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So numb that I don't even feel smoking a cigarette, brain is like a breeze block

numb emotions front of head blank

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#1 MARm

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 12:27 PM

Hi all! Just joined yesterday. Read this forum many times, but now i'd love some advice on two health problems, thought i'd start of with one less complex, but robbing me of daily living. I've had Depersonalization 2.5 years now (gosh). Got all the typical symptoms, yet my anxiety is very low, it's the blank mind, emotional numbness that's really stopping me, oh and memory/time issues. 


I know DP is a journey of many trials and errors. I'm pretty confident i'll get the right medication some day, most doctors and psychiatrists don't seem to want to give me anything, but anyway, i've drawn a list of 14. I had good success at a time on Mirtazapine for 3 months before I had to quit to figure out the other health issue. (I'll start another thread once I get MRI this week). Just giving some background.


I've got my own ideas, done two years of research but I'd love to know what you guys and girls know / think on the following: 


When I use to smoke a cigarette I could feel it in my head, nicotine rush, (i don't want to sway anyone) but to me Dopamine rush. 

Now my head feels like a brick and smoking a cigarette feels like nothing at all.


When I drink, drive fast, drunk, roller coaster, basically anything that would have given me a buzz = Nothing, 

It's not the emotions, I know they are blank unmedicated it's the feeling in my head or lack of it worries me more. 


Cambridge DP test would have been on the 70/80 percent at the start but now is down to 45% and on Mirtazapine for 3 months doing the test again would be around 20% with thoughts slowly coming back and emotions, which was a good sign.  


It's out of 22, but I have deleted all the 0% just to give you an idea of my DP

  1. 70% - Cut of from the world 
  2. 50% - Observer of myself 
  3. 100% - No Emotions 
  4. 25% - Voice sounds remote 
  5. 100% - No thoughts 
  6. 80% - Time perception
  7. 50% - Detached from memories
  8. 100% - Feelings of affection friends and family 
  9. 20% - Pencil feels like not mine when holding it
  10. 100% - Can’t picture things in my mind
  11. 60% - Doesn’t feel like my own arm when pinch it
  12. 20% Feeling outside body
  13. 40% - Things happen automatically 


The question is kinda, can I be so emotionally numb that a cigarette can't release enough Dopamine to get the usual feeling, is this chemical balance or have I actually damaged my brain? Ps, if you are wondering one night of cocaine gave me DP. Regret obviously but it was on the surface from a break up of 6 years that my anxiety and depression could not deal with. I already had the signs, I just at the time did not understand them. 


Replies so welcome



#2 jaiho

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 03:35 AM

Lack of response to drugs, and lack of feelings as you explain sounds like a very deep depression.

Your depression is not sufficiently treated if you're experiencing those symptoms.

Mirtazapine is not very effective on its own, you might need to add an SNRI to it.

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#3 MARm

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 11:09 PM

Thanks Jaiho! truly much appreciated.   


Both points taken on board, hopefully if I lift the depression I'll get the feeling in my head. I just find it weird that it can be so low that chemicals and things that should be felt aren't... guess I got to work on that depression first! My MRI was normal so it has to chemical really... i think?


Effexor is the SNRI i've heard most about, so i'd probably go with it + Mirtazapine? 


First though I need to fix my main issue as although I am diagnosed with DP/PTSD/Depression/Anxiety my new doctor won't treat it currently. It's far more unique as I can't find a single thing that comes close, nor can my Endocrinologist, GP or P doc. Post coming this week  

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