Long story short, I've been posting in and reading these forums for years and have experimented with far too many nootropics and stacks to name them all. I've never been too sure what 'it' is that I've been relentlessly trying to 'cure', I was but ready to give up, as whatever I was almost obsessively attempting to fix - was always just out of reach; and every time I thought I was on to something, it would usually backfire or poop out.
As many of you can probably relate, I've become adept at researching and often 'treating' myself, as my GP has tried literally anything and everything to help me (seriously, he's invested A LOT of time in me over the years, more so than most GP's would give) and yet I'm always left ultimately disappointed. Of course it's easy to accept that maybe I'm over thinking it and perhaps there's actually nothing wrong with me and everyone is like this, so I try my hardest to carry on with life undismayed, only to wind up losing another job, relationship, or opportunity to my forever-persistent disorderly and unpredictable nature. Inevitably, one can lose a lot of confidence, you begin to self-doubt and even fear trying to pursue anything worth pursuing because you know you might not make the cut. In my past I've attempted to mask this disappointment by turning to drugs, usually stimulants or opiates, as these make me feel better.
Usually it takes me an absurd amount of effort to accomplish what most people make look easy. My brain, I came to the conclusion, is just 'broken' from years of abuse and careless lifestyle. I actually used to believe I was highly intelligent, and still do to an extent, but put me in a demanding role with high expectation and pressure to make a deadline and I'll gloriously fail. My mind does anything to avoid the task at hand and I'll even give up and start researching something else to look as though I'm busy trying, until the time comes to give my result and I'm empty handed or I'll have an elaborate excuse (which sometimes works!). However, left to my own devises, I'm often surprised at what I can achieve, given I can take my time and go about it by my own methods.
So recently I booked in to see a reputable psychiatrist (with much reluctance, as I've had a bad experience with a psychiatrist in my early 20's). Lo and behold, all subjective evidence from our hour-long intensive chat, weighed greatly in favour of adult ADD (the not-so-hyperactive kind, but more so chronically distractible, daydreamy and generally lacking structure in all areas of my life). He doesn't rule out depression and anxiety, but he thinks those diagnoses were probably masking the underlying beast and in fact if anything, in his professional opinion I have very little depression left to speak of and only mild-moderate anxiety (which after all this time I've come to rationalise with quite well). This has given me a new sense of direction, and if anything, a 'name' to give this beast that was eluding me. I felt that I could finally get on with my life knowing what 'it' was that was 'wrong' with me and channel my focus on my strengths, seeing as I can better understand my own weakness.
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I immediately started on methylphenidate SR 20mg in the morning and went up to 20mg in the morning and 20mg at noon. It's been almost a month and although initially I was mind-blown, the brief window of my 'incredible clarity and renewed enthusiasm for life' quickly diminished. Leaving me, as always, disappointed again. Which brings me to why I'm posting here.
So, I extend my predicament to you, the Longecity community. As in the past I've had great respect for the well-researched input and experience-backed wisdom that is shared among these forums. I hope someone with the knowledge or experience can help or point me in the right direction... Or straight up give me your point of view, I'll take in any suggestions and apply my own research and hopefully go back to the psychiatrist better equipped with what I need to ask.
What do I need to do, or change, in order to get back that clarity, focus, efficiency, motivation and ability to accomplish what I set my mind to?
I'm currently taking daily: magnesium, fish oil, zinc, B6 and vitamin D. Intermittently: NAC, agmatine, ALCAR, coQ10, tyrosine, methyl-folate and methyl-B12. Other things I have on hand which I no longer use: uridine, aniracetam, phenylpiracetam, noopept, phenibut, tianeptine, bupropion.
When I first started out with the methylphenidate, I had an immense sense of clarity as though I've had my head in the clouds all my life and all of sudden I had a glimpse of what it was like to be out of this haze. Needless to say I was overjoyed and wondered if I had finally found something that was going to work. I understand treatment with medication is not a magic bullet, but I felt like something switched that day. I had a repeat of this experience for a few days, on and off. So I tried to pin point if anything that I take could be improving the effect of the methylphenidate, to which I discovered the days where I started my morning with a dose of ALCAR ~1000mg on an empty stomach, before taking my meds, seemed to be synonymous with this incredible feeling of clarity. However, upon trying to find some consistency with this, I had very mixed results. Some days I was almost manic and borderline overstimulated and other days it seemed to no longer have an effect.
Now it seems that I'm getting very little, if anything, from the methylphenidate at 40mg/day. I've plummeted deep back into a fog and finding it extremely difficult to focus and get work done, which is basically my norm or baseline - if you will. But after my initial glowing experience, I'm truly hopeful there's more to life for me than this. I see my psychiatrist again next week and I want to know what I should do. I realise I can go up to 60mg/day but it seems like a lot so soon into treatment. Is there anything else I could ask for before giving up, or should I just stick it out with this for a few more months and hope it improves?