25 replies to this topic

[The Immortalist]

First off lets define loneliness as a lack of quality relationships with people rather than quantity. A person with many friends can still feel lonely as they may still feel disconnected from other people due to the lack of quality in their interpersonal relationships.

I have been feeling feeling feelings of extreme loneliness lately. Well actually I've always been lonely my entire life but I've always just ignored it and distracted myself from it by reading books/internet/videogames/ working out etc. But I just can't take it anymore. I can't keep living like this. It must stop.

I just don't know what to do about it. I just can't sustain relationships with people for a long period of time and they always break off after a few weeks or months. I haven't had any close friends for about 2 years now. I just don't know what to do to improve my situation.

Also loneliness is apparently a risk factor for premature death so that motivates me as well to not be lonely.

Edited by The Immortalist, 09 March 2012 - 12:40 AM.

[niner]

Why do your relationships break off?  Are you initiating the breakup, or is the other person?  Or do the relationships just kind of fade away?  How are your relationships with family members?

[lunarsolarpower]

Interesting topic. Curious if you're more interested in the initial level "how do I make new friends?" or more in the "how do I integrate meaningful people into my life who I can count on to be there for me?" side of things? Some background on your basic demographics might be useful for suggesting specific ideas such as making sure you're in a location with the right people. Also be aware that people in different places and times are in different modes. I just met a guy today who was introduced by a mutual acquaintance. I could tell that his mind was occupied and that he basically had little room to add me to his "monkeysphere". There are times and places where people are incredibly open to establishing new relationships. The first day of college strikes me as one of the best examples of this. Nonetheless, even in the midst of this enthusiasm there will be those who feel content with their existing circle of friends or for other reasons prefer to be a bit more standoffish.

Once the initial hurdle of meeting new people and finding common activities to participate with them in is accomplished you would do well to figure out how you interact with people and if it is getting you the results you want. I recommend Dale Carnegie's book (though I've heard mixed reviews about the classes held in his name).

[Luminosity]

Thank you for being honest.  I'm sorry you're going through that.  I have some problems like that.  A good therapist could help you.  Hopefully you could find one that does weekly talk therapy in individual sessions for a prolonged period of time.  Generally Ph.D.s are best.  One out of ten PsyD's is solid (the rest are nuts).  Generally people with less than a doctorate are ambivalent about their work, but if that's all you can get, try it.  Psychology Today's website  has a good listing of therapists by area.  I don't know if they have that for your area (Canada?)  There are a lot of crazy or inadequate therapists out there so shop around if you can.  If you can't, if the person seems crazy or destructive, move on.  I don't mean to scare you.  Most therapists are not that bad and some can really help you.

If it helps, I have these self-expression threads:

http://www.longecity...w/page__fromsea

Edited by Luminosity, 09 March 2012 - 05:57 AM.

[Novotropic]

At the risk of sounding like a new-age hippy (which I am not; actually an aspiring scientist and a thoroughly rational thinker), I would suggest you look at compassion meditation. As I see it, what results in the subjective feeling of loneliness is not so much the number or "quality" of friendships/relations, but much more your mindset towards the interactions that happen to come your way. That includes the interactions you have at the supermarket, with the bus driver, whatever. The idea is to train your mind in order to cultivate feelings of connectedness, gratitute for human interactions, and good wishes to other people. As confirmed by psychological research, it is exactly these feelings of wishing something for another (as opposed to what the other person gives to us or does for us), that make us happy. While I haven't seen this confirmed by research, it is my personal impression that if I practice compassion meditation, people somehow pick up on it, and are much more open to me as well. Or maybe it really is just a subjective thing, but that's fine with me.

[The Immortalist]

lunarsolarpower, on 09 March 2012 - 05:50 AM, said:

Interesting topic. Curious if you're more interested in the initial level "how do I make new friends?" or more in the "how do I integrate meaningful people into my life who I can count on to be there for me?" side of things? Some background on your basic demographics might be useful for suggesting specific ideas such as making sure you're in a location with the right people. Also be aware that people in different places and times are in different modes. I just met a guy today who was introduced by a mutual acquaintance. I could tell that his mind was occupied and that he basically had little room to add me to his "monkeysphere". There are times and places where people are incredibly open to establishing new relationships. The first day of college strikes me as one of the best examples of this. Nonetheless, even in the midst of this enthusiasm there will be those who feel content with their existing circle of friends or for other reasons prefer to be a bit more standoffish.

Once the initial hurdle of meeting new people and finding common activities to participate with them in is accomplished you would do well to figure out how you interact with people and if it is getting you the results you want. I recommend Dale Carnegie's book (though I've heard mixed reviews about the classes held in his name).

Quote

Some background on your basic demographics might be useful for suggesting specific ideas such as making sure you're in a location with the right people.

Well I'm 18, and I'm a male in my last year of highschool. I had to stay another year to upgrade my marks to be able to go to university(getting marks in the 90's btw). I'm going to university in September 2012. Although I'm not going to be living in any dorms since I live close to my iniversity and can just drive there.

PS: Why did you link to a random town in Scotland lol?

[The Immortalist]

Novotropic, on 09 March 2012 - 07:16 PM, said:

At the risk of sounding like a new-age hippy (which I am not; actually an aspiring scientist and a thoroughly rational thinker), I would suggest you look at compassion meditation. As I see it, what results in the subjective feeling of loneliness is not so much the number or "quality" of friendships/relations, but much more your mindset towards the interactions that happen to come your way. That includes the interactions you have at the supermarket, with the bus driver, whatever. The idea is to train your mind in order to cultivate feelings of connectedness, gratitute for human interactions, and good wishes to other people. As confirmed by psychological research, it is exactly these feelings of wishing something for another (as opposed to what the other person gives to us or does for us), that make us happy. While I haven't seen this confirmed by research, it is my personal impression that if I practice compassion meditation, people somehow pick up on it, and are much more open to me as well. Or maybe it really is just a subjective thing, but that's fine with me.

Well after a quick google search compassion is defined as "Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others".  


I can feel sympathy and concern for other people misfortunes so what good would this "compassion meditation" do for an individual like me who is already compassionate?

Edited by The Immortalist, 09 March 2012 - 09:13 PM.

[niner]

The Immortalist, on 09 March 2012 - 08:55 PM, said:

Well I'm 18, and I'm a male in my last year of highschool. I had to stay another year to upgrade my marks to be able to go to university(getting marks in the 90's btw). I'm going to university in September 2012. Although I'm not going to be living in any dorms since I live close to my iniversity and can just drive there.

PS: Why did you link to a random town in Scotland lol?

Not living in the dorms is a huge error.  Dorms are a ton of fun and an instant source of tight friends.  I'd give it a try, at least for a quarter.  You can stand anything for a quarter.  Bring earplugs and/or good noise-cancelling headphones.   (condoms and drugs may come in handy)

LOL on the random town in Scotland.  That was supposed to link to Dunbar's number, the redirect from Monkeysphere.

[The Immortalist]

niner, on 09 March 2012 - 01:41 AM, said:

Why do your relationships break off?  Are you initiating the breakup, or is the other person?  Or do the relationships just kind of fade away?  How are your relationships with family members?

I guess they sort of fade away. My relationship with my family members are ok. We don't argue with each other if that's what you mean.

[The Immortalist]

niner, on 09 March 2012 - 09:18 PM, said:

The Immortalist, on 09 March 2012 - 08:55 PM, said:

Well I'm 18, and I'm a male in my last year of highschool. I had to stay another year to upgrade my marks to be able to go to university(getting marks in the 90's btw). I'm going to university in September 2012. Although I'm not going to be living in any dorms since I live close to my iniversity and can just drive there.

PS: Why did you link to a random town in Scotland lol?

Not living in the dorms is a huge error.  Dorms are a ton of fun and an instant source of tight friends.  I'd give it a try, at least for a quarter.  You can stand anything for a quarter.  Bring earplugs and/or good noise-cancelling headphones.   (condoms and drugs may come in handy)

LOL on the random town in Scotland.  That was supposed to link to Dunbar's number, the redirect from Monkeysphere.

Condoms sound good but I don't drink anything except water and tea or do any drugs except caffeine(in tea of course).

[Droplet]

I feel your pain and relate. Have been isolated much of my life. I just distract myself constantly. Some days it gets me really down. I have friends but they just don't live close by so I try to visit as much as I can.

[idquest]

I hear you. It's been always like this for me, and I'm over 50 now. What has helped me is creating a dificit of time in my life and finding a goal to strive for. You can create a deficit of time if you study/work hard and have some hobbies in addition to that. Several years ago I started to meditate in daoist tradition. Finding the core and being centered (as a result of meditations) does help. The last but not least - don't allow yourself to develope self-pity quality because this will easily lead to depression.

[Elus]

I think we also need a definition of quality relationship in this discussion. What constitutes a 'high quality' relationship depends on an individual's personal needs and expectations in that relationship.

Edited by Elus, 10 March 2012 - 06:54 AM.

[The Immortalist]

Elus, on 10 March 2012 - 06:53 AM, said:

I think we also need a definition of quality relationship in this discussion. What constitutes a 'high quality' relationship depends on an individual's personal needs and expectations in that relationship.

Yeah your right, my bad.

I suppose a "high quality" interpersonal relationship with people would be people that like to hang out with you, you like to hang out with them, they invite you to event's and shit, you invite them to event's and shit, sharing common interests, they support you, you support them, et cetera.

[Elus]

The Immortalist, on 10 March 2012 - 07:02 PM, said:

I suppose a "high quality" interpersonal relationship with people would be people that like to hang out with you, you like to hang out with them, they invite you to event's and shit, you invite them to event's and shit, sharing common interests, they support you, you support them, et cetera.

(I say the following based on abstract reasoning and logic. I don't really have 'quality relationships' at university, and I only keep up with my old friends from before. I.e. I'm an introvert.)

One way you can meet people who have common interests is to go to events that interest you. For example, you could meet people at a concert if you're interested in music. Or, you could go to a sports game if that interests you. There will be people at those places who you could meet up with that will share common interests.

The more of these events you attend, the higher the chance you have of meeting someone who will become a friend. Good social and interpersonal skills might help here (Knowing how to hold a conversation, for example).

Furthermore, making at least one friend will then allow you to have access to his or her circle of friends. That will make it easier to become acquainted with more people.

Again, all the above is my reasoning based on observation and reading. I don't actually have much experience with these things.

Edited by Elus, 10 March 2012 - 11:28 PM.

[yoyo]

I was going to say, "if you want a friend, get a dog"

but if you are young enough to live in a college dorm, that is what is good.

[lunarsolarpower]

If you're a bit lonely there's no way I would avoid staying in dorms. Also don't think you have to go to a certain college just because it's the closest. Obviously it's important to avoid overpaying for your education but for many people this is the greatest opportunity you will have to start fresh. My cousin goes to college in Hawaii just for example. If you want to be around really solid, friendly people you can't beat the midwestern US. The University of Minnesota struck me as being a great place for this the weekend I was there. I went to a tiny college of 800 students in Nebraska and had a fantastic time (without drugs, alcohol, condoms or even caffeine). I made more friends there by far than I had in all my previous education. The best part about a really small school is that you can know half the people there before you finish.

[Orajel]

This seems like a classic male problem. I experience the same thing, fortunately I do have some close friends, but I've always had trouble meeting people. Books have helped me, namely the following:

I dont want to talk about it (terrence real)

How to win friends and influence people (dale carnegie)

the art of loving (erich fromm)

In the end, the best way to have (or get) a friend is to be a friend. People like people who like them. If you don't beleive me, think of the last time a goofy guy who you would not normally associate with showed interest in knowing you. How did you respond? I personally have a good friend who is socially challanged to say the least, but he's a good guy and is genuinely interested in other people. So he's someone I consider a friend, and I love the kid!

[The Immortalist]

I think my biggest problem is that I don't know how to interact in a group setting. I find it so easy to talk with people in a 1 on 1 setting but it's so hard for some reason to be in a group setting.

[Orajel]

The Immortalist, on 18 March 2012 - 10:20 PM, said:

I think my biggest problem is that I don't know how to interact in a group setting. I find it so easy to talk with people in a 1 on 1 setting but it's so hard for some reason to be in a group setting.

We must act our way into right thinking, instead of trying to think our way into right acting

How do we learn how to do something? By doing. As my favorite poet Rumi puts it,

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”

That doens't mean don't be scared. Be scared, but do it. You will never reach the point of comfort if you are waiting for comfort to come before you start acting.

[niner]

The Immortalist, on 18 March 2012 - 10:20 PM, said:

I think my biggest problem is that I don't know how to interact in a group setting. I find it so easy to talk with people in a 1 on 1 setting but it's so hard for some reason to be in a group setting.

I think that's pretty common.  I'm a lot more communicative one on one than in a group.  I just try to arrange my social life around smaller groups when I can.  In a bigger group, if I get into a conversation with one person, then it's like being one on one, the way you might talk to someone at a party.  Some groups are just toxic and have bad dynamics, or dynamics that just aren't right for you.  You might find that you're fine in a different group of people.

[kevinseven11]

I have this exact problem. Ive curved it by finding one special someone and slowly converting them into the same likes as me. As they spend so much time with you they begin to be more like you. Besides that, Ive always used the internet as my friend...

[hippocampus]

internet may be good if you than actually meet people in RL, but you may also find very strange people, so be careful. but using internet as a friend is not good - I don't think I need to explain why. Converting people in same likes as you is a very long and difficult process and not very efficient one. It's better (and more ethical) to find people who have similar interest as you. It's stupid to expect that your friends will have exactly the same interests as you and even if they do that's not the most important thing to become friends with someone.

[fracking]

Consider university as a means of getting out of your shell. Feeling like you're an island can add to your loneliness. Become part of something greater than yourself. 

Join a team sport or a club; if you're really adventurous try starting a new club.  A social club for those who dont drink and do drugs might be something to consider. Make a point of reaching out to new people in class, on campus, in your new interests and hobbies. Get involved in the organized social activities that interest you and are not centered around alcohol and drugs.

If you have trouble with groups volunteer to work with kids; groups of kids can be less intimating than adults. (Some of these you can get started in before you start going to U.)

Don't forget classes that can help your social skills like acting. If your passionate about something then pursue a class in that topic where you can discuss the subject in a group setting to develop confidence.
Pets are great not just because of the unconditional love but you are responsible for another living thing. Expand your universe so your world (environment) doesn't feel so isolated and lonely.

Try to connect with people on a deeper level. Talk to relatives about family history; maybe you can make a class project out of it (film or geneology class). Or see if you can get involved in something with the U psych dept as a volunteer. Volunteer for some student hotline or support group as a way to achieve a deeper connection with people. Or work with disadvantaged kids.

Join a house of worship because it provides two things: an opportunity to do service and a sense of community.

Expand your world with new groups and individuals and you won't feel as isolated and lonely.

[brainjuice]

Try meetup.com (if you are in the US, as other countries are not all that covered)
you can there find groups with similar interests that meet near your area. I tried it for soccer, and although I wasn't looking to improve my social life, I ended up finding lots of soccer games and interacted with a lot of real people (as opposed to virtual)

also, say "hi" to random people on the streets, stores, queues, bus, etc. You will be surprised on how many emotional responses you will see in yourself (shame, excitement, joy, scare, etc) by just doing that. Not to mention that people's reaction to that are sometimes better than you would think...

When you say "hi", it's important to look straight in the eyes and smile. The smile will be faked at first, but it doesn't matter. Soon enough it might turn into a real smile and you'll feel good about it.  This works wonders, don't dismiss it without trying.

Obviously from there to relationships there's some distance, but you gotta start cleaning out your "rust" and soon enough you'll build up something interesting (the skills, then relationships)

[Droplet]

Orajel, on 15 March 2012 - 04:45 PM, said:

This seems like a classic male problem. I experience the same thing.

I'm living proof that women suffer this too. You don't hear of us very often but we are out there trying to muddle through the minefield of social interaction. I find it annoying that as a woman, it is almost always expected that you are naturally good at these things. When you're not people sometimes assume you're deliberately trying to be awkward whereas I find my male friends can get away a bit easier because it seems that society is more tolerant of social slip ups from men.

Edited by Droplet, 07 May 2012 - 09:05 AM.