14 replies to this topic

[Consciousness]

Hello all, I may not be known here because I have almost exclusively been a lurker on these forums for years and have only recently created an account.

But I'm near my limits and I don't know where else to turn, so I've decided to post this here.

Some background informartion:

I have no physical setbacks,
and I haven't suffered any major depression or mental anguish in my childhood/adolescence.

Now, at 20 years old, attending a state university paid for by my parents I am really starting to have multitudes of feelings that I haven't ever had before.

Over the past few years, I have done a lot of thinking on what it means to 'live', and since then, I believe I slowly become unstable.

I have to admit, I've never been one too interested in academia, but I've always gotten through school decently until recently.

I find myself asking this question a lot: "Is there a point to doing this?"

I find myself asking why I care about fulfilling several conditions outlined by a professor at the beginning of every semester in order to get a grade I don't really care about.
I find myself asking, after that, will I care about fulfilling the conditions outlined by my future employer in order to survive?
What scares me even further is the thought of doing a 9-5 which I may be miserable at for the next five decades.

Quite simply, I guess I lack a purpose in my life.

What is really tearing at me is the fact that my parents are the ones who are paying about $8,000 a semester for my university tuition, and I am squandering it.
If my spiral down continues, my grades may convince me to drop out all together.

I often tell myself, if I had (for lack of a better term) the balls to do so, I would drop out of school to stop wasting my parents money ASAP and find a job to support myself.
One big factor that keeps me from doing so is the FEAR of disappointing my parents. They want me to go the route of bachelors -> masters -> job -> creating a family.

My grades since my first year of college has regressed from a 3.9 to a 2.6 (I am in my second year of university). More importantly, my parents do not even know about my recent poor grades (when asked I say they are 'fine').

Another factor is my fear of the unknown. Because most my age go to university like lemmings,
it is sort of the "default" place to be in life for people my age.

I fear that if I drop out of school and fail to establish myself - having to go back to my parents for help, that I will further compound my parents disappointment in their child.
Somewhat of a "I told ya so" situation.

Reality has hit me like a ton of bricks,
and again, if I had the balls to do so I should already be out of here, because I know that this comfortable lifestyle living in the dormitories will not, should not last.

But I'm scared, primarily for falling short of my parents expectations (which I have already done, but cannot admit to them), and scared that I will fail and end up homeless or in a situation I don't want to be.

I am starting to crack and I know it.

I guess I just want to hear about other's life experiences and where it lead them.

As for the future, something has got to change, and soon.

I do have a premature idea of going to a two year trade school or something of the sort (electrician perhaps?) and work to get myself established to make sure I at least survive in this society before I figure out what I really want in life, but I have no idea where to start.

I also apologize if I come off as a spoiled brat, but the socioeconomic status of my family has never been very "privileged" (all the more why it tears at me so much that my parents are wasting $8,000 on me every semester).

For those who read the whole thing, thanks for your time.

Regards.

[j0lt_c0la]

Is there something you can do that is meaningful to you? I think that college would seem somewhat pointless to me if I weren't doing research that interested me, that showed me that there is a point to the sometimes seemingly pointless things I do in my classes. If you really hate your classes that much and think they're that pointless, chances are good that you're in the wrong major. Is there a group you could join where you could do something and see if it's what you want to do? Here, we have all kinds of hands on things, such as EcoCar, Buckeye Bullet, solar decathlon, we have a science outreach to elementary schools called Wonders of our World. Is there anything like that that you could do and see if you should change majors based on how you enjoy the activity? Is there a topic you love where you could go into a professor's office ans ask him/her if they want an undergrad in their lab?

[Shannon Vyff]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, I agree with jOlt_cOla there--if you can find something in your studying that you like--one thing to remember is that the first few years of college are for people to take the basics and figure out what they want to specalize in. The above post has great suggestions, I'd add that you may want to join a young adults group--I've found that UU groups are quite open to transhumanist ideas. But student groups at your school would be great as well, perhaps you could start a group as well that has some focus like teaching futurist ideas to kids. If you stick with the schooling and find a trade you like, such as electrician (good money, good stablity and flexibility) then you will have money to support enrichening free time

[Vgamer1]

Hey man, I can relate to your story in many ways. I'm going to PM you and if you'd like, we could chat more about our respective situations. Just to give you a little background, I'm nearing graduation at UCLA so I'm currently going through the college experience.

Where do you live? What are your social relationships like? I'll send you a PM in a minute or two. Hopefully we can g-chat or whatever.

[jdgauchat]

I know I shouldn't say this, but your situation is the reason why almost every student gets drunk

We (I include myself) drank a lot of beer those years, until we found something really worthy to think and care about. My reason was knowledge (for others was a girl haha). Then came the real world telling me that this is my only chance to exist. Now I only need the necessity to fight for my existence to keep me awake, alive and happy.

JD

[Grail]

You can always come back to college later when you have your head and your priorities sorted. Your parents will thank you for it.
I was in a similar situation once. I went home, buckled down and finished my degree externally because the college environment was detrimental to my studies and mental health. My brother, on the other hand, failed to pass second year for 3 years running (not from lack of smarts but lack of motivation), wasted a lot of our parent's money, and made family life tough for a while. Be honest with your parents, or they may have difficulty trusting you again.
In the end, my brother deferred his degree, got a job far away from home, learned many things, and now wishes to continue his studies in the better frame of mind he is now in.

Funny how it always hits in second year.

Yes, telling your parents will be difficult, but not telling them is impossible in the end. Delaying telling them will probably make things worse. If you love your parents enough to care about what they think, you really need to just take that plunge and open up to them, before things get worse.

Alternately, college isn't for everybody. Life is not over if you don't go. Most graduates I have spoken to know just as little about anything as anybody else, and are often less practically capable.

Most people need to seriously think about the gap year route before entering university.

Edited by Grail, 07 December 2009 - 10:45 PM.

[Cyberbrain]

I agree with everyone's posts. The only reason someone should go to college is it either study/research things they like or to make money. If nothing in your college interests you, or if you're having a tough time wondering if you'll get a job with your college education then change things. Change your major, try transferring to a different college (maybe a cheaper one) or a trade school. But first come to terms with what interests you the most regardless of money, then try to fit an education and several career paths toward that.

TALK with your parents. They may get mad, but they only want your best. Isolating yourself is the wrong thing. Talk to them. Tell how you feel, and then map out career and life ideas. And don't think that life is just education->job->family->death. It's not! It's what you make it to be. Don't like your situation then think what could make it better. Moving to a different college, changing major, going to a different country (that helped me), whatever. You are your top priority. Your well being must come first above all else!

[Grail]

Are you procrastinating constantly? Staying up to the wee hours of the morning then waking late in the day? How is your health, fitness and social life?

[Elus]

One big factor that keeps me from doing so is the FEAR of disappointing my parents. They want me to go the route of bachelors -> masters -> job -> creating a family.

WOW! Good sir, I feel sorry that your parents think in this limited way. How boring! Utterly, dreadfully, despicably BORING.

There is far more to life than merely following a linear and planned out path. There is so much more to life then earning a bachelor's degree or creating a family for the sake of going through the motions. It is this idea that you need to communicate to them.

You can hide this no longer - not if you know what's good for you. Your parents, as Cyberbrain has said, have the best in mind for you. However, you can't let their intentions obscure and shroud the path to your true calling.

There must be traits in you which make you stand out. Your individual way of thinking will allow you to adapt to certain environments better than others. Leap, run - do whatever the hell it takes to find your strengths and then capitalize on them.

You, my friend, are afraid of letting your parents gauge your success by their warped standards, and then telling you 'you have not succeeded'. You must realize: You can gauge your own success; don't let anyone else gauge it for you. Rise above and beyond the stale notions of 'social victory', and rise to meet your own challenges and goals instead. That, sir, will get you places.



Apologies for the dramatization and cliches. I really do mean what I say here, though.

Edited by Elus Efelier, 08 December 2009 - 02:49 AM.

[Consciousness]

@j0lt
That's the thing. Though I haven't mentioned it in my first post, much of my beliefs will not even be compatible in a consumerist society.
In a nutshell, an ideal style of living for me would be me and my companions in the suburbs of the suburbs with maximum self efficiency (DIY where we can) and sustainability (food, energy) while acquiring and using a small amount currency only as a crutch to obtain exotic materials and stuffs (here are my longevity supplements , etc).

I've been called a hippy, told this was impossible to attain... among various other derogatory terms from those comfortable in our current society...

It is hard to find like minded people as well.


@Shannon
I strive to have only enriching free time outside of maintaining what I have


@Vgamer
I live in New York state, I have a fairly closely knit group of friends who accept me for who I am... Yet I cannot help feeling isolated even when around them. Beyond that I don't engage in many social events. Gtalk is Google talk?


@jdkasinsky
I hear ya alcohol can be fun once in a while, but as a member of ImmInst I tend to be abstaining of alcohol.
Our existence is not even a fraction of a drop in the ocean of the sands of time yet we all fight so hard to cling to our existence...


@Grail
The unknown and uncertain agitates me as much as it does anybody but I can't help but feel powerless in its presence
I don't have abnormal sleeping patterns. I have no major physical setbacks and my social relationships are a bit lacking, but present.
On the procrastination, only for schoolwork (and some menial tasks)...


@Cyberbrain
I certainly do NOT want life to be education->job->family->death
But I cannot help but feel unsafe and anxious when thinking of the risks involved with other less traveled but rewarding paths...


@Elus
Much appreciated for that. You're last paragraph pretty much nailed it on the head. It is very helpful and therapeutic IMO to be able to read an articulation of what I am feeling...


Thanks to all for taking the time to read about my (not so unique) problems.
I've better realized that I'm not the only one in the boat and thats certainly helpful, however selfish

Edited by Consciousness, 09 December 2009 - 06:43 PM.

[Vgamer1]

@Vgamer
I live in New York state, I have a fairly closely knit group of friends who accept me for who I am... Yet I cannot help feeling isolated even when around them. Beyond that I don't engage in many social events. Gtalk is Google talk?

Are you friends transhumanists/immortalists? If not, you may be starving for the kinds of discussion that people like "us" have

I would consider signing up for meetup.com and looking for people with similar philosophies in your area. I just recently had my first contact with the transhumanist community and let me tell you it is quite relieving.

And yes, gtalk is google talk if you're still interested in chatting.

[jdgauchat]

You have to watch the movie "Into the Wild"

And I'm not drinking alcohol anymore, was just at your age haha... old times old memories

Bye
JD

Edited by jdkasinsky, 09 December 2009 - 11:42 PM.

[j0lt_c0la]

@j0lt
That's the thing. Though I haven't mentioned it in my first post, much of my beliefs will not even be compatible in a consumerist society.
In a nutshell, an ideal style of living for me would be me and my companions in the suburbs of the suburbs with maximum self efficiency (DIY where we can) and sustainability (food, energy) while acquiring and using a small amount currency only as a crutch to obtain exotic materials and stuffs (here are my longevity supplements , etc).

I've been called a hippy, told this was impossible to attain... among various other derogatory terms from those comfortable in our current society...

It is hard to find like minded people as well.

Your school might actually have such a group if you look hard enough. I went to the involvement fair for my school at the beginning of the year, and I found a group tabling that had bought their houses (as opposed to renting like most students do), and it was a consensus/democracy based residence, where they pooled their resources, and lived as a community with activities together and such. They gave off a anarchist/hippy vibe, and it sounds like the kind of thing you'd like. I don't know where you go, but if it's a big enough school, you should keep your eyes open for something like that.

[externalmonologue]

Consciousness - I have some foresight on your situation as I am 25, sadly still living at home (working part time however to pay for college) and still have 44 credits left. I have struggled with depression. The first step to end that spiral is to not obsess about your own faults. The more you think about it, the more you magnify the problem. I don't suggest denial, but acceptence but whatever you do, don't spend hours obsessing about the human condition. It's enough to know their are problems.

The best advice is usually the most arduous.
I agree that college is basically a piece of paper unless you apply it somehow. What is your major? I was neuroscience, then switched to cognitive science.
I am 25 and still a year and a half to graduate, so you have a unique opportunity. If I was in your situation this is exactly what I would do (and oh how I wish I could be 20 again!)

1. take less credit hours next semester, consider retaking a class you did particularly bad in nad pay for it with your own money.
2. find a part time job
3. consider taking as little as 9 credit hours if that is possible while working (assuming no scholarship)
4. explore classes you like. I didn't do this early on and it was a major mistake. If you find something you enjoy, explore it
5. consider changing majors
6. don't obsess about failure or perfection - you don't need a stellar gpa - anything above 3.0 is fine and above 3.4 (cum lauda at my school is excellent).
what matters far more is who you know and your plans after college. What matters the most is your sanity. don't let failure hurt for years and years and don't STOP yourself from failing either. Don't delay major mistakes but don't sabatoge this opportunity! take it easy and think clearly and sanely. you know their were things in life you enjoyed it's just going to take more work than you thought to achieve your ideal.

I know...

[valkyrie_ice]

Ah, the pressure of family. Know it all to well.

My family wanted me to become a baptist minister. I got so much religious education shoved down my throat it made a demoness of me. I can now debate religious philosophy with Jerry Falwell, but it's been quite useless otherwise, other than I suppose I have a deep and abiding hatred of religions that I cannot always control.

There's only one piece of advice that works. Know Thyself.

If you're in collage only because your family wants it, you will fail. You will waste their money, waste your education, and waste your time.

You have to take stock, look at yourself honestly, and make a choice on who you want to be. Yourself, or some else's view of you.

Do you have a hobby? Interests? Things which actually spark you to do more than lie in bed and stare at the ceiling? Take stock of those. Weed out the things you do because you want to do them and like doing them and separate them from the things you do because it's expected of you. Once you know what YOU like, see if there's a way to pursue those things and survive.

Or if there isn't, try to find a related field that allows you to use those things you enjoy at least part of the time.

And if you don't see that, go look for a job with a security company so you at least get to earn a paycheck while not needing any skills and not needing to work your ass off flipping burgers, so you can have the time to think, and find what really does interest you. I learned my A+ studying as a security guard, just because I was interested in computers.