Does your best friend’s boyfriend like you? Should you go to the prom with Tyler or Jason? Are you bipolar? From boy troubles to mental health diagnostic tests in ads for Abilify, self-administered quizzes have a long history of accurate pinpointing of an issue. Now, with this easy multiple choice test you can find out what your personal health style is!
For diet and nutritional supplements, you can be seen eating/taking:
1) Just the generic version of Centrum. Everything else is unproven and could be harmful. You can get all the nutrients you need from a balanced diet using the Food Pyramid, a magnetic sticky of which the federal government mailed you with your 1987 income tax return and is stuck to your refrigerator.
2) A good diet including plenty of antioxidant-rich fruits and vegetables; you take a high-potency multivitamin, extra C and E, fish oil and some nutrients targeted to your specific needs, such as lipid control or eye health.
3) Shark cartilage, laetrile, silica hydrides and the latest multilevel marketing pills are your arsenal– all washed down with reverse-cluster alkalized water.
Your head hurts. You:
a) Take acetaminophen, aspirin or ibuprofen.
B) Drink plenty of water, take feverfew if that doesn’t work.
c) Start scanning your aura and administer self-chiropractic (subluxation school) craniosacral therapy.
Oh no! Your aching back!
a) More OTC painkillers.
B) Magnesium and a long, hot epsom salt bathtub soak.
C) More self-chiropractic craniosacral therapy.
When you need a boost, you reach for:
A) Coffee– Folgers or Nescafe.
B) Green tea or yerba mate.
C) Organic, black, alkalizing coffee (taken orally, not in an enema).
For colon health, one should:
A) Visit the docotor for a yearly colonoscopy– it’s what Katie Couric recommends.
B) Get plenty of phytate-rich fiber and supplement with vitamin D.
C) Receive weekly colonics and go on extended juice fasts supplemented with stimulant laxatives.
Constipation is defined as:
A) Less than one bowel movement per week.
B) Less than one bowel movement per day.
C) One per week, one per day-- it doesn't matter. The mucoid plaque is still there.
You evaluate your health information:
A) Based on position statements of medical and governmental organizations.
B) Based on research, your own and that of others you respect.
C) Based on gut feelings, intuition and kinesiological readings.
Cancer is:
A) Largely genetic in nature and needs to be investigated through government- and pharmaceutical-company-sponsored research.
B) A confluence of genetic, environmental, and personal lifestyle factors that should be researched but also prevented through currently available means.
C) A conspiracy of Monsanto and the pharmacartel illuminati, which actively spreads the parasites that are the real cause of cancer.
Pharmaceutical antidepressants are:
A) Effective ways of improving the lives of depressed individuals and averting needless suffering.
B) Available tools that should be explored once other treatment options, such as amino acids, methylating factors and fish oil, have been exhausted.
C) A horrible addiction fulled by Nazi pharmaceutical disease mongering.
Herbal medicine:
A) Is unproven, a crapshot at best and potentially dangerous.
B) May provide a reasonable basis for treatment when backed by research and proper administration.
C) A gift from God and the cure for all humanly woes.
Pick your favorite:
A) Placebo effect
B) Vitamin C
C) Mangosteen
Pick a meal to eat:
A) Low-fat milk, toast with margarine,
B) Lean protein source, low-glycemic carbohydrate and plent of antioxidant-rich veggies.
C) Full-fat beef, butter and raw eggs. Or raw foods. Or juice. Or coconut oil. Or brown rice, and more brown rice.
Linus Pauling was:
A) An out-and-out quack, who put millions of Americans at risk for kidney stones and expensive urine.
B) A brilliant man who greatly advanced our knowledge of science and health.
C) A misguided fool who advocated isolated vitamins in pills when what we should be ingesting are organic whole foods, dried, proccessed, ground up and put into pills.
A) Mostly A’s: You’re straighter than an AMA board member in a suit, tie and stethoscope. Somebody call Stephen Barrett: his long-lost twin has been found!
B) Your grasp of issues sometimes belies your deep understanding of them, as you recognize that not everything can be categorized into black and white. You have an evidence-based approach to health that is logical and naturally filters out the gunk. Pauling would be proud.
C) You're quackier than the cast of Disney's Duck Dales. I think I heard Hulda Clark was looking for a “research” assistant. She can be found at Radio Shack, buying the parts for her parasite zapper machine.
