Hi all,
So for as long as I can remember I always had some minor OCD tics, just the usual mundane not stepping on sidewalk cracks etc, which never bothered me at all, never even gave it a second thought.
At the age of 20 (I’m now 26) in my second year of University I started doing MDMA relatively regularly. Unfortunately my friends and I at the time were unaware of the 3 month rule or anything to do with sensible rolling. The summer after that year, I was walking with a friend when suddenly I became very aware of the movement of my lips when speaking, which naturally made me panic and I was unable to stop thinking about it. To an extent I still have it to this day, mainly when I’m anxious.
The six years since I carried on doing drugs recreationally with my friends, not really caring about being careful - sometimes mixing MDMA, pills, coke, weed etc. I still never really thought about the speaking OCD tic as it was relatively manageable, and I didn’t consider that anxiety from drugs (I never had anxiety until I started taking them and over the years it’s got worse) is what caused it.
Fast forward to last September, my dad passed away. It was a long time coming and though it was very traumatic, he was sick and wanted to go and so it didn’t seem so bad. Stupidly, 3 days after the funeral I went to a festival with some friends and took a pill (maybe 2, can’t remember). I had a great night, and woke up with serious dry mouth. Suddenly as I went to get water I was consciously aware of my swallowing, which gave me a pretty intense dread. The come down was terrible, and i was worried I would be conscious of each swallow, but after a few days and being busy with work I kind of forgot about this new tic.
October rolls around and I go travelling, having a blast in Southeast Asia and the new OCD is forgotten. December/January i’m with a friend in NZ, being an idiot I still haven’t attributed any anxiety/OCD to drugs and do a pill for New Years Eve. About a week later that OCD about swallowing comes back strong and it hasnt left. It consumes my thoughts 90% of the day, huge anxiety about it never going away, and has turned me into a person I don’t recognise. I used to be the happiest guy on earth, and I should be - I’ve just moved abroad, met an amazing girl, about to start a new job. But I can’t find any joy in life now and every day is a struggle. I used to love bouncing out of bed at 6am and hitting the gym, in a great mood and ready to take the world on. Now i stay in bed as long as possible to avoid the world as long as I can, and spend most of my time buried in Google searches about how to undo the damage.
So i’ve come to you guys for help - I’m not particularly clued up on neuroscience but I know there’s some incredibly smart folks on here.
Is it possible I’ve burned out my serotonin beyond repair and I’m totally screwed? Or how can I replenish it as fast as possible? Or could it be entirely different - glutamate levels etc? So far I’ve just started on fish oil and B12 supplements, and I’ve been trying some probiotic (lactobacillus rhamnosus) which apparently helps with OCD. It’s only been a few days so no change yet.
I just want my life back. 6 months ago I was unrecognisable to who I am now.
Any recommendations would be amazing, I feel utterly hopless. Needless to say after experiencing this i’ll never touch drugs again.
Thank you in advance.