So, i don't know if what i'm about to do is the right thing to do. I also don't know if this is the right place to post this, so I apologize in advance.
I'm 22, healthy, intelligent(i'd like to think), i have a great mother and younger brother, and I have a relatively stable living situation. I'm also depressed, incredibly indecisive to the point where i think i'm bipolar, pessimistic, optimistic, cynical, have low self-esteem, low self-worth, and immense dreams i don't think i'll ever be able to make reality.
My early life wasn't exactly stable, i had an abusive step-father (for which i honestly don't blame any issues on, i never dwelled on it), moved constantly, was homeless multiple times with my mother and step-father, but i was still a generally good kid who got very good grades and made friends easily. A few years ago my mother and I settled in the lower-middle class suburbs, and i've been here for quite a while, settling in this little town. I dropped out of school at 15 because i hated it, got my G.E.D., then went to a community college and got an associates in computer science. Honestly a huge waste of time in my opinion.
The last 4 years have basically been me trying to figure out what the hell i want to do with my life. I have a lot of dreams. Immortality, space exploration, becoming a tech-billionaire, owning a successful game company, learning everything there is to know about the universe and discovering every little bit of knowledge. But i've never been able to figure out how to start those dreams. I come up with MULTIPLE ideas, but never follow through with them because I don't trust them enough to actually work. I'll get started on them, but then over analyze to the point where i assume they, and I, will fail.
I'm a dreamer. But that's all I am. There is no place in this world for me, that i'd actually want to be. I want to be in the shoes of giants like Elon Musk, or Bill Gates, or Marek Rosa. But I don't have the drive, or dedication, or belief that i'll be able to succeed like them. It's put me in a hopeless spiral I can't seem to get out of.
So I've finally sat down and decided I should join the military, hoping, praying to a god I don't believe in that it will somehow change me. That I'll come out after 4 years as an active duty U.S. Army Ranger and i'll be a strong, confident man who actually DOES something with all of the dreams in his head. But there is also a side of me that says "what if i'm not". What if i waste 8 years of my life (4 active, 4 inactive), and i'm still the same person.
I can't do a job. I have work ethic, but i hate working for someone. I would honestly rather die. And I have such a f***ed up view on time and accomplishment, that even if I get out, and go towards something like a degree in physics and astronomy, i'll think i'm too old, and those silly degrees won't get me where i want.
I'm about to put myself in a position that goes against everything I stand for. Blindly listening to authority, doing the same pointless tasks every day, wasting time.
I don't know anymore. This is the one thing I feel like I CAN do. I'm physically able, I've studied all of the asvab books, and I can pretend to be anything I need to pretend to be to get through the military. But I don't know if this will get me where i want to be, It will get me out of my comfort zone, it will force me to do things i wouldnt normally do, it'll help me gain some sort of self worth. But honestly, will that be enough?
I honestly don't even know why i'm posting here. I can already predict most of the answers I'll get. I guess i'm just hoping for one answer that takes a view I haven't taken yet.