I found this on Reddit and I thought you might find it ‘interesting’ :
Ok, so here is the story. One year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Harm OCD. Ok, so there was a reason I had these thoughts, so I forget about them. But a few months ago they started bugging me again. I just couldn’t let something go. I started worrying again, that I was sociopath or psychopath. I always assumed I was since I have guilt and feel shame and so on. But wait, what if I don’t feel those things, just fear what would say about me(narcassistic). Also sociopaths can feel some meassure of guilt and shame after they’ve done something bad. Also empathy, I read on the ASPD forum that they can actually feel empathy(selective empathy), because they compare how they would feel, but no sypathy(they’re just guessing). I figured thats kinda what I do, I first am emotionless, but I feel bad when I think about it little. Also I’m a vegan(no animal products what so ever), but sometimes I forget why and have to think to again feel empathy for animals. In these few months I figured I had some sort of superiority complex, but shock after shock I realized I was really stupid and I try to fix that. I don’t look for problems in others but in myself, also I try not feel like achieved something for little things or feel special, also try not to see things as black&white(sometimes I would feel very irretated with my classmates and feel for eq. “At least I’m smarter than them”, which ofc I’m not, and then again see them in a bright light after they’ve been nice to me). Now every time I feel superior I imidiatly feel guilty and a shammed. And this. One year ago we had a pet cameleon. And then we have to gave it away, because we could’t provide for him any longer. But before that I torchered him once. I flipped him in the air and grabbed his foot an kept him in the air for couple of seconds(I only did this once, but flipped him in the air couple of times). I really didn’t think about it, but never did that again, and was on the verge of crying because feeling really guilty and asshamed. You can’t believe how happy I was for him when we gave him away to a better home. I never did this to any animal before and after, but till this day I can’t forget about it. I feel anxious, have to take deep breathes, guilt(again is this really guilt, or just shamme because of my ego?!) and I can’t move on. When i’m manic(I use to be manic about stupid stuff, but now I get when I think of more simple wife- job, having basic stuff, like food and apartment and some luxury, and when I get this, I feel stupid for having those thoughts and feel like I will be able to move on.) i try to move on and forget about the whole thing(everything), and I succedd for this short time and feel very stupid for having those thought, but then again after I start thinking can’t stop.
Also I change perceptions of myself. Sometimes I see the patterns and why I do all those things and I forgive myself, but as soon as I start doubting myself, everything collapses and I start obsessing all over again. Sometimes I feel like a Chameleon, since I don't have a clear sense of my self and I'm just adjusting to environment
So, If im a psychopath or sociopath I want to kill myself, I couldn’t do it before because of my mom(am I feeling guilty because of her, or do I look at her with pitty and feel bad because of that?!), but if her son was Jeff Dahmer, she’d want him dead. I have found a quick and painless way to do this and If I don’t edit this post tomorrow, it means I’m dead. because I really can’t live with this anxiety anymore.
EDIT: I have these weird thought, like if I see something, like lava and if it reminds me of ice cream with the taste of orange, I kinda get this taste, like I forgot it was lava, or if human flesh reminds me of chicken, I’m not a freakin’ cannibal, I just kinda get these intrusive thoughts, I don’t actually want to eat or hurt anybody!! Also I get this tingling sensation around throat, scalp and chest. Could it be because I might have hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism?
