WOW! This got long......
Well hi. This is my first thread here, but I've been reading voraciously as I research nootropics and racetams in particular. I'm a 37 year old working mom who suffers from chronic depression with IMMENSE fatigue. I can't even describe to you the level of drowsy/foggy/sleepiness I feel every single day, except to say that I literally nod off at my desk, my eyes flutter and close with exhaustion and I sleep on my lunch hour just to get through the afternoon awake. In extreme situations I've gone to one of our private bathrooms and curled up on the floor for five minutes, hoping to relieve the tiredness with a cat nap.
The problem is that I was, for many years, an opiate painkiller addict. I had three herniated discs which my doctors threw pills at and said "let's keep an eye on it". Six years later, I had to check myself into detox because I was taking 200mgs of Vicodin and 75mcg of fentanyl EVERY DAY, and still weeping with pain. I had surgery to repair my back (thank god) and was put on Suboxone in May of 2008. For months I was ok. I took Suboxone and Effexor for depression. But I realized slowly that so much of my life was missing. I used to write every day. I've written two full unpublished novels, countless short stories. I used to throw pottery at a studio in Chicago. i used to paint, cook, bake, sew, scrapbook....and I wasn't doing anything. My life, once brimming with creativity, inspiration and fun, was just a robotic series of Sleep, Eat, Work, Sleep, Eat, Work. This story could go on forever but I'll truncate here to say that I took Provigil for a few months, then when it stopped working I took Nuvigil. Again, about three months in, it just stopped working completely. Now I take Suboxone, Effexor AND Wellbutrin. The worst part of my depression today is the knowledge that for a few months, back when I was taking Provigil, I was exactly who I used to be. My family, friends, my TWO year old recognized the change...I was happy...I was content. And then it stopped working.
Every day I have a headache. Sometimes all day, sometimes just the afternoon, sometimes for hours.
Every day I am exhausted, dragging myself to the train, to my office, to the train, back home.
Every day I am missing the full and wonderful life I used to enjoy. So I started researching Racetams (lead to them via research on eugeroics and dopaminergics). Like Provigil and Nuvigil, Priacetam and Choline sounded like a miracle. I ordered Piracetam and Alpha GPC and began taking it yesterday. I suppose it's keeping me awake, but I feel sort of sick to my stomach and I still have a terrible headache.
I guess what I'm asking is...is there any hope? Is this just my life now? My doctors tell me that I should just be happy I'm alive and off Vicodin, that everyone would like "an energy boost", that "not everyone is happy everyday". I've been written off.
Am I missing some supplement or is there a better stack? A better racetam? In about six months I'll be quitting Suboxone, but otherwise it looks like Effexor and Wellbutrin are permanent. I so wanted these racetams to work. What am I missing?