I won't give out my name as I'd prefer to remain anonymous. I am a 20 (almost 21 year old) British male living in the UK. I have been unemployed since January after dropping out of university for a second time. I now plan to turn it all around.
I've only been on these forums a few days but already I am hooked. We all tend to ignorantly abuse our physical and mental health and this forum has really opened my eyes up to this.
I have no interest in extending my lifespan to extraordinary levels, I just want to enjoy the life I have been given as best I can. Hopefully, with determination, help from this community and elsewhere I can be the best I can be.
First a little background information. I am a loser. Plain and simple. I can count the friends I have on one hand, and the girls I've slept with too. I have dropped out of college (University) TWICE and suffer from a few disabling mental health conditions. Touch wood at the moment it is 'just' depression, aniexty and OCD related but these three fuckers have really managed to screw up my life thus far. Everyday is a mountain-climb. I also have no sex drive due to my obsessional/intrusive thoughts about sex and have extreme difficulty getting an erection. I have thought about killing myself almost daily at my lowest points and but for an inner strength I perhaps would not be here to write this. I think I may have also suffered from an undiagnosed autistic spectrum disorder throughout my life which would explain a lot of the bullying I've suffered, but this is yet to be confirmed. This is a journey of discovery and I am offering myself as a guinea pig, for better or worse (hopefully better!).
I understand that in this world. Now, more than ever, you are judged at face value. How big your house is, what school you went to, what car you drive, how many women you've fucked or how good looking the one you are currently fucking is. I do not like the status quo of the 21st Century western world, but you can't rewrite the rules, you just have to play along, sink or swim.
I really shouldn't be this much of a failure. I went to a good school and achieved good grades in Mathematics, Physics and Economics. I can be a smart kid but have been held back for far too long.
I am writing this blog, partly to keep myself motivated and keep a log of what I've done/plan to do, but mostly for the benefit of others who may have grown up being the odd one out, the ones who always found things more difficult than others, so that they too can fulfill their potential.
I plan to post pictures and updates at regular intervals, documenting my progress. Any suggestions regarding diet, exercise or life advice are of course much appreciated.
Now for the technical stuff...
My Problems/Symptoms in Full
- Social Anxiety, I don't have many friends, nor do I have the ability to go a make them
- Obsessional/Intrusive thoughts relating to sex/homosexuality/violence etc
- Highly strung. I used to be very easy going and confident
- Low sex drive. I know I am not gay because I've been attracted to women in the past. However, due to my homosexual intrusive thoughts I feel nothing when I look at a women.
- Moderate to Severe Depression
- General Anxiety
- Black and White thinking
- Existential crisis's
- Memory issues, foggy memory, can't remember anything from my childhood, can't remember the funny parts of a movie for example
- Little interest in the things I used to enjoy
- Psychotic/paranoid reaction to Cannabis
- Depersonalisation/ detachment from reality
- Inability to concentrate on a task
- Flash backs
- Inability to stick to and finish a task
- Feel dumber/less intelligent than I used to be
Prozac - Fluoxetine - 20mg once daily Started taking this August 2011
Very bad reaction to this drug, made me think I was schizophrenic at one point. Made anxiety and intrusive/obsessional thoughts worse. Wanted to end it all on this drug. Took this drug twice and stopped after 4/5 days on both occasions.
Cannabis Took on and off since 2007
I started smoking Cannabis when I was around 16. Mostly to rebel against my parents. I never smoked that much, I only ever bought it once myself. At first it had little or no effect, perhaps just a modest relaxing sensation. However, later on I had a more adverse reaction to it, often called cannabis induced 'Psychosis', I did it a couple more times in between months and every time had this same extreme paranoia/anxiety attacks. Stupid I know but I was a kid. However, obviously now looking back at what may have caused my mental illness, cannabis
Alcohol On and Off since 2007
Alcohol makes me everything that I want to be, funny, happy, sociable. In the wrong circumstances I would be one of those people who drinks all day everyday. It would be great if I could find a slower released drug that gave me similar feelings without any of the side affects.
Remeron - Mirtazapine - 30 mg twice daily Since January
I feel this drug is working slightly for me. I can feel myself being picked up from the ground. I still don't think I am out from the hole I was in, but certainly feel like I am standing up feet. I feel it has reduced anxiety and depression. However, it has made me gain about 2 kg in 4 weeks and makes sleep 18 hours a day. Extreme difficulty getting out of bed.
Zoloft - Sertraline - 50mg once daily - Started taking this in December 2010, got progressively worse afterwards
Only took this drug for a week, gave me extreme shortness of breath, tight chest which made me feel like I was having a heart attack so I stopped taking it.
Supplements I am taking
At the moment I am just taking B-complex, Cod Liver oil, omega 3,6,9 and ACD multivitamins that my parents normally take.
I Currently do boxing twice a week and I plan to do various HIIT workouts and endurance cardio like jogging. My current stats are 17.1% Body fat and weighing 83.5kg while being 183 cm tall.
I am currently a bit chubby and will post pictures of my physique in the next few days.
Thanks for reading and I will post pictures of my physique in the next few days
Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.
Edited by Byllie, 03 March 2012 - 08:15 PM.