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[gecata]

Hi everybody my name is George.

I currently am a sophomore in a good university and am suffering from depression. It is cause by a combination of genetics and my multi-substance abuse. I've done a lot of amphetamines but never went overboard with them (occasional use aka. every couple of weeks). My biggest mistake was my bad relationship with MDMA. The second half of my freshman year was filled with "XTC". I was popping pills weekly for about 3-4 months (never went beyond 1 pill per night, my usual dosage was half a pill maximum). I never tested my pills but I could say that I'm able to recognise MDMA. I fell in love with this drug mainly due to the fact that I never suffered from any hangovers or comedowns. Instead I was experiencing beautiful afterglows. I was happy, in fact I could easily say that this period was extremely beautiful, stress free with virtually no depressions or even what people call blues.

 

   Something that I noticed after I stopped was that during this whole period I lacked any sexual desire. Before MDMA I would masturbate almost every time I'm in the shower but while I was doing it (even throughout the sober week) I never even thought about sex. When I look at a girl I tend to think of how beautiful she is and not how much I'd like to get in her panties. I got myself a girlfriend and discovered that i suffer from ED. Not only I had no interest in having sex but at times when we would try to have sex my tool would either not respond to her stimuli or would stay erect for a while and then go back to sleep (the first time we tried having sex this happened, I was unable to maintain my arousal and my erection). This got me scared but because I was taking piracetam at that time I just assumed it's the reason for my problem after some research( I think I just didn't want to believe that the beautiful chemical known as MDMA can do me harm). So I ended up doing more of it until I started feeling down. My emotions feel rather dull and I can't decide if they are improving or not.

   

   Currently I could easily say that I suffer from OCD, depression and anxiety all at once. I kinda feel like they all started after I slowly started discovering my inability to perform. This of course results in a vicious cycle. Last time I took any stimulants was around 2 months now. I think that things are starting to improve but I'm not sure just yet. Morning woods essentially are back and I tend to get random erections throughout the day both of which were non-existant a while back. I haven't tried having sex for around 2 months now as I am afraid of being unable to perform. I'm an extremely outgoing person and girls tend to like me a lot but this problem of mine is really screwing up my confidence. I'm not going to take any stimulants anytime soon, if ever again. I smoke weed everyday and I get drunk occasionally as I am a person that seeks mind altered states (decided that It's a good idea to add this). As I said I'm not sure if I'm getting better or not but I feel terrible at times and really want to get over this. Aside from weed and alchohol I do psychedelics on very rare occasions (lsd, shrooms). I'm away from home which makes my depression worse but I can't seem to figure out whether this is all due to my depressed state or something that I did to myself chemically (or both). Currently I'm supplementing with Vit C, Vit E, Vit B-6, Magnesium, Zinc, Choline, St. Johns Wurth(but Im planning to discontinue use), Curcumin(started recently), Fish Oil and Piracetam (Im waiting for tianeptine to come in the mail). I can see a bit of improvement since I started this "stack" but it is too early to say for sure as it's been around a week since I started it. My mood seems to be more stable but it's super easy for me to go into a bad mood which lasts till the day is over. I just want to reassure myself that everything is going to be alright. I just want to say that when I was a kid I was not that social and have had my heart broken many times which messed up my confidence. Ive always been anxious and an obsessive thinker but things got a lot worse after MDMA. Is my libido going to come back? Did I permanently damage myself ( once a week for a couple of months is a HUGE amount of MDMA from what I've read on the internet)? Any advice on my road to recovery ?  

Also I'm 20 years old. 

(THIS IS ALSO MY INTRODUCTION TOPIC, sorry for double posting!)

[julianlsouth]

Have you looked into the idea of self-medication? The effects of MDMA are going to be very compelling for someone who's been the quiet type as a child and is feeling anxiety (I get that it's less worrying to say that the MDMA caused the anxiety but in the interests of rationality you have to consider the possibility of the reverse being true). Anxiety is such a freaking common condition and the more I learn about it (my own and others) the more I realise that it underlies a lot of more "symptomatic" diseases we see like fibromyalgia, ED, fatigue, eating disorders ... possibly ADHD, bipolar and depression too, although it flows both ways for them I reckon.

 

All of which is to say, there is definitely a way out of the hole you find yourself in (I've been there trust me, including all the drug use except psychedelics were like twice weekly for me) but it will likely involve a bit of acceptance that there is more going on than just supplements and cell function. It's also a matter of rewiring some of those negative cycles in your brainware. That can be done a number of ways. Things like therapy have their place but these days I prefer the less "talky" approaches. Neurofeedback is something you should definitely look into.

 

Best of luck with it all bro, there is an upside to all this, which is that you'll only come out of it when you develop a greater ability to accept yourself as you are and that'll set you up for success in so many ways that you'll be grateful in the end. I know that sounds maniacal right now, but it's turning weaknesses into strengths and that's what evolution and life does best.

 

Oh and one final thing take up gymnastics or tai chi or swimming or ballroom dancing -- something that physical that interests you. The natural highs of using your body as it was intended must not be underestimated! And it'll also do good things for your energy metabolism which has probably been hammered by all that stimulant use.