85 replies to this topic

[thefirstimmortal]

PREDICTION

In the future, women will run the world in all democratic countries.

Why you ask?

1. Women already control the world.

2. Who’s going to stop them?

[thefirstimmortal]

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there. We men like to think we’re in charge because most of the top jobs in business and government are held by men, but I have a shocking statistical insight for you men-THOSE ARE OTHER MEN. The total percentage of men in those top spots is roughly .0000001 percent of the male population. I’m not one of them. Chances are, if you’re a man reading this, you’re not running the world, either.

I have about as much in common with the Congressmen as I have with my cat. It’s not logical to say that I, as a man, run the world based on the fact that total strangers with similar chromosomes have more power. Yet that is exactly what many people believe.

When the Joint Chiefs of Staff are deciding whether to go to war, they do not call my house and say, “We’re calling all the men who run the world to ask for their input.” Believe it or not, they make those decisions without consulting me. That’s probably a good thing, because I favor air strikes against all countries whose names are difficult to pronounce. It’s not a “policy” in the strictest sense of the word, but it would sure make it easier to discuss world events.

Furthermore, tiny countries should have short names so the mapmakers can fit it all in. I think that would stimulate the economy somehow. But these excellent ideas are wasted under the current system of global decision-making.

Someone might argue that men have access to the top jobs whereas women do not. There’s some truth to that, but the mathematical fact is, 99.9999999 percent of all men can’t get those top jobs, either. There aren’t enough of those jobs to go around. The rest of us men live in a world that is ruled by women, as I will explain later for those of you who hadn’t noticed.

[thefirstimmortal]

What evidence do I have that women rule the world? Take a look at the world and ask yourself how it would be different if men were REALLY in charge. Look at the things that men want most, then check to see if the world is organized to provide those things or to limit them. Logically, if men made the rules, the world would be organized to provide them with the things they want most.

Men want sex. If men ruled the world they could get sex anywhere, anytime. Restaurants would give you sex instead of breath mints on the way out. Gas stations would give sex with every fill-up. Banks would give sex to anyone who opened a checking account.

But it doesn’t work that way, at least not at my bank. Instead, for the most part, sex is provided by women if they feel like it, which they usually don’t. If a heterosexual guy wants sex, he has to hold doors, buy flowers, act polite, lift heavy objects, kill spiders, pretend to be interested in boring things, and generally act like a complete wuss. Can anyone think men designed that system?

[thefirstimmortal]

If men were smart enough to figure out what’s going on, they might be tempted to use their superior size and strength to dominate women. But women are too clever to let that happen. Thousands of years ago, women figured out they could disguise their preferences as “religion” and control gullible men that way. In one part of the world, I imagine the conversation went like this:

Husband: I’ll be back in an hour. I’m going to go covet my neighbor’s wife.

Wife: You can’t do that.

Husband: Why not?

Wife (thinking fast): Um... God said so. He’s an omnipotent being. If you don’t obey him you’ll burn in hell.

Husband: Whoa, that was a close one. Thanks for warning me ...

[thefirstimmortal]

Our lives are guided by annoying little rules called “manners.” The rules kick in whenever there are other people around, which is most of the time. That means whoever invented these manners is controlling our behavior most of the time without even being there.

Do you think men invented manners?

Manners would be a lot different if men created them. For example, the Swiss Army Knife would be the right utensil for any occasion, including holidays and weddings. If you’re wearing clothes, you have all you need in the napkin department. It’s that simple.

The best evidence that women invented manners is the fact that formal dinners have many forks. This multiple-fork situation must have been invented by people who really, really like forks. There’s no other explanation. I have never seen a man comment on the quality or beauty of a fork. No man ever said, “This fork is terrific. I wish I had several of them for this meal. We can use one to eat food and the other to... um. . . eat more food.”

If men had invented forks there would be no prohibition about using one in each hand at the same time. Obviously, women are the driving force behind the proliferation of forks, and, by logical extension, they must be responsible for all manner of manners.
We can test this assumption by looking at some of the major categories of manners and asking how likely it is that men were involved in their design.

[thefirstimmortal]

People who have good manners don’t put their elbows on the dinner table. Clearly this is not a male idea. That table is EXACTLY WHERE THE ELBOWS SHOULD GO. It makes no sense to put a table in front of a person at elbow-height if it’s just going to tease. Your lap will hold a plate, but your lap won’t rest your elbows. There must be some reason tables were invented. When I look at the tables in my house, they are covered with flower centerpiece thingies, but no elbows. Whose idea do you think that was? If you ask me, flowers belong in the ground and elbows belong on the table. But nobody asked.

[thefirstimmortal]

Do you think men came up with the concept of covering your mouth with your hand when you sneeze? I can’t imagine a man sitting around saying, “You know, the very best place to sneeze is on part of my own body.”

I don’t think so. Sneezing on your own body is the very worst place you could possibly sneeze. Even your family pet knows to sneeze on a family member instead of its own paw.

[thefirstimmortal]

Under our current system of courtship, men do most of the date-asking and women get to squish men’s fragile egos like Fudgsicles on a Los Angeles freeway. I’m reasonably certain that men did not invent this system.

If it were up to men, all women would be equipped with special hormonal monitors to tell men such vital information as when it’s a cry-free time of the month and when arousal is highest. Then we’d know when it’s a good time for courting and when it’s a better idea to run some errands. This would be a huge time-saver for everyone, but obviously nobody consulted men about how courtship should work.

[thefirstimmortal]

Nothing annoys women more than watching men have fun when there are heavy items in need of being moved to other places. If men ruled the .world, all of those heavy objects would be in the right place to begin with, no matter where they were. But they aren’t. Oh, no, everything is in the wrong place and must be moved now, not after your favorite television show is over.

[thefirstimmortal]

On average, men get paid more money than women. Most people think that is unfair, but let’s look at it another way. Given a choice, most people would rather spend money than earn money. And who is doing all the spending?

If you don’t believe that women spend most of the money, just walk into any Sears store and see what they’re selling. If you’re a male, you see maybe two things you might want-a second cordless drill (so you have a spare in the car) and a trickle charger, because you like how they look in the garage. That’s all you want in the whole store. But SOMEONE is buying all that other stuff in there or Sears wouldn’t be in business. Someone is buying those fuzzy toilet seat covers. Someone is buying decorative covers for tissue boxes. Someone is buying place mats.
Who could it be?
Kids don’t have money. Pets aren’t allowed in Sears. By the process of elimination, we can conclude that women must be buying all that other stuff. Women are spending most of the money.

If you were from another planet, such as Switzerland, and you only knew these two facts-1) Men earn most of the money, and 2) Women spend most of the money-what would you assume about who is holding whom by the whatchamacallits and swinging the person who owns the whatchamacallits around in the air while yelling, “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!”?
It’s a rhetorical question.

[thefirstimmortal]

If men controlled fashion, they’d convince women to wear uncomfortable, pointy-heeled shoes that made legs look attractive. They’d promote bras that lifted the breasts upward for no apparent reason. The standard business attire for women would be skirts that display lots of leg. Men, on the other hand, would be able to get away with wearing a dull gray suit or jeans every single day.

Actually, I guess that’s the way it is. Obviously, men control fashion. But that’s the only thing men control.

In the short term, I predict women will try to tighten their grip on the world. We’ll have more knickknacks and doilies than at any time in history. But that’s in the near term. In the long term, technology will provide freedom for men.

[thefirstimmortal]

PREDICTION; Most scientific and technical breakthroughs in the next century will be created by men and directed at finding replacements for women.

Scientists, most of them men, will continue to develop technologies that can provide men with freedom from the women who control every aspect of their lives except fashion.
If you’re looking to invest in the future, put your money in those areas that hold the most promise for replicating the roles of women:

Genetic engineering.

Virtual reality.

Artificial intelligence.

Internet.

Robotics.

Voice mail.

[thefirstimmortal]

Those technologies that hold no promise as female replacements will stagnate. A good example of dead-end technology is air travel. It’s essentially the same as it was thirty years ago-same cramped seats, same peanuts. The headphone technology has advanced all the way to “the hollow plastic tube.” I’m not sure how ancient the flight control radar is, but I think it involves interns standing on top of the flight tower yelling, Turn right! Turn right!”

In contrast, during this extended period of airline technology stagnation, the nation’s phone system has developed substantially. Your telephone has turned into a ubiquitous female presence through the wide-spread use of voice mail and audiotex systems that feature primarily feminine voices.

The “official” reason given for using female voices is that they are’easier to hear, but I think it’s obvious that the male technologists who promoted this technology wanted to have something on their desks that would sound like a woman and ask to be touched.

“Press one if you’d like to leave a message. Press two if it’s the only action you’ll get this month.”

[thefirstimmortal]

In the future on election day, I will perform my civic duty by not voting. Believe me, the country will be better off if I stay away from the polls. I am far too ignorant to add anything but randomness to the outcome. I say this despite the fact that I read as many bumper stickers as I can, thus making me more informed than the average voter.

Even if I become uncaring enough to participate in future elections, I wouldn’t know how to reregister to new party without exposing myself to unnecessary risk. Someone told me I can go to the post office to reregister, but I’m afraid they’ll throw my application in the wrong bag and I’ll end up in the military. The next thing I know, I’m a Navy SEAL. I’m fairly certain I would be killed by my own squad in order to put an end to my incessant seal puns.

[thefirstimmortal]

I realize the dangers of voting entails a small risk, but when I compare it to the statistical likelihood that my vote will improve the efficiency of our government, I think it’s a fair assessment. And when you factor in the odds of being hit by a stray bullet while standing in line at the post office, voting seems downright reckless. My cats need me alive, despite any outward signs to the contrary, such as dragging me into the litter box and covering me with sand.

When it comes to voting, I’m just barely smart enough to know that I’m a total idiot. This might sound self-deprecating, but on the intelligence scale, it puts me comfortably ahead of most Induhviduals who actually vote.

[thefirstimmortal]

No matter what information is available about the candidates, most people end up voting for the party they belong to. They remain loyal even if their party’s track record and platform change. I’m convinced that if one of the major parties nominated a bag of lettuce for president, the lettuce would get 25 percent of the popular vote. This 25 percent would rationalize their decision by saying things like:

"Well, at least that lettuce has principles!”
"It can’t be any worse than the other guy”
"I just think it’s time for a change.”

Of all the things that influence elections, it appears that information is the least significant. Elections are won by the candidate whose staff members are the most skilled at manipulating the voters. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, because you have to be quite smart to figure out the best way to manipulate millions of Induhviduals into marching in the same direction. And if we get tall presidents with good hair who hire smart staff members, that’s not the worst thing that could happen.

PREDICTION

In the future, most democratic countries will be led by tall people
with good hair and smart staff members.

[thefirstimmortal]

Much has been written-too much, really-about the technology for making workers more productive. What we really need is technology for helping workers goof off without detection. There’s a much bigger market for that. Look at the numbers. For every boss who wants to make you work harder, there are a dozen employees who want to prevent it.

PREDICTION

In the future, there will be a huge market for technology products
that help workers goof off and still get paid.


Naturally, most of the new goofing off technology will be disguised as productivity tools, just as the current ones are. Employees today goof off with the telephone, e-mail, Internet connections, and their computers. It all looks like work to the unsuspecting employer.

[thefirstimmortal]

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity.


PREDICTION 16

In the future, scientists will learn how to convert
stupidity into clean fuel.


The challenge will be in figuring out how to control this bountiful resource. I predict that the energy companies will place huge hamster wheels outside of convenience stores and offer free lottery tickets to people who spend five minutes running in them. The hamster wheels will be connected to power generators. This plan will produce an unlimited supply of cheap power.

[thefirstimmortal]

I predict that wind power will finally become a viable large-scale energy source, but not because of better windmill technology. We will discover more wind-the flapping of people’s mouths.
All that’s needed to harness this wind is a critical mass of people and a controversial topic.

[thefirstimmortal]

If you think about it, human beings are the worst possible creatures to have access to powerful technology. It would be much better for everyone if, for example, fish were the ones with all the technology They wouldn’t be able to push the buttons with their little fins. No humans would get hurt, and the fish would be able to brag about their great stuff until eventually it all turned into protective barrier reefs.

But it’s not a perfect world, and fish don’t own all the technology. Humans do. That’s bad, because technology magnifies the ability of one person to have a big impact on other people. If that doesn’t scare you, then the next time you see professional wrestling on television, look at the crowd shots and ask yourself if you’d like those people to have a bigger impact on your life.
There’s no required safety testing for technology. I think that’s because the danger doesn’t seem obvious to the casual observer. That’s what futurists like myself are for-to scare the bejeezus out of you for no useful purpose whatsoever.

Now let’s get on with that important work.

Television is our biggest threat as a species, but not because of the sex and violence. It’s because Hollywood pipes an endless stream of impossibly attractive people into our consciousness.
It’s awfully hard to get naked in front of someone who has just watched Body Shaping on ESPN ... especially if your partner points the remote control at you and starts clicking it desperately. Nobody needs that.

If television doesn’t ruin our ability to mate, the conversations about technology will. For the first time in history, it’s possible to have a conversation with someone who speaks the same language and yet have no idea what the topic is. The problem is mostly with men. Women are better conversationalists, and they tend to contain their talk about technology. Men have less verbal awareness. We’ll keep yammering about things like subsecond response times, Cpu cycles, and bandwidth until there’s bloodshed.

[thefirstimmortal]

Technology allows us to put more of our lives in the hands of engineers every day. This might not scare those of you who work in nonengineering companies, but personally, it’s enough to make me wake up screaming every night. I know a lot of engineers.
We all know that big companies make economic decisions about the trade-offs between price and safety. That’s understandable. It only gets scary when you realize that engineers are the ones who are making those calculations. And engineers don’t like people. In my nightmares, just before I wake up screaming, I hear the engineers talking:

Engineer #1: This solution will work, but it will be more dangerous.
Engineer #2: How much more dangerous?

Engineer #1: I figure a thousand people would die. And most of them would be strangers.
Engineer #2: Is there any way we could modify it ... you know, to kill more strangers?

Engineer #1: Wow, you hate strangers, too?
Engineer #2: Who doesn’t? Plus, I figure there’s a good chance that you’d be killed doing the modifications.

[thefirstimmortal]

Technology also allows us to get very angry and abusive with people who can’t punch us in the nose at that very minute. That is bound to be a dangerous situation, especially for scrawny people like myself. I never hesitate to question someone’s parentage or offer obscene dining suggestions by e-mail. I cleverly calculate the precise amount of insult that will make someone think about tracking me down and beating me up, but not mad enough to actually do it. The trouble is, it’s a fine line between being almost hunted down and actually hunted down. That’s why I sleep in the attic most of the time and leave a dummy in my bed. (I don’t call her dummy to her face. I mumble so it sounds like “honey.”)

[thefirstimmortal]

When it comes to physical toughness, there are two types of people:

There are people like me . . . and then there are people who can beat the crap out of people like me. The latter have always been bullies. As children, it was their responsibility to administer the wedgies and noogies to all of the other children. This taught the bullies responsibility. They learned to control their power.

Those of us who were on the receiving end of the wedgies and noogies never learned to control our power, because we didn’t have any. Until now. E-mail allows us to lash out at the people we consider stupid while leaving plenty of time to run away if things get out of hand.

[thefirstimmortal]

Sometimes I fear that I will forget all of my passwords and my secret codes and some large organization will keep all of my money because I can’t prove it ever belonged to me. My driver’s license and passport will be useless, because toddlers will have the technology to forge that kind of thing on their little “Forge-n-Learn” toys. So one day I’ll find myself in a heated argument with a banking representative in which I try to explain that I really am stupid enough to forget all of my secret codes. I won’t know whether I should make an eloquent argument, thus jeopardizing my claim of stupidity, or a really stupid argument, thus proving that I’m correct about how stupid I am. It will all be terribly confusing and frustrating.

Eventually, I’ll become a pathetic homeless guy, wandering around muttering, “Was it gb7k99 or was it gB7k99. I’m sure the ‘B’ is capitalized!”

[thefirstimmortal]

We’re attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days, it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead. But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now it only matters if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to confess your inadequacies to a disgruntled tech support person.
It’s obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:

1. Knowledgeable computer users who will eventually evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the Universe.

2. Computer owners who try to “pass” as knowledgeable but secretly use a hand calculator to add totals for their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually, they will become extinct.

3. Non-computer users who will eventually grow tails, sit in zoos, and fling dung at tourists.


PREDICTION
In the future, computer using men will be the sexiest males.

Obviously, if you’re a woman and you’re trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don’t want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolutionary potential.

And women prefer men who are good listeners. Computer users are excellent listeners, because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early on in a relationship it’s better if the guy actually talks, but we men are not deep. We use up all the stories we’ll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who’s in, let’s say, a retail sales career, she’ll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. But if she marries an engineer, she gets a great listener for the next seventy years.

With the ozone layer evaporating, it’s good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet, by the age of thirty, they still look like dried chili peppers with pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends twelve hours a day in front of a video screen.

[thefirstimmortal]

Two hundred years ago, there were only sixteen people in the whole United States who voted in the presidential election. (This is an approximation based on the assumption that I don’t want to look up the real number.) If you were one of the sixteen people, your vote counted as 6.25 per-cent of the total votes.

If you voted in the most recent election, your vote was watered down by tens of millions of dolts who think the Speaker of the House is part of their Surround Sound stereo system. Every time a new Induhvidual is registered, the value of your vote is diluted.

PREDICTION
In the future, the value of your vote will become less than zero. That actually became true when the amount you pay in taxes to have your own vote counted was less than the value you got from the vote itself.


It will be much worse when technology makes it easier to register and vote.
Eventually, you will be able to vote over the Internet using your television set and remote control. This raises the frightening specter of millions of people watching Beavis and Butt-head and voting during the commercials. The easier it is to vote, the lower the average intelligence of the voters will be. I can’t prove this, but under the current system, I have to think a lot of voters get lost on the way to the polling booth. That weeds a lot of Induhviduals out. In the future, you’ll never be too drunk or too stupid to vote.

A Phrase You’ll Hear in the Future

“I might be too drunk to find the polling place, but I can still help determine the future of the free world!”