Hi,
As the title suggests I have been suffering from a number of cognitive symptoms for a long time and the recent introduction of depressive and 'mood-swing' elements prompted me to take action once again. I have a forthcoming appointment with my old psychologist but in the meantime I'm looking into lifestyle and routine changes, alternative treatments and general advice from people who've gone through the same. I will try to keep personal details to a minimum but I think sharing the history of one's brain health and how it effects one's life will make it more relatable. TL;DR list of symptoms at the end.
The first inkling of what could be a problem turned up when I was ~10 years old. At this time two things happened that MIGHT be related to the problem.
1) I developed myopia in a very short span of time and needed glasses. It has not gotten significantly worse since then, 17 years later, with only my left eye becoming visibly worse.
2) My parents divorced and I found myself at the center of the custodial tug-of-war, legal manipulation and many strange and confusing emotions that I have only short fleeting memories of. Following this, I was in the custody of a mostly abscent-minded mother and her conga-line of dickish providers.
Starting from the 10-year mark, this is when a noticable drop in my previously solid school performance took place and every consecutive school year became worse and worse, with teachers often claiming inattentiveness, disruption and bad attendance record up until I was unable to pass into highschool after several resits and finally closed the lid on any possibility of a higher education. The main reason for this was an inability to focus that still plagues me; I could not sit down to read or do homework without RLS and constant invasive daydreaming. Focusing on a thought rather than a physical action is also an absolute struggle. At this point I was prescribed adhd/ocd medications to no effect. Moving forward obsessiveness and ticks became a factor with strict 'all or nothing' perfectionism and various urges like hard blinking, muscle contractions and symmetrical stimulation (these were possible to control but very demanding). RLS became more prominent and seemingly related to cognition; I get a big urge to get up and move whenever I need to contemplate something (like, say, a math prblem) and often finding myself cunjuring up scenarios where I am explaining it to someone else as I walk about the room.
Note: perhaps related to RLS, I can think far clearly when experiencing vibration (like in a running car). In fact, a vibrating car engine is the only thing that could make me experience falling asleep when extremely tired as most normal people do with all the headbobbing and stuff. PS. As I write this my legs and shaking up a storm.
As I turned 19 my social life, interection and my motivation where 100% rock-bottom as they are to this day and I was spending the majrity of my time indoors. I was living on my own and things took a turn for the worse during a period of elevated emotional sensitivity. During this short period I was very prone to rage, often screaming at inanimate objects and electronics, breaking of walls and biting my fingers nice and calloused. I also experienced highly elevated libido as my porn habits became more extreme and was masturbating 5 times a day. This is the point where, and I hate to even recall or admit this, that I ended up killing 5 consecutive pet cats from physical trauma in fits of rage. Thankfully I no longer have these anger issues.
It was not a year later before I got my first taste of anxiety. One night I woke up to odd sensations all over my body followed by weeks of nervousness, insomnia and suspicion until one night I begged my dad to rush me the ER over a dire feeling of impending doom. The Panic-attacks lasted, on-and-off, until recently and while I do get the occasional elevated anxiety it does not break into a full-blown attack anymore. That said, anxiety is still a major component playing against my well-being. During this time my motivation took a direct hit as I spent days on end locked up in my room looking up at the ceiling. I became highly sensitive to stress and changes in my environment, often becoming dizzy and anxious with cold, hunger, thirst, pain, etc. In fact, the degree and type of anxiety is how I currently decide to turn on the AC, eat or drink, ect. as the normal feelings and urges are overshadowed.
Short-term memory completely went down the toilet as did recollection of non-specific words at times which made conversation and relationship-building even more of a hassle. Combine this with the inability to focus, compulsive daydreaming, ticks and anxiety I started to feel as if I could no longer experience the world as I once did. I cannot take in and comprehend a large beautiful vista without tunnelvisioning and zoning out. My senses dulled and I can no longer find joy in most things besides a cheap laugh at a dark joke. I felt only a mild discomfort and vertigo during the sudden and hectic period before my grandmother's death.
Recently I have begun to experience a novel depressive state alongside the aformentioned symptoms. Somewhere inside that mess of anxiety, random thought patterns and nihilism there is now an element of sadness/loneliness/melancholy and I have become increasingly worried that it may lead to suicide. NOW, THAT IS NOT TO SAY I have ANY suicidal thoughts yet but I do worry, realistically or not, that it may go down that route if left untreated. In reality I still have a very strong sense of self-preservation, it's just that whenever I think about it I can't find any justification for it. Only that "dieing is bad". What I DO know is that this depressive state happens in periods. It goes on for weeks pulling along with it anxiety, brain-fog, proneness to anger, memory issues and a general lack of motivation until it abruptly stops, giving way to a much shorter period of no depression, lessened symptoms and better social cohesion. During this short time I find myself getting more work done, cooking up new recipes, sharing them with the neighbours, spring cleaning the whole house, going out for walks, ect.
And this is where I'm at.
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TL;DR
Current symptoms:
-Early onset of Myopia (unrelated?)
-RLS
-General Inattentiveness and daydreaming
-Inability to Focus on specific thought patterns
Stimuli like vibration and music seem to help this but not nearly enough to restore functionality. (related to RLS?)
-Mild ticks
Largely controllable as long as I am aware of them.
Seem to worsen while in the process of 'fighting' aformentioned lack of focus aka. while trying to concentrate.
Most are what I've come to describe as 'symmetrical ticks' in where a specific stimulation on one side of my body prompts a 'need' or 'tick' to experience that same sensation on the same part of the other side of my body. This could include anything from brushing my hand going through a narrow corridor or bright lights in either side of my face. As well as perceived stimulation, such as when stepping on a tile pattern.
-Obsessiveness/OCPD (as diagnosed)
Very typical OCPD, perfectionist behavior such as an 'all or nothing' attitude to cleaning my house/bedroom, obsessive tweaking of software and compartmentalization of various areas of imperfections for the sake of efficiency. To be fair this is no longer a major issue and I have largely got over the worst of it.
-Anxiety/Panic Attacks/Social Anxiety
-Excessive Libido
Most prominent during the 'depressive' stage.
-Short-term Memory
I also have a somewhat persistent issue with recalling non-specific key words while trying to construct a sentence. The more I try to pinpoint it in my head the more ticks and stray thoughts show up. When this happens, similar-sounding words seem to rush to the tip of my tongue in leiu of the right one.
-Depression?
'Low' depressive state that occurs in periods longer than the period without. Accompanied by elevated symptoms. No suicidal thoughts.
Edited by 不滅の, 02 January 2017 - 11:50 AM.