2 votes
Posted 06 September 2018 - 08:21 PM
"Some people really are in a state where suicide is understandable, and a compassionate response wouldn't condemn it or see it as a negative outcome relative to the alternative."
Posted 06 September 2018 - 09:00 PM
Outcome relative to the alternative? You don't even know what that is - the alternative. From what you wrote, I see that you choose to not seek out relationships because you're already folding before you even put your hand in the game, without seeing all the cards first. Because the "idea" of the negative outcome of being too short or not highly rated enough thwarts any effort you make. Funny because these ratings are self-imposed as are your expectations, which are based in your own negative thought loops, but not from anything real. Did you flunk out of school? Did you have multiple failed relationships? Have you tried to go out there and be social in some group setting and failed? You think you know, but you really don't and refuse to give it a shot.
As far as I know, you haven't attempted to find your path or tried taking classes or doing things that might actually fix your situation. Instead, you devise elaborate chemical plans of wanting to kill yourself and expect compassion from a board mostly full of people who are trying, fighting and struggling to do exactly what you refuse to - not give up. Buddy, I'm sorry. You have loads of compassion here, but you do the best with the hand you're dealt and find happiness within and try to overcome what you can. There is no other standard than your own personal one. If you wanted compassionate responses to support your suicide plan, then Im afraid this is probably the wrong place for that, as this is a forum that is comprised of people that are looking for help and to extend their lives, not prematurely end them. Help exists, but not to support suicidal missions of young adults, with no physical disabilities and who are more than capable of doing and being better. Alternatively, there is tons of compassion on the other end towards those that do make the choice to kill themselves, but unfortunately the help is no longer relevant and they aren't around to receive or benefit or even see if it makes a difference in their lives. I guess that outcome is more attractive to you than the idea of potential failure in your life.
If you want help in the real world, then take steps to get it in the real world. "Some are really in a state where suicide is understandable"? Sorry, you're not there yet. I don't see it. You're ungrateful. You're not dying. No terminal illness, no other physical limitations, no chronic pain. You're not a prisoner, not shackled or restricted in any way except for your own negative beliefs of yourself and you have another potential 50+ years to achieve your goals. A lot of folks would take those odds and make the best of them. A lot of folks have much worse odds and still do amazing things and manage to even help others in that process. It's not condemnation, but sadness I feel when reading your posts and if sadness is the response you wanted to elicit, then you've been successful. I respond with compassion because it's worth it, because you're still around to receive it and are in a situation to be helped. If that changes, then these answers become irrelevant anyway and who gives a fuck about condemnation or compassion, for that matter.
What you do with your life from this point, and the decisions you make are entirely up to you. If you choose a suicide path, then you will choose to truly HAVE BEEN be a self-created loser with no further ability to turn that around and do better. I find the alternative, continuing the struggle, a much better option, personally.
Posted 07 September 2018 - 05:03 AM
"Some people really are in a state where suicide is understandable, and a compassionate response wouldn't condemn it or see it as a negative outcome relative to the alternative."
I agree with the quote. But I'm going to second that you don't fit here.
That's a statement for people who have extremely physically painful medical issues which will lead to death in the near to intermediate future with almost 100% chance of no cure or treatment within that timespan. Like some of worse cancers and other diseases like that.
I've been suicidal before to the point that I had a plan and the only thing I was waiting on was for the store to open so I could gather supplies. I spoke to someone online about it and fortunately they called the suicide hotline and I got a welfare check by an officer and was taken to the hospital.
The push of your mind into suicidality isn't you. It's part of the disease. Keep fighting it.
People have mentioned meds that might help with suicidality. I'll mention the one most proven that also helps with bipolar cycling.
Lithium
It's the only well researched medicine known to turn off that suicidality 'switch' and it's also an effective mood stabilizer. Yes, it can have terrible sides, but this sounds like a case where it would be worth it.
Posted 07 September 2018 - 01:08 PM
Hey Buddy,
Hope that you are feeling better today. Just wanted to say there is no judgement or condemnation of you here. I am very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. As the last poster mentioned:
The push of your mind into suicidality isn't you. It's part of the disease. Keep fighting it.
People have mentioned meds that might help with suicidality. I'll mention the one most proven that also helps with bipolar cycling.
Lithium
It's the only well researched medicine known to turn off that suicidality 'switch' and it's also an effective mood stabilizer. Yes, it can have terrible sides, but this sounds like a case where it would be worth it.
It must be hard to see that, but from others that have been there and lived through it, I can verify that it's an accurate statement. At the very least, call the crisis intervention hotline and talk to someone there. The may be able to guide and help you in more productive ways. Help surely does exist if you seek it out, and recovery is very possible once you do. My best. 
Edited by cat-nips, 07 September 2018 - 01:11 PM.
Posted 07 September 2018 - 02:45 PM
Hi again,
Apologies if any of my posts came across as preaching. Not my intention. Instead, I'd like to tell you an anecdotal summary of my 30-day involuntary and inpatient stay at the hospital's mental ward, post-attempt. Among all the patients, there were 5 of us, all ages and demographics that were there for the same reason. We were locked in, shut off from the world and no one was permitted to leave.
Denise - 18 year old F. She had been assaulted, gang-raped and left for dead and couldn't resume normal functioning for months prior to her attempt that landed her at the ward. She had stopped speaking completely, to anyone. I don't remember her method. She was there for nearly 6 months before she was well enough to go back outside or leave.
Kayla - 17 yr old F. Rejected by a college she had her heart set on. Some boy issues. Emotional. Supportive parents. Her method was pills and her stay was 30-days.
Mike - 35yr old M. Involved with service professions. Had done volunteer firefighting, EMT work, and was working in a corporate security position. Apparently he had seen too much and was having some issues with post-traumatic stress. At one of the situations he was involved in, he recounted jumping on top the firetruck and waving his weapon around in front of law enforcement, ranting and screaming about how he was going to blow his brains out. His stay was 30-days.
John - 37 yr old M. He came from private schools and affluence, was an unsuccessful, aspiring writer, entirely too sensitive and emotional, gifted with words, and completely self-involved. I believe his method was pills, further details unknown. His stay was 30-days.
Me - 17 yr old F. - At the cumulative end of a shitty and traumatic childhood, an attempt made with pills, and then a call made about 2 hours post to my X boyfriend at the time, pre-cell phone days, whom I got extremely lucky that he was home, answered and responded. By the time the ambulance reached me, I was delirious, resisting help, and the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital with IVs sticking out of me, face/mouth covered in the charcoal and vomit and etc that had been induced .
The point being that all of us were there from various backgrounds in life and had somehow become delusional in our pain and lost on our paths. We were the lucky ones to get help and survive. There are countless others that are not so lucky.
I kept up with them via letters for a few years (pre/early internet) and as far as I know, they all persisted and continued to struggle. The common theme with all of us however, is that we all regretted it and were horrified to consider the repercussions had we not received help.
Over 2 decades later, I am forever guilt-ridden and permanently scarred from the stress I must have caused my mother during that time and still cry uncontrollably when I revisit that time. She passed away just over a year later, suddenly. She was my biggest advocate, but I was too caught up in my own selfish perception of life and the pain it caused me to see beyond that. It is my biggest regret - that sorrow and angst that I caused her with my attempt. When she passed, I was out of the house, working at a job, and living with someone, and taking classes. A lot changed that year and the following years with things that I obviously didn't consider when in the depths of the sadness.
Extremely painful to revisit, but I do so for you, and to write these words to you and anyone else in that state, in the hopes that it may provide some perspective and solace. It really isn't worth it.
Edited by cat-nips, 07 September 2018 - 02:50 PM.
Posted 07 September 2018 - 06:12 PM
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