So, I’ve thought about how to go about describing this. Now, please don’t think for a minute that I don’t believe I have a great deal to learn from any one of you. I am open to adjusting or completely changing my opinions on this. Nor do I imagine that this is anything particularly new to you. Anyway, here’s what I think:
As a child, I was inordinately apprehensive about social situations. Particularly dinner parties where there was no escaping the immediate presence of adults - some of whom I did not know, all of whom I was intimidated by. (By the way, one interesting change I’ve noticed over the years is that when I was ten, I was espected to try to fit into the adult world; and I desperately wanted to; now, I watch my ten year old nieces and nephews, and it’s the exact opposite: the parents are trying to fit themselves into their worlds. Pathetic.)
So, a favorite uncle of mine once took me aside; and he said, “forget about yourself.” I had no idea what he was talking about and told him so. He said, “forget about yourself. The reason why you’re nervous and miserable at the dinner table is because you’re focusing on yourself.” Then came my almost unbelievable (to me now) reply: “what else should I focus on?” LOL. He laughed, and said: “focus on the people around you and trying to make them feel comfortable; on trying to make them feel intelligent and interesting.” I still wasn’t sure even what he meant. He went on to say more or less: “if you forget yourself by focusing on them, your nervousness will disappear and your misery will evaporate. You’ll feel more confident and happy.”
So, I’ll never forget when I first put this into practice; it was like a Copernican Revolution - I was at the periphery and other people were now at the center of my attention; it was like black magic - it really worked. I suddenly felt much happier, even joyous, and confident. I have never forgotten this lesson - one of the most important things I’ve ever learned - and to this day I absolutely love meeting new people, and can talk endlessly and freely from Presidents to janitors, and everyone in between.
Once you see this, the truth of this principle becomes blindingly obvious. Moreover, this same principle applies everywhere.
The problem, however, is this: “society” (a reified word if there ever was one, but I must use it here, lol) is continually shouting in a deafening chorus for you to do the exact opposite; self help books are the worst in this. If you are in any problem, whatever it is, the answer is always to focus on yourself: start a journal, do some “self-exploratory” (re: “masturbatory”) art; discover yourself through some “journey of the self” narrative, go on a “road trip” to be with and find yourself, etc. You probably know the drill. Or consider the nature of most therapy: most therapy is about focusing on yourself; and usually you get nowhere at best.
But here’s the rub: the secret to cultivating unhappiness & poor confidence is to ask yourself: “who am I?” “What should I do with my life?” Or to “try to enjoy yourself.” And to do so continuously if you want to be really miserable. In other words, “society” is continually attempting to tutor you into misery.
So, in short, paradoxically (and most truths are paradoxical), if you are going to find yourself you must forget yourself. Even if you are going to enjoy yourself, you must forget yourself:
“Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself.” ~G.K. Chesterton
Okay, so what then?
The secret to happiness & confidence is to forget yourself by absorbing yourself in the world. To me this means the pursuit of truth, beauty, and goodness (Aristotle's "trinity".) Each person can apprehend an aspect of reality that is uniquely disclosable to them; and this aspect is endless and profound, and endlessly and profoundly fascinating. And the more you are absorbed in this pursuit, the more you forget yourself, the happier you are - and, ironically, the more in touch you are with whom you really are.
The truth is, you already know what you are drawn towards and what to do; those questions swirling around your mind regarding “who am I?” are there to confuse and bewilder you into paralysis. We are chronically habituated to revert right back into the rut of self absorption; it’s far easier to slide back into the morass of "self" - even if it makes you miserable - than it is to focus on the world and people around you and planting thriving gardens wherever you go.
The other way people make themselves absolutely miserable is by confusing ends and means.
Anway, enough....LOL.
Cheers,