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Here to defeat my lifelong depression, please help!!!!

depression anxiety brain fog adhd motivation addiction

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#1 James88

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Posted 22 December 2017 - 10:11 PM


Hello all,

 

My name is James, greetings! I've decided to join the forum to find someone that can help me with my depression as i have absolutely had enough and am desperate to find a solution.

 

Background: (Or life story if you would be so kind to read, i apologise for the length.)

 

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for as long as i can remember, although these days i'd say the depression is the stronger more crippling trait of the two. I also suffer with OCD (which is quite well under control since i saw an amazing therapist who set me up with some awesome coping methods.) Paranoia (not to a psychosis type level, just a very suspicious personality.) And ADHD. Part of me feels that the ADHD is more of an offshoot of the depression, simply because when I'm loud, bouncy and non-stop, it helps me ignore the darkness of the depression that is constantly hanging over me. And i feel that the inattentive part is just my desire to focus on things that I'm interested in, because if I'm not interested, then I'm bored, and if I'm bored I have to sit with my depression and uncomfortable feelings, which i spend my life trying to avoid. I should also mention that I'm a drug addict in recovery, (Alcohol and cocaine) and am nearly 4 years completely clean and sober. yay!!

 

When i was 16 (i'm now 29) i was in a really nasty car crash, resulting in multiple broken bones and a head injury in which i was put in a drug induced coma for a week to let the swelling on my brain go down. I didn't have any bleeding on the brain or anything sinister like that, and the CT scans of my head in the months and years after showed no problems whatsoever. However, although my mental health has always suffered, it got particularly worse after that crash. Depression and anxiety being the worst, i was tried on so many different medications over a period of 3 years, SSRI's, Anti-psychotics, a couple of anti-epileptics for some weird reason, never showed any signs at all of anything to do with that, i think the psychiatrist was just using me as a guinea pig to for his own amusement. I was also tried with a fair few ADHD medications, now i think this bears some significance to my brain chemistry so i'd like to point out that i responded TERRIBlY to ALL ADHD meds as a child and as an adult, (only had Ritalin as a child) they made me completely brainless, zombified, couldn't get two thoughts together, INCREDIBLY depressed (Wellbutrin was the worst for this by far.) Anything that claims to boost dopamine does not mix well with me at all, even Tyrosine. Except for cocaine and caffeine for reasons unknown, which obviously make me feel awesome. But they are of course no solution and i down regulate within a day and need them every 10 minutes. I had a similar depressed response to the anti-epileptics but just not as pronounced. Anti-psychotics made me feel like a 30 stone heavy dribbling mess that had just been sprayed full of elephant tranquillisers. The only positive response i had to all SSRI's tried was Fluoxetine (Prozac). But too much made me lazy and not care about anything. I could happily sit in the dark all day long, not depressed as such, but only because there was no emotion, good or bad. I take four 20mg capsules per week, and that is literally the only balance i have ever been able to find to keep my depression reasonably distanced. If i try to come off them, i get suicidal and flung into a world of sadness beyond imagination, and if i try to take more, no emotion. So yeah, no brilliant options at present.

 

When i was around 21, I'd had enough and started hitting alcohol and narcotics as they were the only thing that made me feel normal and happy. I tried almost everything, but alcohol and cocaine were my drugs of choice because they balanced me in just the right way. Naturally it didn't go well for me or anyone involved, but i just couldn't live in my head anymore. I wouldn't use drugs steadily all day every day, i had the type of pattern where i would go on 3-5 day no holds barred benders until i couldn't physically get out of bed. would spend a day or two in a world of mental and physical pain and anguish, then start fresh and promise myself i wouldn't do it anymore. But ultimately every couple of weeks it would happen again, i'd convince myself id go for just the one drink, get the taste for it and the urge and craving would be absolutely overwhelming and id fall straight back into it. I checked into rehab on my 26th Birthday, and haven't touched a single drink or drug since.

 

My first child was born 2 and a half years ago, and after seeing her face for the first time i didn't want to suffer with my head anymore. I wanted to be the best person i could be for my partner, my daughter, and my son who was born since. So being depressed and in fear every minute of the day was no longer an option so i swore to do something about it. So, I started researching, a lot. I didn't want to go back to a psychiatrist to stuff a load of new meds down me. So I started seeing a well known nutritional therapist in the UK where i live, and he introduced me to the world of supplements, genetic imbalances, anti-inflammatory diets etc. I have made great progress since, but am still struggling, especially since the prozac has pretty much stopped working and the dreaded depression is once again charging its batteries. My nutritional therapist doesn't specialise in the mechanisms of depression and more in the gut health department and physical fitness department. Which has of course helped, but isn't enough. Ive come here looking for people that know a little more on the subject.

 

The supplements I have success with and that are in my regime are, CoQ10, Pregnenolone, Vitamin D, Licorice root (although its not working as much as it did), Astaxanthin (great for my physical endurance but i feel as if my depression is worse since taking it, although could be coincidence,) TMG, Methyl B12, Cod liver oil, HCL Betaine, Magnesium. Ive tried a few supplements for depression and anxiety, but not many as i really don't have that much of an understanding of it all, which is why i'm here for all you good people to advise me!! I tried 5htp not long ago and got the same "lack of emotion" effect that i got with other SSRI's. To be fair i struggle with lack of emotion anyway but that just makes it worse. Its mainly lack of emotion, lack of pleasure, lack of motivation, lack of happiness and sense of reward that i suffer with along with an impending sense of doom and social anxiety. i have a mutation in the MTHFR gene but Folate made me feel AWFUL. Through all my research i have a suspicion i might have excess glutamate as well. But like i said, i don't know that much about this kind of stuff. One more thing that i should mention just incase it gives any insights, as far back as i can remember, I've had these tics. They aren't involuntary tics like tourettes or anything, they are an urge. They include blinking my eyes, grinding my teeth, flaring my nostrils, tensing up my muscles, rolling my eyeballs and other stuff like that. I don't know if its a part of my OCD or what, I'm pretty good at hiding them, i just can't go a minute without doing them, the urge is too damn strong!! oh and I'm crazy about nicotine too by the way, i have an e-cig that i can't go anywhere without, id have it hooked upto a constant oxygen mask if i could. I could never even imagine considering quitting. I can put up my gene SNP's if anyone would like them or if it would help.

 

The only thing that i have found that truly helps with it all and makes me feel my emotions and motivation again is just after vigorous exercise, but it doesn't last.

 

Anyway, if you've read this whole thing, well done!! And thank you so much for taking the time to read it, i really appreciate it. Hope to hear back from somebody!!

 

Many thanks, James.

 

 



#2 jack black

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Posted 23 December 2017 - 03:09 AM

try low dose lithium, NAC, ashwaghanda, and DMAE (in various combinations and different times of day) and report back.

if nicotine helps you, you probably have ADHD.

any problems with sleep?

what are your testosterone numbers?



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#3 James88

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Posted 23 December 2017 - 07:01 PM

Thanks very much for your reply, 

 

I have actually tried Ashwaghanda before, but it just gave me worsened lack of enthusiasm, disconnected and out of it. I have also tried Lithium (orotate) but didn't notice any difference, I'm more than happy to try it again though. I've never tried NAC or DMAE before, have to admit i am worried to take NAC as i have read that it can bring on a detox response, which always worsens my depression. Thats my problem at the moment i guess, because any time i get a detox/immune response my depression will soar to intolerable levels and i will have to stop the supplement immediately. But i guess there is only one way to find out right? 

 

My test levels are in the healthy range. I don't have too much trouble with sleep in terms of getting to sleep and staying asleep, but i never feel like I've slept properly the next day and am always tired. And if I've had sugar anywhere near bedtime then i will sleep terribly as i will be restless all night clucking for more sugar. 

 

Could you possibly shed any light on why i respond so badly to dopamine boosting meds/supplements? Surely if i have ADHD then they should make me feel better not worse?

 

Last night i ran my raw data through a new programme and it put together the SNP's I have relating to depression and addiction. I will stick them up just incase anyone can make any sense of them or if it helps.

 

Depression Status:

 

CHRM2: +/-

BDNF+/-

DIO1 +/-

HTR2A +/+

HT1RA +/-

BDNF +/-

CNR1 +/-

BDNF +/-

GSK3B +/+

 

Addiction Status:

 

DBH +/+

DRD2 +/+

GRIK +/-

CHRM2 +/-

SLC 6A3

GABRA2 +/+

CNR1 +/+

IPCEF1, OPRM1 +/+

CHRNA 5 +/-

CHRNA 4 +/-

CHRNA3 +/+

CHRNB4 +/-

CHRNB2 +/-

ZBTB4 +/+

ANKK1 +/+

 

COMT:

 

rs4680 -/-

rs4633 -/-

rs6269 +/+

rs2239393 +/+

rs4646312 +/+

rs6267 -/-

rs737866 +/-

rs165599 +/-

rs737865 +/-

rs4646316 +/-

rs769224 -/-

 

Hope somebody can make something of them. Worth a try!!

 

Thanks, James.

 

 

 



#4 jack black

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Posted 24 December 2017 - 03:59 PM

 

 

Last night i ran my raw data through a new programme and it put together the SNP's I have relating to depression and addiction. I will stick them up just incase anyone can make any sense of them or if it helps.

 

 

 

COMT:

 

rs4680 -/-

rs4633 -/-

rs6269 +/+

rs2239393 +/+

rs4646312 +/+

rs6267 -/-

rs737866 +/-

rs165599 +/-

rs737865 +/-

rs4646316 +/-

rs769224 -/-

 

Hope somebody can make something of them. Worth a try!!

 

Thanks, James.

 

what software did you use? i'm only familiar with 3 COMT SNPs, and based on those, you should benefit from stimulants and it's weird that you don't. could it be a dose issue? are you an adrenaline junkie and getting yourself in dangerous situations to selfstimulate?



#5 James88

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Posted 24 December 2017 - 09:36 PM

No I’m the opposite of adrenaline junkie because my anxiety kicks in when I’m in any type of risky situations. Plus my depression holds me back because I find it difficult enough to find the motivation to go shopping let alone get into a dangerous situation. Exercise makes me feel super awesome when I’m in a less depressed period.

I’m quite a complicated case to be fair. I honestly have no idea why I respond badly to stimulants. Caffeine always cleared my head and gave me a boost though, never any problem with initially having it but I just become dependant on it really quickly, same with sugar. I haven’t had caffeine in 18months now just because I can’t be doing with the dependence I get on it. Crash so hard and then boom darkness and depression. Still haven’t managed to get off sugar though. Been eating too much of that recently with it being the Christmas period and my mood has gone right down, overwhelmed with depression right now and feeling desperate. Took some 5 htp earlier to try and lift the darkness but got nothing. Christmas Day tomorrow as well. Don’t know how I’m going to cope.

My nutritionist thinks my depression might be from inflammation and recommended CBD oil (no THC). Anyone ever had any positive outcomes for depression on that stuff? I’m obviously a bit wary of it though with being an addict in recovery and stuff.

#6 hydrus

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Posted 26 December 2017 - 11:50 AM

I just wanted to recommend trying CBD oil when I read it had already been suggested to you.

 

first of all CBD oil is not addictive, second I have tried medications and supplements for my depression/anxiety/ADHD/Insomnia and I can say that while CBD does not cure me it has been more helpful than almost anything that I have tried so far I would say. It does also work within minutes of taking it. You can go on/off as needed.

 

You need a quality brand and a sufficiently high dosage though, which is not cheap.


Edited by hydrus, 26 December 2017 - 11:53 AM.


#7 James88

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Posted 26 December 2017 - 06:27 PM

Thanks for your post mate, that makes me feel a little better. Do you feel that it benefits you in terms of lifting mood/happiness and increasing motivation/enthusiasm for life in general? From my research on It I kind of got the impression that although it would decrease my anxiety, it would also sort of sedate me and just make me want to sit and do nothing. Which is how I feel anyway at the moment with my depression being particularly bad the past couple of months.

#8 hydrus

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Posted 04 January 2018 - 11:18 AM

well  you are right that it can be sedating and if taken in too high doses it can make it harder to function.  I do better with sedating antidepressants unlike some others, activating antidepressants make me anxious and cause insomnia. I often take the higher doses later in the day so they do not interfere with my life.

 

I do not have severe depression and I have lots of anxiety, nervousness, insomnia. and some social anxiety.

 

I take higher doses only when needed. The effect lasts a few hours. It kicks in in 15 minutes, very rapid response.

 

I would not say it is a miracle cure, it is more like a tool that can help you cope and I do feel it changes my personality for the better even when I am not on it.

 

I do also have some anhedonia and strangely this helps lessen it too.

 

I find myself resistant to the majority of treatments that I try, so anything that helps me more than what a placebo would do is remarkable. I have tried a lot of stuff and most did not work.

 

Do you feel that it benefits you in terms of lifting mood/happiness and increasing motivation/enthusiasm for life in general? 

 

 

Well I do not know exactly how it works really. It does have some mild mood elevating properties but I am not sure if it directly increases happiness.

 

I feel like I was overly sensitive for my entire life, unlike most people around me. I have nervousness, aches and pains, inner tensions, sleep problems, irritability, depression, generally unable to cope with daily stressors.

 

CBD calms all of this down and makes me less sensitive without numbing me. It also helps me to think more clearly and lessens the tunnel vision associated with depression. Sometimes it almost feels like a therapy session in a pill. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

I do not take it all the time, on some days I need a lot on others I avoid it and do better without.


Edited by hydrus, 04 January 2018 - 11:26 AM.


#9 kurdishfella

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Posted 04 January 2018 - 12:13 PM

progesterone taken ORALLY (Swallow not sublingual) has shown to improve brain injury etc.. 

I take this 100mg daily https://www.healthna...esterone1oz.htm

You will need a high dosage its something about progesterone gets broken down and if you take a low dosage like 10mg you will barely get any effect from oral .

Progesterone can also help anxiety and depression. Progesterone Increases GABA which benzos like Xanax act on for the anti anxiety effect .

https://journal.thri...ne-892926ea9c84


Edited by farshad, 04 January 2018 - 12:16 PM.


#10 Iuvenale

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 10:50 PM

If you have significant mutations in the MTHFR gene, then try creatine instead of folate. Most people have some mutations in MTHFR. It’s probably the normal evolutionarily preferred state. Here’s a video to help you decide https://m.youtube.co...s&v=290QXvTVp_c

And here’s a good video on supplements for MTHFR https://m.youtube.co...h?v=QImhsa8AWdc

Please consider not having more children if you have mental health problems. Mental health is extremely heritable and subjecting children to a life of misery is irresponsible. In addition, even if you are determined to be a good parent, your children are picking up more from your mood and behavior than what you do or say. Let’s all be honest and responsible proccreators. You can do more harm creating a life of torture and misery than by almost any other thing you do. Sorry to be so blunt, and I am sure you get a sense of meaningfulness by being a father, but these things have to be brought into the open. Life is hard even for normal people. It can be excruciating for those afflicted with anxiety and depression, as you know.
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#11 gamesguru

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Posted 14 July 2018 - 02:33 PM

If the exercise is having a mental boost only for a few hours, your body may be producing too much cortisol.  Try cutting intense training down to 45 minutes four days a week.

 

also curious if you are taking coffee or more of a tea?  Tea makes you eat less and it can mess with glutamate and dopamine, making you feel crummy.  If you're drinking it every day you may want to add some form of magnesium and turmeric to your diet to help counteract that.



#12 jack black

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Posted 14 July 2018 - 03:17 PM


Please consider not having more children if you have mental health problems. Mental health is extremely heritable and subjecting children to a life of misery is irresponsible. In addition, even if you are determined to be a good parent, your children are picking up more from your mood and behavior than what you do or say. Let’s all be honest and responsible proccreators. You can do more harm creating a life of torture and misery than by almost any other thing you do. Sorry to be so blunt, and I am sure you get a sense of meaningfulness by being a father, but these things have to be brought into the open. Life is hard even for normal people. It can be excruciating for those afflicted with anxiety and depression, as you know.

 

Interesting twist on eugenics. While there is a valid point, who knows what unintended consequences that may bring. No geniuses obsessed to make discoveries or improve our lives?



#13 John250

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Posted 14 July 2018 - 08:12 PM

Try Cortisolve by MPA Supplement’s. It has the highest dose of phosphatidylserine I’ve ever seen in a supplement.

https://www.amazon.c...z/dp/B01DJPBGPU

#14 Multivitz

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Posted 14 July 2018 - 09:20 PM

There’s nothing here from James from December, but for anyone who needs the lowdown on healing just visit gotmag.org
If tissue salts are out maybe some homeopathy? Or some slapping maybe. Sun gazing is fun when done nicely, but it all starts with the salts/minerals. Oh and avoid hybrid foods and the like, and maybe nano substances.
Everyone has a healing journey, synthetic drugs n vaccines just neuter our immunity chemically.
Nothing happens without boron.

#15 kurdishfella

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Posted 24 January 2022 - 07:37 PM

I would see if possibly my mental health is caused by health issue before trying therapy etc

#16 kurdishfella

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Posted 12 February 2022 - 03:07 AM

we know its learned because people dont have them when they are young so its then possible to unlearn it probably harder 



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#17 poonja

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Posted 13 February 2022 - 12:47 PM

Find a progressive doctor who will treat you with ketamine.  Reputedly, people whom have been suffering with major depressive disorder for years find persistent relief after one treatment.  Also clinical use of psychedelic mushrooms are very effective.  Good luck.


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