As a kid, growing up I was always antisocial and deranged also psychotic.
I do not understand why I am the way I am. I use to go around killing insects for fun. I would hunt down salamanders and collect them. I put them in a mason jar and after I felt I had enough I use to kill them for fun. I remember using a 2x4, nails and a hammer. I would nail salamanders to a cross that I made when I was nine years old.
I would torture them by cutting off all their feet and tail and let them live with a nail jammed into their body. After I felt they suffered enough pain I would chop their heads off.
I would choose which ones would live and which ones would die as well. I'd let one or two ones go just for the sake of it.
My parents did not like each other and they fought all the time. My mom was an alcoholic and my dad abused her.
He worked all the time and when he came home he was always mad. I was never hit my self. My brother was both physically and mentally abused. I was only mentally abused as a child. Never hit.
I was a very neglected yet spoiled child. I was pulled out of school in the first grade after suffering an injury to my hand. I never went back. My mom tried to home-school me but I always threw hissy fits and wanted to sit on the computer all the time. I simply did not want to go to school, to talk to any kids. I always felt as if I wasn't liked by my peers and that they judged me, even at this very young of an age.
I spent my child hood playing video games, lots of them. I was left to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
I see now that the computer as a child is a very, very serious addiction if left untreated.
I played violent video games such as Quake, Counter Strike, and so on. I've used a computer since the age of six and I am now almost in my mid twenties.
My uncle lived with us and he was also a raging alcoholic. I witnessed him fight many times with my dad.
My parents loved me. I just feel as if they didn't take care of me, and I also now feel as if I didn't take care of my self at all. I simply didn't care about my future, or about anything much else than my immediate family and the computer.
I got to stay up all night and go to sleep at six am, wake up in the middle of the day and continue to play video games.
When my uncle passed away in my driveway one evening from a massive heart attack after a long history of alcohol and drug abuse, I was awaken by my brother in the hall way. He was sixteen at the time. He was punching the wall and telling me that our uncle was dead.
My grandfather also lived with us, he sat there at the table doing a puzzle, never crying or doing anything much else. He didn't want to speak after the ambulance left. Everyone else went to the hospital besides my brother, grandfather and I.
Shortly after this I started worrying about my mom dying. constantly. I was always afraid that she was going to die in a car wreck, or die like my uncle did.
I would have to pray a certain number of times (usually an even number) every night otherwise I literally felt as if god was going to take my mom away.
Growing up I was never exposed to social elements, I did not go to school. I did not have friends. I did not talk to anyone besides people on the internet and my immediate family. At the age of fourteen I started abusing drugs. Nothing major. I started reading online on a forum called totse. I found my moms marjiuana pipe and heated up the resin and smoked it. Before this the very first time i smoked I was five years old. I do not remember it and I only know of it because of my brother telling me about it.
I started reading about cough pills like benadryl and got really heavy into that since it was readily available to me. I didn't start seriously smoking bud until my brother started hooking me up with it. I do not blame him. We had a shitty child hood and I love him to death. It was my own choice to start doing drugs.
At the age of seventeen I started heavily getting into them. Painkillers, DXM, alcohol, Gaba antagonists like Neurontin
It became a downhill spiral just increasingly getting more and more fucked up. In 2009 the incense rage just started hitting my area. I smoked tons of it.
I moved nearly 1000 miles away with my brother and his wife from the rest of our family.
In 2012 my mom and grand mom passed away, I got in a car wreck which almost killed my brother. I wasn't harmed.
This all happened within a three month time span.
He spent the next two years rehabilitating.
This sent me on a downward spiral because at first I thought he was going to die along with my mom and grand mom. I started becoming heavily suicidal as I was left with nobody. I did not trust the rest of my family back up north, nor did I trust the people I was with at the time. One person I trusted slightly, but the others around her I did not.
When my brother was rehabilitating I did not see him as much as I should have. I did not trust the people that were staying at my house 1 1/2 hours away from the hospital he was at.
I was doing drugs and drinking even more at this point, trying to escape what happened.
I will always regret not being there every step of the way for him. It is permanently in-stained into my mind.
I started becoming socially exposed around the age of 19. It isn't until now at the riple old age of 23 that I've realized how much of a fool I have been acting and how poorly I treat people.
I simply do not care about people. I am ashamed. I do not know why this is. I am also extremely afraid of having to talk to people, I feel as if groups of two or more people try to plot against me, talk about me behind my back, etc.
The ones that I do talk to I use them. I feel including my brother as well.
I am always worried about something. Things repeat in my head over and over.
Everything I have was given to me and I did nothing to get any of it. I feel as if I will be a bum one day as I have no ambition to complete my education or get a full time job working 40 hours a week for someone who doesn't give a fuck about me just so I can pay 600-800 a month in bills and have little spending money or energy left over to legitimately make more money because I am poor as shit.
I am prone to sudden violent and psychotic outbursts. At the age of fourteen I went to a psychiatrist because I had thoughts of killing my mother who I loved more than anyone in the world at the time and was afraid that she was going to die yet at the same time having these thoughts come into my head.
I don't trust anyone. I don't trust my self. I feel as if my life isn't going to get any better and I have no ambition to make it better. I feel as if I've been totally complacent the entire time of my life.
I abuse drugs and have bad urges. I'm totally sporadic and end up committing crimes. They're mostly non violent toward other humans.
At the age of 21 I started hearing people talk about me... when they weren't even there! or walking away.
They'll say things like "You're useless." "You're an idiot." "Who gives a fuck about you anyway?"
"Once he's dead, it'll all be mine anyway." "You're going to have a shitty future." "I fucking hate you."
"Nobody likes you." "The only reason why anyone talks to you is because of your brother."
Pretty much thoughts that I have in my head I hear people tell me even though they aren't telling me. I feel as if these thoughts are words that have come out of their mouth. It is eating away at me. I do not know who or what to believe anymore. I do not trust anyone!! Including my self! Anyone I meet I'm extremely paranoid of.
Please help.
Update:
AS of this moment right now. I heard someone walk by my room. So I thought they said "Have fun posting your life story on the internet." I started feeling angry. Then I immediately thought that my brother had keylogged my computer and that he's secretly against me. I love him to death so why would I think this?
Edited by lostsoul, 05 August 2015 - 02:46 AM.