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Conclusions on ADHD-PI

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#1 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 17 June 2018 - 03:52 AM


    Hi everyone, So I wanted to make a main thread people could go to, primarily for their concerns about this disorder and it's root causal nature. From my experience, in doing nearly every single action possible and sorting through vast quantities of literature. I've been able to identify certain trends and characteristics that are primal in this disorder.  ADHD-PI more than likely  is probably a congenital cognitive development delay of the cerebellum, which seems to have some relationship to the reticular activating formation at the base of the brain step. This explains the high rate of co-morbidity of the disorders often, that we are afflicted with. My understanding is that the cerebellum must either had not only a developmental delay, also an abnormal development which causes impulses to not be down regulated. The reticular activating formation is responsible for the creation of consciousness and the arousal states. Thus this implicates that it isn't merely a chemical problem. This is far too simplistic of a view, from my perspective, rather their appears to be a vast dsyfunction or circuit attention of deficit missing period. Thus these dopamine receptors may in fact be damnaged or low aroused in the RAS and the cerebellum. This explains clumsiness with the ADHD-PI, inability to regulate attention, low arousal state, chronic boredom.  The fatigue that we experience with this disorder, is in fact the result of using vast amounts of willpower which is finite. Allowing one for a short-time to function like a normal person as a result, you experience burnout thus you become more susceptible to impulse.  These developmental delays are more than likely genetic in nature and probably inherrited which explains why I'm unable to transcend the deficits, irrespective of the amount of energy I exert or the amount of integration coping mechanisms are used to combat the disorder. Thus a  true cure seems extremely unlikely unlesss we are able to ascertain the true nature of these cogentital deficits. Thus if they were born from utero damage then the  inevitability is permanent dsyfunction. Which means we will have to chronically have to manage the symptoms as much as we can. From my understanding, tourette syndrome is developmental dsyfunction of the cerebellum, which causes chronic impulse problems. The problem of arousal has to do with damage or mis-communication with the  RAS which explains why we might appear to be high and bored all the time. The deeper implicaiton of this is not only is are brain underaroused, so is are entire central nervous system, which explains why chemicals like adrenal work because they act directly upon the nervous system. The brain stem is directly connected to the central nervous, thus everything we do will ultimately suffer from chronic under performance and underachievement precisely because it doesn't stimulate are central nervous system. Thus since the RAS, is responsible for sensory integration and connects all the circuits of the brain, this would explain the chronic problems of forgetfulness. The hippocampus is likely receiving impartial information or not taking in enough information, thus it requires repeated saturation thresholds to increase relay the information. This means by extension precisely because are Core circuit is defunct,we are slow to produce and respond because the brains sensory integration is slower than normal. The problems of executive control might still be intact, rather it's being overridden, since the brain is constantly seeking to stay awake. Thus two possibilities exists either instinct> high order functioning or their exists developmental problems with the pre-frontal cortex as well.  Effectively speaking, this probably explains why I have chronic thoughts that never cease, my RAS isn't censoring nor filtering the information correctly causing information paralysis. It explains why I suffer from social withdrawl because of sensory dis-integration. It explains why people with are disorder have a tendency to be blunt, because theirs no proper regulation of broca's region of the brain. It explains are memory deficit because we are receiving smaller pieces of information. It explains are clumsiness and inability to follow instructions well because of cerebellum delays.  It explains why we suffer from chronic fatigue and need things repeated to us, because are requires a higher stimulus threshold for the RAS to properly register the information to the rest of the brain.  It explains why we may act aganist are own interests precisely because the brain stems functions are more primal thus they may be superceding are logic. Ofcourse their are holes to my theory, with the exception of why it explains why we can know so much and integrate so little. Are prefrontal cortex's aren't broken, rather they are being override by more core defunct circuits.   The RAS, is responsible for arousal State and ultimately the integration of experience or action. Thus a dsyfunctional RAS that isn't effectively  filtering out information will subdue the prefrontal cortex and ultimately we  will suffer from chronic underachievement because the RAS, MUST keep are immune systems aroused or seeks arousal in the environment to compensate. Even if this is wrong, it implicates we have dsyfunction in a many regions of the brain, not merely the prefrontal cortex. I hope this explanation gives anyone a good understanding of the reasons behind the disorder. If the problem was merely chemical then it would be able to fix the deficits, rather most stimulants fix only a few deficits and we achieve only function about 85% of neurotypicals. In conclusion, it's unlikely their exists any theoretical environmental cure.  A cure would only come in the form,of stem cell injection or gene therapy. Either case is unlikely because we don't know the underlying details dsyfunctions of the disorder. Finally I'd like to say do not expect to ever master anything, precisely because we will never get enough reward or stimulus to achieve such a level without artificial means, meaning underachievement is chronic. Thus to surpass are problem, we must remove the decision making element, since decision making process is impaired...

 

 

                                I've taken  the liberty of creating a list of what works:

 

               1. Meditation works-Improves impulse

               2. Planner- improves executive function and planning 

               3. Calendars- Improves goal planning and time deficit 

               4. Workouting- Raises arousal level for ADHD-PI

               5. Routine- removes decision process. 

               6. CBT- Works to manually filter your thoughts- If your plagued with chronic thoughts like me, then you must neutralize them

               7. Pomodoro timers- Creates hard deadlines and increases productivity

               8. Protein shakes-Provides sustained energy and focus-Meager improvement

 

                         Note: Everything that is done here, we are effectively doing manually what the brain does AUTOMATICALLY in a neurotypical, thus it should be NO surprise why we suffer from chronic underachievement. Finally don't be down on yourself, affirm your worth and ENJOY life, we were dealt a fucked hand.

 

                       Note 2: To avoid underachievement and underarousal, you can create a  high stress environment which will raise your cortisol levels allowing you to increase your productivity. An example is keeping your room very cold, it will keep you awake. Thus ADHD-PI should perpetually seek DISCOMFORT, doing so you increase arousal. Thus we must conduct ourselves on the grounds of, "Is this job arousing enough for me ?", " How much willpower will this task take.?"," What can I realistically do now?", " Finally PLAN AHEAD, Have NO FREE time, any moment of free time, will allow your impulsive brain to sabatoge you. Thus you must PLAN your ENTIRE week. Everyday should have a functional purpose.

 

                          Ex: Monday: Workout day Tuesday: Phone Day

 

                       Note 3: By creating a scaffold, we remove the decision process allowing everything we do to be AUTOMATIC, which mimics what a neurotypical ALREADY does, thus we must AVOID making decisions whenever possible. We also can design a scaffolding process, which will invariably fall apart overtime, theoretically we can achieve a stable life multitude of times throughout are lives, for months at a time, then they WILL fall apart. Thus plan for the inevitable falling apart of your scaffold. By doing so you anticipate your brains sabatoge.

 

                      Note 4: Recognize potential  spouses- Ideally they are high achievers,good EXECUTIVES and goal oriented. Thats right you should USE Your spouse to compensate for your deficits and FRIENDS. 

 

                              Everything here I've done and it WORKS. It's ALOT of work and this is as close as we can get to attaining achievement of neurotypicals who I hate so much.  Above all else recognize that you are ALL or NOTHING. Thus if you slip once YOU WILL SLIP. So everyday is life or death. If you lose your routine you WILL LOSE IT. Be very careful. I hope this post is useful, finally I'm developing a mechanism to filter chronic thoughts. I wish you all the best goodluck.

 

                      

    

 

 

 


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#2 jack black

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Posted 19 June 2018 - 02:20 PM

you might be well all correct here. i have some degree of ADHD, but sometimes it feels more like depression, or anxiety, or mild autism, or borderline, or even ultra fast cycling bipolar. your theory may potentially explain them all. i'm clumsy alright. too.

 

while my spouse has exactly the opposite personality and compensates a bit my flaws in out family/social life, it doesn't help me in my disorganized professional life.

 

you are spot on on the high stress helping short term, but it ultimately leads to burnout and depression.

 

currently, i'm trying to read Dr Amen's book on brain scans in ADHD and other disorders, but it's going slow (for obvious reasons). I'll try to see if his take agrees with your info.


Edited by jack black, 19 June 2018 - 02:34 PM.

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#3 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 20 June 2018 - 03:08 AM

  Part Two: I've decided to take the liberty in making this a cumalative thread, to hopefully help anyone struggling with this disorder. Thus if you feel something is missing then feel free to add additional information to this piece, so we can continue compiling information accordingly. I wanted to illustrate a few crucial factors that you MUST be aware of if you are to pursue a good life.Everything I've been saying has come through hundreds and hundreds of failures and experiences ect. What key factor that ultimately limits us socially is what I call the "social wall". Only for ADHD-PI. Their appears to exist many metaphorical walls, where no amount of physical energy or exertion can push beyond precisely because, we don't have enough stimulation to ascertain the details, to allow for that improvement, because of are underarousal. Thus this "social wall" is caused by PASSIVENESS, and passive-aggressive behavior. This will come in the forms of sarcasm, self-deprecating jokes, negative thought cycles, information binges, chronic self-attack. These ultimately afflict you socially because by being passive your always in a reactive state, or in other words ON THE DEFENSIVE. This means people socially,will be able to dictate actions and things  to you precisely because they are are ACTIVE and you are NOT. My boss illustrated my own REACTIVITY and passiveness, which I DID NOT REALIZE, because I've become so accustomed to being negative and blaming others FOR MY problems, because I don't want to take responsibility for my mistakes. In a sense, this a protection mechanism, to protect myself from another failure, unfortunately YOU must take responsibility for EVERYTHING you do EVEN WITH THE DISORDER, you must be POSITIVE. By being passive, you will NOT get promotions, you WON'T be the leader, you WON't get into the HIGH SOCIAL circle. You will find yourself in DEPENDENT relationships of others, emotional fragmentation, and subconciously RELYING on them. Which MAKES YOU WEAK and reinforces your own WORTHLESSNESS. This MUST Not be allowed. Thus I've developed a system to COMBAT THIS. These thoughts patterns have probably developed from years of failure and mistakes as a designed defense mechanism by the brain. Thus to counteract this we must USE CBT, We use a notebook, and we examine these self-attacking and self-deprecating thoughts, by purging it an examining it.  By examining the validity of the statements and AFFIRMING YOU ARE good  ENOUGH. YOU DID A GOODJOB, you did great you negate and STOP the cycle.Which won't remove the passiveness but will minimize it which puts you closer to an active RESPONSIBLE STATE OF Mind. Ultimately the goal is to attain the closest functioning of neurotypicals as POSSIBLE. Thus it's not remotely realistic to constantly  be PROACTIVE, because by definition ADHD-PI is a disorder of EXECUTING INFORMATION or doing what we know. Thus we integrate this function into are thought process as a SCAFFOLD artificially, to regulate the infinite thoughts that we have. Doing so we have less worry and more confidence and likely increased job security. Chronic worry and  overthinking FURTHER  impairs, executive functions BY ARE OWN DOING, not by are BRAIN. Thus we must maximize are executive functions,which means NO clutter. Also don't expect for the change to be permanent, it won't be, a win for us, means doing it as consistently as possible. 

 

                               1. This is a real life example of mean at the GYM, I successfully STOPPED THE negative thought, which IMPEDED ME from COMPLETING THE REP. We need to treat negative thoughts LIKE poison. It effects EVERYTHING, that we do and invariably materializes in are body. Emotion and negativity will manifest themselves the more and more you suppress it, thus it's important you have  "DUMP" to defuse yourself and reaffirm your worth.

                    For example:  A.(Negative Thought:)-"I feel so worthless, I wasn't able to bench 210, I've been at this for 5 months, Why Is that guy able to bench 225 and I'm not able to?"

 

                                           B.(PositiveThought:)- " No you did a goodjob, you finished your workout and your healthy because of it. Stop comparing yourself to him, your not him, you are only you."                                              

                                          C. Explanation: It's important to understand that in this EXAMPLE, we see self-deprecation, a self-imposed expectation, and a comparison, yet non of  these metrics ARE REFLECTIVE OF ME,they are met to HELP you. Thus my negative mind afflicted this goal, as a failure, when it's meant to be a motivator. Secondly because I've failed to reach the bench means NOTHING, it only means I have more work to do. Finally YOU can ONLY BE YOU. You aren't able to be someone else. This is very important, this was caused subconciously because of ENVY, I envied him. I FELT I desired that BENCH, yet I'm NOT HIM. Thus by doing this, we STOP the problem solving process and BECOME Passive. Above all else, remember that this is happening after YEARS of working on myself. Never feel like your too good, because your NOT. Their were days where I felt on top yet I was still the same, keep it in perspective and be humble.

                                         

                           2. Insight 2: Understand that you WILL NEVER EVER master anything, this has been very hard to come to terms with. Despite all my commitments and all my work I've FAILED every time to master a skill, precisely because of underarousal. Which is OK, we have other strengths that we CAN utilize. Note: If you have been able to attain mastery like a neurotypical tell me your secret, because I've looked at EVERY TECHNIQUE and every possible act  possible. It appears IMPOSSIBLE to have mastery because of another "wall" I call the SKILL wall. Thus we need to affirm, our jack of all trades skill and leverage it rather than seeing it as a negative by doing so, we have a great chance at FINANCIAL success, which is what we WANT. To WIN the game. If you follow the conventional neurotypical route you WILL FAIL. The problem with the things we've been taught is we've been taught the NEUROTYPICAL way of success which WON'T WORK. No matter how hard you put in. To be successful you must follow YOUR success. Conclusion leverage your strengths, NO MASTERY, NEVER EVER.

To those who are skeptical of this claim, I played chess for 2500 hours and achieved only above 1400, despite having GRANDMASTER knowledge. Precisely because of the SKILL WALL which is OK :). Are goal is to CIRCUMVENT THE WALL. (TBC.)

 


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#4 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 21 June 2018 - 03:17 AM

 It doesn't appear that I can edit my existing post, Anyways(TBC) Insight 2:  Conclusion: Be Ok that you won't master anything yet be open to the possibility. I'm not saying it's impossible because we must be open to challenge yet be realistic. Rather just stop wanting to be a neurotypical, neurotypicals attain mastery, it's in their intrinsic nature and not ours. When we finally stop pretending to be something we aren't we will finally stop failing and we can start succeeding and STOP the NEGATIVE CYCLE of thoughts. Aren't you sick of feeling like dirt? Aren't you sick of blaming yourself even though your exhausted? Aren't you pissed you are always resentful when they DID nothing to YOU.  Finally, we accept are nature and MASTER being a jack of all trades, in are own way. Doing so we create a POSITIVE feedback loop.

 

                                                                                        Insight 3: Praise Yourself:) You know what's stupid? I never give myself ANY praise all I ever do is attack, attack, attack myself. Be kind to yourself by doing so you ALLOW Yourself to WIN. WINNING is important ESPECIALLY TO US. All our lives we feel like failures because we could never measure up to a neurotypical. Finally we CAN WIN and no longer feel like crap. Praise all that you do, because you know what? It's HARDWORK being us, it's a daily challenge and that's a goodjob in ITSELF. For myself, I could easily, have become a homeless drug addict and a doormat and blame all my problems on the world. Yet I've choosen a different path because I DESIRE it, I want to be HAPPY. So Above all, Be kind to yourself. Remember you are WORTH it and you deserve TO LIVE. This technique in CBT, is called "affirmation", it negates the effects of low-self esteem and chronic worrying.  Conclusion: Say: " I did a goodjob today."

 

                                                                                   Insight 4: Don't let the Disorder define YOU: Above all else, it's are mission in lives to OVERCOME, this problem by ANY means. Regardless of the amount of work required and regardless of what the symptoms and treatments say. Take responsibility for yourself and stop blaming the disorder for all your problems. You ever see the one legged kid? He learned to run, I've seen a girl with no hands, LEARN TO WRITE. It doesn't matter, your DESTINY is now. This is very important, don't overresearch or overstudy your disorder, because your beliefs of the disorder WILL BECOME REALITY. Remember it's a character FLAW not the end of your LIFE. Conclusion:  Chase your destiny no MATTER what.

                                                                                 Insight 5: Automate everything and give chores and tasks your bad at to someone else:) This is very useful because it allows us to finally be able to leverage are advantages and negate are disadvantages.  Conclusion: Mitigate your weaknesses and leverage your advantages.

 

                                                                                Insight 6: Amass Lots of Money=Cure.) That's right, to many of us neglect this most important of features of society while others make mass profits, while we chase useless habits and amass vasts amounts of USELESS information we WON'T USE, hence waste of time. Many of us have a bad VIEW of money and believe we don't need any. This IS WRONG, this is caused by passiveness because we are so used to failure. Money is the key to YOUR Freedom and TO do what you want when YOU WANT. Don't want to be bossed around by your boss? Start your own business. Want to be able to take as many days off as possible then get money. I state money is a cure, because it doesn't care about your ability, it doesn't care that you have the emotions of a 10 year old, a girl won't care, society won't care, precisely because it's the GREAT EQUALIZER of society. If you ACHIEVE  financial security, you WILL  BE enormously happier. With a million dollars, you can hire 50 maids, to shine your shoes if you'd like.  Thus a person with ADHD PI: Goal in life IS MONEY, if you want to be FREE. Stimulation MUST come second lest you fall into financial insecurity. Conclusion: Know money, Use it well, Manage it well, Then do what you like.(TBC.)

 

 

                                

 

 

                                                          


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#5 jack black

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Posted 21 June 2018 - 11:09 AM

I'm not convinced money is the ultimate goal and solution. I have money and while it's great and cured some insecurities, but it doesn't buy happiness.


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#6 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 30 June 2018 - 02:38 AM

                                 I'll be posting a few more updates to this, thread for anyone else looking for a comprehensive guide on managing ADHD-PI only. So again this is subject to opinion, but coming from ALOT of experience, the only effective cure is money.  The problem, is the fact that all the progress you make through either medication and hardwork is basically lost, because your unable to sustain the habit and goal long enough. So your basically pushing a boulder up a hill and  no matter how many times you push it up, you will effectively find yourself right back where you started. That's right I'm pretty skeptical even nootropics are enough to give us the functioning that we so deserve. So the NUANCE, is to stop competing with these neurotypicals.It's just pointless utterly fucking pointless. You'll waste your time, energy, and just be in a shit mood all day.  Although you may disagree, hardwork really only helps regulate symptoms it will never be enough. So are dilemma is, how do we win at the game? The game is HEAVILY stacked against us especially because we have a disorder that HALTS progress. Thus we must put all are effective focus to amassing as much capital as possible. If you don't want to be a statistic, or are sick of living like dirt, then it's imperatively key. In conclusion, when you spend money, reframe, it as your spending your FREEDOM.

 

                                                     

                                          Insight 7: Be aware that you won't be able to dictate social situations as well as you want to : Some examples of this, are you make minute social mistakes, you become too passive, if you will and some bullshit happens. So be VERY aware of this in the job fields you pick. Certain jobs DEMAND that you can dictate social situations CONSISTENTLY in your favor. If you fail to recognize this your job will be pure garbage. Trust me on this. Really be picky with your job, ultimately are goal is to be are own boss. Conclusion: Pick your battles carefully or avoid the situations all together

 

                                        Insight 8: Resentment and Envy: We've been through crap after crap situation, you may have resentment and anger because of all the crap you've been through. Recognize that envying other people will do nothing for you. Conclusion: Focus on yourslef

 

                                       Insight 9: Recognize Rejection sensitivity: For me, I've  been burned so many times, I simply do this rejection protection mechanism to protect myself. Recognize that you may have tendencys to stay to yourself because of past rejections. So may call it rejection sensitivity dismophia, I consider this nonsense. Conclusion: Be willing to trust me, theirs no point in being alone forever.

 

                                     Insight 10: LEARN to COMMIT: You will have days where you don't want to do anything, or want something NEW. Fight this tendency and fight it hard.  Commitment is very important despite how annoying it is. Conclusion: Commitment is the foundation of SUCCESS

 

                                   Insight 11: Tradeoffs: Recognize that you don't get to have everything and that certain things require tradeoffs. For example: I have to take a crap med for my job and to make money. The trade off is focus in exchange for loosing social standing with my co-workers which impairs my ability to be social. MEASURE the trade-offs very carefully. 

                                                                    

 

                                  Insight 12: GO BIG AND FAIL HARD: This one sounds counter-intuitive, but really GO as big and ambitious as possible, be aggresive and HUNGRY. People who are aggresive get WHAT THEY WANT.

                                    


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#7 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 02 July 2018 - 04:49 AM

                                               I'll be adding more information, as some point in the future, on a website, rather than simply a thread... This is a pretty good foundation for comprehensive success in managing the disorder if and only if IT'S IMPLEMENTED. Remember this is a disorder of DOING not doing what you know Thus we must DO, as much as possible. 

 

 

                                                                Insight 13: Stop accumulating Information REALLY: This might seem counter-intuitive but really just stop binging information just to get high. Literally thats all your  doing, when you think you will find one more website, for that final answer you never will. Recognize that your brain has tendency's that are NOT IN YOUR INTEREST. Your brains interest don't give a fuck about your long term interests. It only cares about getting HIGH and that's all. Frankly most of the time, that I binge information it's out of sheer laziness to amuse myself, rather than finding productive ways to amuse myself. Although it's more challenging and strenious at time's it's SO much more worth it. The secret is, HAVING too much information causes INFORMATION paralysis, because you have 100x more information than everyone. In conclusion, you don't need anymore information, we've spent our ENTIRE lives binging information, we're literally walking encylclopedia's. I pretend to be stupid all the time because I know that much information. It's better to KNOW nothing, because it will improve your executive deliberation precisely because you won't have as many informations variables to account for subconciously. Conclusion: Be selectively ignorant

 

                                                         Insight 14: Deal with the Fucking Boredom: It's time we stop making excuses just because we are bored. It's true that reading a book is boring and that it requires more work. Truth of the matter is, is that I could probably read it, if I put enough focus. Yet I never do? Why? Simply because we don't want to do the work for it, because the boredom seems too challenging. It's NOT THAT BAD, train yourself like a muscle you can overcome boredom. Granted it will be painful. Above all else recognize that are willpower allows us to attend to boredom for a finite amount of time before our impulsiveness kicks in. Recognize that boredom is apart of the process, so deal with it first and quit fretting you will never escape it. Conclusion: Boredom and boring are apart of the process.

 

                                                       Insight 15:  ADDICTIONS MUST END:  It's time for us to stop relying on addictions from avoiding the HARDWORK that needs to be done. I've had so many years of my life STOLEN from me from various addictions, video games,pornography, binging books, television shoes, internet surfacing, and other pointless activies that I think  matter. Really they don' fucking matter and their just ways to escape your problems. Aren't you sick of dreaming of your dream life, while someone else gets to LIVE IT? Why don't you get to live it? Because your running away from your -problem. I used to be like one of you, I used to watch hundreds of youtube videos, hoping something would change. Nothing ever changed, just a long monotony and hopelessness. I used to invest every waking day to an immaterialistic world that I thought mattered, when it didn't matter. INVEST in the real WORLD, not the digital WORLD. Face your fucking problems like a man, medication or no medication. When your finally insolvent from all addictions, that plague you, you will be in CONTROL. Then you can chase that dream.  Conclusion: Face your problems

 

                                                Insight 16: WHAT IS YOUR AGENDA?: This is the BIGGEST one of all. That realty changed a lot of stuff in my life. What are your goals and how will you get their? What is the purpose of your day? What are YOUR INTERESTS? That's right, be selfish  and be very selfish. You need to look out for yourself. Especially yourself, since at ANY moment you can be screwed. You got two enemies your brain and the world. Neither gives a crude about YOUR interests. Fuck tv, Fuck games and fuck other people's success. Only your success matters. Really  emphasize the VALUE of your time. Does it benefit you and your plan? Will it get you what you want in life? Let no one get in the way of this, not a hot girl, not a friend, not a family member not anyone. You have ONE life and One life only. Don't waste your time away living as a third wheel. When you realize this you will dictate your situations and finally GET WHAT YOU WANT. ADD is all about NOT GETTING What you want. Now with your AGENDA ALWAYS comes first. I don't know about you but I'm sick of not getting what I want. Why does that person get to be successful and NOT YOU? Why should they GET what they want and NOT YOU? Conclusion: What's in it for ME?

 

 

                                              Obviously their will be some disagreements with my list here, keep in mind this is coming from someone who has literally tested theoretically  everything  possible in hope of a CURE, not a wussy treatment. Like some of you, who might still be doormats, who never got what they wanted in life, you need to man up. I used to be treated like shit and still am to a degree. I used to be disrespected and treated like a third peddler, I used to just go in my room everyday. I used to just do as I was told.  Like many of us with this disorder- we probably had crap childhoods, abuse, bullying, antagonism, etc.. We might constantly feel sorry for ourselves and constantly whine how hard are lives are. I used to be like that. Above all I remember just sick and tired of being treated like shit and being see as the lowest common denominator.  I would wonder, why do they get to have what I don't have? Why do I have to settle for less? Does it have to be that way? Isn't their more to life than this? Why don't I stop? Do you ask yourself these questions? I stopped when I went deep inside my mind. Ask yourself. If your anything like me, you probably feel need for revenge and you might feel robbed. Use this energy to fuel you. Fuck everyone else. No one gives a fuck about you. Do the hard work BECAUSE YOUR worth it. Nothing matters EXCEPT YOU and then you feel vilified from a life-time of having to eat dog shit everyday. Seize the moment and LIVE. Goodluck all :)

 

                                                    

                                                 


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#8 jack black

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Posted 03 July 2018 - 08:50 PM

This is good discussion (even if it sounds more like a monologue), because it forces me to acknowledge that i need more planning, deadlines and structure in my life and I was simply too lazy (or too weak executive functions) to implement those no-fun solutions. 

You might be right about the success or social dilemma. when I was young (probably your age or slightly older) I used to be very determined/single minded to succeed (I had 2 discrete time periods in life like that and that was related to educational opportunities) and there was no room or energy for any social life. I was basically an asshole and everyone hated me. Eventually i became burned out, entered depression, felt lonely and decided to seek change. That change did happen, but at the expense of motivation and drive. In my case I can't have both ways. Now, i'm fairly social and engaged into family/romantic life and enjoying it, but would like to function a bit better professionally, too. it's a never ending journey. I'm much more happy now though.


Edited by jack black, 03 July 2018 - 08:51 PM.


#9 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 05:00 AM

       UPDATE: 07/20/2018   9:31 PM   Just so some of you have a context of what has occurred as of late, I ended up quitting my job after about a little over 45 days, partially because of my unhappiness the and the drama that was constantly being built up during my work on almost a regular basis. It  was extremely complex, basically I had alot of women flirt me almost to a rediculious degree and obviously I didn't forniticate with any of them, which now that I reflect back was incredibly stupid. Irrespective of that I would like to illustrate a few significant yet important points about this disorder. I'm in no way taking away responsibility from myself, if anything I need to be more responsible and should have been selectively aware of the job rather than taking upon myself, with the inconsiderate ignorance of understanding how my disorder would eventually destroy everything around me within this job. Keep in mind, I want to give a context for everyone, that you can do everything you can and it simply won't be enough, and I'd also like to demonstrate some of the subliminal effects of the mind and the causal nature of overthinking along with the diminishing returns, I was getting from concerta caused a great degree of unhappiness in myself, because I was always constantly angry, full of depression, incapable of enjoying my life or anything of consequence or importance. The benefits of concerta and the astounding routine, I've built for myself is that it's somewhat automatic for myself now, so it appears you can develop habits to a degree that will stick with you irrespective of the amount of available dopamine that you have. Anyways  after about a year at the university, I'd achieved basically the impossible and I had it pretty good, yet their is this effective sense of dissatisfaction I had within myself which was actually a form of craving new stimulus or novelty. You must fight this urge at all cost, after you do something for long enough you'll feel this repulsion to want to go somewhere else or do something else, fight this urge at all cost, or you will LOSE everything. Period. These periods of familarity and novelty develop precisely because your either not challenged or you haven't fully committed to your major in totality.  Thus you must force commitment to attain at least a semblance of mastery, yet it WILL never be mastery. Rather it's the expectation of commitment that should raise your sufficient competence to the point that it will invariably become natural.Thus I left my university for Valid reasons, more than likely I would have stayed, but the problem was I simply wasn't winning and was sick and tired of not getting what I wanted in life. The job I picked was very detail oriented and I was punished every single day and underminded by my co-workers REGARDLESS, of what I did or didn't do. They'd basically make me feel like crap, or I'd find myself in a passive state because I was unable to fix the problem AFTER PLANNING, AFTER MEDITATION, AFTER WORKING OUT, AFTER NEUROTROPIC STACK, and GOALS. Nothing would fix the issue, even WITH CONCERTA, I was always angry and on a short fuse. I would constantly get reported by one of my co-workers because they basically wanted to get me fired for a number of reasons. One is because I came off as a jerk, precisely  because I refused to open up to other people, simply because I've had to many bad experiences with trusting people, so I trust truly no one in this effective sense, thus this serves as a defense mechanism. I found myself incapable of forming any meangingful relationships simply because of fear of rejection and failure. Yet it's my resolute belief that you NEED to fail big and HARD, I've still yet to fornicate with a girl at 21 EVEN though, I'm rediciously overly developed, with the exception for the fact that ADD will cause you to lack SECURITY. Women are OBSSESSED with security, the moment you get that, is the moment you get ANY women you want. Anyways, the point I'm illustrating was, i always effectively lacked confidence and was constantly being hassled by women because I didn't KNOW what to DO. I had goals to achieve and maintain and being me is a FULL TIME job. Invariably my interm-manager started to pick up on my little mistakes and it just became cumulative damange to my character and my reputation that I'd work so hard to build. Keep in mind all this happend at the most basic job in the world, I was basically a hotel  servant, yet I struggled to FOLD BLANKETS, WELL, CLEAN DETAILED, and would lose stuff alot. Also you might be a blabber mouth at times, I found myself saying to much which invariably destroyed me in the future. Anyways a girl named joevannah, invariably was able to get me reported, a girl of 18 years old, a mere neurotypical outplayed me POLITICALLY, over something incredibly petty, because of my inability to regulate my emotions accordingly. Thus I had the POLICE called on ME, an HONOR STUDENT, who served the university, and I ended loosing everything. Learn from my mistakes, remember you will, have an urge TO LEAVE your job, DO NOT DO that. Great things are achieved through COMMITMENT, NOT half completed projects, you WILL make SMALL MISTAKES, so DON'T take a job with small details, you will SCREW yourself. Like seriously it doesn't matter what you DO, the only thing that helped was a consistent sleep schedule, even then he was going to fire me anyways. Recognize that you aren't a classic wage earner. Recognize that your a LEADER not a follower. I'm a horrible follower and I despise not having my team work my way. Every time I toke charge I had someone undermine me, even though I KNEW I could do the job better than them UNDER MY COMMAND. So you will be WEAK at teamwork, poor emotional regulation places you at a disadvantage in work politics. I got BURNED alot. Remember that you will BE undervalued, and they won't recognize your merit or hard work. It was I who did alot of the work, yet I never got any credit. Above all else recognize, you will feel CHRONICALLY insecure because your whole life you've been a reject, so you WILL FEEL at some point they will FIRE you.  I really battled these thoughts as best as I could, yet what you think is what your reality WILL become. This is a FACT, be very careful what you think. If you begin thinking these thoughts, just quit the job, it's not for you.  If I had done' that I'd been Ok, learn to accept your flaws. Their's only so much you can compensate for.   I really want future people to BE CAREFUL with your work, and don't pretend your normal , you WILL NEVER BE NORMAL. I lost 5000 dollars, became homeless, got suspended from my university, got a restraining order, lost my psychiatrist, battled with depression, lost my reputation, LOST ALL OF MY paycheck to stay afloat, which was for a car, had to move away, lost my summer class units. All this was due to a string of bad decisions, so don't make quick decisions, they often suck. I lost all this because I didn't read the job description and refused to acknowledge, that  I SUCK AT TEAMS. I SUCK as a follower and that's OK. It's not worth your time. If you suck at your job or are being underminded then QUIT on the SPOT. Don't waste your time. The consequences aren't WORTH it. Conclusion:  1. You will miss details 2. You suck at working on a team 3. Your emotions will get the best of you  4. You have rejection sensitivity 5. People fear your creativity  6. Impulsive decisions are BAD decisions.  Solution: 1. Start A Business 2. DO NOT WORK ON TEAMS  3. BE THE LEADER 4. Recognize signs early and QUIT  5. People DGAF about YOU  6. DOG EAT DOG WORLD 7.  COMMIT, COMMIT, COMMIT. 8. Don't let people undermine you constantly, if they do and the boss does nothing. Then the job isn't for YOU. 9. If you wish to be a wage- earner, choose a HIGH PRESSURE JOB, working ALONE.

 

 

                                                        I hope you guys learn from my mistakes, because when you LOSE, you LOOOSE HARD. I lost everything to an 18 year old little kid. She's making 5k while I'm homeless, who's the winner, here YOU TELL ME. Even though I've DEVELOPED Myself and she is AVERAGE.  Be VERY CRITICAL of what you do. Goodluck :)


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#10 Mind_Paralysis

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 10:16 AM

       UPDATE: 07/20/2018   9:31 PM   Just so some of you have a context of what has occurred as of late, I ended up quitting my job after about a little over 45 days, partially because of my unhappiness the and the drama that was constantly being built up during my work on almost a regular basis. It  was extremely complex, basically I had alot of women flirt me almost to a rediculious degree and obviously I didn't forniticate with any of them, which now that I reflect back was incredibly stupid. Irrespective of that I would like to illustrate a few significant yet important points about this disorder. I'm in no way taking away responsibility from myself, if anything I need to be more responsible and should have been selectively aware of the job rather than taking upon myself, with the inconsiderate ignorance of understanding how my disorder would eventually destroy everything around me within this job. Keep in mind, I want to give a context for everyone, that you can do everything you can and it simply won't be enough, and I'd also like to demonstrate some of the subliminal effects of the mind and the causal nature of overthinking along with the diminishing returns, I was getting from concerta caused a great degree of unhappiness in myself, because I was always constantly angry, full of depression, incapable of enjoying my life or anything of consequence or importance. The benefits of concerta and the astounding routine, I've built for myself is that it's somewhat automatic for myself now, so it appears you can develop habits to a degree that will stick with you irrespective of the amount of available dopamine that you have. Anyways  after about a year at the university, I'd achieved basically the impossible and I had it pretty good, yet their is this effective sense of dissatisfaction I had within myself which was actually a form of craving new stimulus or novelty. You must fight this urge at all cost, after you do something for long enough you'll feel this repulsion to want to go somewhere else or do something else, fight this urge at all cost, or you will LOSE everything. Period. These periods of familarity and novelty develop precisely because your either not challenged or you haven't fully committed to your major in totality.  Thus you must force commitment to attain at least a semblance of mastery, yet it WILL never be mastery. Rather it's the expectation of commitment that should raise your sufficient competence to the point that it will invariably become natural.Thus I left my university for Valid reasons, more than likely I would have stayed, but the problem was I simply wasn't winning and was sick and tired of not getting what I wanted in life. The job I picked was very detail oriented and I was punished every single day and underminded by my co-workers REGARDLESS, of what I did or didn't do. They'd basically make me feel like crap, or I'd find myself in a passive state because I was unable to fix the problem AFTER PLANNING, AFTER MEDITATION, AFTER WORKING OUT, AFTER NEUROTROPIC STACK, and GOALS. Nothing would fix the issue, even WITH CONCERTA, I was always angry and on a short fuse. I would constantly get reported by one of my co-workers because they basically wanted to get me fired for a number of reasons. One is because I came off as a jerk, precisely  because I refused to open up to other people, simply because I've had to many bad experiences with trusting people, so I trust truly no one in this effective sense, thus this serves as a defense mechanism. I found myself incapable of forming any meangingful relationships simply because of fear of rejection and failure. Yet it's my resolute belief that you NEED to fail big and HARD, I've still yet to fornicate with a girl at 21 EVEN though, I'm rediciously overly developed, with the exception for the fact that ADD will cause you to lack SECURITY. Women are OBSSESSED with security, the moment you get that, is the moment you get ANY women you want. Anyways, the point I'm illustrating was, i always effectively lacked confidence and was constantly being hassled by women because I didn't KNOW what to DO. I had goals to achieve and maintain and being me is a FULL TIME job. Invariably my interm-manager started to pick up on my little mistakes and it just became cumulative damange to my character and my reputation that I'd work so hard to build. Keep in mind all this happend at the most basic job in the world, I was basically a hotel  servant, yet I struggled to FOLD BLANKETS, WELL, CLEAN DETAILED, and would lose stuff alot. Also you might be a blabber mouth at times, I found myself saying to much which invariably destroyed me in the future. Anyways a girl named joevannah, invariably was able to get me reported, a girl of 18 years old, a mere neurotypical outplayed me POLITICALLY, over something incredibly petty, because of my inability to regulate my emotions accordingly. Thus I had the POLICE called on ME, an HONOR STUDENT, who served the university, and I ended loosing everything. Learn from my mistakes, remember you will, have an urge TO LEAVE your job, DO NOT DO that. Great things are achieved through COMMITMENT, NOT half completed projects, you WILL make SMALL MISTAKES, so DON'T take a job with small details, you will SCREW yourself. Like seriously it doesn't matter what you DO, the only thing that helped was a consistent sleep schedule, even then he was going to fire me anyways. Recognize that you aren't a classic wage earner. Recognize that your a LEADER not a follower. I'm a horrible follower and I despise not having my team work my way. Every time I toke charge I had someone undermine me, even though I KNEW I could do the job better than them UNDER MY COMMAND. So you will be WEAK at teamwork, poor emotional regulation places you at a disadvantage in work politics. I got BURNED alot. Remember that you will BE undervalued, and they won't recognize your merit or hard work. It was I who did alot of the work, yet I never got any credit. Above all else recognize, you will feel CHRONICALLY insecure because your whole life you've been a reject, so you WILL FEEL at some point they will FIRE you.  I really battled these thoughts as best as I could, yet what you think is what your reality WILL become. This is a FACT, be very careful what you think. If you begin thinking these thoughts, just quit the job, it's not for you.  If I had done' that I'd been Ok, learn to accept your flaws. Their's only so much you can compensate for.   I really want future people to BE CAREFUL with your work, and don't pretend your normal , you WILL NEVER BE NORMAL. I lost 5000 dollars, became homeless, got suspended from my university, got a restraining order, lost my psychiatrist, battled with depression, lost my reputation, LOST ALL OF MY paycheck to stay afloat, which was for a car, had to move away, lost my summer class units. All this was due to a string of bad decisions, so don't make quick decisions, they often suck. I lost all this because I didn't read the job description and refused to acknowledge, that  I SUCK AT TEAMS. I SUCK as a follower and that's OK. It's not worth your time. If you suck at your job or are being underminded then QUIT on the SPOT. Don't waste your time. The consequences aren't WORTH it. Conclusion:  1. You will miss details 2. You suck at working on a team 3. Your emotions will get the best of you  4. You have rejection sensitivity 5. People fear your creativity  6. Impulsive decisions are BAD decisions.  Solution: 1. Start A Business 2. DO NOT WORK ON TEAMS  3. BE THE LEADER 4. Recognize signs early and QUIT  5. People DGAF about YOU  6. DOG EAT DOG WORLD 7.  COMMIT, COMMIT, COMMIT. 8. Don't let people undermine you constantly, if they do and the boss does nothing. Then the job isn't for YOU. 9. If you wish to be a wage- earner, choose a HIGH PRESSURE JOB, working ALONE.

 

 

                                                        I hope you guys learn from my mistakes, because when you LOSE, you LOOOSE HARD. I lost everything to an 18 year old little kid. She's making 5k while I'm homeless, who's the winner, here YOU TELL ME. Even though I've DEVELOPED Myself and she is AVERAGE.  Be VERY CRITICAL of what you do. Goodluck :)

 

Could you by chance shorten this down to a more ADHD-friendly version...? It's quite hard to take this much text in.
 


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#11 jack black

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 08:56 PM

i actually read that all (being well rested on weekend). was it a stream of dictation? 

this made me curious what happened with that 18 year old girl. C'mon we want to learn from your mistakes too.

I'm thinking you have more than ADHD. at leat ADHD+ASD, maybe even ADHD+BPD or ADHD+BP.

Take Dr Amen's test:  https://brainhealthassessment.com

 


Edited by jack black, 21 July 2018 - 08:59 PM.

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#12 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 22 July 2018 - 12:55 AM

 To be clear, No I don't have ADHD, I have ADD, these are two DISTINCT and separate disorders. The only other co-morbidity that I had was obviously,  was a general anxiety disorder, which is questionable but probable. My social skills are very very good, it was only the concerta which impaired my social skills and which invariably caused the deterioration of my social relationships the minute I  was forced to medicate myself, which obviously generated a cycle, of depression, anger and rage. Concerta makes you antisocial, although I'm introverted it makes me more so than normal. Irrespective of that I will continue updating this thread, so that it should serve as a reference thread for others who struggle from what I struggle with. 

 

 

                                                    Some key observations, that very important to high functioning,is you NEED to be very organized, this isn't negotiable, it's mandatory. I'm currently working on developing an organization scaffold similar to the neurotypicals, which should soothe the anxiety issues. Are organization scaffolds, typically develop with respect to putting things in bags and boxes and having clutter constantly sitting in the line of site with us. Finally we have no sense of aesthetic glory, we function off only practicality purposes and bland colors. Which I find have been very ingrained within my character. Thus the functional correction, is designing a habit SYSTEM, that allows to be VERY organized. The more organized you are the BETTER focused you ARE. If you look like crap you'll feel it subconsciously speaking. Second Observation is the fact, that all of my stuff keeps falling apart very quickly forcing me to constantly have to replace, it thus we have tendency's to be careless with are stuff, thus causing us to lose vast quantities of money which we need for a CURE. We don't want to lose money as it's the key to the cure for the disorder. This I have yet to figure out how to resolve. It appears that this disorder is effects are incredibly pervasive and more vast than even I could have anticipated. It effects everything I do it appears in some respect or another. Thus the solution is to make macro-routine systems FOR EVERYTHING, you do or you'll fuck yourself. This is a reoccurring trend in my life, which I've finally managed to combat. YOU MUST ROUTINE EVERYTHING. It all must be planned routine and regulated. Don't ever relax, don't go off your structure even for a moment, your a robot. 3rd Observation, is poor ability to identify emotional states and being able to regulate them. Thus the problem here, is are brains suppress these emotions, because their incredibly intense, thus it's my hypothesis, that the emotional response from are amygada is impaired. Which we give impaired emotional reactions to specific situations. I'm going to be going to a therapist to develop neurotypical responses to emulate moderate emotional reactions, through ROUTINE. Routine works because it requires no EXECUTIVE action.  Solutions: 1. Developing An Organized Routine 2. Have Designated item's for wear and tear  3.Develop Emotional routines to release your emotions Bonus :) : To Avoid deadline adrenaline days, You TURN YOUR WORK IN EARLY.


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#13 CWF1986

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Posted 22 July 2018 - 05:46 AM

^

 

I appreciate your input, but keep in mind that my adhd isn't your adhd.  In a very similar vein that not everyone experiences depression in the same way regarding things like the most prominent symptoms and the way people cope with their disorders.

 

Regarding concerta, it's a fantastic positive life changing medicine for some people.  I'm very sorry it didn't work out for you.  It might also be that your anxiety was left untreated and when that's the case stimulants can ramp up anxiety into overdrive.  A frequent strategy to overcome this difficulty is taking an SSRI along with the stimulant medication.  There are other medication types that work for GAD too.  I have ADHD, GAD, and depression and I take an antidepressant with adderall and it helps a lot with reducing adderall sides and the GAD and depression.  With the adderall taken with the antidepressant, the adderall doesn't leave me keyed up, I don't snap at coworkers or customers, I don't hyperfocus and the comedown from the adderall at the end of the day isn't nearly as harsh. It may also be that you were on too high of a dose.  

 

There are also non-stimulant options.  FDA approved are Intunive, Kapvay, and Strattera.  There's also some antidepressants that have shown to be effective in many cases.  

 

Also, my understanding of the DSM-V is that there is only ADHD.  The sub-categories of ADHD are predominantly hyperactive, predominantly inattentive, and combined.  

 

If at all possible, I would find a competent psychotherapist.  They can help you find and employ effective coping strategies that will help you as an individual for your individual situations and challenges.

 

As far as young women that misbehave, the best thing you can do is to avoid and ignore as much as possible while still being civil and polite.  If you have to work with them keep all conversation related to the job and only do that if it's needed to do the job.  Be mindful of body language and try to keep it closed without being straight up rude.  If you're finding you can't do this, then excuse yourself by saying you need to go to the restroom.  Once your there, cool off, splash some water on your face if need be, and rethink what your next move is.  Without knowing any details, that's really the most I can say about that.  


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#14 jack black

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Posted 22 July 2018 - 04:40 PM

 

 

As far as young women that misbehave, the best thing you can do is to avoid and ignore as much as possible while still being civil and polite.  If you have to work with them keep all conversation related to the job and only do that if it's needed to do the job.  Be mindful of body language and try to keep it closed without being straight up rude.  If you're finding you can't do this, then excuse yourself by saying you need to go to the restroom.  Once your there, cool off, splash some water on your face if need be, and rethink what your next move is.  Without knowing any details, that's really the most I can say about that.  

 

that reminds me a few times when a woman found her way into my bed and I didn't think it was a good idea (being in a relationship or married, etc). I would go to a restroom, do something you can imagine, and then I was better equipped to deal with the situation.


Edited by jack black, 22 July 2018 - 04:41 PM.

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#15 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 29 July 2018 - 01:28 AM

                               Update: 07-28-2018

 

                                                Some updates,I've been off medication for 2 weeks, things have been going fairly well, and I've been very consistent with basically everything as of today. Moving to Idaho, is a very tough decision to make and ultimately being responsible is very tough. I've effectively internalized all my habits. I've routinized everything, so it appears if you DO, do something long enough and consistently enough, then it WILL become automatic only up to the extent by which you maintain the habit. That's right most habits require maintenance, so that they remain automatic, most of the changes that I've developed about myself, have been fairly permanent from my observations. PMO and nofap are pseudosciences, I can 100% verify this now coming from 350 days of experience. Meditation, I've still yet to truly do every single day,since it's such a difficult practice to implement on a regular basis. I feel my life has been basically destroyed, however so I wouldn't  take anything for granted. I have not many insights, rather I'd like you all to learn from these mistakes, so that you don't REPEAT, the stupidity that I've repeated.   I will offer a few more insights that may help. I'm now basically going to have a permanent therapist, or executive coach for the rest of my life, to assist me, because I feel I may have reached my absolute limits, on what I can do to remedy this disorder. I'm also currently working on developing a document for neurostack as well. Most of my endeavors feel pointless frankly, But I will do it irrespective of the potential outcomes.Here's a few insights...from these 2 weeks.. 

 

 

                                                  Insight 17: Avoid Overly Helpful People-  I've met this lady I'm staying with and only Now do I understand the dependence relationship. Basically how it works, is that they will constantly offer you stuff on a almost regular basis, they will to do everything for you. AVOID these PEOPLE like CANCER, don't take their HELP , IT BUILDS DEPENDENCE AND MAKES YOU WEAK. That's right it does because these people will PLAY on your passive nature at time's in order to limit you. They do this because they fear you or another trend I notice is people help you because you seem incapable. Tell these people to GF themselves. People in my life like this HAVE limited me unknowingly because I wasn't aware of it's over and perverted damnage. It SEEMS harmless but it'S NOT. It's like video games, they seem LIKE FUN and good way to pass time, but you will WASTE your LIFE. 

 

                                              Insight 18:  AVOID LAZY underachieving losers- I'm sorry but these people sicken me, I've been down this path and they will typically feel insecure, that your successful and they aren't. Fuck these people. They WILL rub on you if you don't CHECK THEM. 

                                             INSIGHT 19: DO IT ANYWAYS- Just DO IT, FORCE YOURSELF, Use visualization, I've been doing this and it's been fairly useful. Obviously I'm not to where i was before, but I'm ok with that I will keep striving towards my goals.

 

                                            Insight 20: BE A MAN: Stop making excuses, it's your FAULT, it's always your fault, stop blaming other people for YOUR PROBLEM. Screw the disorder, it's STILL YOUR FAULT, even though your not NORMAL. Their are not DAMN excuses. None, I quit and made a bad decision that my FAULT and mine alone, irrespective of the outcome that occurred. It doesn't matter how much crap happens, it's ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS your fault. 2. Have LOTS OF SEX, I don't know about you, but their something weird about being a grown man and being on a mission with no pussy. It's like going to war without a sail. When you have NOTHING, your motivation is money and pussy. This might seem super trivial and unimportant and you might DISAGREE A LOT. I'm not saying obsess over it nor do I recommend being a creep. Without tv, or any classical entertainment, this becomes your mission. Your mission is to achieve a goal, which fulfills you which attracts attention. Remember guys SEX sells. The simple reason being is because it's what drives society.. So don't PRETEND, it'll just come along, it WON'T. You have to get it. I'm starting to realize this barely. Ultimately this is why we do anything, subconsciously we earn money to make a living to afford security, by which affords us the ability to procreate. Now obviously this might be controversial, but remember without all the distractions and life, their are only a few constants in life. Money, Goals, Status, Prestige and women. This were what I call the original motivators.  Recognize your primal purpose and USE  it. 

 

 

 

                                

 

                          Remember this life is tough, I haven't had fun in a long time, but this is good. Being responsible isn't about fun, it's about long term fun, for the day when I can AFFORD, to do what I want WHEN i want. Your going to be bored. This is a fact. Your going to feel robotic. Your going to just want to do nothing. It doesn't matter, you just do it. I've been perpetually  alone for a long time, now it can be a cold and hollow existence but their is more to it. You just need patience. It's been my hope with this thread, to help other's, take my advice with your disgression with what works and what doesn't. Goodluck  :-D

 

 

 

                                   


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#16 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 30 July 2018 - 03:42 PM

                                                07-30-2018

 

 

                                                                      I would have liked to add this to another same post..but their isn't any edit button. Can we add that functionality in at some points mods? ;)

 

                                                                    Insight 21:  SLEEP AT THE SAME TIME: This one is weird and I've barely been developing this habit BUT ALWAYS SLEEP AT THE SAME TIME AND WAKE UP AT THE TIME TIME. It's SOOO important and will give you a good sense of predictability in your life.Like once it's 10, I STOP everything NO MATTER WHAT. Do it, it works  :-D .                                

                                                                   Insight 22: Follow the same ROUTINE, NO MATTER WHAT: This will give you the necessary moment needed to set up a successful day. Remember how you start your day is how you will end it.

                                                                   Insight 23: ALL OR NOTHING ROUTINE: This one is harder but it matches are thinking. If your going to do a ROUTINE, DO IT ALL THE WAY, not half, not a quarter, not a third, ALL THE WAY. You'll thank yourself later.

 

                                                                                         I hope this thread helps, you all deal with the ADD-Primarility Inattentive, it is manageable but will take work. :)


Edited by DrewMichael21, 30 July 2018 - 03:44 PM.

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#17 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 31 July 2018 - 04:29 AM

                                       7/30/2018

 

                                                      I will be making one final update to this thread on one LAST EFFORT, to hopefully dispel the curse. My hopes are minimal at best, however they may bear fruitation, as I consider myself a very high functioning individual. Irrespective of this, I shall do these two efforts, probably in vain to create a cognitive dissonance if you will. I will be meditating every single day for 15 minutes no matter what, simply due to the fact, that I've repeatedly failed  to do this. Finally it appears to be a commonality,  that people with this cognitive disorder, suffer from chronic externalization of thought. Literally I talk to myself, all day everyday, no matter what. I'm capable of stopping myself from talking outloud but I typically enjoy it because it gives me an escape from reality. Yet it's the condition and externalization of overanalysis that leads information paralysis....Goal 1: Meditate everyday for 15 minutes Goal 2: No Talking outloud.  I will report my results in two weeks time Which should be about august 14 when discover the results. Should this fail, then I hope this thread is helpful to all. It's my best efforts in vain to ascend the conditions that plague me. Thus, the only condition left is to explore the rigor of the outdoors to find my answer that eludes me. Wish me luck : :mellow:


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#18 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 06 August 2018 - 12:55 PM

 08-06-2018 Noted: It's been more difficult than anticipated, to stop talking to myself I very much enjoy it, since it keeps me sane. The meditation I've started later than normal, So I'll report back in a month after FINALLY doing it after much hesitation.  In other new's vitamin B seem to be helping more than anticipated. I don't feel as drained or mentally exhausted as I normally am. At some point, I'd like to update for my stack. I do not recommend Choline it makes you a needy girl with chronic anxiety, stay away from it. My functioning seems to be increasing than before. It's not consistent. Until next time  :-D.


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#19 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 31 August 2018 - 12:35 AM

                                               08-30-2018 Greetings longecity forum, So as promised I will report back to what occurred during my experience and what can we learn from this? I've still been unable to effectively integrate meditation into my daily routine, since it's been so difficult to attain. I stopped talking to myself for a while and saw a modest improvement in being able to dictate situations better, but I felt rather off I suppose. So my conclusion is that neither of these factors work at all and I've basically exhausted everything I can possible due at this point. So what ended up happening? Well I ended up getting another apartment after being stuck with a person who seemed to want to help me rather excessively which was incredibly annoying and then I ended up getting a car with 2 jobs. Like always, I ended loosing my first job due to me hitting on girls and they ended up reporting me, so the winco company requested that I no longer comeback to work. So this isn't a particular surprise, since at that point I'd been going on Nofap for 2 months consecutive and still no improvements. Anyways nofap doesn't do shit at all neither does meditation nor does disengaging from your thoughts. After getting laid off I quit my second job and have vowed never to work again unless I KNOW For a fact that I will be getting job security. Finally I relapsed on PMO cause I no longer really cared anymore, since nothing was really happening to begin with. I'll be re-breaking the habit once again for the 50th time. Every time you break a habit it does become easier over time. So what can I report to you? I can really report nothing, after going off medication for about a month and half I simply stagnated and found myself simply floating through life really making no progress. I mean my life was ok I guess, but the quality of life I had on medication is NOT even COMPARABLE. It's like night and DAY, my gains at the gym stopped my ability to be able to be consistent became gradually impaired and every moment of my day was a constant battle to regulate myself. Impulsive spending still plagues me and ultimately this is blocking me from wealth. So I'm officially done with this no-win situation. It really doesn't matter what I do. So I've decided to apply for disability which I qualify for and will be getting PASSIVE INCOME and food stamps which will be nice :). What does no medication get you? Let me tell you, I LOST my job, lost 2 months worth of paycheck, they suspended me from my own campus, I lost my dance team, my laptop,  LOST my consistency which I LOVE, structure gradually fell apart, LOST ALL MY CONNECTIONS BY LEAVING THE STATE, reputation was irreversibly ruined. Literally when I was off medication I'd get shit ton of parking tickets, have tons of mental fatigue,  inability to get as much stuff done as before, much more impulsive, I mean literally the list goes on and on. The social vibe shit doesn't even matter, BECAUSE i still found myself ALONE people will only care about you if you do something otherwise they dont give a fuck about you. It's really true if your successful you'll find yourself having magic friends, when I was a somebody. I simply don't care anymore, about the bullshit of society.  You best be very careful how to manage your disorder. I'm also seeing a therapist and it's been largely useless as well. My only goal now is to make money and OPT out of the system. I truly don't give a fuck. Your damned if YOU DO and your damned if you don't. Now, what is are mission as an ADHD community? Are mission should be to get legislation and laws that give us an ADVANTAGE to equalize the playing field against these neurotypical motherfuckers. So where am I now you might ask? I don't know and I don't care anymore. Even if I finish my degree and do everything possible it'll be pointless regardless. I recommend you liberate yourself from society and become a nomad. As long as you shackle yourself to the neurotypical society you will always fail no matter what you do, you will have sleepless nights and you will cry. You will feel empty and you will wake up and you will do it again until you die. This must be what it's like to be a sociopath. Sociopaths feel NO EMOTION they get no feeling and they will never ever experience it. We have a similar issue, we experience NO FUCKING reward from life, hence emptiness. So my friends, where does that leave you and I? What it means, is we must push for a cure, unless we find one you and I will continue to leave a meaningless existence where we makeup shit to make yourself feel better. I have exhausted everything and I don't know, I wish you all well :). Goodluck your going to need it.


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#20 jack black

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Posted 31 August 2018 - 02:51 PM

so, what was the medication that helped you and why did you stop it?


Edited by jack black, 31 August 2018 - 02:51 PM.


#21 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 01 September 2018 - 04:58 PM

     I was taking 36 mg concerta and it wans't because I stopped taking it, it's because it gradually lost it's effect to me, I toke 2 concerta yesterday and it gave me the familiar power that I had before that. Granted, non of my psychiatrists within my region would give me a new script and basically none would even take my insurance, either so this ended up being a vicious cycle which ultimately led to my downfall, which ended up in me loosing my job in the process as well.  So, your answer is, that it wasn't on purpose.


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#22 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 07 September 2018 - 05:11 AM

                                       09-6-2018

 

                                                                   Another update to this thread. The questions you all are wondering where am I and how is everything going. To answer this question  as respectively as possible, it's been going fairly bad. In what respective extent have factors changed that have developed my progression over the long haul and why is it relevant. Well the first thing to keep in mind, I got fired from the most basic job in the world, once again because I was flirting with the girls and it ended up backfiring on me for god knows, how many times this is happend to me. A big factor that has prevented me from being successful obviously, is that I'm my own worst enemy at times,  as you all know ADHD, affects your own regulation of behavior and causes poor impulse decision making relativistic to your own social standing. So their is probably a cap on how far you can go socially it seems to me. What will I do now? Well basically I'm bleeding money like crazy and my tendencies to destroy everything have been put into remission, since i'll soon be getting a new prescription. It's highly improbable that I will ever go off medication ever again. If you've been following this thread then you will realize, that a rediculious amount of stuff has happend to me over  along period of time, and everything DID in fact fall apart  after going off my medication after a time. So for those of you wanting to live a good life, I implore you to  stay medicated and maintain your proper dopamine levels,because when you lose on ADD you lose big time. Another factor I've realized as of late, is that my success with women has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm not attractive rather it has to do with the fact that I'm a poor provider. If your like me and chronically single then nothing you do will really matter unto the point in which you finally have a stable income which is ruined because of are own implicit need to have a desire for new things to constantly and chronically speaking. Thus, what have I learned after my traumatic experience in San Jose? Well to be clear, you should be transparent about your own dysfunction rather than pretending to be something your not lest you face the horrible repercussions of failure and much more. Ultimately I probably should have just  stayed in san jose instead of going to another state. Everything in my new life is basically meaningless and pointless. I'm very much looking for this year to end, So that I can move back onto the campus and hopefully finally find a stable join that I can call my own. Now if I had stayed in San Jose I would have kept all my connections and much more but implicitly speaking the causal damage that I did was irreversible. My stack has been basically useless and it's probably  a placebo like everything else. My life is basically empty and pointless and my quality of LIFE is WAY lower than anything that I had before. So what can you learn from me, if your looking for a decision or been hurt by your work take time and reflect because when ADD anger get's ahold of you, you will MAKE some very bad decisions that will ruin you permanently. 

 

 

 

                                            1. What can be learned? Just stay on your medication, it's really that simple, being off medication your life will be a nightmare of epic proportions, it's not even funny.                                  2.  What about your structure? From the year and half of structure that I've developed it appears that your mind DOES NOT internalize your habits to the point to where it's automatic. Thus, you will need periodic maintenance of your habits. Thus, I have verifiable PROOF that are brains do indeed have dsyfunction of executive deficits because their should have been a threshold POINT within my brain in which I should be consistent. It still fails. Thus, recognize that habits will only go so far and you need to maintain them or you will lose it, their really is no away around this factor.

                                           3. What about progress? It appears that we are doomed in the respective sense of making progress, despite all my efforts and suffering it meant nothing. It all fell apart horribly and it will fall apart of you. So rather, than seeking or having delusions of granduer it may be best if you wish to accept medicority, you will save yourself a lot of suffering, more so than I did. However, I probably will continue to deny this even, though progress is negated by the disorder. In what sense is it negated? It's negated in the sense, that their WILL come a point where you will no longer make any improvements because those executive improvements require REWARDS that no longer implictly exist within your mind. You will hit your wall, as I've mind, so embrace being  a master of none, that's all you will ever be master of . I promise.

                                           4. Will I have happy relationships? WIll you? That remains to be seen, if your a non-classical adhd you will alienate yourself implicitly through the stupidn comments that you make rather than what you should be censoring. The default effect is you won't get any promotions. Your girlfriend? Don't bother, you offer no security no nothing you look like a loser. Your friends? You will have some but they will be an unconventional sort.

 

                                         5. Conclusion: The conclusion is that you will experience a mediocre existence, far less than your neurotypical counter parts. Their is no implicit way to win. Unforuntalely we were dealt a deadly hand, and no one gives a damn. Frankly, It doesn't really matter in the end does it? Your here and you live, so live your life and derive meaning in anyway you can. Just remember, that your quality of life experience will be vastly inferior to your neurotypical counter parts.  I'm 21 and likely will not own a house for a long time nor have a spouse because of the causal damage caused, yet I will continue to strive for glory probably in vain. I recommend you find your own meaning in existence, however tasteless it may be. In the end we all will die, and no one will remember you nor I nor this post. Everything is temporary and my journey through college has been an amazing realization how genetics and executive problems can destroy your life. It's amazing how my life hasn't really been my life, rather it's a primordial problem and defect of my own genes. It was never really  my fault. It's not your fault either.  Rather we've been dealt a horrid  hand that choosen your destiny. Yet I wonder about the life I should have rather than the pointless life I live.. Despite all my suffering and anguish above all I grieve for the life I never got to know. It's as if I died before I was even born. This my friends, is the greatest evil of this disorder. No neurotypical will ever understand this nor should they. Your life course wasn't  your own. No amount of medication can fix the dreams destroyed nor the visions we have. It will never account for your spirit.  Take delight and live your life well because you will live a life like no other. As for myself, I look forward to the day when I'm done for this curse that i never wanted. You know? It's respectively surprising that when you have your pinnacle of success, that still felt no joy, I felt nothing, I felt only the emptyiness of my mind. I hope this thread has been useful to awakening more minds to the evil of this chronic dysfunction. Goodluck.


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#23 Deaden

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Posted 08 September 2018 - 05:24 PM

Shut up idiot LMAOOO


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#24 LazyDave

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Posted 09 September 2018 - 01:09 PM

Hi Michael,

I'm David from the Netherlands also diagnosed with this disorder ADHD-C (or rather PI), OCD, anxiety, depression at the age of 30 (current age) and i can understand you're struggling. Thanks, I've learned a lot from this topic, it was the main reason i joined LongeCity just to give a reaction. You're last post(s) though are rather depressing, although I can relate and I agree almost entirely. I'm experiencing a mediocre existence were almost everything becomes a fuckup. At you're age I always have thought it was normal the way I was and behaved, with all these ADHD symptoms. Also the indecisiveness, its just hell. My executive functions are impaired. In the past few years it has become evident that something is way wrong, hence the diagnose. Just like you said I dont own a home, no work, having no driving license, no friends, can't hold relationships, never had a girlfriend. I missed out on so many things just because of ADHD. I guess. Also just floathing through life. It is rather depressing. I'm on Dexamphetamine medication, and tried some other medication (Ritalin, Strattera) in the past. It is helping quite a bit, I want to give Ritalin and Strattera maybe another change in the near future. But do you really think it is impossible to have a normal life without medication? Because I've managed to do so fairly well. And what if medication stops working? I would really like to come in contact with you and to know you're YouTube channel. Thanks, ill be following you. Take care.   Greetings David

 

p.s. I'm sorry for errors in text. I don't type English that often. Like everything becomes a fuckup, I didn't read the LongeCity email that well stating I need to introduce myself first in order to give replies. Also I can't understand why Deaden gives such a harsh reply? Michael is just right about everything he writes.

 


Edited by LazyDave, 09 September 2018 - 01:13 PM.


#25 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 09 September 2018 - 04:00 PM

                  09-9-2018

 

                                                I will continue to update this thread, constantly to give an active contribution to ADHD community who's lives are all being ruined in some respective  sense. Ultimately are own should be to accomplish what the neurotypicals have accomplished yet we should accomplish this in another respective sense. Thus, are imperative is to overcomb the ADHD wall that seems to be blocking us from the higher ethcolons of achievements, is indeed the highest mission, which I've mentioning from almost day one. Hi, Davw I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, the first thing you need to do is get away from this lazy or objective floating that you will find within your own life. It's implicitly important to do so, or you will squander vasts amount of time that you will never get back. This is another factor to the evil of this disorder, we have tendency's to float around and not really do anything, hence loosing non-refundable time. I appreciate the support for this thread. Feel free to share it and reference to it if you wish. Like I said most everything is near placebo, I've already done it all. Anyways, here is my youtube  feel free to subscribe :)


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#26 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 09 September 2018 - 09:03 PM

  Also since, it won't let me update the the existing post, I didn't respond to your existing question as well I should have.  First off, I'm not claiming it's impossible to live a normal life, rather it's unlikely you will live up to the life you believe you were destinied to live. You will experience chronic failure, probably get a girlfriend later than most people, hop job to job,have an excess amount of interests, be prone to addictions and so much more. This isn't what I would call the good life. The greatest evil of this disorder is that it will rob you of your time, relationships, long term goals and so much more. This doesn't remain extacly pertinent because you will find yourself like at your age, not having accomplished anything of consequence through no fault of your own. Other than the implicit lack of reward to be able to do a task for a long period of time. You might never have a career that you want and will suffer from entry level to entry level job  being your neurotypical manager doesn't understand how you function.Despite the fact that if you could applicate all that you know, you would be disgusting over-qualified relative to his own medicore existence. Frankly if I had ADD and could execute all that I know, I would easily be in the 1% and it would almost be unfair. So, you need to realize, that you have been floating through life with a frankly not fun existence. I mean I don't really need to tell you. Your living with this disorder, so you tell me is it worth it? Would you rather go unmedicated?  Look at my posts and learn.   The comparison isn't even real or comparable, just know this you will one day fall back into your addictions, once you go off medication and you will feel like your cured like I thought I was until i invariably had everything fall apart. It was an absolutely horrible, experience. On medication ive been working out for a year and can deadlift 350, off it I'm not consistent and start loosing my gains if you will. The best compromise that I've come to the closest to normal is going on medication for a while and then half off days, this will give you the closest to normal. You will have the majority of your work done while being able to go off it, when you don't need  to do as much. This is a realistic compromise that I've come to live with. Coming  from an addicting personality, I've suffered from chronic addictions, pornograhy, gaming, informaiton binging, using people, interrupting them, quitting halfway, avoidng my problems, feeling chronically negative. You will find yourself passive and reactionary and find your life being dictated by other people due to their higher emotional regulaiton. There are so many things that you have impaired, that it's not even funny. Like not even funny at all. Think of it this way,  would you run aganist a normal person with 2 perfect legs and act like your normal with one leg and act proud while you lose the race or would you do what a smart person would do and get an artificial leg and get semblance of normalcy. Ultimately that's your decision. Your ADD will costs you thousands and thousands of dollars, you will find yourself in debt, no job security, no pussy, isolated, you will have delusionary ambitions and never achieve it while the neurotypicals will get to live it. Everything I'm telling you I've had happen to me, every last thing.  I don't know about you but I have no intention of being a  38 year old dude that pretends everthing is ok, when your living a dirt existence. Then you will tell yourself one day,  "it's ok I follow my own path." Thats what I used to tell myself, what does that get you? It means you will always be a loser. It's that simple, I'm speaking strictly only for ADHD-PI because this is an entirely different beast, than the classical ADHD, which I would LOVE, to have because I would actually be able to channel the excess energy into an approapriate funnel.  You know what? You know what adhd gets you ? It gets you being a single loser, despite being shreded, being disciplined and I'm frankly better than other people.  Yet I still get rejected by glorious women, who aren't on my level. This has nothing to do with ego, rather it illustrates that all that you are and do mean nothing unless you have something you can demonstrate in value to another person. If you didn't have your handicap, you'd be a monster I promise you.  So no i don't believe in hope. I believe in getting results and drugs get me results.  You can be the proud guy with type  diabetes who will live a crap life and sugar spikes because he's too proud to take what works. If their was something else that worked, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Their IS NOTHING else, anyone who says so is a liar. Stacks are a myth, I've already experimented with 2000 dollars worth of stacks, they are useless.  Have you ever wondered why neurotypicals hate that we get these pills? They HATE it because it allows us to actually compete and BEAT them. The moment I could focus I destroyed everyone in my path, like it wasn't even funny. I had more discipline, more control, more stamina, and above all I could APPLY what I KNEW for once. Just today i wreckt a guy in debate about stupid neoliberalism, because I had control over my own dichotomy. Control is everything . Pills=control , No PILL=NO CONTROL. Like I said, I don't see why you would gimp yourself in a dog eat dog world. No one cares about you, they don't care what happens. They pretend to care, so you won't make change. No one cared what happend to me, and the vast sums of money I lost. ADHD means you have the possibility of being an underachieving, addicted, no discipline, virgin, , old dude who whines and fantasies about his own appartent genius but makes excuses to why he doesn't accomplish it because he refuses to so, because he already knows he can do it and refuses to interfact with people because their not your people. That's ADHDPI in a NUTSHELL, if you want that then go for it. 


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#27 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 14 September 2018 - 09:55 PM

09-14-2018    News, report like I said medication works and you will live a significantly better life. As of right now, i recently already got a new job, and got a new psychiatrist. My quality of life is already improving, so this is what you need to realize. If you want to experience, the upper levels of human achievement then I definietly reccomend medication. Do not ever pretend you can go without it, and you will be normal it simply won't happen, so it's time to stop fooling yourself. Medication is the answer to all your problems, from job instability, to lack of sustained focus, ect. Like I said, medication has already vastly improving my life, I'm for once actually working towards improving my condition and working on the boring work first, rather than last. Which is how it should be, finally I've solved the sex problem. So basically I've decided to become asexual,  for the time being until I'm a in a good financial and secure position, that will never mess up again. I'm sorry but if you have ADD, and you continue you to chase women, you will simply find yourself sexually frustrated.  Asexuality isn't all bad, you get to enjoy yourself and your own time.  So no nofap, will  not help you either, you just need commit to quit sexualizing women and treat them as if they were men. Once you do, this you will finally be free of the curse.Then you can focus on your goals.


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#28 Deaden

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Posted 15 September 2018 - 09:14 AM

You need some simplicity, affection before anything... A stressed mind will make you age faster, interfere with your clarity and productivity, and most importantly make you feel empty or hurt on the inside, never leaving you truly satisfied with anything. You could have absolutely everything you've ever dreamed of right now, you'd still not feel that good with your state of mind. Your beliefs and thought patterns seem very deeply rooted, it's worrying... Work on viewing yourself, others, the world, with more love and innocence. I regret reading all your posts, because now I wish I could make you realize that you are your own ennemy, and not others, or simply bad brain chemistry that you got out of nowhere. Unfortunately, that would take me more than ten paragraphs to maybe have a slight chance of helping you come to certain realizations. I don't care enough to try with those odds. I hope you will understand some time in the future. Just please, at least realize soon that you need to be more open minded for your own good, don't simplify all your humanity to some articles you read on the internet. If research articles are the only thing that will convince you of anything, then start reading about the effect of overthinking, stress on brain chemistry/mental health. I used to be kind of like you, but miraculously was able to rationalize I was the one causing all of my problems at some point. You can too.


Edited by Deaden, 15 September 2018 - 10:06 AM.

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#29 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 16 September 2018 - 04:15 PM

    09-16-2018

 

                                               So, I'm well aware I'm my own worst enemy, that really isn't the implicit point, the point of this thread is so that other people learn from my mistakes, so that in hopes, they don't make the idiotic decisions I've made. Like I said, I'm not taking the blame off me and unto other people, It's merely a symptom of the great disorder that is affecting me and continues to do so. Which is fine, as long as it's managed, addictive tendency's obvious don't help. Anyways,  I'm too open minded for my own good, it's the opposite. I've lived alot of life, so trust me. You will come to a  point where you either become nihilst or you just block everything out.  I've done neither, I just continue onward.


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#30 MichaelFocus22

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Posted 19 September 2018 - 06:31 AM

                    09-18-2018

 

                                             So this next chapter, I will explore  some of the most intrinsic challenges of ADD and how you can live a meaningful life. The first factor, you must realize is that you are given a chronic unwinnable proposition. The principal therein lies with that fact, that we struggle to sustain the interests implictly needed in order to attain the highest realms of achievement. It's pretty laughable that I'm a crappy provider, a crappy achiever, basically a crappy everything. So if you suck at everything and the world is against you what do you do? Irrespective, of where you are in life, you will find yourself in this predicament and you will stress yourself out chronically until you are right back to where you started. As of now, I'm still at a loss of words, on what to do, it's becoming increasingly meaningless because of all the bullshit that keeps  happening on almost  a regular basis. So what is the principality of achievement within the ADHD world? The highest likelihood is to find some type of slave or person in which you can take advantage of to do your bidding. Which is effectively delegating tasks to a lower down, so that you can focus on the primacy of your interests. I don't know about you but living on my own, I'm increasingly realizing that I'm pretty crappy at being an adult. Like it's not even funny. Yet, when you should take medication you will find yourself equally lonely, and in the later scenario you will still be a loser who  go job to job getting fired. The only way out of this paradox is money. Once you have this pursuit you will no longer have to waste your time doing a stupid rat race, that you suck at anyways. The problem is ADD is a insidious disorder, which leads to impulsively spend. So not only will you potentially be an UNDERACHIEVING LOSER, YOU WILL LIKELY BE SINGLE, FRIENDLESS, inability to hold down work, but also you will have a higher probability of being poor. Thus, it's no surprise that most ADD people will go through divorce and lose half their stuff or being living with mommy and daddy at 32. So are goal is simple, we don't want to end up like those other loser statistics. The one's who will pretend it doesn't exist, they will be losers forever and self-medicate and tell themselves to make themselves feel better. I may be repeating myself, but still, their will come a point where everything feels pointless and you will have exhausted all your options. You will live and you fail and fail. You will run on deficit after deficit and you will fail to stop it. I will admit, I've become increasingly suicidal because this game is sadistic. Really it is, there will be moments when you ok, and then you will fall back into your crap tendencies. So can we live a meaningful life? How do we reconcile a paradox? A paradox is a repeating situation that repeats until the end with no apparent dissolution. If you choose to opt out your no better. Thus, for us to remove ourselves we MUST pursue money. Money will equalize the playing field by which you will no longer be subject to the abject expectations of the higher quality factors of greatness. Yet how do we get money? How do get enough to make your neighbor your slave? We suck as employee's, we suck at producing stuff. We are modestly creative, and jump from interest to interest with no rhyme of reason. If I'm medicated or not medicated I'm damned? Thus, you may suggest to me that this probably impossible to reconcile. Rather, the goal is to study stocks and the markets. That's right, your ideal future to you freedom from this living nightmare is to get into corporate investment. It's my increasing realization.  Should you reject the pursuit of wealth, you will live a medicore existence where you will chronically fail again and again and you will be 35 having accomplished nothing and no one will care. You will make mistakes. So it's of PRINCIPAL IMPORTANCE, that you acquire your WEALTH  in your 20's. Should you fail you WILL be a peasant forever.  You may disagree, but plead my warning,I will wake up tomorrow take my medication and will live the same pointless existence day after day after day after day. I will be alive, for a few moments and be right back to where I started. Should I go off, then everything I love will be destroyed which is equally sadistic. Perhaps, this may simply be  a transition period, but it's not likely. This is what I call the ADD singularity, nothing makes sense anymore. Everything you do will feel futile, you will work your ass off and be tired as hell and no one will care. You will fight and fight to achieve mediocre and they will ask what is wrong? Your pursuits and all that you love will plateau at wall. Then you will force yourself to do it and you will grow angry. This singularity will make you wish you were dead. You will feel like the day is your first day is the last day, is your first day. No one will give a fuck if your rot in the ground. No one will give  a fuck if you starve. No one will care they will say your lazy.  I'm battling multiple psychiatrists to get petty med because apparently  I'm an addict, and On the verge of battling financial debt with no answers. I watch nothing and I do nothing, when you are absolutely disciplined your existence, is your hell. You will feel nothing and you will be nothing. You will enjoy petty rants and have some friends yet it won't matter will it? When you face the paradox I face you will know it, I wish this on no one.  You wasted a day? Your one day closer to your death? No big deal? It is a big deal you are finite and your disorder is robbing you of your most valuable COMMODITY WHICH IS TIME. I assure you all, there hasn't been a day I haven't sought a cure for this evil disorder. Every single day for the past 7 years, I've searched and searched to no avail.  I've taken all your pills, all of your placebo's all your stacks, nothing works. It's meaningless to me. When you've come to my point and realize what I realize, then I hope you don't every come to this point because this chapter, is indeed the chapter that will make you or break you . Should you break you will wallow in your own despair. You will wallow and you'd wished you were dead. Figuratively, you might as well be dead because at this point your a walking corpse.  4 day's ago I beat living shit out of someone, who said this disorder doesn't exist. I beat him down and broke him. So he knew what I knew. Liars never prosper and any man who should infringe an insult upon your life will not help you. What keeps me going you ask? Look for the small tiny wins. If you cleaned your room, that's your WIN. If you even went to the GYM, that's a win. Any hope is better than nothing. Look for those small glimmers of light for that is all that will keep you going in this hell. Yes, I am in hell. Make your own meaning but I do it by extending my usefulness to other people. I will continue to expand on this, but remember that this isn't a game. You have one life and one chance. Remember that.


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