Hi everyone, I posted a varation of this on the introduce yourself board, but received the suggestion that I should post it here, so here I go. Apologies for the length of backstory.
5 months ago, I quit smoking Cigarettes (20 year smoker) and Vyvanse (3 year user). I was prescribed Vyvanse for ADHD and have used it everyday, stable at prescribed dosages. I quit because I lost insurance and my new one would no longer cover it and I got sick of the grind of having to obtain it.
About 10 years ago, I got over a cocaine addiction with Phentermine. I felt totally normal and great on Phentermine for a long time, exercising religiously and feeling generally productive and focused and happy with daily use at suggested dosage (37.5). But since I was using it to manage ADHD symptoms, I went to a doctor, got a diagnosis and he immediately put me on Adderall and then Vyvanse instead. Making the switch was easy. I did not taper and remember only feeling slightly tired (but generally happy) for a few days.
There were times I ran out of Vyvanse, before I got a chance to see my Psych that I sometimes would pop a Phentermine I had lying around and found that it helped withdrawal a bit, but effects wore off quickly. Anecdotally, I think the Vyvanse was stronger and Phen no longer had the same effects after being on lisdexamphetamine.
Since my abstinence from all stimulants, including cigarettes, my life has fallen apart. I'm failing all my classes in college due to anhedonia and exhaustion, my house is falling apart and I'm seriously unable to manage the responsibilities of my day to day life. I'm a 37 year old mom to a 5 year old girl and a returning adult student with household, school, work and other responsibilities so I don't know what to do.
I no longer have insurance and I'm not sure if I want to go back on the Psychiatrist/Amphetamine path again, ADHD or not. I question long-term safety as towards the end I started experiencing some parasthesia on the Vyvanse and my sleeping habits weren't very consistent or healthy. I was doing well in school though.
I've been playing around with better diet, some racetams, slowing down life, etc, and while I may be physically healthier, I generally just feel really shitty all the time and when the constructs that you've spent the past few years building up around you all start crumbling down and the goals you set for yourself (fitness, education, career, managing life) all start crumbling, I'm starting to wonder if I made the wrong choice.
I've waited my entire life for the opportunity to finish undergrad work and potentially more. Financial and other issues always got in the way. Now that I finally have that opportunity, I'm screwing it all up and I can't say that I even care. I existentially question if I really ever wanted those things anyway, and what my idea of "self" is and maybe my goals of higher education and furthering myself just aren't in my reach. I tell myself I can be happy with less and I don't have to aim so high and rejoice in what I have and perhaps go back to what I was. That I should let it all fall down and start fresh. Learn how to live like and adult and manage without them. But on the other hand, I can't leave the house on most days or even get my shit together to get me or my daughter out of the house. Everything is a wreck, with the days I feel ok being few and far between.
I guess for the first time, I'm looking for long-term healthy solutions to manage life either with stims or support for living without them and going to nootropics instead.
5 months of sobriety under my belt. Maybe I shouldn't have so rashly quit, especially at a point where I need to be increasing focus in school, but what's done is done. I wont pick up cigs again. But is phentermine a healthier option than Vyvanse? At least on phen, I had the motivation to exercise, which helped manage any adhd related symptoms and/or depression and anxiety. Isn't getting off phen easier? Maybe I should try to obtain Vyvanse again, but I don't think I can afford it? Aren't amphetamine derivatives not healthy and unsustainable and ultimately deleterious over the long term? I should also mention that after 5 months, my brain is functioning a bit better when it is functioning, but it's inconsistent. I'm still always exhausted and another curious symptom is that my body temperature has dropped. I went from being someone who "ran hot" all the time even throughout childhood before stims to now feeling always cold even in comfortable temparatures. Could this be adrenal/cortisol related? Thyroid issues?
If anyone has any insight, advice or suggestions, I would be very grateful. Thank you.
