Hey LongeCity readers!
I would like to gain some new insight into my situation from people who can relate to my point of view and hopefully share something I can use or look into for the sake of making things a little more "acceptable" in my mundane life.
So I'm now in my 30's and I've had this "Anhedonia" type of "emptyness" in my life for a long time, only way to pass the time is to try to stay busy, try to get lost and "run" or "hide" by doing stuff like playing games or watching netflix and stuff like that which I get fed up of doing now and then because the cycle repeats, and I just know I'm often just again, running away from this "pointless" life. I'm all by myself and I prefer it that way, socializing doesn't work for me. I hold a job but it is a struggle because I never feel "fulfilled" no matter how good I may do, it's never enough - I also often times don't care if I do bad or if I get fired, it's all the same to me so I feel as though I may be living on "borrowed time". That's just how my life is, kind of as if I'm walking on a thin line. I've also gotten far in my life success-wise, to a point I didn't think i would get, once I got there, it no longer mattered, now I'm back to square one and have very little motivation to try to get to where I was (which happened by chance), because when I was there, it made no difference and I still wasn't satisfied - I actually didn't like it very much.
So, I go back to running / hiding while trying to remain "normal" with very little to look forward to other than retirement but I really can't be bothered with it or I would get depressed thinking about it because I'm not saving and that might also be a difficult time with all the "freedom" I would have at that point or health issues due to how little I take care of myself.
Anyway, here's what I'm trying to figure out and why I'm here. I've had sex a number of times with an attractive partner, she was beautiful but I never really managed to enjoy our time together. However, intimacy was "welcome" but not "fulfilling" to any extent, rather it was only comforting. With that said, intercourse was pointless, no different from how things are outside love making, just the same pointlessness and therefore I've slowly lost interest in even trying to engage in it. I never really enjoyed masturbating (I actually am somewhat completely numb to that), don't like pornography, never reached an orgasm, don't feel anything when I touch my genitals, etc. It's always been this way but it's gotten worse with time.
I went to a doctor who ran some tests with no problems who then sent me to a urologist, who also found no issues to this "problem" and that was that. For the Anhedonia, I went to a psychiatrist for a short while but was pointless as medications didn't help, I also tried something on the side when that didn't work, NSI-189, was on it for about a month but it didn't help (source was reliable).
So, what do you guys think about this situation I'm in... Could all of this be attributed to anhedonia or is it something else entirely? And is there something else you would suggest I do besides staying busy which I essentially achieve by running / hiding? I'm not sure where breaking this cycle of the same would get me to be honest, nor do I know where I'm going if I don't break it as it is rather exhausting and depressive.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
Edited by Patient11, 08 May 2018 - 06:28 AM.
