All good! I spent so much time scouring the net...it's such an obscure problem to express, or get across, and not be confused with other things or tics, lack of muscle control, and points i've mentioned aboveetc etc.
Definitely stay on the medication if it is helping, you will know when you are ready if you are sincere about improving . Use it until you can delve into what you need to, it's important to be what you need to be for your kids for sure, in the scheme of things it's an incredibly minor malady, but it really did a number on my life first; so it's all relative but at least it's not incurable or something deeper routed. Also while the DHEA made you aware it would have happened at some stage in your life from too much coffee or at any moment regardless; in some ways you are lucky to have this happen now rather than later. I saw this thread by complete accident, i don't even know what it was that got me here! I was looking up completely irrelevant nootropics Then just had to have a laugh that I'm not the only one with this going on, I felt glad; and had I not been where I am I'd probably have just exacerbated your symptoms.
The whole awareness thing, anticipation: it's almost like a mind trap for over thinkers.
I'm used to solving all my own problems and I was damn certain I'd solve this one somehow some way...never did I think it would be during the hardest part of it all that I did.
I had tried just facing the fears down but the lack of those fears being de-fanged or blunted when I did so ( i expected maybe a few times and i'd be set but no...) it just freaked me out more. I felt even less capable of dealing but I kept on keeping on, it was just absolutely exhausting working full time and then public transport back home where I couldn't switch off... and believe me; I know how you feel - I've gone through panic attacks several times before in my life, and I know that feeling of when you've just been brutalised or at least it feels that way, but it's a gradual thing...I thought I'd have this for life no one was of any help, it's such a specific abstracted thing.
It's no weakness to use the meds, I even tell friends this and it is your life at the end of the day; Drugs are amazing tools for lateral thinking, new perspectives and insights into mindsets you would normally retreat from or not consider due to an adrenal or conditioned habitual response.
Here's what I find insidious about this one though, due to the anticipatory nature, you are constantly priming that pathway, it's getting soo much attention because you're trying so hard to solve it; you forget how you even were before this, so you look for events, you look for anything...but it's just that awareness. The event is exactly what you're doing, hence the trap
Also I've learnt to deal with adrenaline response effectively too; this was always a major problem of mine once the adrenaline dropped...i'd lose my shit; now once it drops it doesn't matter, I standup for myself, I'm not afraid of intimidating people,they're puffed up bullies that are insecure themselves.
Even when I landed my dream job I ended up feeling very uncomfortable as the pressure to be at my best and the anticipatory reactions were combining in horrible ways. Peoples eye contact started setting me off, I'd become timid and scared, I felt like this cowardly shadow of myself, but I hadn't even faced that yet. This is where physical exercise comes in too - despite the mentally enhancing effects and neurotransmitter cascades released, serotonin,dopa, noradrenaline, gaba; you feel more sociable you feel more confident.Don't underestimate this one! It's as important as any medication if not more.
as it did for me among a few others I ended up on benzos finally when i'd let this thing invade too many areas of my life and erode my confidence. I did a lot of freelance work so im used to EXCESSIVE time by myself in an empty place, which is pretty damn conducive to making you more neurotic...
I became borderline agoraphobic which is why I ended up deciding to opt for the benzos route, obviously doctors are hesitant to do this but I chose the least toxic and most proven anxiolytic I could; I just wasn't coping and I couldn't take time out then (i respond horrible to the uptake inhibitors, couldn't pay me to take that poison, ssri's particularly but it works great for some people. And yeah I knew all the pharmacology I was getting myself into) but the most important thing was during the time period the benzos were effective...I learnt I could just be me, twitches, rough edges, whatever; and people loved me more for just speaking my mind rather than keeping it all in my head and analysing it till wits end (my life is better than ever currently) I also worked heavily on my health and fitness again, something I've done for the last 10 years but really stepped it up... got to be confident in your own skin
I have no kids and i was touched to find my friends and family and people i'd helped in the past were there for me in kind if they could understand, mostly I was too proud to reach out and felt so stupid.. such a weird trivial thing, explaining that to someone; everytime they'rer just a bit *does not compute* puzzled, which doesn't help, haha.
The support defeated a lot of my cynicism. Ultimately though...the day I dropped it was about (6 months into daily use) tolerance always built on the benzos, i refused to keep upping my dosage, panic and anxiety was returning, and i absolutely hated the fact I was physically addicted to them. If i lost a bottle or misplaced it or anything, that alone would set me off after say 10 minutes of coping, i'd start to freak out...this was as stressful as a panic attack anyway!
Psychological addiction I can deal with, its just in my head and temporary neurotransmitter imbalances. Cakewalk compared to that physical feedback loop. It's the same reason you find it so hard btw. Not that you're addicted and your meds are losing effecacy but more that physical feeds back into mental, mental feeds back into physical. Ultimately you need to not let mental prompt physical though. What really worked for me was being in the throws of serious withdrawal, tapered too fast myself...stuck in a waiting room waiting, my doc hours late; and then having to keep a cool. If you can make it through above normal anxiety situations e.g. extreme anxiety, you can definitely deal with normal anxiety etc.
The biggest thing to try and do is don't anticipate. The moment you do you've broken attention, you're waiting for that next eye contact or that next gesture and then for whatever reason you'll react to it? Worst is it makes you just feel... really foolish, but it's important not to beat up on yourself; this just adds to it again.
A book you should read I think will really help (dont worry it's not some obscure crazy thing: hey look scientology or the bible (haha, freedom of beliefs and all but just kidding) http://www.amazon.co...k/dp/B0055PGUYU (mine is white and red but i believe that's it same author same topic. This will teach you about the pathways I was vaguely referring to before. This book will make you realise... If you cant afford it torrent it, borrow it; do what you have to. It's amazing. It's late im tired and my paragraphs are everywhere. Hope this helps!
Best of luck!