Hello, sorry for my mistakes.
I'm actually very tired and depressed.. and that particurly since 2 years that when my hiccup beggined (not directly related), it happened just 2 or 3 times at each meal, nothing serious. My mom is always saying "oh my god" when it happens, So I was like "Hey mom are you kidding this is nothing" but more the time go, and more I failed in everything I tried because of my extreme anxiety, and depression. It become clear and clearer than I have some mild to serious belly related issues...
I know that first of all because my mood was changing all the time, I can be the top of the top (seriously I'm brilliant, socially, Meta-physically, and pragmatically) but I can't focus at all like a serious ADHD, why not..
But I've tried EVERYTHING to treat that to achieve my year and as I've said in prevous threads, Modafinil killed me.. stressing me like NOTHING. Why ? I didn't know.. but that was clear that It gave me some serious fever-like symptoms with stomach upseting. And more I noticed that nothing (nor nootropics nor meds) could do nothing because I was feeling always the same. I mean I did'nt know before because I was very changing, sometimes ok, sometimes paranoid, most of the time very introspective, so I was in a way kind of maniac in my mind and this was not stupid because I have some serious deep deep thought, but this is due to fact that I cannot enjoy nothing, so I think ..
So after I failed at my exam, I was depressed like no one, the psychiatrist was chocked, how I could be that deep, I was like rebuilding everything in my mind but I was too weak to suicide. So I thought everything was related to a complex bi-polar disorder with some skyzophrenia and of course a strong ADD but the psychiatrist wasn't able to conclude nothing, saying that I might have all of that or nothing. I've tried an other one for the same answer.
Now I'm lossed, nothing new, but I have notice that when I don't eat for 2 days my head become clearer and now when I put ANYTHING in my mouth and swallow it, I feel immediatly the fog coming, but now I feel stupid, before it was a body fog with dizziness and everything but now I feel like I have no ability to achieve complex thought. That's not the real problem.
The problem is that I want to know how people live and I don't trust anyone that say, that I'm weak and everything I feel is normal. I'm very resistant I can burn my skin with a cigarett and resist mentally, but this fog and anxiety IS NOT NORMAL. So now I'm affraid to see a doctor because I don't trust them but more, If He founds nothing I'll be more lost and I'll kill myself and If He founds my problem I will be so destroyed to have failed at my exam (and be fired by the same of my college so I'll never be a doctor...) and didn't do anything before that I don't know how I will react.
But do you think something in the body could have some powerfull reaction to make feel one like a skyzophrenia. Because I'm so sensitive and it's hell to feel how I feel. I love to speak to share, and when I can't it's like I'm dead.
Plus I have always a dry mouth (night lnclude but that's since a long time) and when my "crisis" are at the max, I fix a point on the floor I become very difficult to see in front of me. And I'm SO IRRITABLE, and become paranoid, beating verbally my mom with some fake reasons, but it's stronger than me. I also feel cold half of the time.
Sorry the mistakes I'm not english, but now I feel not very good so I'm speacially discuting to read.
Edited by Babychris, 20 May 2013 - 07:38 PM.