30 replies to this topic

[JackCole]

When I came into this relationship my wife had a daughter from an evil man who is in Prison. I raised her from the time she has 8 months old. She's not biologically mine, but I'm her father. Nobody except family knows I'm not the real father. I'm a very loving, caring father and I read and do all the daddy things. I pride my self on being a great father. A monkey can make babies - it takes a man to be a Father.

So my wife and I conceived a child and I was ecstatic...My name is Jack Kingdon Cole the III -- well, I just found out it's a girl.

I stormed out of the ultrasound room cursing and my left would not let me in the car and drove off. I had to take the Bus home. (In the south, public transportation is no fun)

We just got back from D.C. where I went to the Inauguration and The Official Youth Ball -- we had a blast - my Aunt and Uncle work for Homeland Security in Chester, Maryland so we had a place to stay. It worked out perfect and was a week of history and everybody in a great mood. Two Million People chanting "Yes We Can" and "Obama" - it was magical.

But - I wanted to have two kids. A boy and a girl. I knew coming into this marriage and legally adopting Caroline that there is only room for one more - I'm not going to keep "making babies" just to have a boy.

I just talked to a mentor of mine and he said I'm being a dick and I had no control over the sex of the baby - it was my sperm that decided the sex.

The baby is perfectly healthy and weighs 1.4ounces as of 22 weeks -

I've been so excited about having my 'own' child since we found out we were having a child. But I always said "I can feel HIM kicking.." We were going to call him "Jackson" even though his name would be mine plus IV.

I'm throwing a pity party because of a selfish reason and now... I'm just... depressed. I called off work, I took a few Valium, and turned on some stupid small claims judge show on TV. (Judge Judy is amazing though - her books are amazing) --

We just bought a house in Bradenton, FL - 5 minutes from the beach - 3/2.... There is no one left to carry the Cole name. My father died. My aunt had two daughters, my Uncle is gay.

Should not I be excited about the baby being perfectly healthy and becoming a 'real' father late May/early June - a Gemini. If it was a Boy it'd be JKCIV,a Gemini, just like me. Another reason I'm just.. blah.

Now I'm afraid there is going to be favoritism of my two daughters since one is biologically mine and the other is not biologically mine, but she is still MY DAUGHTER. I'm her DADDY. In fact, I'm about to take her to the park so she can play and I throw a pity party on a bench for an hour.

Any advice? Any kick in the ass?

[niner]

Well, Jack, you really really wanted a boy and you didn't get one, and now you feel like you let down your entire family tree. I'm not surprised you feel like shit. I'm not going to be one of the people who tells you you're a dick because you aren't ecstatic that you have a healthy little girl-to-be, because I don't think you are a dick. You are pretty normal, IMHO, albeit a bit hyper-emotional. There have probably been millions of Chinese dads who feel exactly like you do. The thing about not having more kids in order to have a boy might be open to some modification. What about adopting a boy? Also, in terms of your impact on the Earth, if that's what you're worried about, your first daughter shouldn't count in that calculation, if that's what you're doing. I can certainly understand only wanting two kids, although after I had two, there was a part of me that wanted another. I didn't because it was logistically difficult, but there's a lot to be said for larger families. A friend of mine was seriously depressed when she thought that she couldn't have another kid, after she already had two wonderful children. She wound up having one more by happenstance, after giving up on IVF.

You probably have some grieving to go through. I think in the long run you will probably be fine. Meanwhile, there's always counseling. I hope that you're soon feeling better.

[Shannon Vyff]

Jack, you can have more children.

Your wife ovulates only 3 days a month. She can only get pregnant in about a 5 day period. On the actual day of ovulation any sperm that gets there first will be a male sperm. If you have sex a few days before she ovulates, then there will be a female sperm waiting. Why? Because male sperm is thinner, more torpedo shaped than female sperm. The female sperm three times longer and more round, it lives longer and moves slower. You can use condoms up till the day of ovulation in order to get a boy. You need to start using condoms at least 5 days before so no female sperm are hanging around. (The converse is true if you want a girl, no condoms up till the day before ovulation--use the condom on the day of ovulation and a few days after).

How do you know when ovulation is? On average it is 11 days after the last day of menstruation, a woman gets a gelatinous mucous before ovulation (gels up in little balls) then the day of ovulation there is more fluid lubrication. A woman also is more interested in sex from the hormones usually. If you need help determining now you can buy kits at the store to track when ovulation occurs.

Also keep in mind that the boy sperm die off quicker in you than the female sperm do, (because they are smaller and more susceptible to toxins et. al) this is why rock stars, air-line pilots and anesthetists tend to have female children. Smoking also can kill off male sperm, as can hot baths or a sauna.

Here is a quick overview: http://www.medicinen...rticlekey=52103

There is a ton of info on the net, and books that are available. I choose the sex of each of my three children and practised the above method to do it, it generally in tests though has only an 85% accuracy. I think if you are careful you can do it, but also there are newer techniques you can employ such as sorting through your sperm and using only males to make embryos then do IVF.

So, get some roses for your wife-let her know how much you love her! Plan on having a son too, still

[4eva]

This may be another reason not to find out the sex during the ultrasound.

If you had waited until delivery your disappointment might have been overshadowed by your excitement of seeing your beautiful, healthy baby girl for the first time.

I think the overall excitement of the birth can be lessened by knowing the sex. Of course it makes shopping and preparing for the new baby a little easier.

You set yourself up for disappointment by assuming it was going to be a boy.

You have this time to mentally prepare yourself for the reality that you're not going to have a boy.

[eternaltraveler]

umm, go buy your wife lots of flowers before she dumps you.

[JackCole]

Yes, but I want a son one day - but I want to make sure I can provide for them the best I can - give them the best care - 3 children at this stage of life is is a no-go. Another child is going to cost a lot of money - 3 even more! So having a son is going to have to wait until I get a better career and a bigger house.


I wanted a boy damn it. Jack Kingdon Cole the IV!

Jack, you can have more children.

Your wife ovulates only 3 days a month. She can only get pregnant in about a 5 day period. On the actual day of ovulation any sperm that gets there first will be a male sperm. If you have sex a few days before she ovulates, then there will be a female sperm waiting. Why? Because male sperm is thinner, more torpedo shaped than female sperm. The female sperm three times longer and more round, it lives longer and moves slower. You can use condoms up till the day of ovulation in order to get a boy. You need to start using condoms at least 5 days before so no female sperm are hanging around. (The converse is true if you want a girl, no condoms up till the day before ovulation--use the condom on the day of ovulation and a few days after).

How do you know when ovulation is? On average it is 11 days after the last day of menstruation, a woman gets a gelatinous mucous before ovulation (gels up in little balls) then the day of ovulation there is more fluid lubrication. A woman also is more interested in sex from the hormones usually. If you need help determining now you can buy kits at the store to track when ovulation occurs.

Also keep in mind that the boy sperm die off quicker in you than the female sperm do, (because they are smaller and more susceptible to toxins et. al) this is why rock stars, air-line pilots and anesthetists tend to have female children. Smoking also can kill off male sperm, as can hot baths or a sauna.

Here is a quick overview: http://www.medicinen...rticlekey=52103

There is a ton of info on the net, and books that are available. I choose the sex of each of my three children and practised the above method to do it, it generally in tests though has only an 85% accuracy. I think if you are careful you can do it, but also there are newer techniques you can employ such as sorting through your sperm and using only males to make embryos then do IVF.

So, get some roses for your wife-let her know how much you love her! Plan on having a son too, still

[Shepard]

I have no experience with kids or even the idea of having kids, so I won't comment on that.

But would you be comfortable with them reading that when they're older? Or your wife reading that?

[Wandering Jew]

Your family name won't die. Lots of Coles out there. When you live longer w/ more resource, maybe you can choose to have a boy. you plan on living a long time right, imminster?

[JackCole]

Of course I plan to live a long life. But I plan to stay married to my wife for a long time. (Call me old fashioned) but you get married then have a baby.

There are so many 'ifs' - I have to put my faith in myself, a higher power, or something - so I become more successful and am able to provide for 3 children, not two. With the same woman. I'm still upset and yes, my wife read this - and in fact we argued for hours yesterday over my idiot and dick-head comments.

Yes, but my lineage will die. Every male Cole since coming to America has fought in a war. Lorenzo Dow Cole fought for the Confederacy as the 2nd Alabama Reserve. My granddad was a POW in Germany flying a 'flying fortress' and was the only one to survive. My dad was in the Air force in Vietnam. Lorenzo Dow Cole That's my G-G-Grandfather. My G-G-G-Grand father was Newton Dow Cole and fought with Teddy in the Spanish American. I can go on and on. My lineage, the Jack Kingdon Cole III -- will end if I do not have a boy that can produce.. well, a boy.

Your family name won't die. Lots of Coles out there. When you live longer w/ more resource, maybe you can choose to have a boy. you plan on living a long time right, imminster?

Edited by JackCole, 27 January 2009 - 04:57 PM.

[Ben]

I think you're taking a very ego centric view of this situation. Did you really want to create a human simply to carry on your "lineage"?

[eternaltraveler]

you are acting like an idiot.

Get over it and support your family.

There is no intrinsic reason your little girl can't carry on your family name if that somehow means something (and even if it did, it won't anymore, she will live to see the day indefinite lifespan becomes a reality, whether or not you and I do).

[Shannon Vyff]

Vyff is my father's name, I've always kept it because I like it and it is quite unique. Really, though--children do not have to cost much money, breastfeeding for instance saves thousands in the first few years, babies need love. I hope you've made up to your wife, I kinda figured you'd have to beg her to take you back at this point, she must be very hurt. Do you all celebrate Valentines? You need to plan something quite spectacular for a show of love and support I think.

[niner]

Yes, but my lineage will die. Every male Cole since coming to America has fought in a war. Lorenzo Dow Cole fought for the Confederacy as the 2nd Alabama Reserve. My granddad was a POW in Germany flying a 'flying fortress' and was the only one to survive. My dad was in the Air force in Vietnam. Lorenzo Dow Cole That's my G-G-Grandfather. My G-G-G-Grand father was Newton Dow Cole and fought with Teddy in the Spanish American. I can go on and on. My lineage, the Jack Kingdon Cole III -- will end if I do not have a boy that can produce.. well, a boy.

Well now it's getting wiggy. You're not planning on us having a war every 20 years so that you can keep up this record, do you? You know, your genetic lineage doesn't end if you have a girl. Due to our cultural practices, your last name may or may not carry on. Your daughter might have a son, and she could name him Jack. He could become a mercenary and probably find a war somewhere. Maybe the Congo. Or does it need to be an American war?

[Neurosail]

I suggest: (wife's name) Jacqueline Cole or Jacqueline (wife's name) Cole

My grandfather had the same problem. He was named after Andrew Jackson. Jack met grandma, Carrie, and they had two daughters.
The first daughter was named Mary after my great-grandmother Mary Jane Tennessee Bourland and the second daughter they named Icie Jacqueline (my mom).

[.fonclea.]

Even married i will keep my family name, i like it...

Who says women must systematicaly lose their last name ?
There is also sometimes more impotant things than that, i think the most impotant is beeing pride of your child for what he does.
It could be a boy, he could also gives you good reasons to be ashame of him.

Don't forget how fragile women are when they are pregnent.

[Shannon Vyff]

Another woman who wants to keep her birth name!

But yes, the emotions are very high when pregnant-- Mr. Cole hasn't been back here in a few days, I'm hoping he is very sincerely, deeply making up to his wife.

Also a good point, male or female a child can disappoint you or make you proud. You could have a boy and a girl and the boy ends up with major problems in life...

[eternaltraveler]

Mr. Cole hasn't been back here in a few days, I'm hoping he is very sincerely, deeply making up to his wife.

probably because he doesn't have internet access out in the street where his wife has kicked him

[Heliotrope]

Mr. Cole hasn't been back here in a few days, I'm hoping he is very sincerely, deeply making up to his wife.

probably because he doesn't have internet access out in the street where his wife has kicked him

Mrs. Cole, please take pity in JackCole, and take him back. He's a good man and he regretted. I'm sure there'll be love

[lunarsolarpower]

Mr. Cole hasn't been back here in a few days, I'm hoping he is very sincerely, deeply making up to his wife.

probably because he doesn't have internet access out in the street where his wife has kicked him

Mrs. Cole, please take pity in JackCole, and take him back. He's a good man and he regretted. I'm sure there'll be love

I think he should spend at least a full week in the doghouse for this one. If gender selection was such a huge deal for him he should have taken the necessary steps to get his desired result. This after the fact whining is pathetic. Contribute something of value to the world if you're concerned about your legacy Jack. As you said "A monkey can make babies - it takes a man to be a Father."

[Shannon Vyff]

Elrond too funny, that is what my husband said

[cyborgdreamer]

The important thing to remember is that, unfortunately, we can't completely control our emotions. The more you try and force yourself not to be disappointed, the more it will strain your relationship with your wife and future child. However, if you let yourself feel your feelings, the disappointment will probably fade once your baby is born and you get to know her.

On the other hand, we do control our actions. I think you know that running out swearing in the middle of your wife's ultrasound was pretty insensitive, to put it mildly. You need to find more supportive ways to express your feelings, especially when your wife is pregnant.

[JackCole]

Everything is fine and we're moving next month to another city in Florida 5 minutes from the beach

I more than did enough to make it up to her and we are back to smooth. If anything she said "I could call you every name in the book but I'll always be able to say you're a good father" and that's just to Caroline. I'm a great father. Just, emotions got the best of me. Ego run riot.

Yes, I got us tickets for a cruise for Valentines or whenever she wants to use it - and flowers.

The baby is will be named June Susan Cole - (JC) same initials as me and a Gemini like her daddy.

and yes, I was practicing techniques for it to be a boy. I'm not an idiot. Google is my best friend.

Thanks everyone.

The important thing to remember is that, unfortunately, we can't completely control our emotions. The more you try and force yourself not to be disappointed, the more it will strain your relationship with your wife and future child. However, if you let yourself feel your feelings, the disappointment will probably fade once your baby is born and you get to know her.

On the other hand, we do control our actions. I think you know that running out swearing in the middle of your wife's ultrasound was pretty insensitive, to put it mildly. You need to find more supportive ways to express your feelings, especially when your wife is pregnant.

[luminous]

Glad everything is okay. I tend to think that it's almost best NOT to try to find out the gender from an ultrasound when you have a definite preference. You haven't even seen your baby--all you know at this point is that it's "a girl".

I kind of wanted a girl for our first child--and then we had a boy. The boy turned out so wonderful, that when it came time for the second child, I thought I wanted another boy! Well, guess what? Our second child was a girl. Both stole my heart the minute I saw them for the first time.

And you know, both kids are simply amazing people. Most good parents feel the same way about their kids, and I don't think it matters one bit if they have girls, boys or both.

[Ben]

The important thing to remember is that, unfortunately, we can't completely control our emotions.

Correction: We can control our emotions. Animals can't.

The more discretion you exercise over your emotions the less animalistic you are.


Edit: Oops, thought this was in free speech. Swore at the poster a bit.

Edited by Ben - Aus, 05 February 2009 - 02:59 AM.

[DavidCookFan]

There is a big difference in being disappointed and being a total Jerk. I think you may want to consider taking some anger management classes and parenting classes. Your wife might want to go to counseling to examine why she has a tendency to choose hostile men. Please get it together before this innocent, precious baby is brought into this world.

[Jami]

Well I think that's two of us in the same family that have both ran out of the family name.............My dad's side is out too... having two girls - thats what happens. I thought about keeping dad's name so I could pass it along but over the last two years, I've changed my mind...

June Susan Cole??? Really?? I'm so happy right now I could cry!!

Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you.. please call me - email me - something!

Love Always,

Your big cousin
Jami

[Ghostrider]

I don't really understand why people are so interested in having a baby made of their own genetic code. I look in the mirror and I don't see a supermodel. I take an IQ test and I am not Einstein. I don't have a good jump shot. I am below average height and weight, quite skinny. All I can say is that I try hard at life. That work ethic did not come from my father or mother's genetics. It was purely due to my environment. So what is there that is so valuable in my genetics to pass on? Now, if I could genetically engineer my children, well, that's a whole different story. I would pay good money to ensure that they would have a genetic advantage over everyone else, but I would only do that to promote the child's opportunity and not to feel any false pride in ownership.

[Ben]

I don't really understand why people are so interested in having a baby made of their own genetic code. I look in the mirror and I don't see a supermodel. I take an IQ test and I am not Einstein. I don't have a good jump shot. I am below average height and weight, quite skinny. All I can say is that I try hard at life. That work ethic did not come from my father or mother's genetics. It was purely due to my environment. So what is there that is so valuable in my genetics to pass on? Now, if I could genetically engineer my children, well, that's a whole different story. I would pay good money to ensure that they would have a genetic advantage over everyone else, but I would only do that to promote the child's opportunity and not to feel any false pride in ownership.

What if you are genetically gifted though? I think that everyone believes themselves to be though, and that everyone believes they have a right to contribute to the genetic collection of the next generation.

Gattaca was good movie in that it showed how in certain situations the very genetically gifted are at a disadvantage and drew the corny, though interesting, conclusion that there is no genetic code for the human spirit.

[JackCole]

Jami! Is that you? My REAL cousin I haven't seen in a decade?!

My daughter was born May 21st healthy as can be! My wife took tons of Omega 3s and 6s and Revestrol - baby is already opening eyes and happy healthy

How the hell did you find this Jami? Is that really you? I don't have your number.. this is crazy -

wait? How do I know your really you? What country is your stepfather from? You didn't leave me a callback number!

this is crazy!

[JackCole]

Jami! Is that you? My REAL cousin I haven't seen in a decade?!

My daughter was born May 21st healthy as can be! My wife took tons of Omega 3s and 6s and Revestrol - baby is already opening eyes and happy healthy

How the hell did you find this Jami? Is that really you? I don't have your number.. this is crazy -

wait? How do I know your really you? What country is your stepfather from? You didn't leave me a callback number!

this is crazy!

http://img33.imagesh...ackandjunex.jpg

Look at that precious little baby. How can not love it? She's a trooper. 5 minutes old in that picture and already throwing right jabs. Yay for Omega 3's and 6's!

Baby June made it to gemini by ONE DAY! Some places say the 19th - some say 20th - She was born on the 21st! I couldn't believe it.

She's amazing
Baby June! Well - after being a Field Organizer for Obama for Campaign For Change I'm now a Financial Advisor for Edward Jones.

Life has been crazy but I just saw thefirstimmortal passed away... I was really sad by that. I followed that for a long time. Talking on the phone too..

Sigh. Baby June!

Edited by JackCole, 27 May 2009 - 11:38 PM.