5 replies to this topic

[Infernity]

I had a feeling to write a song yesterday...
This is what came out.
It does have a melody, I'll find someday sooner or later time to record myself and upload it over here.
Till then, feel free to comment your opinion on my lyrics, or just get an impression.


Take Me to Your Loneliness

Your silence strident
Loudly from distance
Thy absence burns me to ash

The ash as the dust
Like the stars full of lust
The infinity sets in your eyes

So why is it so hard to recall them so sad as commemorates me your voice…?
The recollection goes to devastation, as your silence keeps screaming-

Take me to your loneliness
Spare me facing ignorance
Remind me how you found the way
Into my heart

Was it ‘cause you needed a god?
Or was it so you’ll have a playfield?
Am I pure enough to hide,
And learn the reticence?

My sweet intensions turn dark, I’m losing my mind while you’re there and you can’t see me-

Take me to your loneliness
Spare me facing your ignorance
Remind me how you found the way
Into my heart

Take me to your loneliness
Spare me facing your ignorance
Remind me how you found the way
Into my heart

Tomorrow, tomorrow
And once more, tomorrow
Tomorrow my dear never comes

Don’t you to promise
If loneliness stack is
Blocking and binding your arms

Take me to your loneliness
Spare me facing your ignorance
Remind me how you found the way
Into my heart

Take me to your loneliness
Spare me facing your ignorance
Remind me how you found the way
Into my heart

Take me to your loneliness
Spare me facing your ignorance
Remind me how you found the way
Into my heart



-Infernity

Edited by infernity, 08 September 2005 - 06:22 PM.

[Infernity]

Is there anyone who can correct my grammar mistakes?

Laz? Nate?

Thanks....!

-Infernity

[Kalepha]

Hi, Adi. I’m not very familiar with the nature of music. I only know that sometimes it sounds good and sometimes it doesn’t, doing so without knowing why it does or doesn’t, or why it should or shouldn’t, with the exception that if the lyrics, if there are any, which I tend not to expect to be very insightful, say something flagrantly irrational that not even the expression as a whole can compensate for, then even if it sounds tolerable pre-analysis I’m not likely to care for it afterward.

But if I were to assume for the moment that I had a qualified opinion, I would suggest that the whole purpose of music is to allow for the most expression with the least prescription. Therefore, when it comes to the linguistic aspect of music, grammar, syntax, or semantics are virtually irrelevant, while the morphological and phonological aspects may be considered to a small extent.

From my stance, I think your piece is wonderful, especially because its meaning is penetrating and deeply creative.

[Infernity]

Well thank you Nate [sweat]

But however, can you just pass through to see the sentences can be said as they are?


-Infernity

[Kalepha]

Yes, Adi. They can be. It's more difficult to say, however, whether they should be, whether there are better alternatives to a few of the lines. There's probably a feedback loop between lyrics and music, with each component influencing the other until the song comes out just how you like it.

From having such limited information, I may only ask, what do you mean precisely by the line "So why is it so hard to recall them so sad as commemorates me your voice…?" and I may suggest reworking "Don’t you to promise/If loneliness stack is..." since in the first instance if I knew exactly what you meant I would be able to discern whether there could be alternatives, while the second instance would typically be awkward in English.

[Infernity]

Well let me put it down as sentences, because currently it is ordered according to the musical sentences.

Take Me to Your Loneliness

Your silence strident loudly from distance.
Thy absence burns me to ash.

The ash as the dust, like the stars full of lust; the infinity sets in your eyes

So why is it so hard to recall them so sad as commemorates me your voice…?
The recollection goes to devastation, as your silence keeps screaming-

Take me to your loneliness.
Spare me facing ignorance.
Remind me how you found the way into my heart.

Was it ‘cause you needed a god? Or was it so you’ll have a playfield?
Am I pure enough to hide, and learn the reticence?

My sweet intensions turn dark.
I’m losing my mind while you’re there and you can’t see me-

Take me to your loneliness.
Spare me facing ignorance.
Remind me how you found the way into my heart.

Take me to your loneliness.
Spare me facing ignorance.
Remind me how you found the way into my heart.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, and once more, tomorrow- tomorrow my dear, never comes.

Don’t you to promise, if loneliness stack is blocking and binding your arms.

Take me to your loneliness.
Spare me facing ignorance.
Remind me how you found the way into my heart.

Take me to your loneliness.
Spare me facing ignorance.
Remind me how you found the way into my heart.

Take me to your loneliness.
Spare me facing ignorance.
Remind me how you found the way into my heart.

Thank you Nate!!!

-Infernity