Hello,
I am suffering from scrupulosity. It started with a very vivid dream I had in December 2015 in which I died with my fundamentalist Christian uncle and went to hell because I was a nonbeliever.
Since then, the thought of hell has constantly been on my mind. Without stop. For 8 months. I am already taking 40 mg of fluoxetine and it has helped a bit, but I still think about it almost constantly. I feel compelled to read articles about religion and watch debates.
I used to be a standard agnostic atheist, or even apatheist, I really didn't care all that much. I am studying math in university and until last year was more or less indifferent to religious issues.
I have always had this fear of hell, but it was very manageable for years, and for a long time it didn't bother me at all. I can vividly recall having what I would now describe as panic attacks about it when I was little, and having my dad tell me it wasn't real. My dad is an agnostic atheist and my mom is vaguely Christian. My parents are divorced and I have an 8 out of 10 on the ACE questionnaire. Because of childhood trauma I think I have pathological guilt.
I am 19 now and have been depressed for years. I have thought about suicide almost daily since my freshman year in high school. The only thing that kept me going was my motivation for learning and my best friend. My father wouldn't cooperate with me with anything, so I had to go to a uni that would offer a scholarship for me. I was also depressed as a senior and didn't really apply anywhere, and neither my parents nor counselor did anything. I understand that this is my fault mostly, but I wish I think the factors that led to my depression were out of my control.
I have also suffered from mild to moderate episodes of DP/DR. I was nearing the end of a DP/DR episode when the dream happened.
All throughout high school I told myself that all my work (I got 5s on 9 AP tests, 3.93 GPA, 33 ACT) would pay off, but it hasn't. I went to a good public school, and all my peers are now seemingly having fun and going to good schools, while I suffer with crushing depression, guilt, sadness, OCD, and I go to a mediocre university.
On the positive side, I won't have debt when I graduate and I'm only a little more than a year away from a math degree.
I really want to try to improve soon, because in the fall I will be taking abstract algebra and real analysis, and I don't want to fail. I can't fail. If I do, I will lose my scholarship and my life will be essentially over.
Anyway, I know I'm starting to ramble and I included some unnecessary details. I should also note that I am currently seeing a therapist. She isn't doing
much, I think I need to see a real psychologist and get CBT.
I don't currently have insurance. I lost my medicaid last month and I don't know why.
Any advice? I feel somewhat trapped.
PS: Please don't leave any replies encouraging me to convert, especially to Christianity, as I have prayed and tried, and it didn't help. I worry that maybe there's a god I haven't heard of that's going to damn me, or that we all go to hell, etc. General terrifying unfalsifiable thoughts about the afterlife that Christianity doesn't help with. Also, a lot of this started because my fundie Uncle scared the crap out of me when I was 10 about hell-he told me all Hindus were going to hell, etc.
I am open to arguments/reasons why Hell probably isn't real.
Also, please don't think I am hostile to Christianity. I like annihilationist and Universalist Christianity, but the idea of eternal conscious torment boggles my mind so much and scares me so much that I try my best to avoid it.
Peace
Edited by Xerox, 22 July 2016 - 02:51 AM.