12 replies to this topic

[Byllie]

Hello,

I won't give out my name as I'd prefer to remain anonymous. I am a 20 (almost 21 year old) British male living in the UK. I have been unemployed since January after dropping out of university for a second time. I now plan to turn it all around.

I've only been on these forums a few days but already I am hooked. We all tend to ignorantly abuse our physical and mental health and this forum has really opened my eyes up to this.

I have no interest in extending my lifespan to extraordinary levels, I just want to enjoy the life I have been given as best I can. Hopefully, with determination, help from this community and elsewhere I can be the best I can be.

First a little background information. I am a loser. Plain and simple. I can count the friends I have on one hand, and the girls I've slept with too. I have dropped out of college (University) TWICE and suffer from a few disabling mental health conditions. Touch wood at the moment it is 'just' depression, aniexty and OCD related but these three fuckers have really managed to screw up my life thus far. Everyday is a mountain-climb. I also have no sex drive due to my obsessional/intrusive thoughts about sex and have extreme difficulty getting an erection. I have thought about killing myself almost daily at my lowest points and but for an inner strength I perhaps would not be here to write this. I think I may have also suffered from an undiagnosed autistic spectrum disorder throughout my life which would explain a lot of the bullying I've suffered, but this is yet to be confirmed. This is a journey of discovery and I am offering myself as a guinea pig, for better or worse (hopefully better!).

I understand that in this world. Now, more than ever, you are judged at face value. How big your house is, what school you went to, what car you drive, how many women you've fucked or how good looking the one you are currently fucking is. I do not like the status quo of the 21st Century western world, but you can't rewrite the rules, you just have to play along, sink or swim.

I really shouldn't be this much of a failure. I went to a good school and achieved good grades in Mathematics, Physics and Economics. I can be a smart kid but have been held back for far too long.

I am writing this blog, partly to keep myself motivated and keep a log of what I've done/plan to do, but mostly for the  benefit of others who may have grown up being the odd one out, the ones who always found things more difficult than others, so that they too can fulfill their potential.

I plan to post pictures and updates at regular intervals, documenting my progress. Any suggestions regarding diet, exercise or life advice are of course much appreciated.

Now for the technical stuff...

My Problems/Symptoms in Full

• Social Anxiety, I don't have many friends, nor do I have the ability to go a make them
  
• Obsessional/Intrusive thoughts relating to sex/homosexuality/violence etc
  
• Highly strung. I used to be very easy going and confident
  
• Low sex drive. I know I am not gay because I've been attracted to women in the past. However, due to my homosexual intrusive thoughts I feel nothing when I look at a women.
  
• Moderate to Severe Depression
  
• General Anxiety
  
• Black and White thinking
  
• Existential crisis's
  
• Memory issues, foggy memory, can't remember anything from my childhood, can't remember the funny parts of a movie for example
  
• Little interest in the things I used to enjoy
  
• Psychotic/paranoid reaction to Cannabis
  
• Depersonalisation/ detachment from reality
  
• Inability to concentrate on a task
  
• Flash backs
  
• Inability to stick to and finish a task
  
• Feel dumber/less intelligent than I used to be

My Reactions To Drugs
Prozac - Fluoxetine - 20mg once daily Started taking this August 2011
Very bad reaction to this drug, made me think I was schizophrenic at one point.  Made anxiety and intrusive/obsessional thoughts worse. Wanted to end it all on this drug. Took this drug twice and stopped after 4/5 days on both occasions.

Cannabis Took on and off since 2007
I started smoking Cannabis when I was around 16. Mostly to rebel against my parents. I never smoked that much, I only ever bought it once myself. At first it had little or no effect, perhaps just a modest relaxing sensation. However, later on I had a more adverse reaction to it, often called cannabis induced 'Psychosis', I did it a couple more times in between months and every time had this same extreme paranoia/anxiety attacks. Stupid I know but I was a kid. However, obviously now looking back at what may have caused my mental illness, cannabis

Alcohol On and Off since 2007
Alcohol makes me everything that I want to be, funny, happy, sociable. In the wrong circumstances I would be one of those people who drinks all day everyday. It would be great if I could find a slower released drug that gave me similar feelings without any of the side affects.

Remeron - Mirtazapine - 30 mg twice daily Since January
I feel this drug is working slightly for me. I can feel myself being picked up from the ground. I still don't think I am out from the hole I was in, but certainly feel like I am standing up feet. I feel it has reduced anxiety and depression. However, it has made me gain about 2 kg in 4 weeks and makes sleep 18 hours a day. Extreme difficulty getting out of bed.

Zoloft - Sertraline - 50mg once daily - Started taking this in December 2010, got progressively worse afterwards
Only took this drug for a week, gave me extreme shortness of breath, tight chest which made me feel like I was having a heart attack so I stopped taking it.

Supplements I am taking

At the moment I am just taking B-complex, Cod Liver oil, omega 3,6,9 and ACD multivitamins that my parents normally take.

Exercise

I Currently do boxing twice a week and I plan to do various HIIT workouts and endurance cardio like jogging. My current stats are 17.1% Body fat and weighing 83.5kg while being 183 cm tall.

I am currently a bit chubby and will post pictures of my physique in the next few days.




Thanks for reading and I will post pictures of my physique in the next few days

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Edited by Byllie, 03 March 2012 - 08:15 PM.

[hooter]

Cannabis is unlikely to have 'caused' your problem, it only surfaces already pre-existent problems. There's studies showing that THC helps schizophrenic patients stay more lucid, CBD is literally one of the best antipsychotics available today.

Knowing what we know today in terms of pharmacology, it's more likely that the SSRIs did this...

Try this to start out:
BCAA for exercise
High dose piracetam for depression/anxiety/ocd (5 grams 4 times a day)

I don't know if you'll give this a shot, or if you are inclined to trust me. I can tell you that I have actually been in the same position as you, and nothing except piracetam has even come close to helping me. I have legitimately gone through around 40 prescription medications.

I have OCD/anxiety/depression/memory issues/brain fog/ADHD as well. Without piracetam I would probably live in piles of trash not accomplishing anything until I die. Piracetam has saved my life. The intrusive thoughts were my worst problem, always judging me and making me doubt my abilities. Now I just hear a beautiful silence, the symphony of the cosmos.

It takes a while to work (1-4 months), but when it does it does it well.

Edited by hooter, 03 March 2012 - 07:36 PM.

[Byllie]

hooter, on 03 March 2012 - 07:30 PM, said:

Cannabis is unlikely to have 'caused' your problem, it only surfaces already pre-existent problems. There's studies showing that THC helps schizophrenic patients stay more lucid, CBD is literally one of the best antipsychotics available today.

Knowing what we know today in terms of pharmacology, it's more likely that the SSRIs did this...

Try this to start out:
BCAA for exercise
High dose piracetam for depression/anxiety/ocd (5 grams 4 times a day)

I don't know if you'll give this a shot, or if you are inclined to trust me. I can tell you that I have actually been in the same position as you, and nothing except piracetam has even come close to helping me. I have legitimately gone through around 40 prescription medications.

I have OCD/anxiety/depression/memory issues/brain fog/ADHD as well. Without piracetam I would probably live in piles of trash not accomplishing anything until I die. Piracetam has saved my life. The intrusive thoughts were my worst problem, always judging me and making me doubt my abilities. Now I just hear a beautiful silence, the symphony of the cosmos.

It takes a while to work (1-4 months), but when it does it does it well.

Thanks for the response, how do you mean the SSRIs caused it? I was pretty bad before I started taking them.

By BCAA I guess you mean the amino acids.

What the perscrpition meds you went through like? did they help at all?


Have you tried any of the stronger, more potent versions of piracetam? How did they compare to the original if you have?

Regards

[hooter]

Byllie, on 03 March 2012 - 08:13 PM, said:

Thanks for the response, how do you mean the SSRIs caused it? I was pretty bad before I started taking them.

By BCAA I guess you mean the amino acids.

What the perscrpition meds you went through like? did they help at all?


Have you tried any of the stronger, more potent versions of piracetam? How did they compare to the original if you have?

Regards

SSRIs generally don't help. Didn't necessarily have to cause it. They can make things permanently worse for a lot of people. And yes BCAA are branch chain amino acids, this will help you build muscle.

I've tried tons of SSRIs, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, opiates, atypical antidepressants, tricyclics, nootropics, etc. They didn't help, and if they did it usually came with a horrid side effect or addiction.

I've tried other versions of piracetam, but they are 1) too expensive 2) don't seem to have the specific antidepressant effects I'm looking for.

Cheers

[Droplet]

Welcome Bylie!   If you would like to get involved in activism, please PM Brokenoprtal or check the Action! section.

Edited by Droplet, 05 March 2012 - 07:01 AM.

[Now]

Hey Byllie,

Your low libido is probably caused by depressive mood or do you 'feel something' when you see a guy? Maybe you can read the wiki about the Kinsey Scale, sexual orientation is not that black and white.

Quote

11.6% of white males aged 20–35 were given a rating of 3 (equally heterosexual and homosexual) for this period of their lives.

I have Asperger syndrome and your problems are not unknown to me. That doesn't say that much, but maybe it's an indication. I don't have a solution, but running every other day is something that definitely helps.

I will follow you on your journey! Good luck.

[Byllie]

So it's been about a week since my last message in this thread. Just being on this site for a little while has really boosted my mood. Learning about all the different drugs and how they interact with the human body. It is fascinating.

Anyway, I stopped taking mirtazapine even though I think it was giving me *some* benefit. It was just too sedating I think and was making me fat (gained 5kg in no time).

I haven't felt really depressed in the 4 days I've been without mirtazapine.

I've been taking high doses of Omega 369, like 15 softgels a day. I can feel some benefit from this in my mood. Jury is out on this one. Gonna be buying some high EPA omega three, think the ratios are 500mg EPA/250mg DHA.

OCD has been quite bad today, lots of sexual obsessions, morbid thoughts. This might have to do something to do with my stopping of mirtazapine.

Strange thing is, obsessional thoughts have been quite bad but I've almost been able to just bat them away. Perhaps this is due to the more positive mood.

Concentration is still whack and I'm very hyperactive. Exercise seems like a massive chore that I can't even start.

First week in my new job went well, it is quite stressful with a strict line manager, no-one clocks in later than 9am and no one leaves before 5.30pm. I think this is a good thing as I am getting some discipline in my life. As someone who has always thrown tantrums/rebelled this is priceless for the new me. Being in stressful situations should also hopefully let me test some drugs to the limit, and also see how much I can obliterate my OCD.

I also got accepted into one of the top 10 business schools in Europe last friday after applying a few months ago. Really happy about that as it I feel with the right help, business school may be an environment I can thrive in. I also want to prove to myself and others that I can succeed and get a degree.

More updates to come.

[Earth Citizen]

Sounds like great progress man. I just wanna let you know that I had to try 3 antidepressants to find one right for me, so there's nothing wrong with keeping on looking.

[Adamzski]

Also be careful of damaging your liver and body by taking these drugs, you may be a "loser" now but you are probably in good health otherwise

[Byllie]

Right i've been on piracetam for 2 days now and it hasn't been all rosey so far!

Took 4.8g on Friday morning and 4.8g again in the afternoon. Got severely depressed in the afternoon. Not sure if it was depression or a just restless, agitated feeling. Had thoughts of suicide. Morbid/strange thoughts. I am starting to think I may have a more serious MH condition as most people don't seem to have aggressive symptoms like this from piracetam.

I only took 2.4mg today as I was worried about the feelings I had yesterday. However, this still made be super depressed, quiet and more repressed than usual. I got a really bad headache despite taking a lecithin tab with the piracetam. Took 2 more lecithin pills when I got home and the feelings subsided. I did go straight to bed however. It also made my body feel really hot in the evening, almost like I had a fever or something

The feelings I had from piracetam I can liken to the affect cannabis has on me, and prozac also. A sort of mixture of depression/anxiety and agitation. I think I am just really sensitive to certain drugs.

My NOW foods 500mg EPA 250mg DHA omega 3 pills arrived today which I plan to keep taking as I have noticed an improvement in the past.

Hope everyone is well, thanks for following.

[Mind]

Try meditation if you want to do something different than the drug carousel.

[Byllie]

Hope everyone is doing well.

Couple of drug updates to give you.

Been on SAMe for about 8 days now, haven't noticed much effect apart from an increase in body temp/feeling flustered.

Fish oils are still doing me well I think, although I am literally shitting and farting fish oil.

L-tyrosine. Wow what can I say about I feel like a million quid on this drug. My parents suspect i may have ADHD and l-tyrosine boosts dopamine, norepinephrine and adrenaline, the latter known to be lacking in ADHD sufferers.

I am not sure if it is mania yet, it is probably hypomania, although I can deal with that. I feel much more aggressive, much more assertive, more confident, thinking faster, I also feel EVIL which is a bit weird as when I was depressed I just wanted to help everyone but now I feel pure EVIL on this drug and I love it. Being bad is better than feeling nothing at all (adhedonia) if im concerned.

Also been working in my new job for a month now and its going alright

Edited by Byllie, 01 April 2012 - 12:31 AM.

[Adamzski]

Welcome to the club, mania is so cooler than depression