After taking it for the past 3 days, I am really confused by the many, many glowing reviews of Modafinil. As an academic book editor, I purchased it to help me get through the grunt work of footnotes, indexing etc which requires a narrow focus for extended periods while fighting back boredom. I thought Modafinil would be just the thing. Took 200mg when it arrived, around 3pm, which in hindsight was a bad idea, but I didn't feel any different. I couldn't eat dinner, and then after doing chores, putting the kids to bed etc I thought I'd get some work done. Started by checking emails first, and that was when the trouble began. I responded to a group school email from my son's teacher with an insanely long and inappropriate manifesto about education and my expectations of the school, hopes for my son, blah blah blah, cc the Principal. At the time I was writing I felt a kind of mental clarity but also a little bit of buzzy/high sensation (an arrogance?) of thought. I could drill down into ideas I was attracted to and articulate them clearly, but my sense of what is appropriate was lost somewhere. Why can't somebody please come up with a "delete sent email" function!?
I sent another couple of long emails to colleagues, nothing too bad, then got caught up doing something on the internet. I then realised it was after midnight and I thought the clock must be broken. It appeared that around 3 hours had gone by in about 5 mins. But I couldn't really remember what I had been doing. Went to bed and lay there all night. Awake, watching the clock, feeling my heart race, until dawn. I had to get up at 6 and make the breakfasts/lunches, do school run and go to work, so what options do I have? Take another Moda, of course. After dropping kids at school, I decided to walk to work (late? who cares), and had a wonderful walk, my mind in a wonderful place of exploration and possibility. I have an interest in history, so I was kind of imagining the city evolving since settlement and how awesome it is that all the decisions made by people in the past affect the way we live today, how certain past events may have turned out differently, and that we may be living quite differently today. It was a cool Autumn morning on Sydney Harbour and I was feeling very lucky to be alive, and right there at that time.
Got to the office and my great mood was immediately replaced by a sense of dread, and I knew I couldn't stay there. I tried. I looked at the index and could barely remember the alphabet. My brain was off, running free somewhere else and I didn't know how to put it back on a leash. It just felt too good to think. It was like I had been allowed into a world of ideas and, like a greedy kid being let into a lolly shop, I just wanted to sample them all, "oh - but there are too many, I can't possibly get to them all but don't know which one to choose". Gah! Then I felt an overwhelming urge to talk. I knew I was rambling but I couldn't help myself. My words were running together and I was talking over people. I was being loud and obnoxious and I didn't care. I felt anxious that the conversation would end. I could sense my colleague trying to wind up the conversation and get back to work but I was deliberately ignoring these social cues to continue talking about food security, or whatever one way conversation I was having that had nothing to do with work. This is SO unlike me. While I am usually pleasant and friendly at work, I am generally quiet and involved in my own tasks.
I was overcome by a complete crash around lunch time. Suddenly I felt horrendous. I couldn't eat, was having aching pains, all the while I am sucking my mouth like crazy every since taking the first pill and the insides of my cheeks and tongue are very painful. Ordered a strong coffee but couldn't drink more than half. You know where this is going don't you? I had to be able to function for my kids so inevitably, I took a taxi home (I was so tired I couldn't even walk to the bus stop) I tried to have a nap but I knew sleep was still not going to happen. I decided that I would have to take more, so it would be better to do it sooner rather than later, I took half at around 2pm and by 3pm I still felt like shit but knew I need to go and buy food for dinner, and be alert to cook etc, so I took the other half. Evening went fine but I was feeling racy and worried I wouldn't sleep so decided to have some wine. Oh, the wine was wonderful! I can't remember anything after that. When I woke up the next morning I found 2 empty wine bottles! I had put the kids to be in their pajamas etc but have no recollection of doing so. Going through my mobile phone calls list (torture), I discovered that I had called one friend 5 times! She said I kept calling and forgetting that we had just spoken, so called again! She was really worried about me.
Yesterday (Friday) I was 'working' from home (getting nothing done), unable to get out of the intense 'brain fog', but my ex-husband is picking up the kids and taking them for the weekend so I have no responsibilities. I am due to meet a friend for drinks and dinner. She is out from the UK and this is the only time we can find that is convenient for both of us so I really don't want to cancel. Firstly, I really want to see her, she is such fun, and also I don't want to be rude and let her down, or turn up feeling so tired and grumpy that I am rotten company. So, using the same logic, I come to the conclusion that yes, I am going to take another pill to perk me up, so with that decision made, I then thought, sooner rather than later or I'll be up all night. So I took one pill around 3pm. I called the school principal to continue our 'conversation' about the education of my children, and can barely remember the evening. I don't know why but I took another pill at around 6 I think. We went to dinner, I ordered soup and said I just want to smell it, and sat there with it in front of me inhaling the aroma in an exaggerated way. I was behaving like a fucking idiot! She asked me if I was on drugs, but I said "if I'm acting weird it's pms". Yeah right.
I woke up this morning in my clothes, including high heel shoes, see blood on my pillow and freak out. Turns out I've had a nose bleed. My mouth, nose and lips are intensely dry and the constant sucking has left white blisters inside my lips and cheeks, and deep ridges in my tongue that look like bruising. At first I think my lips are bleeding but I think that's just red wine stains in the cracks. I have no idea how I got home, don't remember anything except a few flashes. I feel like I've just come out of a 3 day drug bender. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour. What started out as a desire to be more productive, has left a trail of destruction in it's wake. I have insulted both my son's teacher and the Principal, possibly lost a friendship, and failed to complete my work. In fact the little I did do will have to be redone, and I am left to face the author on Monday to explain why the book is not going to meet production schedule.
Obviously, in hindsight, I should not have taken the first 200mg pill on the first afternoon. It created a cycle that I couldn't get out of. So, my advice to anyone thinking of taking it would be to please, start at a much smaller dose.
