4 replies to this topic

[gamesguru]

Ive been posting here for a while, on and off, busy with my personal life and with work and with my own learning, so to raise these questions takes some courage and some humility.

My family has a mild history of mental problems, and some of my friends are expressing concerns that I have severe bipolar I/II or mild schizophrenia paranoia. In any event, it seems a general consesus that I'm suffering some sort of grandiose delusions of a perfect world, which undoubtedly originates with my study of politics (Bakunin and Noam Chomsky are two of my favorite social philosophers). I've been warned that although some of the insights i've gain from politics and science and academia in general, are amazing, that I'm zapping myself of my vital forces, and some people have used "Nietzsche" to describe me...saying I think I'm "God". Alluding to my prolific writing, illusions of control, and idealistic agenda....they are basically saying I've gone off th deep end. To an extent, my own learning has drove me insane. I would contend none of my accusers is as erudite in science or politics, and that I've always had some difficulties expressing myself. Obviously, I have insane thoughts because of all the assumptions and principles (spam) I've stocked in my mind...I've bitten off more than I can chew...I'm a mere researcher in science, not a world famous political theorist. I personally suspect this is my problem: mild bipolar II, can't give up my pride, and self-esteem issues brought about trying to fit in with my age group. I think if I once again accept my empty friendships, and realize I can't teach people about what I've read, that I will stop being so obsessed with myself and my ideas, and will start producing good research again. Let me explain my family.. My family has bipolar disorder from my dad, and something less serious on my mom's side. My paternal grandpa is a mess; always criticizing others and never himself, he's undiagnosed, but I think he has bipolar or worse. My father's mom seems mentally normal, though stress with her undiagnosed husband has taken its toll. My mom's side has more like the "pie in the sky" dream, and they are so optimistic and blind to their own faults it makes me cringe. My mom's family is all about pride and kinship. My friends think I'm experiencing psychosis because they know my dad has issues with depression, he makes amazing inferences that are sometimes dead wrong, and he sometimes has a sort of delusional mania going on where he thinks his personal life is doing well...despite the fact that he overworks himself and fails with intimate friendships. Considering my dad is also a pothead, I'm impressed he keeps working so hard, and manages to suck up all his social and personal difficulties. It makes me think I won't ever need help, but I know that's the wrong way to apply induction. Some people have said our whole problem is with people, and they think my dad's family has aspergers, nothing more serious. I think there's something not right with our mood or our thoughts, but I can't put my finger quite on it. I think my mom's family just suffers self-esteem and pride issues. I see how, if these were both inherited, it would explain at lot about me.

The reason I'm posting this is because 3 or 4 friends, and now a co-worker have noticed I'm off. Being a somewhat talented physicist, I have written a few papers which my colleagues praised as nearly revolutionary and which they think will draw serious attention. Well, in studying history, I've been led to think my dedication to physics will only put more power in the hands of the governing elite. Look what Feynman and Oppenheimer and others did...North Korea has nuclear weapons! I've sort of lost interest in physics itself, largely doing it because I must rise to fame through an exact science if I hope to become a influential philosopher. My colleages have noticed I don't have the same mental freshness, and they know I'm in some labyrinth of thoughts other than micomagnetism. They always remind me to relax and just breathe, so they suspect neurosis, but they have not launched accusations that I'm hallucinating or suffering delusions brought about through misapplicaiton of induction. In fact, my professor colleagues have entertained some of my more difficult questions about the philosophy of science, and politics in academics as well as in society in general. Although they don't always agree with me, I'm very lucky to be able to share my ideas with people besides my age group. I feel like my expectations are what cause my disappointment and sulking away from the academic community into the writings of my heros, but I acknowledge it may well be schizophrenia.

Sometimes I feel like I'm better off in my world of fantasy and curiosity, but when I see how many people don't see the meat of my arguments, I'm troubled and think I should go back to physics for the time be just for the sake of my own satisfaction and psychological needs and for the sake of conforming to the herd and not drawing attention.

I hope to receive guidance. I think this could be very serious, but I think a lot of this can be undone through positive thinking, not medication and intense therapy/isolation.

Thoughts? (Please don't tell me to go to a doctor, because that will be expensive and I will probably find a shitty doctor at first...and I'd like to have at least SOME idea of my problem before I go talking about it and paying for it.)

Sorry for the scrambled thoughts, but maybe they, too, will reveal something of my internal nature.

[khemix]

First, lets define our terms. Neurosis is the condition of literally being nervous and anxious. You don't sound like you have anxiety issues from what you've posted... at least not enough to warrant being called a disorder. Psychosis is the state of being delusional and this sounds more like it fits the bill here. You haven't mentioned anything about depression so my preliminary guess is you have something like bipolar I or potentially developing schizophrenia. It goes without saying that I'm no doctor and that only a doctor can give you a real diagnosis. In either case though, I suspect they would put you on some kind of antipsychotic to try and quiet your mind. Your thoughts are coherent and it doesn't seem you've lost touch with reality just yet, but there are definately elements of grandiosity and delusion in your writing. Being obsessed with ideology and displaying self-importance are hall marks of psychosis. All I can suggest is cut back on dopamine substances for now... get off stimulants if you use them (coffee, amphetamines, etc) and see a doctor ASAP and request an antipsychotic like Risperidone.

[Ampa-omega]

some things that be of help to you

meditation
internal reasoning
self reflection
psychological insight
cognitive behavioral therapy
step by step thought process

[noos]

I hope to receive guidance. I think this could be very serious, but I think a lot of this can be undone through positive thinking, not medication and intense therapy/isolation.

I don´t understand. Do you think positive thinking can solve such a complex problem? Also you want to avoid therapy? What do you mean with isolation?

IMO you are quite wrong, Get help from a psychologist/psychiatrist.

[manic_racetam]

From memory I think you're still pretty young. First or second year in college? Is that right? If not, no intention of insult, just trying to relate.

Anyway, you remind me a lot of myself when I was 19 or 20. I had this crystalline configuration of my interpretation of the model of the universe in my head. I obsessed over it for years. It was in four dimensions and it encompassed every possibility happening at the same time. Then as it developed, and as I obsessed over it for longer periods of time it began to make more and more sense to me. And then it started repeating forever ad infinitum (cyclic model of the universe) When I described it to my family they were disturbed by the detail with which I described it.

I remember one time I was talking about my ideas with my mom and brother during dinner. My brother said, "Man, we can be having such a nice time together and then you come out and take the conversation out to there." At the time it hurt my feelings and created a deeper sense of isolation from the rest of the world. But now I recognize that I was speaking in extremes and absolutes and had developed a kind of rigid and obsessive thought pattern.

I had a very thorough view of what I thought the nature of the physical universe was. And over the years I started adding a spiritual aspect to it and it became more complex as I became more personally involved. In retrospect, the more detailed and grandiose the idea became, the more distant I became from the people around me. When someone understood what I was talking about when explaining it to them, I was elated. When people were bored and uninterested in hearing it, or it was "above their head" I'd become frustrated and it would ruin my mood.

I don't think I was schizophrenic or that it was some kind borderline psychosis or anything. I've always had ADHD which may have turned into a mild case of bipolar II, but that's all pending psychiatric approval LOL!

But for sure I think that these kinds of thoughts have the possibility to escalate into full blown mania if left unchecked. The nature of an idea that makes sense only to yourself or that has a lot of personal importance that borders on grandiosity (changing the world, being chosen to develop groundbreaking science, etc) is a recipe for run-away narcissistic cycles of thought.... BUT the fact that you are admitting that you may have a problem is reason for me to think you probably are going to be just fine.

I have a friend with a serious case of bipolar I, and he goes into full blown hallucinations and mania, and when it happens it happens really fast. Some of the warning signs are him seeing and talking about "coincidences" and finding deep meaning in every tiny detail of mundane existence. The other warning sign is speaking in extremes and absolutes that cannot be argued with or gone against. And in these instances there is no pointing out that he's acting weird or it's met with very defensive behavior.

I notice the change in him when compromise goes out the window in friendly conversation. When something that was supposed to be light-hearted and said in a half joking manner is replied to with a "fundamentalist" extreme type answer that doesn't fit the situation. I'm grateful for his friendship because it's taught me a lot about myself too. I try to notice when I'm thinking in extremes or "black and white" and I really make an effort to get outside my head on a regular basis (get out and talk to my friends and really try to pay attention to what they are saying).

Anyway, glad you shared on this. Hope everything works itself out.