hey, i feel like i have certain misconceptions about 'thinking' and its mechanisms which i would like to have clarified if possible ... please bear with me, i'll try my best to be as clear as possible, and i apologise if this stuff is obvious. i have heard that a lot of psych patients misevaluate their own cognition and i feel like i am totally guilty of having certain irrational biases.
first a little background: i have been seeing a psychiatrist due to severe depression. i don't really have an official diagnosis though it seems to be along the lines of atypical depression, ocd and what i am certain is ADD. the reason i mentioned ADD is because i feel like i would often have to deliberate incite anxiety and place myself in pressured situations in order to focus, which feels like it eventually evolved into OCD.
the first major problem i noticed just before my depression hit was that while trying to write, i couldn't really 'complete' my ideas. it's like my train of thought would just collapse or stop before i could fully grasp what i was trying to think. this doesn't apply to everyday stuff, but more complex thought. so my first question is: is this an example of working memory? my psychiatrist has run me through some basic exercises which to him indicate my working memory is okay, but i still have difficulty sustaining and trying to organise my thought during writing tasks. he thinks im being fussy but i just tend to stumble a lot and find my ideas only end up like half-way finished.
okay.... secondly, how does multitasking come into this? i used to work as a writer and often found that i could revise sentences in my head before they hit the page. i was a perfectionist and would never really just let it 'flow' but would constantly pull myself out of what i was doing, mentally edit as i went along etc etc. in the end, this became self-defeating because i fussed over every single minute detail. i found i didn't have to break my sentences up much, but could crystallise and compress my ideas easily. my psychiatrist said this requires much more mental effort than just letting what you write spill out.
strangely, i have found that taking Ritalin evokes a very similar state in me - i 'feel' more intelligent because my thoughts are more vivid, quick, and i feel like i can mentally manipulate information with greater ease, but at the same time it is really hard to focus on reading for example because i am constantly pulling myself out of what im doing to think etc.
i used to feel like this ability to think quickly and while engaged in other tasks somehow signified intelligence, but are focus and free thought opposed in a way? if one is fully engaged in a task, should one not really be able to ruminate on that task at the same time? is this why stimulants, when working, 'suppress' peripheral thought? that's the reaction i have to dexamphetamine basically - i feel more calm, collected, and almost empty-headed in a way
i feel like ive developed a certain bias and have become very precious about my ability to think freely, if that makes sense. i find that a lot of the medication ive tried does suppress thought (and worry) but should this be an end-goal in a way if one wants to be more productive and fully engaged in tasks? is thinking more a process that should occur during the task of writing itself?
i am just in the process of trying to choose medication which is why this is difficult. i have found that SSRI's tend to produce a lot of brain fog and make my thinking murky rather than clear, which just worsens things. but then ill mistakenly think something like ritalin is making me more intelligent. so what's the best what to evaluate where you are or should be at? sorry if this is a bit washy.. i feel like i sound vaguely retarded, but im really tired and cant be bothered trying to write like an intelligent human being. if anything needs clarifying, please dont be afraid to ask me
