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Help me determine what this mental condition is please!

mental health

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#1 andcrew

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  • 8 posts
  • 2
  • Location:Bulgaria

Posted 30 December 2016 - 02:02 PM


Hello everyone. I am suffering from something very strange which I don't really understand. I will be very grateful if you can help me determine what is wrong with me, if you have experienced this condition and how can I recover from it. I will share my story and my current symptoms. Thanks in advance!

 

My story:

In May 2016 after a tough split up with my ex-girlfriend I was very sad and was thinking about her all day every day. With this on my mind I made a decision that I will not think about her and take control over my thoughts. This led me to start doing meditation. I did 30min a day of meditation just to quiet my mind and block incoming thoughts. Later on I would start doing visualization exercises – imagining stuff and planning the future. I was constantly looking to block all incoming thoughts about her just so that I don’t feel bad. After doing 1 month of meditation I was still feeling normal, nothing really seems to have changed. I was still thinking about here every day and that made me sad. Then one day in the end of June I found the book The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I read the book for 3 days, reaching the middle of the book where something happened. I was really believing in what I was reading and was pondering on every piece of information there – that I am not my mind, I don’t need an ego, I have to live in the present etc. Then on the 3rd day of reading I felt suddenly very scared and anxious. I felt something was changing within me. I got scared and went out with a friend of mine. While we were out I suddenly got a strong headache in the back of my head and felt that I was going to faint and die. After this happened the whole world felt unreal – a very strong derealisation. This is where all changed for me. After this happened I couldn’t sleep for days, I couldn’t think about anything, couldn’t focus at all, could not meditate, basically I thought I was going crazy and felt suicidal. I couldn’t follow conversations as well like I wasn’t receiving the information from anything. With this happening I forgot my ex-girlfriend – as I said I was thinking about her every day all day and after this change I wasn’t thinking at all about her like I couldn’t connect to this pattern of thinking and it didn’t bother me anymore. By that time I was in the UK but when my mother listened to what happened to me she insisted that I return home to Bulgaria. When I returned I was sent to a mental ward because of my symptoms and they diagnosed me with Psychosis, which I don’t believe I had. I stayed for 2 weeks in there and was put on anti-psychotics ( Olanzapine). For about 1 month I was unable to do anything at all – neither watch TV or follow conversations like I didn’t have a mind to process anything – it was really terrible. This is the beginning of my story and I want to share how I have been feeling for the past 5 months after leaving the mental ward.

Current Symptoms:

-        Unability to visualise anything with my mind. I can barely see stuff in my Mind’s eye and when I do it is for a moment and they are very dark and distant, whereas before I could picture a lot of stuff in my head without a problem and hold on to the images and scenes I was creating.

-        Can’t track time. Have a feeling that it is going too quick. Feeling timeless. Stuck in 1 moment.

-        Mind is empty – no thinking about future, past or anything. When I do think I can barely hear my thoughts. They seem as they are not mine and are very distant and can’t even distract me.

-        Absolutely no retention of new information – I can read something whole day and won’t be able to recall the information I have read about. It feels like at the moment of reading I am understanding what is said but afterwards the information doesn’t end up anywhere and can only think about it when I am directly asked a question about the information, otherwise I won’t be able to recall it.

-        I can’t get into doing anything because I don’t see a point in doing anything. It is like I can’t imagine why would I do a certain thing and how it can benefit me. It is like I don’t have the ability to see a point in doing something.

-        Disconnected from memories – they seem very distant, even yesterday seems very distant. I can’t relate to my memories like they happened to somebody else.

-        No inner dialogue – nothing to stimulate me to do anything with my life. Nothing to tell me ‘get up you have to do that’ or ‘get on with your life’ etc. I can stay whole day and do nothing and won’t have anything in my head to tell me what I am doing is wrong, whereas before that if I am lazy for an hour my inner voice will tell me to get up and start making something with my life. It is gone now.

-        Not feeling any emotions – I don’t feel anger, anxiety, sadness, happiness, excitement all of them. I try even provoking them but it doesn’t work, like they don’t exist. I was having an anxiety disorder before this but after what happened it seems like I don’t even know what anxiety is. Like I can’t understand it.

-        Feeling like an observer – when I watch TV or listen to music for example I can’t get my mind into it. Like you know when you are listening to music and you are focused you start daydreaming and creating stuff in your mind connected to the music or have emotions. In my case it feels like I am just observing the music. I know the song which is played but that is all, can’t get my mind into it.

-        Nothing to speak about when I am with friends or family. I used to speak a lot before, always has a topic to share or discuss whereas now it seems like I have nothing in my mind to share, even if something comes in my head and I share it I don’t feel anything towards it. Like it doesn’t bring any pleasure communicating and I can’t make sense of it.

-        All of my dreams and ambitions has suddenly vanished and don’t make sense to me. Like I can’t imagine why I would want anything in the first place. Like there is nothing to be wanted from life. Can’t see any positives or negatives.

-        Feels like I don’t exist – When I try speaking to myself in my head it seems like it doesn’t resonate anywhere or have any effect. It is like I am talking to nothing if that makes sense. I used talk a lot to myself for motivation but now it doesn’t make sense. Like there is nothing there to motivate or a person that I am talking to. This is very hard for me to explain, hope it made sense.

-        Can’t connect to the people around me – it feels like I can’t make any connection or understand the people around me. Like nothing interests me or I don’t care about a thing in the world.

-        Feels like my mind can’t be provoked by anything. I have a feeling that even if a bomb drops within 1km of me I won’t care, like it won’t make any impression on my mind or said in other words it is like I am not understanding or making sense of the stuff around me.

-        Slight derealisation – seeing object a little bit blurred

-        Feeling like I am in a dream and don’t experience anything of what is happening.

-        Nothing makes sense around me – I don’t understand why people would work or make money or follow dreams, it feels like I can’t grasp these things with my mind, like they don’t exist – very hard to understand for me.

-        Very bad short term and long term memory. Would also wonder if I have done something or not.

-        Feels like my mind is restarting every minute. If I lose track of my thought process after 1 minute it seems like it never occurred I can’t recall it

-        Very hard to use my knowledge – seems like everything I have known is locked away somewhere and I can’t access it. Feeling very dumb.

-        I can’t think properly – very hard to get any information from my head and when I want to do it hurts my head.My story:

In May 2016 after a tough split up with my ex-girlfriend I was very sad and was thinking about her all day every day. With this on my mind I made a decision that I will not think about her and take control over my thoughts. This led me to start doing meditation. I did 30min a day of meditation just to quiet my mind and block incoming thoughts. Later on I would start doing visualization exercises – imagining stuff and planning the future. I was constantly looking to block all incoming thoughts about her just so that I don’t feel bad. After doing 1 month of meditation I was still feeling normal, nothing really seems to have changed. I was still thinking about here every day and that made me sad. Then one day in the end of June I found the book The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I read the book for 3 days, reaching the middle of the book where something happened. I was really believing in what I was reading and was pondering on every piece of information there – that I am not my mind, I don’t need an ego, I have to live in the present etc. Then on the 3rd day of reading I felt suddenly very scared and anxious. I felt something was changing within me. I got scared and went out with a friend of mine. While we were out I suddenly got a strong headache in the back of my head and felt that I was going to faint and die. After this happened the whole world felt unreal – a very strong derealisation. This is where all changed for me. After this happened I couldn’t sleep for days, I couldn’t think about anything, couldn’t focus at all, could not meditate, basically I thought I was going crazy and felt suicidal. I couldn’t follow conversations as well like I wasn’t receiving the information from anything. With this happening I forgot my ex-girlfriend – as I said I was thinking about her every day all day and after this change I wasn’t thinking at all about her like I couldn’t connect to this pattern of thinking and it didn’t bother me anymore. By that time I was in the UK but when my mother listened to what happened to me she insisted that I return home to Bulgaria. When I returned I was sent to a mental ward because of my symptoms and they diagnosed me with Psychosis, which I don’t believe I had. I stayed for 2 weeks in there and was put on anti-psychotics ( Olanzapine). For about 1 month I was unable to do anything at all – neither watch TV or follow conversations like I didn’t have a mind to process anything – it was really terrible. This is the beginning of my story and I want to share how I have been feeling for the past 5 months after leaving the mental ward.

Current Symptoms:

-        Unability to visualise anything with my mind. I can barely see stuff in my Mind’s eye and when I do it is for a moment and they are very dark and distant, whereas before I could picture a lot of stuff in my head without a problem and hold on to the images and scenes I was creating.

-        Can’t track time. Have a feeling that it is going too quick. Feeling timeless. Stuck in 1 moment.

-        Mind is empty – no thinking about future, past or anything. When I do think I can barely hear my thoughts. They seem as they are not mine and are very distant and can’t even distract me.

-        Absolutely no retention of new information – I can read something whole day and won’t be able to recall the information I have read about. It feels like at the moment of reading I am understanding what is said but afterwards the information doesn’t end up anywhere and can only think about it when I am directly asked a question about the information, otherwise I won’t be able to recall it.

-        I can’t get into doing anything because I don’t see a point in doing anything. It is like I can’t imagine why would I do a certain thing and how it can benefit me. It is like I don’t have the ability to see a point in doing something.

-        Disconnected from memories – they seem very distant, even yesterday seems very distant. I can’t relate to my memories like they happened to somebody else.

-        No inner dialogue – nothing to stimulate me to do anything with my life. Nothing to tell me ‘get up you have to do that’ or ‘get on with your life’ etc. I can stay whole day and do nothing and won’t have anything in my head to tell me what I am doing is wrong, whereas before that if I am lazy for an hour my inner voice will tell me to get up and start making something with my life. It is gone now.

-        Not feeling any emotions – I don’t feel anger, anxiety, sadness, happiness, excitement all of them. I try even provoking them but it doesn’t work, like they don’t exist. I was having an anxiety disorder before this but after what happened it seems like I don’t even know what anxiety is. Like I can’t understand it.

-        Feeling like an observer – when I watch TV or listen to music for example I can’t get my mind into it. Like you know when you are listening to music and you are focused you start daydreaming and creating stuff in your mind connected to the music or have emotions. In my case it feels like I am just observing the music. I know the song which is played but that is all, can’t get my mind into it.

-        Nothing to speak about when I am with friends or family. I used to speak a lot before, always has a topic to share or discuss whereas now it seems like I have nothing in my mind to share, even if something comes in my head and I share it I don’t feel anything towards it. Like it doesn’t bring any pleasure communicating and I can’t make sense of it.

-        All of my dreams and ambitions has suddenly vanished and don’t make sense to me. Like I can’t imagine why I would want anything in the first place. Like there is nothing to be wanted from life. Can’t see any positives or negatives.

-        Feels like I don’t exist – When I try speaking to myself in my head it seems like it doesn’t resonate anywhere or have any effect. It is like I am talking to nothing if that makes sense. I used talk a lot to myself for motivation but now it doesn’t make sense. Like there is nothing there to motivate or a person that I am talking to. This is very hard for me to explain, hope it made sense.

-        Can’t connect to the people around me – it feels like I can’t make any connection or understand the people around me. Like nothing interests me or I don’t care about a thing in the world.

-        Feels like my mind can’t be provoked by anything. I have a feeling that even if a bomb drops within 1km of me I won’t care, like it won’t make any impression on my mind or said in other words it is like I am not understanding or making sense of the stuff around me.

-        Slight derealisation – seeing object a little bit blurred

-        Feeling like I am in a dream and don’t experience anything of what is happening.

-        Nothing makes sense around me – I don’t understand why people would work or make money or follow dreams, it feels like I can’t grasp these things with my mind, like they don’t exist – very hard to understand for me.

-        Very bad short term and long term memory. Would also wonder if I have done something or not.

-        Feels like my mind is restarting every minute. If I lose track of my thought process after 1 minute it seems like it never occurred I can’t recall it

-        Very hard to use my knowledge – seems like everything I have known is locked away somewhere and I can’t access it. Feeling very dumb.

-        I can’t think properly – very hard to get any information from my head and when I want to do it hurts my head.







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