For many years I have been suffering from such a fear and hopelessness.
In 2008 when I was already struggling with my studies one time I mentioned it to my father that I have problems
and he told me that because of my age and because I've already studied other things before and quit this is basically
my last chance and if I can't finish this then it's all over and I could as well kill myself.
Since then I've been struggling and always had this fear before me. I can't count how many times I have felt so absolutely
hopeless and thought that due to this gigantic fear it's impossible for me to finish my studies. One psychologist also told me
that this with fear which I have it's not possible to pass the final exams.
I have been on antidepressants for 3 years now nothing helps. I think about this every day and feel totally hopeless I know
exactly if I can't finish it then I have no idea what to do then. But the fear is absolutely paralyzing. I have been postponing
the final exams for 3 years now simply becasue I cannot face them due to this fear.
My health is also very bad. I have many health issues. Basically I'm mentally and physically worn out at 33.
And now thinking that I have been under this insane pressure for years also drags me down even more. I mean I have not felt
hope in years. I wish I could feel some hope but I cannot. I only know if I cant finish studying then everything is ruined. My vitae is
already a mess and if I cannot finish studying then it would be even worse. What kind of job should I get with such a messed up vitae?
Then everyone will think I'm a total loser.
My self-esteem is also at zero. I despise myself for not reaching anything. Every day I struggle with all kinds of depressive thoughts.
Sometimes I feel hopeless because of my bad health, then other times I think about how I ruined my life with false decisions, another time
I may think about the future and then become scared and depressed cause I have no clue how to survive on my own without support of my
parents. It's simply way too much to deal with.
I feel like this is the end. I have no more strength. My parents simply always told me whenever I tried to bring up that I cannot do it that I have
to do it and that I have no other choice anymore. And so I kept going year after year after year.
I also feel guilty towards my body. It may sound stupid but I feel like I ruined my health by putting myself in this situation where I have to endure
such a huge pressure. I wish I had had the courage years ago to say I quit but I didnt dare to. I simply could not. Already years ago when my parents
said this is the last chance and that I have no other choice any longer I simply kept pushing myself. So many times I have been despaired and felt like
I can't go on anymore and then I kept going on. But now I feel like this is it. The fear is simply too big. I mean when I think about the final exams
when I cant sleep at night and imagine going there and taking them and then sitting there in the class and knowing that EVERYTHING depends on the
exams then the fear is already so big that I simply know that it makes no sense. I mean when the fear is already that huge when I simply think about it
and I'm not in the exam situation then how much bigger will it be when I really am in the situation!?
Imagine you have been studying something for 11 years and then everything depends on a few exams at the very end. This is so cruel and inhumane.
For someone like me with intense fear this is pure poison.
I dont even know if I should worry about my health in this situation. I mean there is no way out for me which would resolve my issues and then I could be
happy. If I try to keep on studying I will keep on suffering, if I quit I will also suffer maybe even more. But when I notice how my body responds to this how
I cant sleep anymore at night and how my stomach hurts in the morning and how my heart is affected by the stress then this makes me worry even more.
I even went to a cardiologist and told him my issues and asked him if I might not go on a betablocker to protect the heart from the stress and he said no.
He said that stress isn't that unhealthy only if you have it for decades....
To me it simply seems absolutely impossible to withstand this pressure.
But even when I think I quit then this doesn't improve my situation at all. Then I will feel even more like a worthless loser and my fears of the future will be
even bigger. It's like no matter what I do it won't get better.
And if I try to keep pushing myself then I will continue to suffer and I dont know how much longer I can go on with this without going insane. There are days
where I feel like getting a mental breakdown or becoming psychotic.
I also dont even dare to talk to my parents about this cause I have no clue what will happen then. This would be a shock to them and they are also not in good
health. I wish I could just talk to them but I cant.
What also totally drags me down even more is when I see how other people in my age are doing. Those which I know have jobs and some of them families and
they are happy and go on vacations. I havent been on any vacation in over 15 years. Even if I went on vacation it wouldnt help me cause my sorrows would still
be there. The hopelessness is the worst.
If I only had something which I was good at and which I enjoyed and which I could earn money with then I could have hope but I have no such thing. All the time I
try to come up with an idea what I might do and I simply have none. I also know that with my bad mental and physical health I am absolutely unable to work in
a job where there is a lot of stress and pressure. I really have no idea if I could do any work at all.
One psychologist told me that I have to change something otherwise I can never feel better but I dont know what to change.
I cant affect my bad health and I also dont know what else I could change. If I saw an alternative which offers some hope then I would already have taken it.
Edited by mandible, 22 May 2015 - 01:39 PM.
