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Euthanizing my pet rat

sob story meltdown alcohol brain cognition grad school

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#1 StevesPetRat

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Posted 29 June 2014 - 02:56 AM


Part I: the rise of the rat
So, it's taken a couple days to get this far and my phone tends to crash so let's just post part I. All the *real* "fun" will be in part II, so if you wanna read about a train wreck and have limited time, wait for that. Sorry for the length, I guess I had a lot to say.


Was going to write this in more detail, but I managed to spill water on my laptop so it's bullet points from here. After writing it I guess there's a lot of detail anyway. Way too much. And my writing sucks now. So it goes. In case you are worried about liability this is a hypothetical scenario about my pet rat which for convenience's sake I have written in first person. It's a cautionary tale, just goes to show how fast things can go downhill.

-Born with close to (but not quite) the "Limitless" brain many here seek out. Reading at 3, programming at 6, algebra and first university course at 9, calculus at 12, started college full time with 5 semesters' worth of AP and transfer credits at 16. Also excellent verbal skills, language acquisition, creative, sense of humor, good social skills though not necessarily much in common with same age peers.
-Competitive swimmer, 6kCal/day metabolism at this point. Not eidetic memory, but fairly effortless recall and rapid synthesis of conversations and data weeks later
-Became very social and also a weekend binge drinker in college / had high tolerance due to metabolism. No effect on mental abilities except some decline in grades due to missed quizzes in early morning classes. Can recall minor details of conversations had after 12 beers 3 weeks later. Fun hobby: going up to people who barely recognize me, calling them by name, asking about specific courses, their families, etc until they finally vaguely recall that we met at a part a month ago.
-Adrenaline junky, excellent performer under pressure, utterly unafraid of anything except maybe the opposite sex a little bit (more clueless)
-Not a bad looking guy either
-The best way to describe this time of my life is "radiant". Golden haired golden boy. Every cell is firing at maximum efficiency.
Jealous yet?
-EBV at age 19
-Physical symptoms abate after 2 weeks
-Push through to take final exams
-Return to school next semester, everything is different
-Sleep from 4 am to 4 pm (was always a night owl but got by with 4 - 6 hrs + occasional nap in afternoon / 9 hrs on weekend) for next 9 or so months
-EBV titers are still elevated 6 months later despite lack of overt physical symptoms (except fatigue), medical withdrawal granted
-Attention and motivation decline, particularly severe for long term projects
-"Reward" sensation for achievements reduced (p.s. don't tell anybody you like they're smart except maybe if you're trying to get in their pants. I already had a hard time taking satisfaction from accomplishments because of felt like it should have been automatic while failures were a big blow http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ )
-Energy levels decline dramatically, eventually return to probably above average levels but nowhere near previous
-Difficult to sustain effort over month+ extended periods. Exercise helps but is also hard to sustain consistently. Manage to get "enough" most of the time.
-Cognition is noticeably diminished, but mostly only to myself. Highest functions slightly reduced. Become "addicted" to MMORPG (EQ, anybody old enough to have played that?)
Worst part? I just accept that "that's how things will be now"
-Grades are now A's, B's, and F's
-Diagnosed with ADD, *horrible* response to Adderall (awake for 3 days straight grinding teeth and unable to stop working on a single math research problem, don't eat, don't get up except to pee, work totally lacks creative insight and is all brute force attack). Rely instead on remaining innate ability to function normally. Do much better in "boring" classes when they are taken over short periods e.g. summer school.
-Flounder through, graduate (in 5.5 years despite having a solid 2 year head start), get a perfect score on physics GRE but stay at same state university for grad school
-Socially enjoy my 8.5 years of grad school (I can follow and participate in 3 separate conversations simultaneously even after many beers still so my cognition is still pretty good; still have intermittent moments of rapid insight but begin to rely more on slogging through) but years of poverty, stress, malnutrition, and heavy drinking 2 - 3 nights a week "probably take 10 years off my life" I half-joke
-Become well liked TA, enjoy teaching and lecturing, students like me, some a lot more than others, wink, wink
-Date a fellow grad, become fat (6'0", go from 180 to 205 lbs) and unmotivated and apathetic (common problem for me now, frequent periods of apathy and only motivated to work under high pressure from deadline), she dumps me, I become truly depressed (hard to get over somebody who shares your cubicle, all classes, and social circle eh?)
-Become indifferent to whether I live or die while taking Effexor (SNRI - my brother was suicidal on it, interestingly). Find Lexapro more agreeable though it makes my lifelong insomnia worse, Ambien prescribed but I use that as a party drug because I just get high from it not sleepy. Probably most of recovery from depression has to do with aggressively growing my social circle and working out as well as finding a really good talk therapist. So I know how to beat depression. Lexapro is never effective for me again. Drop back to around 180 lbs.
-Several months later meet a new girl, model/actress/physics major. Man life was pretty good to me.
-Grad school going no where, flail around for years, switch advisors a few times, girl and I have ups and downs mostly due to my apathetic "depression" which is more like a state of low energy. Blimp up to 225, mostly stick around 200 - 210, still have very good low intensity aerobic endurance for swimming. Exercise helps, staying busy helps, Lex does not. We stay together though because we're crazy about each other. Long term planning is a problem for me. I probably would quit school but 1) according to others I'm "the smart one" and "if I can't make it how can anybody else?" 2) I have no idea what else to do with life 3) I have extremely high psychological tolerance for stress and misery. Unfortunately. Most people seek to rectify bad situations but I wait until they are true crises to act. This becomes more of a problem later.
-Socializing and small creative projects (funny emails every week for happy hour) far more rewarding than research, though I do love the subject matter I just don't find the small psychological reward enough to keep me going for months on a single project somebody else thought up
-She finishes degree and moves to LA to pursue career. I am motivated to find a new advisor. I manage to finish enough research in 1 year to graduate. I develop a routine that lets me write 120 page dissertation in 6 weeks. I immediately abandon it afterwards.
-Despite really being miserable during the last bit of grad school, doing a long distance relationship, my advisor promises to set me up with a postdoc in LA. Hurray!
-I am proud of myself after 8.5 years of grad school, 3 advisors, and a PhD in physics for roughly 2 weeks. Then it's "just a piece of paper." Sigh. Wish I could take satisfaction from things... or have allowed myself to pursue those things I found more satisfying
-Promised job does not materialize. Instead of planning for an alternative, I become bitter and accept advisor's offer of postdoc in AZ with occasional "work trips" to LA. Despite the stress of long distance relationship I accept.
-Living alone for first time, in a place with no TV or Internet, because "I'm going to be leaving any day". Split life between 2 cities. Social isolation begins to take toll. Loneliness is an important risk factor for early death: http://healthland.ti...-shorten-lives/ and it causes numerous health problems http://m.psychologyt...gers-loneliness
-Begin drinking alone, a few beers a few nights a week.
-Finally after another year relationship reaches ultimatum point. Approach advisor, say I have to leave, he offers a split postdoc gig the majority of which will be spent in LA! Despite the stress a split existence has caused, I accept.
-Move to LA. Things are better for a while. But health is ... off. Untreated sleep apnea, added environmental stuff (mildewey apartment) leads to mind lung, sinus inflammation. Begin to feel mildly "sick".
-Due to spilt existence, and lameness of coworkers, I do not develop a social network in LA. Just a few strands. Girlfriend (who wants a ring which I am having a hard time saving up for) works weird hours so I am sometimes in bed when she leaves for work and/or returns home. An entire week may pass where I see her for a few hours and no one else except clerks / waitstaff. I do nothing to correct this because... um... High misery tolerance I guess.

The beginning of the end
-develop excess air swallowing while eating such that I often have hiccups or vomiting. Symptom of anxiety. I look up causes but do nothing to correct it.
-develop eyelid twitch that becomes progressively worse for a year until finally I start taking magnesium. Symptom of excess stress. I ignore yet another sign that my body is giving me.
-develop assorted chest pains. Possibly pulmonary hypertension due to apnea. Possibly anxiety. Possibly costochondritis. Possibly all / some of the above. Improves with exercise.
-start sleeping on side for apnea. Awkward. Pinch back in same spot over and over again. Develop new chest pain that feels like scratchy branch running from spine through chest to spot across from pinch. Nerve damage?
-Eventually start drinking 4-6 beers (7-9% ABV so more like 7-10 bud lights) 6 nights a week. Not because I have to... just bored, can't be bothered to go to meetup.com to find other things to do when gf unavailable.
-decide to take oral Lamisil for toenail fungus. Do not read the side effects (or I never would have taken the damn stuff). Do not quit drinking. Doctor does nor order liver tests nor warn about interactions. "Perfectly safe!" P.s. doc is my pops.

Stay tuned for part II of the tale of the rat!
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#2 YOLF

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Posted 29 June 2014 - 03:16 AM

Wow! Looks tough! Are you considering voluntary death? Is that what you mean by euthanizing the pet rat? 

 

Have you signed up for cryonics? 


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#3 YOLF

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Posted 29 June 2014 - 03:22 AM

Have you thought about leading a local LongeCity Chapter? It might be what you need to start making friends. We have tons of members and registered users in the LA area. There are lots of groups/hangouts I hook you up with. For instance every Sunday starting around 11:30 your time there is a Google hangout. Send an email to kekik2336 at gmail dot com to have the link sent to you. How far are San Diego and Santa Clara for you?



#4 Plasticperson

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Posted 29 June 2014 - 05:17 AM

so the pet rat's downfall was spontaneous? Or more or less random? Also, Epstein Barr Virus might indicate a larger problem that precipitates an immune system deficit...just saying. Lyme Disease is an example of something that can reactivate EBV. Lyme also causes really bad neurological problems. 



#5 StevesPetRat

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Posted 29 June 2014 - 06:49 AM

Haha no that's the easy part. Part I, for the sake of narrative license, ends roughly 16 months ago. Give me a few hours to work on part II.

CC if I had gotten active in this site back then my rat would be in far better shape today. I'm not in the LA area any more.
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#6 Major Legend

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Posted 29 June 2014 - 04:00 PM

Just my two cents, take it or leave it:

 

Too much self obsession, self focus, first world problems, high expectations of self, watch this:

 

http://www.huffingto..._b_3930620.html

 

The world will probably average in 1.5% growth for the foreseeable future in the developed world. You have achieved much, be proud and grateful for it. You will find much practical (science and supplementations) advice on these forums, but not much psychological ones.

 

suggestions:

 

1) slow down and stop rushing for success, seriously stop living in a state of panic, nobody is judging you, life goes up and down and is very unpredictable. We don't live in the 80s or 90s of economic excess. I don't mean to stop being competitive or chase after the things you want, but what I mean is most people live in perpetual panic, or they live in perpetual relaxation (laziness), the answer to this I think is that there is a middle ground.

 

appreciate the little things, seriously we live in an abundance. Everything you need is right here, everyone you want to meet is waiting for you to meet, every idea you can create with ease, all the money you want is in the world already. Learn to appreciate the silence and slowing down and just not letting the panic of the world get to you. Learn to shift your focus from the past (your memories), and the future (your worries) to simply the now.

 

2) start learning to give, care for others and find satisfaction in contributing, or more importantly find other people who care about others, other than themselves (this is critical in todays self obsessed culture), they are harder to come by, but these people are the people who will make your life more meaningful. Selfish people are toxic, you can manipulate them if you give them the image of high social value, but ultimately these people are just out to hang out with you, if there are something to get from you. Learning to distinguish the caring people from the selfish people is one of the biggest life skills I think one can have.

 

In todays world it happens often that people live their entire youths without ever encountering a good soul, so they have no concept of a caring person.

 

 

This is actually scientific advice. Here's why:

 

The first point is simple, its just common sense, we are mostly over stimulated by the internet, by whats around us. The flight or fight response excludes much of our cortical function, and in its negative form is one of the worst states you can have. Most of us have ended up training ourselves using adrenaline and stress as stimulation, without developing the natural dopamine pathway of reward system, by slowing down we learn to reward ourselves with things that our ancestors would have deemed rewarding. Avoiding the rush also restores much of our executive function. The Second point:

 

Our minds are built to socialise and to work to serve social systems, the problem with the modern idea of self esteem training is that it is against our genes (unless you have absolute psychopathy or other confounding brain disorders). Humans evolves in small tribes and in religion, our brains are not primed for complete autonomy the idea of a self serving individual only works when it exists in the context of a larger system. Our brains are designed TO CHEAT within systems, but it is designed to be in a system.

 

Depression and loneliness happens when we find ourselves isolated and outside of those systems, however what we FAIL TO ACCOUNT FOR is that being around selfish, self serving people also create THAT EXACT SAME EFFECT.

 

Our brains are religious in nature not because god exists, but because we evolved in a system where we had to work on things much larger than ourselves (the social hive mind), as much of our brain has evolved from social intelligence, as is much of our conciousness is tied to this social intelligence. So giving and contributing to others keeps our cortical functions well oiled and smooth, as well as RECEIVING and COLLECTING emotions and gifts from others.

 

 

 

 

 


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#7 Raphy

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Posted 04 August 2014 - 11:02 AM

Hello there, Is it me or you never posted part II?

#8 Babychris

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Posted 04 August 2014 - 11:30 AM

Cut his head with a knife, rapid 


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#9 foreseason

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Posted 07 August 2014 - 04:21 PM

Well that was interesting...

 

Hard to really comment without Part II, but I will say this.  You've had a lot more success in life than I have.  I spent about 7 years as a drug addict and 4 of those as a complete junkie (heroin/crack/cocaine).  I survived that and have been sober over 6 years now.  No one ever said life would be easy. 

 

Granted, part II might be disastrous.  But, considering you are coherent and energized enough to type all that, I have trouble believing things are as bad as you think they are. 


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#10 sthira

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Posted 07 August 2014 - 05:42 PM

Just my two cents, take it or leave it:
 


Thank you for the great contribution in this writing, Major Legend. There's quite a bit there in your post to digest.





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