I am not sure what is wrong with me, but my executive functioning is very poor. It seems to be ADHD related, but I don't know the exact cause. I struggle with motivation issues, poor concentration, inadequate decision making skills, and procrastination. I don't think that my problems were as noticeable when I was younger. I had rigid structure in place (ie. school related deadlines). I noticed that when I do not have some type of outside support system, my life falls into disarray. I desperately want to be self-employed, but it seems like I cannot succeed outside of a corporate environment. I have started to hate myself, because my life has been such a disappointment. Nothing that I've taken seems to help except for caffeine. It works occasionally and gives me a greater sense of well-being. Unfortunately, it doesn't help all that much with motivation. I can stare at my computer screen for hours without accomplishing anything. I have trouble focusing, and I can't stop fidgeting/rocking. My head feels so foggy and disconnected. I can't focus no matter how hard I try, and I spend most of my time just listening to music.
I'm starting to think that I have some type of brain damage or underdevelopment due to being born prematurely. I was born approximately 6 weeks early. Is it possible this has something to do with it? Is there anything that would relieve some of the symptoms? I've taken ADHD medication in the past (Concerta, Vyvanse, Dexedrine, Strattera), but it was only moderately effective. Not to mention that I'm tired of paying $200+ an hour to see a psychiatrist.