63 replies to this topic

[chris_h]

I am looking for some mental exercises to help me do better with job interviews and talking to women.

When I think that something is important, I get excited, appear nervous, feel adrenaline rush, etc. My mind speeds up, and calculates efficiently. I feel strong. The more pressure there is, the better I will perform on any academic test. Often during an important exam, my subconsciousness performs the mathematical calculations or problem solving algorithms while my conscious mind focuses on staying focused and keeping track of time. I also perform better under pressure in physical/athletic challenges.

I know some perform poorly in physical or academic tests due to pressure, but this seems unnatural to me (what is the evolutionary advantage?).

Last year I had my first important interview, and I was surprised when I performed poorly. It seems that pressure and nervousness decrease my interview performance. I cannot understand why my body does not react properly in this situation.

I have found that talking to pretty women is equivalent to a job interview in that nervousness only decreases my performance.

For an exam or an athletic event, I try to get as excited as possible as any extra mental energy is beneficial. Clearly excitement is not helping me in these other situations, yet I have also found apathy to be suboptimal for interviews/impressing women.

I know that part of my problem is with nonverbal communication and tone of voice, neither of which I have a great understanding of or conscious control over.

Can someone recommend mental exercises which will help me perform better in such situations? Also, can someone explain why pressure decreases my performance? Is this normal?

[Live Forever]

liquid courage

(ok, not really)

[luv2increase]

It sounds like you have social anxiety. Many people have it. I'm not sure what to recommend for it except maybe practice, alcohol, or a tranquilizer. Of course, alcohol would be out of the question for a job interview

[Live Forever]

Of course, alcohol would be out of the question for a job interview

Of course it would be a bad idea, but for the sake of argument, you could in theory probably get away with a couple shots of vodka before you went in. (vodka not being detectable on ones breath, and is thus what alcoholics drink when trying to hide that they are drinking at work or other places)

However, like I said, not advisable. If you are really struggling with anxiety in an overwhelming way, I would suggest going to see a doctor about it to prescribe something to settle you down.

[Shepard]

I doubt it's social anxiety disorder. Of course, with modern definitions of disorders, everyone has something. It's completely reasonable for most people to be nervous around attractive women in our society. Same with a job interview. Both situations have consequences that your mind is worried about beyond the initial performance. As far as performance in mental/physical activities under pressure...you can read some sport psychology books and they'll go into the trusting vs. training mindsets among many other things.

[luv2increase]

I doubt it's social anxiety disorder. Of course, with modern definitions of disorders, everyone has something. It's completely reasonable for most people to be nervous around attractive women in our society. Same with a job interview. Both situations have consequences that your mind is worried about beyond the initial performance. As far as performance in mental/physical activities under pressure...you can read some sport psychology books and they'll go into the trusting vs. training mindsets among many other things.

Everyone does has something. This is true. The thread starter; however, has had this issue affect his performance drastically negatively. The average Joe would be able to surpass their trivial anxieties in these situations, but the person whom truly is unable to overcome them has issues that need to be resolved in some manner.

[Shepard]

Yeah, but this situation doesn't seem drastic or anything that can't be resolved. He only mentions one interview and an issue with attractive women.

[luv2increase]

Yeah, but this situation doesn't seem drastic or anything that can't be resolved. He only mentions one interview and an issue with attractive women.

I think that him coming to an internet forum asking for advice makes it more than trivial to him. Since this is the case, I responded accordingly, in an appropriate manner.


I can say for certain that at one time, I used to be in his same boat. This was temporary. As time passed, I learned to surcome this temporary setback. People seek out help. This is normal. Notice the first thing I told him, practice.

[Live Forever]

He could always start out with unattractive women, and work his way up.

[Shepard]

He could always start out with unattractive women, and work his way up.

As my dad once told me when a less than hot friend of mine (butta) came over: "Well, she makes a good practice girl."

That's pure wisdom.

[Live Forever]

Shepard, it disturbs me that you knew someone named butta.

[chris_h]

I do not think that I have any disorder. I just expected anxiety/nervousness to be an asset in such situations (as it is in others), yet I have found that the opposite is true.

I tend to appear either energetically overconfident (aggressive), energetically nervous, or apathetic, yet the optimal appearance seems to be a James Bond like calm yet strong confidence.

The problem is with tone of voice and body language, which I have only partial control over. I can say the right thing, and most often in an appropriate tone of voice, yet I have only a slight awareness of my posture and facial expressions.

Can one learn all of the subtleties of nonverbal communication and how to consciously project them optimally in such situations, or is it better to go in with some certain mood and mindset from which the nonverbal language will automatically follow?

I would prefer to have a total understanding and control, so that I could project myself as I wished regardless of my mindset or emotional state, yet I question whether I can gain such an understanding and control and how to go about acquiring it.

I suppose it is similar to acting. Do good actors actualy feel what they are trying to portray, or do they have such control that they can project anything regardless of how they feel or think?

[niner]

I think your insight regarding acting is a good one. Note the increasing number of actors getting into politics in America. Attractive women appreciate sincerity; once you can fake that, you have it made.

[Karomesis]

all I saw was "attractive women" in the thread topic. I can't offer much advice to you.

But I think you're just nervous, the more women you talk to the better off you'll be. even Cassanova wasn't born that way, he had to practice and practice [sfty] [lol]

try this site

http://www.attractin...s.infodirc.com/

or, if you're interested in getting right to the heart of the matter try 271 words [lol]

http://ezinearticles...Women&id=276604

"you have to be tall, well educated, and make alot of money" [huh] really? now there's some rocket science for ya.

[trevyn]

Two issues here, working on either of which can lead you closer to a solution: Unnecessary anxiety, and anxiety causing poor social performance.

In my experience, what helps with removing excess anxiety is deep introspection. Along the lines of "What specific situations cause me to feel tense?" "Why do these situations cause me to feel tense? What am I afraid of happening?" "Is this automatic, ingrained reaction serving my current needs?" "How can I short-circuit this behavioral loop and try something different?" An exercise I've found useful and fun is to voice the way I'm feeling, even if it might not be completely socially appropriate: "Wow, I'm really nervous here, because I haven't done a lot of interviews, and I'm not really sure what to expect." It makes you a little vulnerable, so it's scary to do, but it's an instant tension-release, and the person you're talking with wlll feel it too. People have a natural instinct to try and calm vulnerable anxious things like puppies and babies.

The reason anxiety causes poor social performance is because anxiety implies that you're trying to impress/please the other person to an excessive degree, which means that you are considering yourself to have lower social value — you are accepting that the interviewer/girl has power over you. This is self-fulfilling; if the other person is getting signals that you have low social status, they will treat you accordingly. The good news is that they will also take your cues (if you give them) that you have equal (or greater!) social status. So even though you would like the job/date, in the larger picture you both have high social status and behaviors like teasing and conspiratorial whispers that imply a certain level of informality and assumed familiarity can reinforce this and both relax the situation for you and cause the other person to hold you in higher regard. In other words, treat the person as you would a good friend — a social equal — have fun with them, don't suck up to them or wait on them hand and foot, but underneath, respect them.

You can even take the upper hand a bit and dismiss or ignore someone slightly or tell them what to do or what's going to happen. You have to be careful to do this somewhat playfully so as not to truly offend, but done right it can be very powerful.

fastseduction.com is a great forum for the "art of pickup", or, in other words, learning how to give social cues. authenticmanprogram.com sells stuff, but it's really good in the domain of actually changing how you feel about yourself, and thus giving said cues somewhat more naturally. aretecenter.com is similar, with less focus on sexual relationships, but I think they only do workshops, no products. Beware, the last two are a little "new-age transformational bullshit", and all three are a little sketchy, but I've found them much more helpful and concrete than conventional therapy.

Edited by trevyn, 28 June 2007 - 04:41 AM.

[benevule]

Can one learn all of the subtleties of nonverbal communication and how to consciously project them optimally in such situations, or is it better to go in with some certain mood and mindset from which the nonverbal language will automatically follow?

This online book might help: Body Language - How to read others' thoughts by their gestures.

[MichaelAnissimov]

People perform poorly in physical or academic tests due to pressure because evolution is not perfect. General intelligence is a relatively recent evolutionary adaptation, and we can only sustain a given amount of stress before beginning to break down.

Another possibility is that we underperform to decrease the expectations placed on us, thereby maximizing our long-term reputation by living up to what others expect.

The thing that probably works best for talking to women or doing interviews is experience. Talk to women just normal enough not to make you nervous, and keep scaling up until you are desensitized and feel comfortable talking to women of any attractiveness level.

[sentinel]

Beta blockers for interviews and presentations. Fine on an occasional use basis (assuming you don't plan on interviewing all the time ) as they tend to put a ceiling on any anxiety/nerves spiral whilst not sedating you or impairing your ability to think on your feet.

Sentinel.

[ksperfection]

Confidence and experience is your biggest problem. Experience leads to enhanced confidence, in sports & tests I imagine you practiced or studied a fair bit so your prepared for the test/game. In order to get confidence for women/interviews you need to gain experience or practice. With women experience is easier since you can always find females to talk with. With interviews you should practice ahead of time, preparing answers to the main questions (the ones you were asked before).

[cmorera]

well, some girls might find it attractive to be nervous when you talk with them. or, if the ones who find it a turn off, how are you going to 'fool' them on later meetings if you do manage past the first

[EmbraceUnity]

Who needs people skills when there are social networking websites and forums?

For real though, one of the more interesting tricks is refraining from ejaculation for a few days... some say as much as 2 weeks, according to a recent thread here. I noticed way before I ever heard that thread that it significantly improved my flirtation skills. I always was clever enough with words, and just barely sociable enough, to hold up in conversations. However, despite that, I found it incredibly boring to do, unless I hadn't ejaculated in a few days.

As a result of that thread, I recently tried holding off for 6 or 7 days, and it had little noticeable effect. Maybe my supplements changed my body chemistry.

In any event, it is an interesting experiment to try

Edited by progressive, 29 June 2007 - 02:24 PM.

[jackj]

"Beer...helping ugly people get Laid since 1982" - maybe not apt but this reminded me of it.

LOL progressive, although I've found the majority of women on dating sites to be "psycho" in some respects (my bad luck?? no doubt) :( Problem is this seems to be merging into the general populus :\. I then had to asked myself, what kind of women needs to be on a site like this? *hides*

Anyhow, to the original poster, why are you worried about talking to attractive women and in what context? are you trying to get them in bed? do you work with them? If its one on one play coy and they will probably come to you.

I think it comes down to confidence in the end. Employers and women will see it regardless, its just a matter of whether or not you're out of your ball park, perhaps the key? If you know you've got what it takes just talk it up or play with subtle confidence! Employers know what they want and so do attractive, or not so attractive, women. There's really no point beating yourself up over it.

If you're unique then perhaps it will just take more time.

Maybe you just need to learn how to relax?

"dead puppies... dead... " i mean "calm blue water.. calm blue water"

Edited by unlucid, 29 June 2007 - 02:56 PM.

[chris_h]

This online book might help: Body Language - How to read others' thoughts by their gestures.

I read this yesterday and learned a lot.

For real though, one of the more interesting tricks is refraining from ejaculation for a few days... some say as much as 2 weeks, according to a recent thread here.

Haha, I started that thread, but so far my record is three days without ejaculation. I definitely noticed positive effects after three days. I am going to try the 14 days challenge again. So far I have made it two hours.

[Live Forever]

Everything you need to know about dating, and meeting women you can learn from Borat:

[dave111]

Can someone recommend mental exercises which will help me perform better in such situations?  Also, can someone explain why pressure decreases my performance?  Is this normal?

I think nothing beats simulation. Also, it's good to talk with someone (or failing that watch some media) likely to get your energy up before going into a high stakes social interaction.

[baertacgraff]

LOL! So fun to be in the minds of men. Advice: Meditate and feel the meaning of "Namaste". If you get it, then all communication to the nth degree is possible.

[niner]

Don't try to get laid. Instead, just try to be a friend and be someone they trust. Later, you will get laid without even trying. Plus you'll have a new friend!

[EmbraceUnity]

Having a woman that you are sexually attracted to as your friend is a terrible idea. Even if she is amazingly funny and smart and it is worthwhile to be friends, it is so depressing.... actually that only makes it more depressing. I wouldn't recommend avoiding female friendships, but I certainly do not recommend seeking them out either.

Being honest about my intentions early in a polite way has always worked for me. By that I mean I am normally rejected, but it works out often enough to keep it up. It just requires not being bothered by rejection.

[maestro949]

I am looking for some mental exercises to help me do better with job interviews and talking to women.

To reiterate, practice, practice, practice. Every opportunity you find yourself in the presence of another human being, make a point to initiate eye contact and start conversation. Do whatever you can to keep it going. Whether it be cashiers, people standing in line, the waitress, your cellmate, whatever.

Popular topics with women are pocketbooks and shoes. You can get an enormous amount of conversational milage out of these silly accessories though you should never refer to them as silly. Study the the thousands of combinations of types, colors, price ranges and seasonal varieties and you will have an unfair advantage with women.

[baertacgraff]

Am I the only woman who has guy friends? Sometime I'm more comfortable talking with guys, since women are sooo trying to impress one another. And, I listen to people [therapist, Joe the Bartender, LOL] for a living. If you want a female 'just' friend, who is also an immortal, I (and others) are on this site. I've already made a few friends and enjoying the conversations. Email me. Sincerely, Baerta