Hi guys,
I’ve been a passive reader on this board for quite some time and already have learned a lot from the various knowledgeable people around here.
I decided to register and share “my case” in the hope of some help since I’m desperate.
I don’t want to enhance myself with drugs or be superhuman. I just want to live a normal life. You can’t imagine how grateful I’m for any clues from you guys.
Here’s my story …
At the age of 19 (I’m 32 years old now) I slowly started descending into a downward spiral of something I know (at least I think I know) today as (severe) atypical depression. Up until August 2013 I did not even know that I’m depressed and anxious, because I felt that way for so long that it became normal.
By the end of 2012 I moved to a new city and started a job there. Maybe this (for me) big change contributed to what happened in August 2013. My mental well-being had further declined since I started the new job and my old strategies to cope with the depression didn’t work anymore. Before the move I was a student at the university in my home city where I could basically do the things that needed to be done whenever I found the energy to do so. Of course this was now over since I had to function at the new job.
Well one late morning in August 2013 I just couldn’t take it anymore, I mentally broke down. I stared at my computer screen (I’m an IT guy with a not very stressful job) and just couldn’t move anymore. I couldn’t DO anything. I had some weird anxious feelings without any visible signs from the outside (so I assume). I just sat there and starred at my screen for quite some time.
After I could move again I left the office and went to a mental hospital where the diagnosed me with major depression. They offered to take me in for 10 days and started me on Citalopram. I agreed and since the Citalopram I know that I was anxious my entire adult life. I also knew now that I have always been hypersexual. Because now I had a normal libido and what others found an annoying side-effect of SSRIs is a blessing for me. They also gave me a Benzo which in hindsight they shouldn’t have done because I never felt such peace my entire life and I would take it every evening if it weren’t for the dangers of those meds.
After the ten days they offered to take me in some more but I refused and got back to work. Life on the SSRI is a little better because it helps a little with the anxiety and is very effective treating the hypersexuality.
But the SSRI didn’t help with my lack of motivation. It might have worsened that. I can’t get myself to do ANYTHING. Everyday things like brushing my teeth, cleaning my room or call a friend or my mother for me is a brutal exertion of force. It always has been my entire adult life.
I was fat and poorly groomed until the age of 25, after 4 years of university where I didn’t get anything done academically. At that point in my life I discovered ephedrine. I started to exercise and lost about 20kgs in roughly two years. I started to groom got my room at a level of cleanliness that one could at least not say that the guy living here has some serious mental issues.
I was still depressed as fuck and didn’t get anything done academically. At the age of 29, I discovered Ritalin. Ritalin made it possible for me to finish University in the following 2-3 years. It was a godsent. I was still depressed and anxious. Like my entire life before that episode I couldn’t sleep and was still miserable. But when I absolutely got to do something I threw in some Ritalin, got it done and went back into my hole.
Back to today. The SSRI did not change my mental health and the Ritalin helps me to not slip into social welfare.
Recently I discovered Phenibut. I first tried it as a sleep aid and it didn’t work for that. But the next morning I felt like a new person. I was neither manic nor overly excited. I just felt GOOD! It was just that the feeling of “I wouldn’t mind not waking up in the morning” was gone. Benzos take away the anxiety, but I’m still miserable as hell. A few months I thought I was cured. But as expected, tolerance is becoming an issue. And the days of Phenibut are pure hell, since on top of my natural miserable state I have (of course) the Phenibut withdrawel on top of that.
So long story short. Here are some questions to the people who read that boring story, can relate or feel for whatever reason inclined to help.
1)
Has anybody by having a look at my symptoms a clue as to what is wrong with me?
2)
I can’t rely on Phenibut and Ritalin (which costs me a fortune since I don’t get it prescribed officially) for the rest of my life. Are there alternatives?
Thank you very much & Kind Regards
Nero