Hi, all you pioneers in pill-based evolution. [glasses]
Thought you might have a day where a clueless initiate to the ranks might fail to produce a deluge of inanity, did you?
How wrong you were. [wis]
Righto - now, I've read quite a few posts, read the FAQs, and spent much more time than I should've wandering from link-to-link on Wikipedia, and have finally succeeded in producing a short list of the smartypants-pills that seem most availing to me. It's my goal in this post to, by presenting you with this list as well as a brief outline of my goals and my medical conditions/history, receive the benefit of your advice on my choices and how to most cost-effectively acquire them. Additionally, I'm seeking to minimize this rigmarole, if possible, so whatever there is listed here that you feel I can safely drop and still come out brainier than I began, please let me know how to prioritize my cuts. I am, at present, living on a rather meagre income, and couldn't possibly afford more than about $80 a month devoted to this endeavor.
Before I begin, I should also like to invite you to criticize my choices and suggest any additions or substitutions that you'd care to. If you can manage to type with punctuation marks and, when appropriate, capitalized letters, I will at least hear you out. If you do neither of those, and have healthy fingers and hands, then you may as well not bother. If your brain can't handle proper typing, how can I believe that you take good care of it?
Modafinil
Saint John's Wart
Bacopa Monniera
Mirapex
Rhodiola Rosea
Fish/Codliver Oil
Idebenone
piracetam/any racetam
Aricept
Centrophenoxine
Varied B-Vitamins
I've never touched a single one of these, apart from a few irregularly taken B vitamins and Fish Oil pills. Neither were taken with the frequency or in the quantity necessary for them to have any significant neurological effects. As I've said, I haven't a great deal of money to spend on a monthly basis. If you could be so kind as to prioritize the list for me, I would greatly appreciate the direction.
I am a creative dilettante; I write, I draw, I paint, I make music. Anything that inhibits intentional "divergent thought", that dulls emotions of any current or intensity, or that impairs my motor skills must be dropped from the list immediately. And yet I also require a significant boost in my ability to "focus in". I despair that my needs may represent an insoluble contradiction.
My primary problem is that I am perpetually without either focus or energy. Attempting any of my interests renders me immediately fatigued, just as I begin to feel the tinge of emergent excitation. When I draw, I become drowsy, and soon even the effort of moving the pencil or pen is too demanding. When I take up a book, it's not belong before I've dozed off with my nose wedged between the pages. While watching films, or listening to music, I'll either doze-off or lose my focus entirely; minutes will pass as I day-dream, and then I'll realize I've taken myself out of the experience and ruined it. When writing, my thoughts drift, and so miss any train of thought with stops on the Story Line - or, when dealing with non-fiction, the Line of Logic. I must re-read any article excessively in order to be confident of my comprehension.
It's absolutely maddening to be unable to do the things I love most due to the constant wandering of my attention, the ebbing of my awareness and vigilance, and the draining of - what feels like, bluntly - my high-level, human consciousness. It can be rather scary at times, and I'll admit that it makes me fear for my future as a professional creative, should I be unable to regain and refocus my energy.
I'll admit just as readily, however, that I am also impelled to seek help here by the urge to develop my powers of wit and intellect. I absolutely lust for the power to retain, analyze and synthesize information more effectively than I do at present. Yet I do regard as serious the problems I perceive in this realm, also. I suffer from a constant awareness of my slowness of thought; I feel distinctly that I am failing to "take hold" of my intellectual powers so as to direct them to any substantial effort. I speak figuratively, of course, but it's as if whatever sparks that collectively constitute thought were, in my own brain, firing scattershot and haphazardly, without direction or coordination. Steam power - but no engine to contain and direct that potentially locomotive energy, thus permitting it to dissipate uselessly. And so I am always unable to throw myself into a chosen undertaking - while it's precisely this quality that is absolutely essential for any creative effort. If I'm not able to improve my condition, I can foresee the blackest depression for me.
As for my mood, I find myself to be almost always either detached, irritated, or careless. My mood is never upbeat; I've known happiness, but not for a very long time. I am constantly pondering doubts and discontentment. As a result, I have become addicted to the pursuit of laughter, and much of my time is (ultimately) wasted on seeking humorous television programs and websites. It is likely to be related to this craving for positive emotion and sensation that my libido seems unusually active.
I often feel deprived of oxygen, as if I cannot breathe enough air into my body, no matter how deeply or quickly I inhale. I feel "distant" from music, as if it were just noise that I were trying very hard to interpret - with no luck. My motor skills are, compared to other visual artists, primitive; those in my acquaintence cannot comprehend my position when I try to explain my inability to draw, with any degree of accuracy, simple volumes, such as the sphere or egg.
I have found some mitigation of the various issues I've listed in the form of a particularly mentally-affective strain of a certain substance to which the global hackey-sack and frisbee industries owe their vast wealth. I can't recall its name at the moment, but you can probably figure it out yourself. It might've been coffee. Yes, that's probably it. In any case, it certainly upped my abilities all around, and the particular blend of coffee that I imbibed had absolutely no lethargic affect upon me. It put me very close to where I'd like to be in terms of not only exciting my energies, but bringing them together in aid of focus. Some negatives, of course, emerged, and these I cannot permit to affect me on any sort of regular basis: slight blurring of vision and moderate impairment of my motor functions. In any case, for a great many reasons, I just don't want coffee to be a constant factor in my lifestyle. I think you'll agree with me on the decision.
In my youth, I was diagnosed by various psychiatrists, who presumably made their diagnoses by throwing darts at walls covered in pamphlets, with, at different times: depression, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, OCD, and, oh, anything else nutty, you name it. They pumped me full of all kinds of icky stuff, all through my pubescent development, and I can only thank goodness that I came out of the ordeal with much more of myself intact than some other poor souls (I have no major sexual dysfunction, for example). I have no way of knowing whether my problems now are related to my misdiagnoses and gross overmedication - but, in any case, I simply don't worry about it. The cause is completely irrelevant to me. All that matters is finding a solution. But I mention this aspect of my medical history because I cannot know - while you can - whether these experiences necessitate certain precautions in what I take now. Additionally, it is possible that those previous diagnoses may benefit me now, if they can be used to attain prescriptions for certain nootropics, consequently compelling my insurance to pay for them. To that end, may I also mention that I suffer from tinnitus, being mildly overweight, insomnia, join pain, poor vision (extreme myopia), a fondness for tobacco in all of its non-cigarette forms, and, also, too, well, I'm willing to say whatever else it will benefit me to say in front of the doctor.
In any case, I am particularly interested in how to obtain my final choices in the cheapest (yet safest, in terms of health) method available. What can I expect to get a prescription for? What will need to be paid for by me personally? What can be bought in bulk on the internet? Which brands or varieties are the most effective - and safest?
Well, I could go on, I suppose - but I think I've written enough to start on, and you're certainly getting weary of reading by now. Thanks a million for making it this far, and I do hope that if you intend to help me you'll feel free to ask further questions of my goals and my problems.
Take care, thanks again.
