Hi there! Thanks for opening this post. I need your help– any suggestion, comment or personal experience is greatly appreciated. Notice that this is my first time telling anybody about this.
I am 18 years old and this is my story with intrusive thoughts or, more medically, purely obsessional compulsive disorder (aka Pure O). To be honest, it's just one intrusive thoughts– sexual thoughts with my mother. I recognise and strongly believe it has nothing to do with my personal history (I wasn't molested or anything) nor my sexual preferences (I'm straight and I am not into incest). I have been dealing with this issue for 6-7 months. I was taking Accutane– aka Isotretinoin– for my acne (I read it affects serotonin levels quite strongly because of cell regeneration). It all began one morning, when the thought just wouldn't go away– I realised something wasn't right. At first, however, I thought it was a side-effect of the drug I was taking, but when I stopped (last November), it would still not go away.
I want to point out I had stopped smoking marijuana for 7-8 days when this started. So I searched online, and I found I wasn't the only one. So I tried to stop for 50 days (I literally cold turkey'd) and noticed not much of a change. When I'm high (with really good weed, Amsterdam level), I tend to get distracted very easily, and I get the thought once every 1-2 hours.
I tried other drugs, too. I tried: ecstasy 3 times in 2 years (twice in the same week, 2 months before my thoughts starting); LSD once (I didn't like it that much); very, very small doses of shrooms twice; truffles once (10g, in Amsterdam, with Pure O– it was OK). That's it. I am not much of a drinker, but I do smoke weed quite frequently. It does not affect my life that much, though. I still get my stuff done and I have very high grades (even this year, with Pure O).
I noticed that throughout the day I tend to shift between two phases: (1) where I become very happy and cheerful about every aspect of life, even with my intrusive thoughts; and (2) where I start stressing a bit (never to the point of crying or breaking down, but it still kinda hurts) and about how much I am doing to keep it "under control." I have 4-8 cycles a day. I can really notice the change.
I have never told anybody about this– until now. I keep a normal attitude everyday– I don't repress it, I'm learning to accept it. Even in the worst moments, I have never thought of suicide or committing suicide. I don't have problems sleeping. I still go to high-school (last year) and I keep a positive attitude about things– I am about to go to university in the UK to study medicine and I am very happy about it. I do sports 3 times a week and I still hang out with my friends weekly.
I have tried many supplements, including:
- 5-HTP (100-200 mg/day): didn't do much, kinda helped me to sleep.
- Niacin or vitamin B-6 (up to 2-3g/day): helped me to slightly overcome anxiety, but the flushing was intense and I read too much can be bad.
- Vitamin B-3 (300 mg/day): didn't notice much of an effect, but I tend to get more lucid dreams.
- GABA (1250 mg/day): it relaxes me, but doesn't really help that much.
- Myo-inositol (up to 10 g/day): I noticed some changes, but it wasn't long-lasting.
- L-Theanine (up to 500 mg/day): helps me on the spot, and it kind of gets rid of stress and anxiety.
- Magnesium (500 mg/day): has no psychological effect whatsoever, but it's good for the nervous system.
- White Chestnut, a herbal remedy (up to 15 drops/day): I didn't really notice much of a change.
Quick brain and family health history:
- My mother has early-stage MS, and has had panic attacks (she takes Paroxetine)– it's due to bad genetics :(
- My father has hypertension;
- My older brother has had problems with anxiety, but he's fine now;
- I learnt to read, write and count when I was 3. I have always had very high grades (I speak 3 languages, one of which is self-taught English) and I was always kind of hyperactive as a kid (I still am at times, lol).
- I have had a panic / delusional episode that lasted for 30 seconds while I was really, really high on some shitty hashish– that was 3 years ago;
- I once had protected sex with a prostitute two years ago (I was very drunk, please don't judge me, lol) and I was obsessively fearful that somehow I had been infected with HIV– I had a few shitty months, but once I tested negative (3 months for window period) the obsession/fear eventually faded away.
- I am not generally an anxious person, but I do tend to over-react at times and I am quite irascible.
I tried to tell my doctor, but all she did is prescribe some Delorazepam (a quite mild benzodiazepine). At first, in fact, I thought it would help, because I thought it was an anxiety problem. I took very few drops (1-4 mg) sporadically this summer, but the effect wouldn't last or it wasn't enough, so I decided never to use it again. Since then, I didn't decide to contact my doctor– I may do that sooner or later, but I am kind of afraid that she will misdiagnose me once again or send me to a therapist– I really don't want to take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. I prefer to cope with the problem, rather than just cover it up. It's hard to resist to the temptation, but I have seen my mother go through some hard times trying to get off the Paroxetine– she cannot yet stop.
Recently, however, I have ordered Modafinil on the deep web, because I have read somewhere in this forum that a mild stimulant and a very small LSD/Psilocybin dose can help fix Pure O. Might be bullshit, but I kinda want to try Modafinil– I think Pure O is a matter of distraction, because that's when the intrusive thought... intrudes: when you're distracted. I don't know if it's something to do with serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, respective receptors, neural misfiring... I have read so much about OCD, and everyone seems to have a different opinion.
If you actually read all this, I literally love you. You are the first person in my life to every hear this story, so you're quite important for me now! If you also have any problem, I would love to reciprocally help you, as well.
Again, any kind of feedback is appreciated.
Edited by Mydriasis, 08 January 2015 - 09:40 PM.