Symptoms: Major depression, Anxiety, OCD, Extreme fatigue, Horrible memory
Medicines I take now: 0.25-0.5 mg xanax for GAD and OCD, 50 mg Dexedrine for ADD-PI and chronic fatigue, recently started on 168 mg lithionit (lithiumsulfate), and 25-50 mg seroquel + 1,25-2,5 mg olanzapine for sleep and to reduce side effects from dexedrine.
Effects of R-ketamine: Highly anxiolytic reduces OCD. Fluidity of thoughts, something that I have never experienced before. Easier to remember movie lines. Easier to multitask. learn piano-pieces faster, coordination is much better, learning dance routines much easier. I just feel very free and not so in my head. Memory is enhanced to the point where I actually start noticing and remembering what people were wearing in movies and in real life. It’s somehow helping my working memory so I can process multiple bits of information at the same time. Alleviates my CFS-symptoms and a lot of my ADD-PI symptoms too. I could reduce my medicines with almost no side-effects. I would go days without benzo and not feel withdrawals. I’ve been taking xanax for 2 years now.
My OCD: I don’t have an OCD-diagnosis but I seem to have strong OCD-tendencies with excessive rumination leading virtually nowhere, it’s just these negative demeaning thought loops that will popup randomly causing me to almost freeze in anxiety. I can sometimes have this intense fear of being ridiculed of or that i’m being judged by how I behave in a certain situation causing me to have a lot of anxiety for that situation so much that I start avoiding that situation. It could even be a person. Looking back on my life i’ve always had slight obsessive tendencies like being fascinated by sharks for a period of time, or airplanes, later on space etc. I brought this up with my psychologist during my neuropsychiatric investigation, asking her if I might be on the autism spectrum and although she admitted that could put me there, she said my ”emotional contact” and overall manner of being did not correspond with an autism-diagnosis. She did however diagnose me with ADD-PI, GAD and PTSD
My ADD-PI / SCT / CFS / Something? :
Inattentivess, brain fog, lack of energy, slow-thinking, slow-information processing, bad memory. All these symptoms I feel are more related to some form of Sluggish cognitive tempo or Chronic fatigue symptom. Can’t keep up in conversations (this is exacerbated by anxiety) but even when i’m watching movies at home by myself I seem to have a really hard time following the plot line. And it’s become worse over time. I also have really hard time with remembering routes. Like when I was walking with my friend to a place in the city, leaving the subway we had to walk for like 15 min to get to a place and we stayed in that place for 1 hour then I was totally dependent on my friend to find the place back to the subway.
I have general weakness on the left side of my body, which was notated by a neurologist three years ago. My left shoulder is slightly lower than my right. I have a numb area on my left shoulder, which I’ve had for atleast 5 years. I have an enlarged lymph-node on the left side of my neck and back of the head. I’ve had a fungal infection on my left foot for many years and I haven’t been able to get rid of it until recently. Also, rarely I can get blisters under my tongue and its always on the left side. I’m just curious if there could potentially be some kind of relationship between these symptoms?
I have chronic sinusitis, I’ve had near-anosmia for the last couple of years. Only thing that temporarily give my smell back is 100 mg seroquel which is a strong antihistamine. There’s more and more evidence that inflammation is playing a key role in some forms of depression especially treatment-resistant ones/major and glutamate exitoxicity could play a role in neurodegenerative disorders, bipolar, add, brain inflammation caused by infections.
I’ve had some weird reactions to substances, which I can’t explain
Reaction to smoking a cigarette: Sitting at a bar with my friends, I rarely smoke and given my cancer background I do best in avoid it. My friend offers me one and i’m like fk it and take it, light it up and take some puffs. After a few minutes suddenly my hearing becomes hypersensitive. I can hear everything so loud I was so scared like wtf is going on?? voices, forks everything became so intense.
This reminds me of one time when I took 36 mg concerta in class a couple years ago and had the same symptoms as above. I was doing a math problem when suddenly I became hyperaware of everything around me and I could hear everyone talking so loud and the sound of a someone toying with their pen and other writing in their books.. it was insane!
Cannabis: First time: 4 years ago I was outside with my friends as we were in a park we shared a joint, as we were starting to feel the effects we walked towards my friends house. This is when shit got weird, I kinda hyperfocused on my legs in the snow and was totally mezmerised by it somehow I couldn’t stop walking I almost walked into a pole but my friends managed to stop me. Then suddenly we were at my friends house. I was so confused and asked what had happened? Like did I hit myself anywhere? I suffered a 5 min memory gap. I frenetically checked myself in the mirror for some kind of damage to my brain and kept asking them am I okay???. Anyways, I calmed down and then the night went smoothly I was enjoying myself laughing with my friends, eating loads, listening to music. Nothing more really
First year high school (3 years ago) this is kinda where alot started
Then 6 months later I try cannabis again, however, this time through a bong and I accidently take too much into my lungs and soon start hyperventilating like crazy, I have the worst panic attack ever and although I calm down after awhile my friends actually notice me slightly hyperventilating even more than an hour after I smoked from the bong.
Another time: Severe panic attack that I thought I would die.
And another time: severe paranoia, my friends looked like they had angry faces and when they talked it sounded really menacing. We were at my place so I told them I was really tired and needed to rest so I went to my room. After like an hour I went back to them but was very unresponsive and I had a hard time comphrehending what they were talking about. I think I was so paralyzed by anxiety, I also had intense spasms from my legs.
I’ve realized cannabis is definitely NOT for me.
And I don’t think any strong dopaminergics are good for me either so why do I take dexedrine? It’s the only thing besides r-ketamine that can keep me awake and it’s really hard to get r-ketamine in Sweden because it lacks psychotomimetics-side effects which are sought after by recreational users. As a matter of fact, I probably wouldn’t be able to write this post now if it wasn’t for dexedrine. I’m mitigating the risk of psychosis/mania by taking lithium, xanax and low dose olanzapine at night. As i’m really sensitive to olanzapine 2.5 mg or less is sufficient to get rid of any paranoia dexedrine potentially could induce.
Concerta: no previous medications of these sorts. I started taking them as a way to self-medicate what I thought was ADHD/ADD and to perform better in class. I’m very sensitive to meds generally and a dose of 18 mg concerta has a big effect on me. A friend noticed I would talk really fast. I became really motivated and driven to study, however I became more and more obsessive I guess and I’m not sure exactly what happened but I might have gone into a manic episode (?)
Somewhere along all this chaos I start develop intense anxiety and begin to self medicate with benzodiasapines. I can’t exactly pinpoint what caused me to start taking benzos but i’m guessing it was a combination of high-school pressure, cannabis, concerta and the recent passing of my mother, she died the year before this happened when I started high school and even now after 4 years I sometimes struggle with processing her death.
My mothers passing
In 2013 my mother passed away from Adult T-cell lymphoma caused by a virus HTLV-1. She was a very kind and loving hyper emotional person but suffered episodes of deep depression and according to social services ”delusions which I never noticed. I did however remember one her having some form of persecution paranioa where she would act really scared and cover up the windows with fabric after getting home and having been ”followed” by two guys late at night She’s not diagnosed with any mental illness.
I myself was diagnosed with Acute lymphoblastic leukemia successfully treated for two years with various chemotherapies: 6-mercaptopurin, Asparaginas (Erwinia), Cyklofosfamid, Cytarabin, Daunorubicin, Dexametason, Doxorubicin, Methotrexate, Prednisolon, Thioguanin, Vinkristine.No radiation therapy or stem cell transplantation.
I’ve read a little bit about the metabolic theory of cancer, mitochondrial dysfunction and it kinda makes sense. I would really like to know why I had ALL. They say cancer can be genetic or result from a toxin causing mutations and I read somewhere that cancerogenic viruses can be inherited to the infant and that could explain how cancer can be genetic. I’ve read somewhere that HTLC-1 can cause schizophrenia and i’m suspecting it is this virus that was the reason for her cognitive decline leading to symptoms we call ”mental disorder, bipolar or whatnot”. After her death a brain biopsy was made where they found out she had severe brain inflammation.
I’m scared that I have HTLV-1 or some sort of viral infection.I underwent an ELISA-test for HTLV-1 after my mothers passing but tested negative. However, what if it was latent? And also I’ve read that a virus can switch between being latent and active. So would it always be detectable by ELISA? How reliable is even ELISA-test? Can a virus be latent and still cause destruction to cells in the brain e.g? Could a virus-infection be activated from smoking weed? My gut instinct tells me that I do have some form of infection causing alot of my symptoms. Some of my symptoms are actually scaringly similar to my mothers like sometimes I will zone out.
Also I’ve been in a S-ketamine trial for a year now starting in july 2016. It helped me alot in terms of depressive relief for the first half year however, I needed to take like 2.5 mg zyprexa and like 0.5 mg xanax to combat the psychotomimetic symptoms caused by it’s strong D2-agonism. So this year I did some research on r-ketamine and eventually got my hands on 1 g of r-ketamine which is ingested intranasally over the course of 40-50 days. And the difference was so huge.
I’m tired of this constant fatigue, anxiety, brain fog I have I’ve done everything I could for the past two years to find a cure and this post will probably be one of my last matches in attempt to light a fire. If I can’t find a cure what is the point of living? I’d rather die than being like this, cause right now i’m not going anywhere no matter how hard I try to push myself. I just wanna be happy and free, hangout with my friends and live life to the fullest but I can’t do that in the condition i’m in.
Edited by Mind, 16 August 2017 - 07:32 PM.
Do you know the difference between cerebrolysin and p21?
