Hi all.
I have searched long and hard in this forum and there seems to be no thread specifically discussing separation anxiety and other types of abandonment issues. I am ashamed to say that I made into my thirties without pinpointing these things as central to my life, even though I have suffered and continue to suffer like a dog from this horrible lifetrap (yes, lifetrap is actually the term used by specialists and rightfully so).
While spending time in cognitive-behavioural therapy did not do much to help with my depression and anxiety, it did open my eyes to the existence of schema therapy, which focuses on identifying particular harmful paradigms by which some of us are "lucky" enough to live our lives.
There isn't a whole lot of information out there but today I did come across this incredibly accurate link discussing the Abandonment schema which I suffer from and which has made it impossible for me to have healthy intimate relationships. Even though, unfortunately, there is no fast cure (if at all!) for it, it is incredible to see it there, written down in perfect detail. It comes as a relief to pinpoint the exact cause of my emotional turmoil and absurd reactions in relation to the opposite sex. It also comes as a huge blow to realize that I will probably never "outgrow" this stupid lifetrap.
In any case, I leave you with the link and a quote that describes my struggles down to a T:
"ABANDONMENT AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
If you have the Abandonment schema, your romantic relationships are seldom calm and steady. Rather, they often feel like roller coaster rides. This is because you experience the relationship as perpetually on the brink of catastrophe.
If your schema is severe, even minor disruptions in your relationship can feel catastrophic. You feel that if your connection to the loved person were lost, you would be plunged into utter aloneness.
Some people who have the Abandonment schema cope by avoiding intimate relationships altogether. They would rather remain alone than go through the process of loss again.
If you are in a relationship, you may have difficulty tolerating any withdrawal. You worry about even relatively small changes, exaggerating the probability the relationship will end. Jealousy and possessiveness are common themes. Sometimes, as a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, relationships are marked by frequent breakups and tumultuous reconciliations.
Early in your relationships, you may become excessively clingy. Clinging reinforces your schema because it reinforces the idea that you are going to lose the person. It keeps the possibility of abandonment alive in the relationship.
DANGER SIGNALS IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DATING
You probably feel drawn to lovers who hold some potential for abandoning you. Here are some early warning signs. They are signs that your relationship is triggering your Abandonment lifetrap.
Danger Signals in Potential Partners
- Your partner is unlikely to make a long-term commitment because he/she is married or involved in another relationship.
- Your partner is not consistently available for you to spend time together (e.g., he/she travels a lot, lives far away, is a workaholic).
- Your partner is emotionally unstable (e.g., he/she drinks, uses drugs, is depressed, cannot hold down a regular job) and cannot be there for you emotionally on a consistent basis.
- Your partner is a Peter Pan, who insists on his/her freedom to come and go, does not want to settle down, or wants the freedom to have many lovers.
- Your partner is ambivalent about you—he/she wants you but holds back emotionally; or one moment acts deeply in love with you and the next moment acts as though you do not exist.
You are not looking for partners who present no hope of a stable relationship, rather you are attracted to partners who present some hope for stability, but not complete hope—who present a mixture of hope and doubt. You feel as if there is a possibility that you might win the person permanently, or at least get the person to relate to you in a more stable fashion.
You are attracted most to partners who show some degree of commitment and connection, but not so much that you are absolutely sure that they will stay. Living in an unstable love relationship feels comfortable and familiar to you. It is what you have always known. And the instability keeps activating your lifetrap, generating a steady flow of chemistry. You stay passionately in love. Choosing partners who are not really there for you ensures that you will continue to reenact your childhood abandonment."
http://schematherapylondon.org/?p=695
I hope some of you out there find at least some relief in reading this, even though it is a cringing read for suferrers.
To recovery,
Carnation
