This may be a wall of text, but I’m in a complicated predicament and I don’t know whom else to ask for help. Hope this is the proper board for it.
I’m a mathematics student attending a New York liberal arts college. In my first semester, it became clear to me that my ADHD was a real hinderance; I was a history major at the time, and I could barely focus on the lectures or books. Talked to the psychiatrist and tried a few drugs- Prozac and Wellbutrin weren’t for me. Next on the list was Adderall. On my first day with the stuff, I picked up my calculus textbook, and almost immediately understood what an integral really is; my calc grade shot up from a C+ to an A, and I soon wanted to take as many math classes as possible.
Though it made me a drastically better student, Adderall also left me a twitchy tweaky mess. I eventually convinced the psych to let me try Dexedrine, and the peripheral stimulation is much more manageable. I have tried other stimulants (Vyvanse, Ritalin, 2-FMA), but find Dexedrine the best for me. Starting when I was on Adderall, I grew concerned about what all this amphetamine could be doing to me. I tried out all sorts of nootropics and regimens (over the years: piracetam, aniracetam, oxiracetam, nefiracetam, pramiracetam, coluracetam, fasoracetam, sunifiram, alpha-GPC, choline bitartrate, centrophenoxine, bacopa, ashwagandha, two different curcumins, reishi, methylene blue, PQQ, spirulina, chlorella, LLLT, uridine monophosphate, sodium butyrate, a few probiotics, agmatine, whey protein, creatine, inositol, taurine, magnesium, potassium, st. john’s wort, ALA, ALCAR, tyrosine, and probably many others I’m forgetting), with the hope of either finding a safer replacement for speed, or at least mitigating side effects/damage.
I have been an avid experimenter and drug nerd for a long time, and the transition from obsessing over DMT to obsessing over acetylcholine et al was a natural one. As with supplements, I have fiddled recreationally with a fair number of chemicals (cannabis, nicotine, alcohol, LSD, mushrooms, 2C-B, MDMA, 25C-NBOMe, 4-HO-MiPT, AMT, nitrites, nitrous nxide, DXM, DPH, zolpidem, MXE, tramadol, tianeptine, hydrocodone, kratom, phenibut, and likely more ^_>). I should add that I have Asperger’s alongside the ADHD; drugs and supplements were always more of an autastic academic interest to me than anything else. I do lots of research on whatever I plan to put in my body, and generally I would say I take good care of myself. Addiction has never been a big problem for me, though it runs in the family, and I’m always a little anxious about it. Among my cousins are a former meth addict, recovering opiod abuser, and a fellow who started going to AA meetings at 15.
While I wouldn’t say I’m an addict, I ingest a whole lot of chemicals almost every day. Dexedrine, probably some supplements like fish oil or ALCAR, about ten cups of tea, more supplements, marijuana to ease the inevitable crash, and clonidine (and sometimes Ambien) for sleep. For a few years now I have taken four grams of phenibut nearly every weekend. I use nitrous and psychedelics on occasion.
Insomnia, urged on by stimulants, has been part of my life for some time. It’s particularly bad in the summer, which also happens to be my absolute least favorite season. This part of the year, I’m just always miserable for whatever reason. Last night I drank a full bottle of white wine, alongside some clonidine, melatonin and maybe Benadryl, hoping for a night’s sleep- didn’t get a wink.
Over the past few months I have been subject to a host of physical ailments. Early in the summer, I went to the ER with a pain that was attributed to urinary retention possibly induced by clonidine. That sounded fishy to me, and when I looked into it on my own, it seemed much more likely that Dexedrine was the culprit. Still haven’t gotten any answers to my questions, and my mom doesn’t want me taking any supplements, for fear they could be conspirators against my bladder too. Rectal bleeding has been a consistent issue. No change of my Stack seems to improve the situation, and the hydrocortisone I’m using doesn’t seem to either. I had a colonoscopy and a catheter, making me feel several decades older than I am. There are a number of other little pains and discomforts. All this makes me worry- amphetamine can boost me to success and well-being of a sort, but at what cost is it worth it to me? Is it just responsible for some twitching and insomnia, or is it likely to get a catheter back in me sometime down the line?
For these and other reasons, this has been a particularly bad summer. I had a job for about a week, with a small financial software company. My boss said he was impressed by my intelligence, but that I just wasn’t right for the job. Since the ER visit and other complications arose about a week after that, I wasn’t able to find another job, and now I’m broke. A panic episode led me to a program at the local psychiatric hospital, which I attended for three days and didn't find the least bit helpful. I have been irritable in general lately, and have had intrusive thoughts of breaking things and hurting people. My parents urged me to study for the GRE (grad school entrance exams), which stressed me out quite a bit, as does every thought related to grad school. For the last week, I have done little but play Diablo III (excellent game to play on speed, by the way) and read, and I feel useless.
I left a few things out, but that’s the gist of it. I would love to get some feedback about my situation, especially the place of substances in it.
