What does going to any lengths look like?

May 24th

Sat, 23 May 2015 11:31:20 +0000

Lost track of the days. I am noticing that keep a journal everyday of my progress of my habits is essential. I participate in other things in life and they can consume my time, leading me off the path. Only waking up days later to realize I am off the path,

Lately getting the morning or night ritual has been hard. Mainly because of sleep patterns and sometimes doing morning ritual, would mean I would only be getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep. Making the rest of my plans much harder to impossible. I was forgetting the point of this while process and espciacially why I have a two hour morning ritual.

Morning ritual meta-goals:
*take care of physical health in a time efficient manner
*pump up my emotional immune system
*get a positive flow of emotions
*feel amazingly comfortable and strong so I am able to put myself in situations that might emotional tramatize myself during the day(because that is where the real grow is at)

Anyway review of today:

Did not do:
No morning ritual
4 hours of homework(only like 15min)
Stretching 15 minutes a day.
Review life goals, principles and insights twice a day
Affirmations is car, especially when I do not feel like it
Listen to hypno tape 2x a day
Practice visualizing, vocabulary, writing vivid disciptions organize insights
Brush teeth+floss+mouthwash 3x a day
Say hi to every woman I pass by(yes I am a part time creeper. What can I say, I am a horny dude)
Dress well
Practice looking in the mirror while naked and accepting what I see
Took a cold shower

What I did do:
Do atleast on exercise from a workbook,program a day

Went to two Oa meetings. I am starting to see the benefit of speaking at every meeting. So many its hard to list, but its easier to speak, no discomfort, even at large size meetings. Also people come up to me and speak to me after the meeting, That is the biggest benefit. Because I am socializing everyday, I am becoming much better at it. I am not in my head in every conversation and when I get there I can bring myself to be present again.

Night ritual:
look at where I was concious and uncocnious?--- mainly everywhere, I didn't do an exercise like this in the morning or afternoon to get me on a path, and center myself
~~fears list,~~ ~~dishonesty log,~~
things I avoided, things I did not feel like doing,
~~email food plan to sponsor,~~
~~journal,~~
~~habit log,~~
~~plan tomorrow,~~ I have no fucking clue, gonna wake up in a few hours to go to a meeting, then fall back asleep to go to another meeting. Morning ritual is looking unlikely.
~~make a weekly calendar of it(SUNDAY, PLan week)~~

/////Love the pain, love the discomfort. That is where my growth, true gold is at. Seek it out, enjoy it, embrace it. Emotional, physical, intellectual. That is where life is as my friends.
I MUST PUSH FURTHER
/////

I'm Back(MAY): day 1

Sat, 02 May 2015 02:48:00 +0000

Day 1 was shitty,
Wasn't able to do morning ritual.
Didn't get to bed till 4am, woke up at 6am, then back to bed at 9am, up at 1pm. Going to bed at 8:30pm
So today was a little messy to say the least. Did not use my time in the most productive fashion.

Tomorrow I am waking up at an insane hour of 2am.
Will be crazy. passing out.

I'm Back(MAY): day 0

Fri, 01 May 2015 09:44:00 +0000

Today was awesome. Had a comedy improv class. Was super fun.

I fell short on my habit of starting conversation with random woman. I avoided it. That is something I am going to have to make a priority for the next 6 months for it to be a habit and probably another yr or so before I start enjoying it deeply.

Worked hard. A big thing I notice I do, is I start slowing down, or taking breaks around mid-day to reward myself for my stellar productivity and hard work. This leads to failure. If I am going to plan a break, make it meditation, something that is active process of relaxation and has other benefits. When I start slowing down, my progress goes to shit.
This means around eating especially for me. Because I have 4, to 6 meals a day, I eat often. I rest or take breaks during those times, that can lead to 2hrs of just sitting and thinking.
Also unless I am creatively sitting and thinking, that is a huge waste of time when I could be doing something way more important.

HUGE INSIGHT: everything I wrote above, I have realized, written about and implemented before. I lost all my habits from a drug relapse. I have to remember that is exactly what will happen again if I relapse. I also have to remember it will take me hard work and months and months to get back to where I was. Relapsing puts me back years, not months.
DAMN, cannot afford that anymore from this point on.

My habits for MAY

(meta-goal)Do the things I least want to do first(also slightly prioritize by importance)
(meta-goal)Do not stop hustling till 9pm.
(meta-goal)Have fun with everything you do. Be focused, totally relaxed, present, self amused, happy, and in joy. Aim for flow
Morning ritual- meditation, review life goals, vizualize day, review princples, review day goals, review insights,

hygiene ritual-floss, brush teeth, while listening to self-made hypnosis tape

*30 min of computer sci

*make 3 OA phone calls, try to make the people laugh
*affirmations in the car 2x a day
*say hello to 15 woman
*go out and socialize for 30 min

Night ritual- type in this habit log, fear list, 10 step, plan what I am going to do on fears list.
*hypnosis tape while going to bed

I'm back.

Thu, 30 Apr 2015 08:04:00 +0000

I had an epic fail, since stop writing and doing the things in this blog.

I realize now, I was on a higher plane of consciousness when I wrote this(as the new age people would say).

Since then I got into a very deep dark depression. I had a relapse with some drugs, couldn't stop using for weeks. Put on 20 in a month,

It was lame. All my habits, and habits in the making disappeared.
To be honest, apart of the fire inside me feels like is sorta died,

But I am climbing my way out of the deep dark hole called depression.

My habits for MAY

Morning ritual- meditation, review life goals, vizualize day, review princples, review day goals, review insights,

hygiene ritual-floss, brush teeth, while listening to self-made hypnosis tape

*affirmations in the car
*say hello to 10 woman
*go out and socialize for 30 min

Night ritual- type in this habit log, fear list, 10 step, plan what I am going to do on fears list.
*hypnosis tape while going to bed

I will probably add more. I am getting pretty tired. Going to bed,

Entry 14: I am over doing it.

Wed, 07 Jan 2015 09:52:00 +0000

So it seems like I just keeping stacking new behaviors I want to place as habits.

This is getting to be too much to track.

I think I need to put limit on habits till the 12th of January(which will be a month since I started this project.)

For the next month I probably only want to add 5 habits, because I already have like 15 to 20 habits I am trying to put in place at the moment.

That being said, this is fun and sorta addictive. Especially the things that get me out of my comfort zone. I can be depressed, but doing those, even though they are hard and anxiety provoking, also bring me to life the most. And for someone who use to feeling dull, this is huge.

I must say, I haven't felt this mentally strong in a very long time.(not that means much)

I am going to keep on with this course.

Good day today.

Grow or die.

Entry 13: shit show ramble... dont read.... not worth your time about growth

Tue, 06 Jan 2015 07:58:00 +0000

Entry 13:

noots today:

oxiracetam(750mg) in mid morning
oxiracetam(750mg) 3pm

Things I got from my reading today:(I also I want to spend 4 minutes seeing I can put this knowledge into future success)

*best way to gain self-control is to see how/where/when/why you lose self control
*another interesting task aspect is to look at when I procrastinate or put something off. (avoid)
*Hmmmm. This book talks about will power challenges. It’s interesting because she is implying that all will-power challenges(or lack there of will-power) are all the same. From a person about to break their diet, to the person deciding not to open the past due bill, to the alcoholic. Its hard for me to fully accept this, but I guess on a fundamental reason she is right. I guess I have my own biasts about that idea.

So this book asks to pick out a “will-power challenge.”

Here are it goes:

What is something the you would like to do more of, or stop putting off, because you know that doing it will improve the quality of your life?

Set, visualize, verbalize and intended outcome of every task I do.
Thanking myself, pumping myself with good emotions after completing a task whether the outcome was good or bad, as long as I put effort into it.
Affirmations, in the car.
GETTING HONEST IN ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE. This is probably the hugest and hardest thing for myself. Probably the thing that will be easiest for me to avoid and probably where the most growth will come for myself.
Breaking down my fears. Journal-ling every time I lose control of my emotional nature, places where I feel insecure, I run into fear. Things that I lose control of my awareness, intent, poise, and purpose. Where I am affected more than I am effecting. Once I break it down, I game a plan for action next time, then purposefully and quickly put myself in that position and re-shoot it.

I won’t power challenge: what is the stickiest habit in your life? What would you like to give up or do less of because its undermining your health, happiness or success?

1. lying- thorough 10 steps would resolve this.

A) Going through the 12 steps as thoroughly as possible would be the shit.

2. Procrastination
A) not approaching woman/being social everywhere I go.

B) Not doing the things I want to avoid the most first thing in the day. For me it would be homework, phone calls to people in program, starting conversations with strangers and anything that is getting out of comfort zone activities.

I want power challenge: What is the most important long term goal you’d like to focus your energy on? What immediate “want” is most likely to distract you or tempt you away from your goal??

most important would be evolution. Growth.
Most likely to distract me/pull me off course is a girlfriend/or useing drugs again.
I'm trying to brain storm here and again the biggest thing I can do for growth is get honest. A lot of these things I have written are great behaviors I want to incorporate, but in the end I want to develop habits the mold a great character out of me. Like I said honesty is the hardest on and that is the main one I want to focus on.
There is some beliefs I really want to program in my head. Like, "I am enough as I am right now," "Happniess is doing the things I fear most constantly, always and all the time," "That I love the challenge." There is also places in my emotional life I want to develop. Like making discomfort my comfort zone. The latter is basically based on actions. The beliefs are a bit of action programming with other CBT skills.

1/2/15:
What worked today:
Affirmations multiple times a day, seem to really help. Especially about deserving, that I am enough, that I am a quality human being.

What did not work: I don’t know. I guess there were moments of procrastination, but for the most part I was in action most of the day and pretty damn productive.
If anything I think a 20minute nap might have helped, but I used that time to meditate and that seemed to grreatly help instead.

Also reviewing my year goals, 3x a day(when I wake up, middle of the day and before I go to bed) seem to help me get in touch with my , “Why”. And that really helps push me and give me energy.

I think the biggest thing I messed up on was start researching shit online a couple of times. I do it on the PC and on the cell phone instead of engaging people in converstions.

Also socializing at the grocery store is a big thing. I want to go attempt to pick up everywhere I go no matter how I feel.

1/3/15
Today was a grind. Everything was pretty smooth. Just a lot to do and now at the end of the day I am burned out. I just realized this next 3 months are gonna be insane. Lots of all nighters, lots of shit that will disrupt that wonderful habit cycle I have going on.

That being said, I guess the best game plan is do not deviate. If I am planning to work all night, and hoping to get 4 hrs asleep if I don’t do my habits, fuck it, get only 2 hrs of sleep,

Just do not deviate will be my moto.

I am also gonna use hydrafinil (and maybe in combo with adrafinil and caffine). Though now look in reflection I think 4 cups of coffee(because I don’t drink coffee) would probably do a better job.

8]Oh, I am taking a 3hr test on the 5th. Its a biggie. I gotta get an A on it. I am sorta doing some cramming as well. Its gonna be a balls to the wall gind fest like till march.

1/ 5/14
Crazy grind finally over. Haven’t completed the day as I would like.
I am slipping and want to re-double my efforts as of now.

I gonna finish the day off strong. Meditate, review some goals, visualize, 10th step, plan tomorrow(goals for tomorrow and create consequences for not doing them), stretching. some reading. btw, I got no sleep last night

Entry 12: Making this into a v-blog. This is starting to get intresting

Fri, 02 Jan 2015 09:26:00 +0000

There are activities that we all should and should not be engaging in.(my personality type is a goal, human potential perspective. This will not jive with the non-neurotics)

There are certain habits that we should and should not be par-taking in.
There are certain thoughts that we should and should not be par-taking in.
Certain foods that we should and should not be ingesting.
Certain moods that we should and should not be engaging.
certain behavior
certain stimulus(like telivsion is a not and some, not all, books are a should.

Anyway this far on my journey has taken me much deeper.

I am person that suffers from chronic depression. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been depressed my entire life and not know it because a low depressed state is what I considered to be the norm.

Anyway, there is quote from Joe Rogan that says, “at a certain point in our life, we have to take responsibility for our biology.”
I love that.

I loved that the first time I heard that, but I didn’t quite fully understand what it fully entailed.

At first I thought is just the food and substances in our body, but now I realize its also the thoughts I think. Those thoughts affects my emotions, which affect physiology, which is the world of biology then.

That being said, like in another entry, I was starting to see that developing habit patterns of positive empowering thinking could be 10x more beneficial that some of these simple action/behavioral habits I am trying to put into place.

Like I said, to understand the test subject(which is me) I will give you a little deeper understanding of me. I am a drug addict in recovery. I probably did a decent amount of brain damage to my brain as a youth from abusing every drug under the rainbow.

I have 2 years clean from any narcotics.
A little after getting 2 years I started using nootropics(let me say that in some recovery circles they would say I am not clean and sober anymore.)
That all said. I have a plethora of negative, self defeating core beliefs systems like, “I am not enough,” “if you go to really know me, you would reject me,” “I am not smart,” “I have no value to add except for my looks,” “I don’t deserve good things because X, Y Z,”

These are things that are running in the background of my mind. I also like to mention that obviously on a logical level I know these are not true, but these are core beleifs that I probably received at a very early age, that I have taken for fact for my entire life. They are also not easy to spot. You ask anyone that holds these type of core beleifs about this, they will tell you, not I don’t think that. That is just their ego responding. Know one wants to fully admit this to themselves. This is painful shit, but I’ve found with myself and people that I work with the best way to know what someone believes is look at their actions. A lot of our actions are unconscious results of our beliefs.
Looking at our actions gets us through the bullshit ego games and closets to the truth as possible. I am not going to get into detail about what actions to look for. That can be an entire post in itself, but private message me and I can help you out if you are interested.

ANYWAY…. These beliefs, these unconscious actions as a result of my beliefs are killers to my dreams, my soul and my life.

It’s very vivtim-ish. Victim of my emotions, of my feelings.

They probably also hurt other people, not to mention the economy and everything else around me.

I have no clue how to totally eradicate them. In some respects I don’t think it is possible to totally eradicate them entirely. I think it will take concentrated practice reframing when these feelings/thoughts/images come up, constantly setting my intent, reproving to my brain 10x as many examples why they are not true,

So what now……

Well its the first of the year.

Fuck resolutions, those getting broken quickly.

I think its time to make a video blog about this.
This will be a long and challenging journey.
Not to mention, I don’t spend much time typing these out and are probably of very little benefit to others.
I think my video blog entries of this journey will be much more beneficial to a wider range of audience.

I will also probably get a lot of productive feedback.

I’m still not sure how to go about this.

A lot of this is habit forming(original subject of this blog)
Different practices of different styles of meditation(concentrated as many stimulus at once, one simulis at a time, watching thoughts just flow like a river, not being attached to any, metta-meditation, visualizations)
Hypnosis
Affirmations,written
NLP style reframing
Journalling- I think for me, because I am starting to have experience with this will be extremely helpful. Especially once I use it to systematically break down my experience, see where I stop being present, I get caught up in a negative thought pattern/emotion, then re-try the experience, aware that will happen and prepared with proper mental tools to deal with the situation.)
Systematic desensitization.

RAS--

Priming my RAS, I have to do more research on this.

So this is getting very complicated at this point.

I'm not sure what type of system to put in place to go about this.

I guess since I make a list of things I was afraid of for that day, I should use that for the things I know I should put on my to do list for the next day.

In terms of habbit patterns of thought and emotions.

I probably should add in 5minute affirmations a day.
Add in 7 minutes of metta meditation.
And my systematic style of journaling.
I'd like to get re-framing techniques memorized. Probably should practice that 5 minutes a day in the car as well.

I am starting to fall asleep. Work on this tomorrow. This shit is exciting. Feel like progress. Now I need to take action

ENTRY 11: I NEEEED SLEEEP

Tue, 30 Dec 2014 07:09:00 +0000

WARNING: This is a major ramble. Nothing of quality. Move on if you value your time and brain.

today was a good day interms of following through with my new behavior/habits.

That being said, I don't know if its the lack of sleep or what but I feel soooooo burnt the fuck out tired. Like I am just fucking beat.

I'm hoping I get 9hrs or more of sleep tonight.

that would be the pimp shit.

I am getting a delta sleep peptide in the mail. Wish I had that on hand. That would be fun to experiment with right now.

I am consider get GH peptides for anti-aging and sleep properties.

well seee.

Entry 10: damn I almost gave up today. I DESERVE SLEEP!!!!!

Mon, 29 Dec 2014 11:17:00 +0000

I just finished doing a hr meditation(actually it was more like 30 minute meditation and then I fell asleep for 30minutes).
Anyway, when I woke up, I almost said fuck my habits, I am tired and want to go to sleep.

Now given that I am sleep deprived and need rest. That being said going the extra mile, especially when I am tired, like right now(its hard not to fall asleep while typing this) and doing this habitually when I get in this state will help put me ahead of the pack.

I was thinking of a quote from some person, He says, "what makes the great, great, is when they have nothing left in their tank, in their bank account, when they're tired, when they have no energy, is when they get started."

Any chump can go till he is tired, that's easy. It easy to do this shit when I feel good, but the difference that will make a difference is doing this habitual and automatically when I really don't feel like doing it, when I am tired, when I just don't want to.

Today review: today was harsh. Not much sleep and the world asked a lot of me.,

That being said I am very happy that I stayed up till 5am to get all my goals done last night and 4 am this night to get everything done.

BEAST MODE!!!!!

I'm just adding this extra in, I wrote the above an hour ago.

THere is a question I should ask myself, "DO i Deserve sleep tonight?"
When I am able to answer yes to that question, there is nothing better than that.
There is nothing better than the challenge of going past what was thought possible.
Nothing better than best your ass all day, giving, trying to be the best person you can be, working on self improvement and helping others till you have nothing left and still caring on.

This is gonna sound manic or crazy, but I think the truth is when one is willing to go to any lengths, GOD become on your side. I know sounds crazy, but go to anything for a cause, do it more than just a day or a week and see what happens. DON'T STOP!!!

entry 9 : I'm tried as shit, this is not workless, work

Sun, 28 Dec 2014 11:13:00 +0000

My posts are probably at best, a piece of shit.
By the time I am writing these I am so out of it, burnt out and tired.
All I want to do is go to bed.
I am sorta half-assing tonights entry.

This morning ritual was kinda shitty because I went to bed super late and had to be somewhere in the morning. Didn't get to do my morning ritual as I wished.

That being said rest of the day went pretty smooth.

On a Noot side note.

I did Ashwanga(spelling is fucked up). That shit for social anxiety is the shit. I hung around of people that scare me tonight and usually with this group of people I am SUPER quite and just observe them interacting. I get extremely interverred and self conscious that its hard to talk. (i have social anxiety, but its always the worst around this group of people by 10 times)

Anyway i was able to be free me. I was able to tell jokes and shoot the shit like a regular person. It was awsome. I also did some public speaking today and that went pretty well. I was fluid, not as articulate as I like, but it was sorta improv public speaking. I got the crowd laugh so I thought it was pretty good.

On that note I am ouut.

tomorrow will be somewhat of a rest, lazy day. Hopefully I can report a higher quality entry.