My Panic Attack Puzzle
Background leading up to situation
These events happened a year ago. At the time I was on 30mg Mirtazapine a day. Not eating right (around 1500 kcal a day, mostly bread and some veg). Played a lot of online poker (5 hours a day) and also had various events like driving test and a kickboxing event which would have added to stress. I was also smoking cannabis every other day (not a massive amount but it was quite constant how stoned I was getting). Sleep I was getting about 8-9 hours depending on if I’d been smoking. (Smoking cannabis made it harder to get to sleep)
On the day
I met with a friend and I felt pretty calm, we were just going to relax and smoke a bit. He had the idea of trying some “research chemicals”. I can’t remember the name of these chemicals but I know they were analogues/clones of cocaine.
As they were new to me I decided to do little bumps at first to see how I would react. From the first chemical I felt good, usual energy bump and very similar to the real stuff. We had a little to drink at this point (a beer and a couple of tequila shots, not a great deal)
We smoked a bit more and did a few lines of the new chemical. I was starting to feel a little bit worse for wear at this point so decided no more powder for me and decided it would be wise to just stick to smoking.
I was a little anxious about the new chemicals I had put it my body and a little anxious about the place being a mess if my housemate came back but was pretty ok. At some point I took a drag on a bong and this is where it went from good to bad very quickly.
I started to get a familiar feeling that I’ve felt when smoking before. Feels like I’m really anxious and will pass out. (it’s worth noting that years back I did pass out after just a few drags while smoking after I was very hungry) ever since then I’ve tried to keep a full stomach before I smoke and this has helped avoid this feeling. I think usually I would have just passed out at this stage, I remember vividly lying on the sofa and wanting to get comfortable but being very afraid of passing out.
I think my thought at this point was “I have new chemicals in my body, and if I pass out and don’t regain consciousness then my friend won’t be able to help as he is also intoxicated to the point he can’t do anything” (this was untrue and he was actually fine but I was very paranoid that there might be something wrong with him as well).
At some point I felt like my arm was going a little numb as well as the left side of my face. This was when I started to become paranoid that I was having a stroke / heart attack. (I have had neither before but in the past have become anxious when I was extremely tired, had been partying and smelt toast from a nearby cafe). I managed to avoid passing out still but after this I was in a bad state.
I felt like I was trapped, I was scared about my heart rate going up from the powders but also scared about passing out because I thought if I did then I was dead. My friend knew I was in a panic state and explained I was having a panic attack, he told me a few tricks like slowing my breathing etc.
After this we entered the “wave stage” it felt like I would calm down a bit and maybe be okay and then another “wave” would hit. It’s hard to say what this was exactly, maybe some kind of pain in my brain like it was being overloaded with dopamine or something. Each one seemed stronger than the last one which terrified me. Eventually it seemed like I was ok so my friend left for a club while I tried to go to sleep. I eventually realised after trying to sleep for half an hour that I was still afraid to “switch off” and eventually managed to work myself back into a panic, called the ambulance service and said I thought I was having a stroke / serotonin syndrome (mainly because my pupils were basically all of my eyes, I’d never seen them so big before). After they got me to do a quick “raise hands above head” test, they said I should come in to get checked as there have been fatalities with research chemicals recently. Well this kicked my panic up a notch and I felt very much that I could die. my housemate was in and drove me to the hospital.
I explained to the reception what I thought the problem was and they told me to wait. I became panic’y in the waiting room and was basically trying to say “help” to any passing nurses or doctors. Eventually I managed to find someone and got on a bed where they asked me questions. It felt like I could use so much of my brain and think up some really intelligent / creative insights etc but when I did I would get a rush of whatever (dopamine maybe?) through my brain and it felt too much. I eventually got to the point where I was too scared to even have any thoughts. At this point I basically meditated my way for hours because any thought I had just hurt too much and overwhelmed me.
It got to the point where I had accepted I was most likely going to die in that bed. I felt a lot of shame that I would be labelled as a “drug overdose”
After a few hours the symptoms subsided a little and I even fell asleep. The next day I was discharged at noon and was told that I was very panic’y but without information on the chemicals I had taken couldn’t be told exactly what it was. I went home, fell asleep and the next day when I was still feeling weird went into another panic attack, this time I went to the GP and was prescribed propranolol.
Aftermath
Since this time I have come off propranolol & mirtazapine, gone through CBT. Moved to china and my mental health has improved massively, I do get anxious but only in anxious situations (performing on stage, teaching in front of a lot of people etc). I exercise, meditate and try to get as much sleep as I can. (this can be difficult getting an ideal 8-9 hours but I take supplements which help, magnesium, tryptophan, melatonin etc). What I’m curious about is that usually I’m fine but if I’m anxious (e.g performing) then it will bring back these feelings such as fear of passing out (this is a main one that I’ll be so scared that I’ll faint), I’ll occasionally get the “I’m having a stroke” panic attack when I smell something kind of burning or don’t quite understand something (and think my brain isn’t working) but I’ve become better at avoiding those thoughts when they pop up.
I have put a lot of thought into this situation and what happened that night. I don’t want to say anything here just yet because I don’t want to bias anyones initial thoughts but will be happy to share later. I will say though that I have done a lot of research into dopamine, serotonin, gaba, the amygdala, mirtazapine, cannabis, anxiety/panic etc
I have a feeling that I’m on the precipice of being completely healed (the idea of letting go and letting things just happen regardless of how scary has helped massively) if anyone has ever managed to get themselves into a similar situation I’d be more than happy to share what I’ve done to help get me to this point as well in terms of healing. Also if you want further information on anything let me know as my brain unfortunately remembers this all very vividly.
Thanks for reading! 
