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FUBAR! Long-term Anhedonia/Depression/Addiction - Input Welcome!

anhednonia addiction depression

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#1 Teddy

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 08:01 AM


Hello Kittens, I am looking for input on how to be human again. 
 
Mine is a textbook spiral of trauma/dysfunction/mental illness: Molested by dad at 8, obese by 11, anorexic by 13, bulimic cutter by 15, alcoholic by 17, stimulant drugs by 18, party like it’s 1999 for the next 10 years, near death OD on meth at 28. OD blew out my brain, heart and nervous system, and left me disabled for two years. I lost everything. (I was a magna cum laude graduate with a good job until then). Don’t really know how I survived the two years after my OD as it was very brutal with seizures, panic attacks, and, most notably, no air conditioning in AZ! 
 
I am now 52 and a severe anhedonic with episodes of very dark dysphoric depression to the point that I question whether I am a sociopath sometimes. This makes getting sober much harder, because I actually feel darker when I am sober. I use coffee to “come alive” to “execute” my  day. But the caffeine always ends up in crazy mania and booze. It is my Daisy Chain of Satan cycle.
 
Over the decades, I have been unable to tolerate most Rx’s because my brain and nervous system are so very “canary in a coal mine” delicate. I have been on 15 mg flurazepam (a benzo) for almost 20 years to control my seizures. (Could not tolerate other seizure meds.) I tried to slowly get off the flurazepam last year (and switch to keppra) cuz I was thinking the benzo could be a contributer to the anhedonia, but, Jesus God, I cannot even describe the months of abject torture involved in that WD process before the docs said I had probably been on it too long to come off and my seizure disorder was becoming unstable again so just let it be. I don't think I would never try that again.
 
In desperation over my anhednonia, I have done almost every traditional and alternative therapy you can list. From numerous Rx drugs & psychotherapies, bodywork, exercise, Chinese Medicine, meditations and even Soul Freaking Retrieval! (And I am an atheist!) I spent a lot of money being therapized up one side and down the other. I did AA for over a year. I am currently in therapy with a therapist I totally respect and who allows me to talk about my feelings that life is without meaning or purpose or value to me, but what I really need is to shift my broken brain, so it can feel and engage with life again, even a little bit. But because my brain is so sensitive, I feel like I am FUBAR. 
 
I am dead inside. I am a stone cold zombie Borg, just doing my time on planet earth. As my mood becomes deader, it becomes darker, and I find my thoughts and behaviors distasteful unto myself. I am becoming resentful and even spiteful toward the "living." And while I am not suicidal, I question the point of my existence. I have been reading on here about various substances that might work on anhedonia, but there are so many conflicting anecdotes.  
 
Any advice, commiseration or sarcasm are greatly appreciated.   

Edited by Teddy, 11 January 2018 - 08:12 AM.


#2 jack black

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 01:14 PM

to an untrained eye, it sounds like a prefund neuron damage from cycles of abuse. neurons die due to excitotoxicity, and you have to abstain from activities that lead to glutamate receptor (especially NMDA) stimulation or overexpression of NMDA receptors.

the other part of healing equation is regenerating lost neurons. look into boosting NDGF via healthy lifestyle and various supplements. 

search this forum for helpful advice as are there are lots of people with similar problems who successfully completed recovery and/or on the way to recovery.


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#3 Teddy

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 06:02 PM

Thanks JB! Yes, I need to be sober (but I really like the way you said it better!). But it is difficult without any effective treatment. I am looking into NSI-189 and BPC-157 but there are conflicting reports, and with my history, I have to be cautious about agitating my super delicate brain.

 

For instance, I am low Vit D (12) but have only been able to work up to 500iu per day without side effects and am suppose to be taking 10,000iu! I also do not tolerate my thyroid med. (30 mg Armour). Also don't tolerate EPA.  

 

I was just hoping someone might suggest something that might kind of be enlivening but have the lowest risk of being agitating --sort of like the Jimmy Fallon of supplements.  



#4 jack black

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 06:24 PM

maybe you should get meds to help you stay sober? i know that disulfiram or naltrexone are prescribed for that (i'm sure there are many other ones).

 

as for supplements, I recommend NAC 1-2 g/day (you are probably deficient in glutathione and it protects your liver) and Ashwaghanda (good for thyroid issues). Low dose Lithium is great for regenerating neurons but may hurt your thyroid. Don't expect sudden improvements from those.

 

you might want to check your testosterone, because if low if could be part of your problems. if that fails you might need antidepresents to jump start your brain. bupropion is not bad if you can tolerate it.

 

good luck.


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#5 Teddy

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 10:12 PM

Thanks again JB. Just FYI, I am a girl Teddy. 

 

I have taken NAC, it probable kept me alive during my heavy duty alcoholic years. Ashwaganda I can tolerate but don't notice anything. I've tried lithium orotate but it agitated me, have not tried the Rx version. 

 

I am leaning toward BPC-157 in an attempt to repair damage from my meth OD, but will wait until I have a good bit of sobriety going which I am committed to this year. ...she said after 35 years of addiction. I would like to find my "baseline" as I have not been either substance or behaviorally disordered since childhood, but I suspect that would take a year or more and I doubt I would "make it" if I do not intervene on the anhedonia/depression.   


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#6 jack black

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 02:17 AM

sorry about that gender mix up. all the best!



#7 Galaxyshock

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 04:00 AM

St. John's Wort to treat depression, anhedonia and as anti-addiction protocol.


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#8 SirVag

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Posted 17 January 2018 - 01:09 PM

Check into NMDA receptor dysfunction.


Edited by SirVag, 17 January 2018 - 01:21 PM.


#9 Teddy

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 01:05 AM

Thanks for the input.

 

I started back on NAC since it seemed fairly benign before but it ended up badly within just a couple days. (I used Jarrow sustained releae.) I had an unusual/more extreme anhedonic experience. I mean, I kind of thought I was at the rock bottom level of anhenodia, but apparently there is a secret underground garage. I was just distracting myself watching TV and at some point I realized that not only had I not been able to retain what I had been watching for some time, but that the "stimulus" of the TV was causing a disassociated yet invasive dysphoria. Like: "What are these words and pictures! They mean nothing! It's absurd!" Like my mind was totally blank to what it was being confronted with. (Um, it was just a tennis match). Then looking around my loft, I realized I was "blank" to everything. I had to go to my bed immediately and shut my eyes. I became frightened and despairing, cuz I have never experienced that level of the void before. I thought briefly that this was the time to end it. But I decided to just take my benzo seizure meds and put myself out. I felt like the safest thing to do. 

 

What can I say, people. It sucks. I mean I can barely handle being a stone cold dead zombie Borg with no emotional engagement, but I definitely cannot handle being a total blank void to the point where my own living room seems so frighteningly alien to me, I would prefer to be in a coma. 

 

I stopped the NAC yesterday and I am back to my more normal shitty state today. I really am a canary in a coal mine with meds and supplements. I still want to try the BCP-157 since it actually heals damage, maybe I will stay off everything until such time as I can obtain it. I will let you know how it goes. 



#10 Dominic F.

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Posted 14 August 2018 - 03:55 PM

In my experience the best ways I know to alleviate anhedonia or at least gain insight into what the root cause of it is entheogenic substances. Ketamine, cannabis, psilocybin, LSD, ayahuasca, iboga. I haven't cured this issue in myself though so I can't say for certain, but after I did iboga, for a whole year afterwards all my emotions came back, I was cycling between extreme pain and extreme love/compassion. It overwhelmed me so badly because I didn't know how to deal with the intense emotions (that's why my emotions shut down in the first place) so since then I've learned how to meditate, do breathwork and embrace the emotions so when the numbness does wear off (which it does from time to time), I can actually let it happen rather than unconsciously suppressing and repressing (this is the root cause of the anhedonia, unconsciously blocking out emotions so you can't feel your emotions anymore and don't know why you can't feel anything good) them. That's at least one possible cause of anhedonia. I know that antipsychotics cause it in me too so maybe it can be purely biochemical too.

 

Something you might be interested in trying is IV NAD+ therapy. I was on amphetamines for years and long term use of substances like that most likely deplete NAD levels heavily (which likely heavily contributes to the degradation of the dopamine pathways and other damage caused by long term amphetamine use). IV NAD+ therapy replenishes your NAD levels via a drip.


Edited by Dominic F., 14 August 2018 - 03:59 PM.


#11 John250

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Posted 14 August 2018 - 06:32 PM

In my experience the best ways I know to alleviate anhedonia or at least gain insight into what the root cause of it is entheogenic substances. Ketamine, cannabis, psilocybin, LSD, ayahuasca, iboga. I haven't cured this issue in myself though so I can't say for certain, but after I did iboga, for a whole year afterwards all my emotions came back, I was cycling between extreme pain and extreme love/compassion. It overwhelmed me so badly because I didn't know how to deal with the intense emotions (that's why my emotions shut down in the first place) so since then I've learned how to meditate, do breathwork and embrace the emotions so when the numbness does wear off (which it does from time to time), I can actually let it happen rather than unconsciously suppressing and repressing (this is the root cause of the anhedonia, unconsciously blocking out emotions so you can't feel your emotions anymore and don't know why you can't feel anything good) them. That's at least one possible cause of anhedonia. I know that antipsychotics cause it in me too so maybe it can be purely biochemical too.

Something you might be interested in trying is IV NAD+ therapy. I was on amphetamines for years and long term use of substances like that most likely deplete NAD levels heavily (which likely heavily contributes to the degradation of the dopamine pathways and other damage caused by long term amphetamine use). IV NAD+ therapy replenishes your NAD levels via a drip.


Would a Vitamin B3 blood test show levels?

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#12 Teddy

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Posted 20 August 2018 - 06:50 PM

Just wanted to say I am starting to feel better. After trying every supplement under the sun, I have found I feel better when I take less things.

 

Quitting caffeine was the lynchpin. For me, it's a brain/energy/mood killer, even though it is a super seductive quick fix for depression and low energy. Quitting caffeine also allowed me to quit booze cuz I did not get manic or anxious. I am also slowly getting off all natural and Rx sleep meds. So even though I am in the brutal hell of 3 protracted withdrawal syndromes (caffeine, alcohol, benzos) and my sleep is shit, I feel much more positive mentally. I have found I feel better when I don't take Vit. D or even mag. I think I am just super-reactive to everything and maybe it's best just to leave my system alone. I do eat a high nutrition diet and do moderate exercise about 40 minutes per day. I wish I could get more sun, but it's too fucking hot here during the summer.   

 

I did end up trying both BCP and NSI. I did not tolerate NSI at all, just dysphoric anxiety from that. BCP was pretty benign. It was great when drinking. It's like it negated the sedation of the alcohol, but let the buzz though. Um, not a good thing for an alcoholic, mind you. I'm not sure what it would do now that I'm sober. I would not be hesitant to try it again, but I don't really have a compelling reason since it is mostly for soft tissue injury and it's mighty expensive, and I have order it from fucking Slovenia!   

 

My goal with supplements and drugs going forward is to take them only for acute symptoms as needed. Right now I take occasional bacopa when my benzo withdrawal anxiety reaches heart-attack level and it works well, but I can tell it also brings my mood down. 

 

Anyway, just thought I would give an update and I hope others are finding some improvement also. 

 

  







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