Posted 23 April 2006 - 06:51 PM
Well, I've already delved and am currently doing other sorts of meditation--only unfortunately weeks when focusing more than I can muster at the moment, i.e. exams, job applications, set me back in praciticing. I do appreciate your suggestions and think that meditation is helpful in its ways, because it tests and forces one to develop one's will (to subparly put it). It's just I was originally much more optimistic that I could handle my entire situation through meditation, I think there's a balance though, and meditation can only get me to ground where I still have difficulty making connections, i.e. spend hours looking for the right way to describe some inability. It's like being nearsighted, and lacking glasses, but trying to view something far away. You could squint, and try and muster some mental will to get some visual clarity, but if there's something--supplement or whatever-- that could help with the vision, so then you could use your mental capacity to be able to clearly and rationally make connections and assess what's happening, well that seems more productive, and less impossible. Meditation, although i've experienced some of the benefits in the past, can set aside some worries, does not eliminate the rational worries that come from not being able to focus, being inattentive, for whatever reason. Maybe if I devoted my whole life to meditation, I would experience that state of mind the monks reached, where I think I'm not recalling this wrong, they could exercise mental power over stubborn bodily states.
To clarify, I am in no way looking for a quick fix. This problem of focus has peristed for a majority of my life, and I have perhaps misguidedly tried to deal with it for a lengthy amount of time, but I have been patient these last couple years, and am now at quite my threshold of frustration, and bewilderment. Otherwise, if nothing else alleviates some of this processing trouble, I will eventually have to resign myself to living through really inadequate moments where I get frustrated for not focusing, because I cannot process an interaction or such, and use meditation to somewhat compartamentalize and make me feel okay with moments I can't figure out how to fix as they remain only understandable as unpredictable as to why I can only think in scattered ways, but never be able to get to the main point of an encounter, a text etc. Much more, I can't even adequately express to myself this befuddling problem that drains me of anything resembling coherence. For now, I'm going to keep to what I'm on, and resume meditation, and although look for other alternatives, more promising in that they might provide the slightest nudge so that I can confront all these uncognitively unattainable understandings of how I must always end up not being able to absorb and follow the lectures of an education that I'd once hope would prepare me for a profession, and learn how to be satisfied with living in a limited muddle I suppose.