9 replies to this topic

[Organism]

Hello, I wanted to start a sort of internet-diary for quite a while and among other platforms I decided on longecity, because I'm very new to the subject and I need all the specialized knowledge, experience and advice I can get and posting this on a forum for general life improvement would gives me way less access to people experience in the nootropic area.

 

Prehistory:

4-5 years ago: I've failed my bachelor thesis, because I would procrastinate at doing essential tasks, contacting required people. It was in no way too difficult for me, but I made it so. I think I was distracting myself mostly by plasr aying League of Legends, while smoking rolled cigarretes. I would occassionally get drunk.

3-4 years ago: I've failed my bachelor thesis second time. For the same reason, although I'm indulging in alcohol more and still playing League of Legends or watching entire seasons of TV shows in days. This time my brother offered to pay for the studies, so my self esteem is in the gutters.

1 year 4 months - 3 years ago: I find a job in retail. I become pretty good at it, make some good friends there. Although all of them leave. New people, new management, I feel entitled as fuck (since I was doing a lot on my initiave and was a go to person  for pretty much any subject) and since I'm drinking often i'm not happy and emotionally resillient - I display that in a pretty lame way, as you can imagine. Tension builds up and I get fired. I spent next 3 months drinking (I'd say equivalent of 0.6 Liter Vodka 5 out of 7 days of the week), smoking and playing League of Legends.

2 months ago - 1 year 2 months: am in debt and heavily depressed. I feel pathetic about myself. My relative suggests to come to live in Germany. To find work and get up back on my feet (not one of my friends or family know that I'm an alcoholic). I do so and for about 2 months I do not touch alcohol and cigarettes. Until I start receiving paychecks. So if we look back at 2016, beginning of March - I'm drinking about 0.7 liter of Vodka per day (or equivalent of Red Wine) most of the days of the week, I'm smoking and spending all my time mindless entertainment. At this point I don't have a job. I can't look people in the eye, any work requires so much effort. I feel, with good reason, hated by my relative and have brutally low self-esteem. People around cannot understand what the fuck is wrong with me, why I'm not doing anything with my life. At this point still no one knows that I'm an alcoholic.

8 weeks ago, I have pretty much no money and somehow my debit card allowed me to go into debt, until I couldn't. I have to be very careful with my purchases, otherwise I will have nothing to eat. Although I take food from my relative, but only when I'm not seen... Still drinking and smoking cheapeast stuff I can find.

7 weeks ago, I stop smoking because too expensive, still drinking cheap red wine. Spend all my time watching TV shows on laptop.

6 weeks ago: Start reading Allen Carr's "Easyway to control Alcoholism". Book instructs to not quit at this point. I am almost moneyless, so I choose to drink 4-5 half a liter cans of beer per day, since they're the cheapest alcohol source.

5 weeks ago: I accidentally break my laptop. Spend the next 2 weeks mostly reading and drinking in the evenings. June 1st I start no porn, no masturbation habit (goal is whole summer).

4 weeks ago: July 12th is the day when I ceremoniously drink my last alcoholic drink ever. After few day I tell the WHOLE truth to my relative. I admit all my shames. It's cathartic. I feel understood. I think there's hope for me.  I start doing DDP Yoga 3 times per week and high intensity training 2 times per week.

3 weeks ago: In next 2 days I find a place of employement. I read a lot. I start doing creative visualization and non directive meditation each day.

2 weeks ago: After working for 2 days I'm fired. I don't give fuck. I trust my competence and motivation at this point. I'm also maintaining my fitness and mind habits. By the way - I have about 6 euros to my name.

6-7 days ago:  A miracle happens. I've receive a considerable sum of money from the unemployment agency for the past months. I made no inquiry about it and didn't expect it. I feel grateful and invigorated. I start Keto diet. In the morning I drink bulletproof coffee and then fast until 16-17 hour. I decide to order a bunch of supplements and somehow nootropics catch my attention. I start devouring information about them. Meanwhile also order a bunch of vitamins, minerals and light nootropics.

3-5 days ago: I order some more serious, to my standards, stuff. I'm bursting with excitement. Last several days from early morning (I started waking up at 6 regularly) to evening I've spent reading articles, reviews, ebooks and discussions and listening to podcasts about nootropics.

2 days ago: I receive my first nootropic - Piracetam. More about that in the next post.

Today: In the last month i have made the largest leap in the language improvement of the past year. I went from having a noticeable bunch of lard on my belly to having a six pack and getting noticeably stronger. My self esteem is significantly higher. I can focus much better and work requires much less efort. Now let's see what I can achieve with help from Nootropics

 

Goals:

• Find a job, which I would enjoy
• Learn SEO, Internet marketing, copywriting. Find a public way way of expressing myself ant monetising it. (Or something of this theme. I'm green at this, and up to this point I've never had ustained discipline to immerse myself)
• Become fluent in German
• Continually make my body stronger, more mobile and more graceful.
• Have serene, peaceful, happy and detached state as my baseline.
• Develop relationships with people which would enrich my life. Start enjoying social interactions without anxiety.
• Have a lot of sex with beautiful women.

 

My nootropics and supplements:

• Piracetam 120x1200mg, Pirabene 120x1200mg, Geratam 120x1200mg. Those last too are trademarked piracetams, and little more expensive. Although they'll probably will be the same, but why not try.
• Noopept - sublingual liquid - 1 g
• Modvigil 10x200mg, Modalert 10x200mg
• Phenibut - 20x250mg

 

• Alpha GPC - 50 g
• Acetyl L-Carnitine - 100g
• L-Theanine - 50g
• Bacopa Monnieri - 30g

And the rest of supplements. I'll write the ammount of substance in one capsule and in () the ammount of them I'll be consuming daily:

• Vitamin D - 5600 IE (1-morning, with BP Coffee)
• Vitamin K2 - 200mc (1-morning, with BP Coffee),
• Vitamin B-50 - The whole array of b group vitamins in high doses (1 with first solid meal)
• Magnessium Chellate - 200mg (3-4 with first solid meal)
• Zinc Glucomate - 50mg (1 with first solid meal)
• Copper - 2mg (1 with first solid meal)
• Boron - 3mg (3 with first solid meal)
• PB8 Probiotic (1)
• Vitamin C - haven't bought yet, but i'll probably mix it in my water and add some with my meals, to consume 2-3 grams daily.
• Lecithin - 1200mg (1 tablet for each 1200 of Pirace, until my Alpha GPC arrives)

In the further posts I'll start describing my experiences and specific doses for the smart drugs and nootropics . I'll start with Piracetam, which arrived first. Will make a post either tomorrow or in next few days.

 

Your comments, hellos, questions and advice are very welcome.

[Organism]

Day 1 (July 2nd)

Since I've received an email that my order of Piracetam is coming on Saturday instead of Monday, I've got pumped as fuck and spend few a hours in anticipating, positive state. Which is a nootropic in itself. No surprise I've received great results, when I actually ingested Piracetam, due to synergy with my already great emotional state.

 

1200mg Piracetam+2g Lecithine (350mg Choline)

1st hour. I start smiling by myself at ~20 minutes and during the next 40 minutes it gets more and more intense. I am doing a simple tidying job and notice that I'm more thorough than normal and arraging items in an aesthetic order gives me pleasure.

 

2nd - 3rd hour.I do 20 minutes of audio language training. It's German and this is there I live right now. It's Michel Thomas method. I notice that when I need to respond in German, words come up to me. As I hear them in my mind I don't know if they are right or not, they feel alien. Happened like 8~ times and let's say 7 times it was the correct word. I mention it because it's not usual for me for have subconscious be at my service this way. I didn't experience immersion during those 20 minutes. As always I wanted to finish the exercises and go do something else. Maybe that will change later, with prolonged use of piracetam, with adding other substances or maybe I will need to invest more time in the task before expecting that kind of focus and immersion.

 

I listed one of my goals to speak German fluently. I live in Germany now and my current level is around A2. After exiting the supermarket I meet a man I know. We talk for few  minutes and not once I need to ask him to clarify what he means and not once do I have to search for a word. Looking back at this, that's pretty damn impressive for me. Better and faster access to my linguistic knowledge confirmed.

 

One other thing, I've notice during those 2 hours. did develop quite good posture in the last few weeks, due to doing yoga, but I notice myself standing straighter and feeling more confident/assertive than norm. I see more females doing femaly stuff around me (adjusting hair, throwing half smiles). Normally I wouldn't even mention it, but I was wearing my goofy ass glasses, from my school years, which usually make me insecure and If i ever go out for longer time I would opt for contacts).

 

I listen to a song on my phone while I wait for a friend to come back to the car. The song sounds very noticeably slower. 

 

I kept taking Piracetam (total 4,8g) and Lecithing (total 7g (1,1g Choline)). Besides experiencing verbal fluency, slower perception of music, better access to subconscious, I did have a definitive mood boost and alleviation of anxiety. Some daily tasks, which often would have a follow up negative thoughts of what other people will think of that were done without self-questioning. 

 

Day 2 (July 3rd)

Now yesterday I've started taking Piracetam at 12:40. Today I woke up at 5:00, which means I've slept about 4-5 hours. It got really cold during early morning hours and this is probably why I woke up. I feel good and clear (Keto diet is wonderful for removing morning grogginess) so I don't bother warming myself up and get up instead. I started by drinking Bullet Proof Coffee with Vit D,K2, 1200mg Pira and 1g of Lecithin. By the way. I notice that every time I take a Piracetam pill, I get a sense, which I struggle to describe in my head. It's not physical pressure, but something similar to what you get after taking a drink or smoking a joint, but on much smaller scale. Definitely some kind of shift. I can confirm it happened in the next few days also.

 

I do yoga for the first time, while on Piracetam and feels a little nicer than normal, but only a little, like 8-10% nicer. For comparisson, If i do yoga while high, It's very immersive experience, I feel things I normally don't feel. I am able to stretch in ways I've never stretched before. with Pira, it was "a little nicer". I couldn't come up with a different description for the effect. Another thing I noticed: I was still pretty bored with it, as pretty much always and wanted it to end, but the time passed really fast while I was doing it.

 

I take another same sized dose after 2 hours. Almost immediatelly I start feeling discomfort in my stomach and nauseousness. I attempt reading and become drowsy. I then lay down and able to have a 20 minute nap. Feel much better afterwards. I kept taking Piracetam that day, for 5 times total, the added up ammount being 6000mg. Euphoric effect from yesterday subsided, but absence of anxiety stayed. As far as my mental abilities went, I am not sure. I spent most of the day reading book and researching nootropics. The thing is I was fluctuating between those 2 and my "research" was having 10 different articles and discussions open and jumping from one to another. Not the best way to allow your brain to focus.

 

Day 3 (July 4th)

I wake up at 3:50 o_O (fallen asleep at about 00:00). Well whatever, I feel good, so I get up. Attempt to up my dose to 1800mg - no difference felt. My total dose this day is 7200mg. Main thing I notice that listening to podcasts at regular speed (which I always did up to this point) seems unbearably slow. 150% is very comfortable. By incremently increasing it, I can get to 185%. I find great benefit, not only in reducing the time required to get the information, but it's much less boring that way and inclines me to focus on what I'm hearing instead of unconsciously looking for distractions. All in all my current drugged state seems normal (except the point immediately after swallowing the pill, where I feel that shift, I've mentioned at Day 2) Still experiencing general alleviation of anxiety.

 

Day 4 (July 5th)

Yep...woke up at 4:00 - what the fuck. Yesterday I again fell asleep at about midnight, after spending 2 or so hours in bed. Not too happy about that. I am interested to see how my sleep develops. Today I've had the same thing happen as on Day 2. After my 2nd dose my stomach got really upset and I felt nauseous. I'm reading, but my comprehension and focus are either average or below. Which isn't too surprising, considering I've slept ~13-14 hours in last 3 nights. I'm able to take a nap and it makes me feel better.

 

Later in the day I add Alcar, Bacopa, Theaning and replace Lecithine with Alpha GPC. I drink all of them at once Alcar - 500mg, Bacopa - 250mg, GPC - 250mg, Theanine - 250mg. Of course I take 1200mg Piracetam together. Immediatelly I feel a little drowsy and foggy. A little later I experience mini euphoric feeling, and I have a slight persistent smile. Not sure how my mind works . I feel a little "out there", which would be similar to smoking a joint, although my mind seems to work normal, also no paranoia or anything of that sort. I do still experience slight discomfort in my stomach and lack of sleep is apparent, but at the same time I feel energetic - pretty weird.

 

30 minutes or so after downing those 5 components I go out for a walk. I choose a path with a lot of gardens and nature and they look pretty damn awesome, I've to say. I don't experience much pleasure from it though. I think I would enjoy this increased visual perception much more without a sleep deficit.

 

Day 5 (July 6th - Day of this post)

Again woke up at 4, but was able to fall asleep again and next time woke up at 5:10 feeling more rested and clear - good stuff.

 

I've started with Bullet proof coffee and drank 200mg Theanine with it. The drowsiness, which I've mentioned yesterday immediately came up. Apparently Theanine is the reason. I will need to experiment with skipping it altogether and reducing the dose. Further along I drank Bacopa 250mg (with fish oil, since it's fat soluble), Alcar 500mg and Piracetam 1200mg+300mg Alpha GPC. I kept 30 minutes between each, to be able to spot any individual effect they would bring. Though nothing noticeable happened. A little later I've noticed myself rearing the fridge and throwing away old packages - nice.

 

I wanted to confirm that Theanine makes me drowsy, so I've a simple cup of coffee and mixed in 600mg (triple dose) L-Theanine. Weirdly it didn't. Yesterday I'll try to add 50-100mg to my first coffee and observe the effect. All in all the combination of ALCAR, Bacopa, Theanine, Alpha GPC and Piracetam seem to be working quite nicely. I will now go to read a book and later will go out to the city. I'll observe how the current stack various aspects of learning and interaction and report here. 

Edited by Organism, 06 July 2016 - 08:34 AM.

[KitsonRalph]

Hey!

 

Love the idea of the thread but noticed you havent posted in around 10 days. Hows it going? 

[gamesguru]

I'm not a doctor, but sounds to me like comorbid borderline and schizotypal personalities.

the procrastination and entitlement, as well as the undesirable baseline mood all point to borderline (ADD + depression is also plausible)
the persistent, excessive social anxiety as well as the physical self-neglect point to schizotypy (social anxiety + depression is also plausible)

Edited by gamesguru, 15 July 2016 - 04:21 PM.

[LittleDragons]

I'm not a doctor, but sounds to me like comorbid borderline and schizotypal personalities.

the procrastination and entitlement, as well as the undesirable baseline mood all point to borderline (ADD + depression is also plausible)
the persistent, excessive social anxiety as well as the physical self-neglect point to schizotypy (social anxiety + depression is also plausible)

I wouldn't worry too much about that.

There is waay more that goes into both of those diagnoses than just feeling one way or another on a retrospective journal type entry on a forum. I too am no physician, but I am studying in mental health and diagnostics. 

Personality disturbances are usually these types of traits taken to extremes within a persons life. For example, I may feel entitled in my graduate classes because I am smarter then the other students, but that has nothing to do with how I feel the rest of the time  

 

The thing that causes a personality disturbance is that it is persistent pervasive and enduring. It is not so much a 'disorder'  but more seen as a way of being in the world that is maladaptive (which is technically what a disorder is, but because its so hard to change personality its easier to think of it like this). We all have these traits, just not taken to maladaptive extremes. 

While we are diagnosing him I would shoot for substance use disorder, but as he has finished drinking I think things will improve.

 

I am also interested in your progress OP. Personally I try to shy away from phenibut because that stuff can have withdrawals as severe or moreso than benzodiazapines if taken regularly. 

It may also be beneficial to note that you are probably experiencing post acute withdrawal symptoms (even if there was no acute withdrawal from alcohol) which can last a while after cessation of drinking. This could be where the residual anxiety and uneasiness is coming from.

 

Looking forward to your update

[Organism]

Hey!

 

Love the idea of the thread but noticed you havent posted in around 10 days. Hows it going? 

 

Thanks for asking.

 

Day 7-Day 14 (July15th)

I kept using various combinations of my stack Alcar/Theanine/Bacopa/Alpha GPC/Piracetam/Noopept. Journal is indeed crucial, if I didn't document it, sometimes by the end of the evening I would have forgotten what the hell have I taken.

 

• Alcar - didn't notice any effect, but yet to try it alone.
• Theanine - makes me drowsy if attempted with coffee, so I resorted to sometimes using before bed I feeling too energetic and it's too late.
• Alpha GPC - makes me drowsy as well and now I'm experimenting with totally cutting it out. So far for 5 days and didn't notice any headaches. I have theory what it was GPC, which caused mild nausea several times in the earlier days, when taken on an empty stomach.
• Bacopa - just eating 300mg before sleep, expecting improvements in the long term. Sometimes I take it sublingually to prove myself what a man I am.
• Noopept - I have a liquid concentrate. 1ml~3mg. From what I've read It's even more potent than those numbers when compared to powder. If I take 2ml or more it gives a heady buzz. I didn't notice other improvements and I notice short term memory affected in a negative, annoying way.
• Piracetam - I would say it gives a mild boost to cognition, but the problem is I've spend last week in this pseudo-research phase. Reading anecdotes, articles, listening to podcasts, browsing internet shops. Problem is I did it in a scattered unfocused way. And if optimal way to make yourself smarter is to seek novelty and challenge (activity would have to be hard and enjoyable at the same time). Than I was all the way up the novelty scale, and pretty no low on difficulty. While I did somewhat expand my horizons, this would leave me at the end of the day with unsatisfied feeling.

 

 

For now I have decided to: use Piracetam 3x1,2g, Bacopa 300mg. Theanine ocassionally before bed. Cut other stuff out. I also spaced out my other supplements a bit. At this point I'm pretty sure I have a pinworms or something similar so I'm quite desperate to get rid of them. I expect they could have huge impact on productivity, mood, motivation, well being in general. So I've bought Wormwood combination for that. Though I'm thinking about attempting 100% Pure Gum Terpentine for that. Read some very positive reviews about the latter method.

 

• Upon waking up: Piracetam (Proceed to take it 2 more times, with 5 hours in between), 5g creatine
• 60-90minutes later: butter, coconut oil coffee with 6000IU Vit D, 200mg K2, Probiotic, Wormwood combination, Vit C.
• First meal, about 12 hours after waking up: the rest of them (B complex, Copper, Zinc, Little Magnessium, whatever else I've listen in the introductory posts and also repeat Probiotic and Wormwood.
• Second meal, about 14 hours after waking up: Probiotic, Wormwood
• Before sleep: bigger part of my Magnessium daily dose, Theanine, Bacopa.

Now since Thursday (Day 15) I've been popping Modalert in the morning. First tried 100mg, then yesterday 75mg and today 50mg. Effect is quite pronounced from either of the doses. Especially after I drink my first coffee. But I won't comment about Moda for now. I write about in few days.

[Organism]

I'm not a doctor, but sounds to me like comorbid borderline and schizotypal personalities.

the procrastination and entitlement, as well as the undesirable baseline mood all point to borderline (ADD + depression is also plausible)
the persistent, excessive social anxiety as well as the physical self-neglect point to schizotypy (social anxiety + depression is also plausible)

 

When I read this at first I had a laugh, like "what the fuck is he talking about", but I've got quite fascinated. Until this point I've believed those there the reasons for my state in life: lack of discipline, limiting self beliefs, alcoholism, possibly having parasites, lack of purpose in life. When I trawl various forums, whose main user base is either from North America or more advanced European counties, quite I often I see people proclaiming "I've been diagnosed with x, where x is certain mentail disorder. Where I grow up, there's (or was at least) no culture for this kind of thing, so I'm curious to explore this side too.

 

Short prehistory of my general success in life, so you could have some more context and material to analyze if you're interested. I started reading earlier than average, and did quite a lot of reading, while at school. This (I would assume so) gave me a head start at school and I was at the top of the class. I would also do my homework without procrastination. An interesting detail to note is: I had a believe that I couldn't be loved. As in, I thought there's no way I will ever get married, there's no chance someone would love me. And I had a loving parents.

 

Few years in I started postponing my homework. E.g. While sitting at the table, while I was supposed to do math, I would read history books or some fiction book. Later it grew into not doing my homework and then waking up after everyone went to sleep and during it at night. How fucking stupid, now when I think about it, but that's how procrastination worked. And I would get away with it.

 

At about 13 my self esteem had a serious drop. My guess is that it's related to masturbation. I started when I was 13 and I in no way considered it normal behaviour. I would become very uncomfortable whenever someone in my presence would talk about it. And I felt like a bitch in general, some of my classmates started bullying me psychologically. Also few around this time or little earlier I've started noticing that my father (and later I realized my mother too) were alcoholics and they would have raging conflicts, which were emotionally very shocking to me. Some particular experiences etched in my mind pretty deeply and would replay themselves other and other again. I remember having profound hatred for alcohol and "knowing" that I will never ever use it. From the same period (might be few years back though) of time there's another memory.

 

Me, my father and my mother's mom(grandmother) were in nature. We were descending from a hill, grandmother started going a little faster and couldn't stop. I thought this was funny, but started going faster so I can catch up with her and grab her hand. Unfortunately i wasn't able to and she fell on the ground. What happened was she broke her hand in a quite a terrible way. Two bones sticking out. As I type this I have tears rolling down my face and I'm 27 years old. After that I would replay that experience in my mind other and other again and I remember very strong feeling of guilt for not preventing it. It was exacerbated by the fact it took very long time for hear to heal and she never was the same. She used to be very active woman, spend days gathering herbs and then selling them at the bazaar. After she somewhat healed,  her hand still painful and weak she became much less active and died in few years. 

 

Anyway, until I was 15-16, I continued having quite a hard time at school, while having only few good friends, but never felt accepted withing my tribe. Later our class was rearranged and last 2 years I've spent in a more relaxed way. Though my habits of procrastination persisted and my parents were still alcoholics. At around that time I started sampling the alcohol, which I've confiscated from my mother (who was hiding it around the house). At that time I believed it I took it away from her and she would abstain just for little, maybe she could stop for good.

 

I don't know if it's worth continuing, at least I don't; want to. I feel a little drained. One thing I mention is that during the last year and intense feeling of shame about myself I understood my mother quite a bit. The way she acted in general, around the house, how she would never want to go outside or meet other people. Her horrible mood. I realized that all her person was in a prison of shame (and still is to this day).

 

Gamesguru, I'm interested to hear if you have any more thoughts. Also diagnoses you've made. Care to connect them to specific behaviours and explained the meaning of those in practical terms and maybe best ways to have a successful life despite them? I'm also interested where does your knowledge comes from.

 

 

 

I am also interested in your progress OP. Personally I try to shy away from phenibut because that stuff can have withdrawals as severe or moreso than benzodiazapines if taken regularly. 

It may also be beneficial to note that you are probably experiencing post acute withdrawal symptoms (even if there was no acute withdrawal from alcohol) which can last a while after cessation of drinking. This could be where the residual anxiety and uneasiness is coming from.

 

Looking forward to your update

 

As far as Phenibut goes. It's 20x250mg pills and from that I've read this would be like 2 days dosages. So the ammount itself protects me

 

In case that were, what you're saying about lingering withdrawal effects. How long until they completely go away? Although I doubt it. My mood these days is pretty closely related to my actions and when I get a random thought of "Wouldn't it would be nice to have drink", I immediately replace it "Holy shit I'm glad I'm free from alcohol". Although i do notice how I treat nootropics as a replaced and sometimes hope to get high from them.

Edited by Organism, 16 July 2016 - 07:08 AM.

[gamesguru]

The belief of not being loved is probably clustered with the whole fear of abandonment thing. Shame and inadequacy also factor in, obviously. And yeah, if I started laughing as my grandma ran out of control, I might have some guilt too. The whole shame/guilt thing is mostly borderline. The hating alcohol is definitely more like schizotypy.  Usually borderline is extroverted (somewhat), despite their shame, so it's a combination of both traits in your mother.  Same with you at school, not having blood bros.  Normally borderline aren't even aware of their unrelatedness and are the annoying, dramatic center of attention... but combined with the lonerness and self-angst of schizotypy, it becomes impossible to deny or ignore.

 

Perhaps, when you get to the bottom of yourself, you'll realize these people were not close friends and had little in common with you. Then you set to finding resources to put yourself out there and find relatable friends. Maybe if you like history so much, a history degree. But those people are really shy and boring to begin with, so it may not be the best choice (even if you love history).

 

The kind of shame your mother secludes herself over is similar to yours over masturbation (not calling your mother a whore, it could be her shame over poverty, or just being a boring unfunny person for example).  One solution, just try to have at least one joke to tell. Like if a guy asks how your morning was, say smoking bowls in my car, you know, jerkin off at elementary school.  I don't know what type of shame you're experiencing today, you don't specify, but just talking about it (in a funny light way) is a good tool.  Someone told me in 9th grade to work on my humor, and I kind of got offended and went into denial that I was an unfunny guy until 6 years later. I kind of snapped out of it, but unfortunately when you try to change yourself in your mid 20s (when personality is crystallizing) the progress is not as good and you have to work twice as hard... like your grandma's healing, it's not exactly how a young child heals.

 

This sort of way over-the-top humor is one way to break the ice and convince yourself, no matter what you say, this guy practically won't do anything to get pissed off at me. He's even laughing! Just have jokes about poverty, about how laziness pays off now, hard work over time. Just joke. That advice is gonna be especially helpful on finding a little female friend. You do a good job of telling a story online, I'm sure you can do it in person too. These sort of social things are greatly affected by both diseases. You have to work on it, the social aspect. The anxiety can be made less with time, by exposure (like the guy who won't get pissed off at your pedophelia), just work on your stranger game... going out of your way to strike up conversation with people you happen to be next to, or in the same room with. Maybe you will hit it off with a ton of things in common, but probably you will be too shy for a few months to know just what to say or ask. Just being mindful and working harder than everyone else, that is one key to staying afloat. The maladjustment or maladaptment or how you will call it, it's related to the entitlements, laziness, and turbulent employment.  No quick answer, otherwise than, you will have push yourself a little harder than the average joe to attain the same level of functioning

 

I would also recommend a quality japanese tea, if parents can afford. I have in mind, Zencha.net's sencha moe.  The theanine is quite relaxing, restores a good mood, and improves sociability.  The caffeine gets you motivated, to counteract the entitlement and laziness.  The EGCG works at the molecular level, to improve glutamate, sertonin, acetylcholine function. This can give you a more expressive face, and makes you less forgetful (particularly self-declarative memory, implicated in sense-of-self).  Pulverize it to a powder in a mortar and pestle, then steep 10 minutes at full temperature. Don't even worry about a silly infuser. Drink the grits if you like (i don't).

Edited by gamesguru, 16 July 2016 - 12:35 PM.

[LittleDragons]

 

I am also interested in your progress OP. Personally I try to shy away from phenibut because that stuff can have withdrawals as severe or moreso than benzodiazapines if taken regularly. 

It may also be beneficial to note that you are probably experiencing post acute withdrawal symptoms (even if there was no acute withdrawal from alcohol) which can last a while after cessation of drinking. This could be where the residual anxiety and uneasiness is coming from.

 

Looking forward to your update

 

As far as Phenibut goes. It's 20x250mg pills and from that I've read this would be like 2 days dosages. So the ammount itself protects me

 

In case that were, what you're saying about lingering withdrawal effects. How long until they completely go away? Although I doubt it. My mood these days is pretty closely related to my actions and when I get a random thought of "Wouldn't it would be nice to have drink", I immediately replace it "Holy shit I'm glad I'm free from alcohol". Although i do notice how I treat nootropics as a replaced and sometimes hope to get high from them.

 

 

Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS abbreviated) can last anywhere from two months to two years. The freedom you are referring to is often referred to the initial 'high' of sobriety. Its often one of those things that comes and goes. Life will happen and shitty things come up. I also have had experiences similar with how I use nootropics, though in my perspective this is largely harm reductionist for me as these things improve my life rather than destroy it!

 

Edit:

I would also recommend against over pathologizing as it will take time to sort out all of the neurochemistry which happens naturally. On top of this, noots generally take some time to act at their best in my system so that too will take some time, though the nootropics will probably help as well with the balancing of brain chems. I don't pretend to know all about all the neurochemistry but I do know that over analyzing yourself and giving yourself diagnoses that you don't have is generally a negative, as you can actually make your symptoms worse by falling into the diagnostic categories through self fulfilling prophecy. 

This is something you should watch out for, as it is very negative in the long term and often are pet peeves of professionals because unprofessional diagnosis can be very damaging in the long run.

Edited by LittleDragons, 16 July 2016 - 06:56 PM.

[gamesguru]

these pathologies really are more likely due to genes and early environment factors than a tobacco and whisky problem as a late teen. my mother took to both around age 11, and has only narcissistic/histrionic traits. definitely more anxiety than depression, without introversion or extreme traits. and she drinks like a race horse, smokes like a chimney. some people do that and never have mental problem, e.g. they died rich of lung cancer