66 replies to this topic

[lemontruth]

This is basically what I'm sending to my psychiatrist for a psych evaluation tomorrow; I won't bother reformatting this because I frankly don't have the energy to look through all of it again. 

 

_________________________________________________________

 

 

I'm a 24 year old male. I've been generally socially isolated (lack of consistent communication/barely-no friends) for 10+ years, and deal with various mental health issues because of it. The reason why this occurred was because of things that were out of my control that transpired at the age of 12. I was taken out of school for three years due to family abuse and negligent parents. Three years later, going back into school, I couldn’t adapt socially and academically - resulting in severe social anxiety and depression; progressively deteriorating mental health ever since the age of 15. Ever since graduation I’ve coped with it by generally shutting off society and daydreaming. Now, I’m in a position where I earnestly (and desperately) want to change, but my situation may force me to settle - which is completely unacceptable to me.

 

My story - timeline:

 

Age 2: Start showing signs of Asperger's/early onset. I learned how to read on my own at a very young age, and based on my findings, it's likely that this was due to Hyperlexia/a splinter skill, which is usually tied to ASD's (If you don't know what that is) My mother doesn't know what's going on with me, as I experience meltdowns, the like.

Age 5: Diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD by Dr. Bertram Ruttenberg, the guy who founded the Center for Autism back in the 1950s.

Age 5-9, Public elementary school: School felt like prison to me. Anxious to an extent. I was REALLY hyper in Kindergarten due to my anxiety, teasing others, yelling at teachers, etc. Eventually I calmed down significantly and in the first grade I became the passive, socially introverted/isolated quiet kid, a character which lasted throughout my school years with a few variations in between.

Age 8- My psychiatrist, Dr. Ruttenberg, retires and refers me to another psychiatrist nearby (Dr. Lee Dante, MD). This new psychiatrist ends up being an important part of this story. My father started seeing him after a panic attack over work. He was put on the same drug and dosage I was prescribed (30mg Adderall XR) and he ended up abusing this substance. However, Dante kept prescribing him this drug.

Age 9 1/2: After having minor anxiety issues in public school for four years, fourth grade is the last straw, due to major anxiety symptoms over a situation involving my teacher humiliating me in front of students (some mornings, I literally shit my pants before walking to school, at the thought of facing her). I end up being sent to a PreK-12 specialized private school (for students having trouble integrating in public schools due to certain cognitive/neurological and behavioral issues, such as ADHD, ODD, Asperger's/High functioning autism, low functioning autism, bipolar disorder, etc.). My experience here, in the lower school, was far more comfortable than public school, even felt therapeutic in a way, the difference in structure. I actually made some friends and opened up socially in a way I never did in public school, though I was still quiet and reserved. I started becoming more intimate with personal interests; at this time, severe weather was the thing that enthralled me more than anything before. All I did was watch The Weather Channel and observe storms of all kinds in my backyard.

During this time, my parents started arguing far more than they did before. I noticed this because it was an unusual type of communication from my parents. Fortunately it was only significant debate being resolved in one to two days, but these scuffles would occur every two to three weeks on average, and become more frequent as the months went on.

Age 12: Over the next two years, the arguments with my parents and emotional state in my father increase and decrease respectively. My father starts beating my mother, he ends up losing jobs, he starts sleeping for two to three days every one to two weeks on average - behavior that is VERY unusual. Because of the lack of grasp on his jobs, and since we were renting houses, he couldn't pay rent. We were technically homeless. Luckily, my grandmother (who was present throughout my childhood thus far, so it wasn't THAT abnormal) helped us out and let us move into her place. However, it was only for two weeks - we were kicked out after this brief period.

 

Then we were homeless for real. We tried to contact my mother's older sister, and she called the police on us. We were desperately trying to find a place to stay, and when we asked Dante, he actually agreed to let us stay; something that he wasn't allowed to even do. He actually had another patient staying over at his house, at this same time.

This is where things start to get really bleak and the socially isolated downward spiral begins. Since my parents can't consistently provide for me, my sister and I stop going to school. This started happening in November 2006.

Christmas 2006: Amazingly, (my father probably panhandled or asked Dante for money - he would do that a lot) I received my first laptop, with internet access to boot. Since I had literally nothing to do all day, I spent all my time on the computer.

I spent every day on my computer, looking up meaningless things; watching YouTube videos. For some reason, interests I had that I would obsess over as a child, like weather, started waning. I just watched YouTube all day, just meaningless fluff. As I got more used to the internet I started finding other message boards, which I would start browsing, sometimes religiously. But most importantly: I started daydreaming far more than before. I had no choice but to shut off the world as a coping mechanism, which was hazardous for my natural inclination towards life - ambitious, adventurous. I started developing high standards for my adulthood, but was becoming developmentally stunted and began to dig a hole for myself.

 

 

Dante still keeps giving (not prescribing) my father Adderall XR - but only every once in a while, giving him breathing room for destructive withdrawals. My dad was probably to blame for this too, though, he was an ex-salesman - he had above-average social skills, and probably took advantage of Dante's vulnerability. Dante was essentially an enabler, nearly playing the role of a drug dealer.

 

Age 15, December 2009: 3 years later, I ended up going back to school. Same school - started my freshman year of high school. See my old friends from lower school there, reconnect - but something is off. All of a sudden I cannot relate to my peers. I cannot hold conversations because I do not have life experiences appropriate to my age due to my chronic isolation. I also had experiences early on where friends of my old friends, extroverted assholes, made fun of me, and I actually thought that whatever they said had merit because they were associated with my friends. From this point (and this was literally just a month into high school) I completely withdrew into myself, never spoke in class, especially when the assholes were around. I used the same daydreaming coping mechanisms that I used to escape the family abuse. I fixate on these feelings and cannot concentrate, and I'm overwhelmed by how much I have to catch up on my grades that I missed, how the work seems much more advanced, even to the point of seeming foreign (more on this later) This continued throughout the year, then during sophomore year onwards, I adapted a little more to the situation, but still dealt with the same issues; went further down the spiral, and filtered everything into my heavily distorted, blurred reality. I was still adamant about my future though, because I wanted to be successful in life, and accomplish goals that helped me remain optimistic about my future and helped me get through the abuse - so there were ups and downs. I tried to integrate myself every now and then, but almost always failed miserably. What's amazing is nobody noticed; and the ones that did know about my situation with family abuse didn't bother caring. Nearly every single staff member assumed I was slower than the average high functioning autistic, so they lowered their expectations and talked down to me, and the like, and for a while I strongly considered they were right, which destroyed my self-esteem. I had no one in my life that was able to do proper damage control; I was alienating my old friends away and unable to make new ones, I didn't talk to my family, there was literally no one there to help me. When I had free time, I did the same thing I did during the abuse - I roamed the internet nearly all day, and spent all day inside my head (even at school).

 

Age 16, early 2011: During sophomore year, my parents finally separated, my mother, sister and I moved out of Dante's house, mother was able to make amends with her family (amazingly), they helped us out/made up for their wrongs (mainly my grandmother and my aunt/mother's oldest sister) finally found a cheap house, my father never recovered from his drug addiction after a failed rehab stint, and I haven't seen him since February 2011 (age 16 1/2) - if I had to venture a guess, he's probably dead.

 

Age 17, September 2011: Junior year: start routine of half day public technical school (my idea: I wasn't kidding about being adamant about my future) half day private school. Just like in my other school, I collapse in technical school as well. Culinary arts is a disaster for me; my reading comprehension issues extend into problems with executive function, due to my inability to get out of the daydreaming coping mechanisms. I'm essentially as clumsy as Dr. Steve Brule (without the obvious extreme speech/social issues) and manage to alienate my entire class, even to the point of getting picked on. I continue the daydreaming, still have no one in my life. What's somewhat peculiar is around this time I finally start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Therapy doesn't help me, as I constantly perseverate and lack the self-awareness to understand what is really going on. Prescription drugs don't help, either, though Adderall (which helped me quite a bit as a child) did help for a brief period of time, I can't remember why I stopped taking it.

 

Age 18, July 2012: After doing some research on Asperger's, I wonder if I have it. I ask my mother about it, and she informs me that I was diagnosed with it at age 4 1/2. This throws me into shell shock, but I calm down later on, even though I still worry about it from time to time and wonder if this is why I am failing, rather than having my education disrupted.

 

September 2012: Senior year, switch from Culinary to IT/Computer Networking. Technical school is far more comfortable this year, even manage to get along with some classmates, but my ADHD/SCT symptoms make it incredibly hard to grasp the concepts of IT and computers, and more importantly, retain information. This year was by far the easiest out of the four, but it was still pretty hellish, and the daydreaming continued. Still isolated; roam the computer all day and daydream. I manage to find an interest in MBTI/Jungian Typology, but I'm really slow to comprehend it due to my myriad issues.

 

Age 18-24, June 2013-present: I graduate high school with poor grades, completely uneducated because of the precedent that was set during freshman year; how I fixated and perseverated on why I just couldn't fit in, just withdrew into myself, didn't focus in class at all, just exclusively fixated on my self-consciousness, disassociated from everything very much like with the family abuse. Really, I graduated UNEDUCATED. I struggle to find a job, become suicidal for the first time in my life in September 2013 over the idea of having Asperger's, because of the low-quality prognosis that is common and how that would threaten the future I was striving for. I briefly wanted to get second opinions from experienced psychologists in an attempt to audit that diagnosis, but that plan fell through due to issues with my mother. I end up becoming a shut-in, mainly in my mind, as I'm daydreaming constantly, which helps me go outside for walks every now and then. I end up spending essentially all of my time on my computer playing video games or browsing forums to distract myself from my ugly reality. I lose contact with everyone, except my family, who I live with to this day. I nearly gave up on life, until I found Nardil in early 2016 which helped me re-structure my life and killed my depression - only to be taken off it by my psychiatrist months later because she didn't know that hypomania was only a temporary side effect. I withdrew into myself again, gave up on my life, even quasi-planned a suicide attempt for the next two years until early this year when I was put back on Nardil. As I explained before: the medication has given me a new attitude towards life and humanity, and has motivated me to achieve the goals I set out for myself years ago.

 

Current problems:

ADHD-esque learning difficulties:

This is probably the biggest problem I'm facing right now. If it wasn't for this, I would have made far more progress at this point. This is seriously wasting my life. Not only do I have an official diagnosis of ADHD-PI, but major depression and significant social anxiety have strongly influenced and enhanced these effects. Symptoms include: when reading new information/articles, I can't read in a straight line for, on average, more than 4-5 seconds; I feel like jumping out of my skin. I can't concentrate, struggle to grasp new concepts and information (even things like basic political concepts), and have a far harder time retaining them. Major issues with memory recall, processing speed and also pattern recognition. Scatter-minded, thoughts and feelings floating about everywhere. Whenever I'm involved in a new hands-on task, no matter what it is, I cannot comprehend it for the life of me, and it takes me a while to warm up to it, so to speak. Bad executive function generally speaking. 

I need to fix this in order to achieve numerous goals related to academia. It's gotten to the point to where I'm extremely concerned about my intelligence level, ESPECIALLY considering the fact that I scored in the average range in IQ in the first grade (despite still having ADHD and anxiety issues that may have affected the score, although nowhere near the level I experience this now), despite having most people that I've had at least 10 minute conversations with (including but not limited to: online people: from MBTI forums, Reddit. offline people: mostly from group therapy programs (of varying ages), therapists and psychiatrists, and two friends from high school) telling me that I am intelligent. Probably 75-85% of everyone who has heard me talk (face-to-face) for 5+ minutes in total, the other 10-15% having no discernible opinion, the other 5 percent thinking I'm stupid. Empirical observation is unreliable, but if so many people, especially therapists and psychiatrists, tell me I am intelligent, there's a pattern. But why do I struggle at such a hardcore level with numerous things related to subscores? Worst case scenario: these issues are also due to genuinely having an IQ in the average range, despite ADHD and anxiety.

Social anxiety

I don't have to go into much detail here. I'm extremely self-conscious. Terrified and intimidated of certain people. These problems combine with my (hopefully temporary) learning difficulties.

(Also, I must note that Nardil has stopped working ("pooped out"). Did some brief research and this may be due to a deficiency in B6, B12 or both. So, basically, Nardil only worked because of the classic hypomania initial effects. Going to test my levels with my general practitioner and check this out.)

 

My diagnoses:

Professional:

• Asperger's (HX)

• ADD-PI

• Social Anxiety Disorder

• Major Depressive Disorder

What I could be diagnosed with:

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Complex PTSD
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder

_________________________________________________________

 

What substances should I seek out? Should I see a neurologist? 

 

Edited by lemontruth, 04 July 2018 - 10:38 PM.

[John250]

For natural supplements look into UMP, L Tyrosine, gaba, bacop, and adaptogens like Rhodiola,etc..

[jack black]

interesting story.

you said:

"My diagnoses:

Professional:

• Asperger's (HX)

• ADD-PI

• Social Anxiety Disorder

• Major Depressive Disorder

What I could be diagnosed with:

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Complex PTSD
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

I sympathize with you because my own (self made in adulthood) Dxs are also Asperger's, ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and occasional Major Depressive Disorder (when setbacks, burnout).

I guess my other considerations include: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar.

 

Unlike you, I never saw any mental health in childhood (I was raised in backward and remote area) and only saw when depressed in adulthood, so no formal Dxs were made besides depression and/or adjustment disorders.

Like you, I had difficulty finding acceptance from peers, I just didn't fit in. I turned into obsessive reading books. Fortunately some of them were about science and I got hooked on science and that helped me with future career. Fortunately, in my time there was no Internet or streaming movies, because that stuff is addictive and my life could have been much different. 

 

This is what I take that helps me, in no particular order:

Vit B complex, NAC, DMAE, Ashwagandha, carnosine (in AM), low dose Lamictal (in AM), low dose Lithium (in PM), taurine (in PM), propranolol (as needed before social functions).

I take other things, but no evidence that they help me.

That gives me ~50% improvement of my life. 

 

What really helps is good sleep (no eating, alcohol, TV or screen time before sleep), good diet (no gluten, no simple carbs, lots of veggies and fruits), and close network of supporting family and friends. Having some degree of success in life is priceless (girlfriend, wife, career, financial stability, etc). My IQ must be above average, but was never formally accessed, and it's irrelevant at this point.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

 

[CWF1986]

I think a quality psychiatrist and psychotherapist are going to best be able to help you.  In addition, establish whatever healthy habits you can.  Start with the basics which if you're not already doing them they will take a lot of work and time.  Things like a healthy diet, exercise, and the right amount and quality sleep.  Take baby steps if you need to and always make sure to count the the small victories.  A good therapist will help you set up a plan and make steps to overcome what's holding you back and move forward to a better future.  It will take work, it will be a grind, there will be setbacks.  But all you can do is keep pushing on.

 

Good luck and God bless you.  

[Mind_Paralysis]

 

• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 

 

 

Tell me more about these two.

Why do you think you have these?

 

Apologies if this is already explained in the first post, but it's too long for me to be able to follow.

 

The two diagnoses you have mentioned above changes many, many things about you, and makes it so any potential treatments, et c, have to be completely different from someone whom "just" have the diagnoses the trained medical staff have found that you fit.

[John250]

Tell me more about these two.
Why do you think you have these?

Apologies if this is already explained in the first post, but it's too long for me to be able to follow.

The two diagnoses you have mentioned above changes many, many things about you, and makes it so any potential treatments, et c, have to be completely different from someone whom "just" have the diagnoses the trained medical staff have found that you fit.

I would be interested to know as well since I have symptoms of both of these personality disorders. I’m not very set on the whole DSM IV’s nine questions to determine if you have it or not. Simple nine questions there’s not enough to diagnose someone in my opinion.

[lemontruth]

Tell me more about these two.

Why do you think you have these?

I've looked up symptoms of BPD and I fit a couple of them; however social anxiety and stress may be causing me to masquerade as a sufferer of that disorder.

 

As for NPD - I've had three people on Reddit/forums call me one (two briefly made a reference, but one of them happened to be a psychiatrist who made a lengthy reply to a similar post I made two years ago). I briefly looked over symptoms, and I'm willing to go out on a limb and say it's a realistic possibility I could have developed it.  

[sthira]

I'm sorry you're suffering, man, your account is sad, and it bums me out to read it.

I agree with your idea of getting more professional insight, and agree with other posters here in your thread who tell you to do your best to lead a healthy, day-to-day lifestyle. It won't hurt. Think of exercise and a healthy diet as management tools. They aren't magical cures, but living a consistently practiced healthy lifestyle will keep your body strong enough to fight your struggles.

Life is a fucking mess, man, and I'm not diminishing your pain, but all of us, to one degree or another, are struggling with bullshit. It's the human condition, but saying that over and over doesn't help much.

For what it's worth, I think jack black offered really good advice, here:

...Like you, I had difficulty finding acceptance from peers, I just didn't fit in. I turned into obsessive reading books. Fortunately some of them were about science and I got hooked on science and that helped me with future career.

The thing is -- wrap yourself around something -- anything -- wrap yourself around an interest that's larger than who you are. Find what you love to do, and then do that thing with obsessive abandonment. Like nothing else exists. Science is great because you're probably super-smart, and fuck knows we need help in this world -- help reverse the goddamned diseases of aging.

If you have no interests, then randomly pick up some basic biology, chemistry, and physics books, and immerse yourself in them. I'm not denying you're suffering, you've been dealt a shitty hand, and you're in pain -- so many of us are doing our best -- but, really, one way up is to find your passion and then channel all of your nerdy, fucked up focus directly into it.

You said you have Asperger's (HX), ADD-PI, Social Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and could be diagnosed with OCD, Complex PTSD, BPD, and NPD.

Since you've already identified these, I'd humbly advise you to stop looking for more trouble and easy solutions. I'll save you years -- easy solutions do not exist.

You've written so much, I'll point out this bit:

ADHD-esque learning difficulties:
This is probably the biggest problem I'm facing right now. If it wasn't for this, I would have made far more progress at this point. This is seriously wasting my life. Not only do I have an official diagnosis of ADHD-PI, but major depression and significant social anxiety have strongly influenced and enhanced these effects. Symptoms include: when reading new information/articles, I can't read in a straight line for, on average, more than 4-5 seconds; I feel like jumping out of my skin. I can't concentrate, struggle to grasp new concepts and information (even things like basic political concepts), and have a far harder time retaining them. Major issues with memory recall, processing speed and also pattern recognition. Scatter-minded, thoughts and feelings floating about everywhere. Whenever I'm involved in a new hands-on task, no matter what it is, I cannot comprehend it for the life of me, and it takes me a while to warm up to it, so to speak. Bad executive function generally speaking.

Force yourself to sit still, sit in one place, on the floor, against a blank wall, and focus on your breathing. Inhales exhales; inhales exhales... When your flighty mind wanders away from attention to inhales and exhales, return your focus to inhales exhales. Again and again and again. Your mind'll fucking wander away again, man, but focus it back to the breathing, it'll wander away again, return to breathing. Try this. It works. Practice it consistently, practice it, become obsessive about training your own mind -- inhales, exhales -- and you'll slowly make strides forward in mastering your concentration skills. It takes time, effort, consistency, but it works. For millions of people, meditation works. But the trick is that you have to actually sit down and do it -- you make yourself do it. Just like the rest of us: you force yourself. Start with a few minutes a day, set a timer, set a goal, chart your progress on a graph, whatever it takes to keep you inspired, do it, it'll help tame your mind, and you'll feel accomplished about it. Sincerely, man, it's not gonna hurt you, at least.

[lemontruth]

"I agree with your idea of getting more professional insight, and agree with other posters here in your thread who tell you to do your best to lead a healthy, day-to-day lifestyle. It won't hurt. Think of exercise and a healthy diet as management tools. They aren't magical cures, but living a consistently practiced healthy lifestyle will keep your body strong enough to fight your struggles."

 

I completely agree even though these are generally cliches. However, there are issues with accessing this:

 

1) I don't have money for a gym membership, since I'm unemployed

2) I still live at home with family. Again, since I'm unemployed, I have no control over what I choose at the market. My mother buys 80% junk food, and most of the healthy stuff is for her. I've asked my mother for healthier food and it's turned into an argument ever single time; have tried to make comprises and she hasn't budged. She won't let me go to the store with her to pick out stuff for personal reasons. It's an extremely difficult situation.

 

 

 

The thing is -- wrap yourself around something -- anything -- wrap yourself around an interest that's larger than who you are. Find what you love to do, and then do that thing with obsessive abandonment. Like nothing else exists. Science is great because you're probably super-smart, and fuck knows we need help in this world -- help reverse the goddamned diseases of aging. 

If you have no interests, then randomly pick up some basic biology, chemistry, and physics books, and immerse yourself in them. I'm not denying you're suffering, you've been dealt a shitty hand, and you're in pain -- so many of us are doing our best -- but, really, one way up is to find your passion and then channel all of your nerdy, fucked up focus directly into it. 

 

I have lots of interests. Psychology, sociology, anthropology, politics/political science, meteorology/storm chasing, indie music/music production, researching (mainly psychedelic) drugs, practical interests like cooking, exploring/traveling, dog owning - and other gateways into the things I listed. But dude, it doesn't matter how interested I am in something, I STILL cannot structure myself and focus to the point where I am absorbing information on a consistent basis. Right now, my top interest is politics, and I am unable to comprehend deeper concepts like the three branches of government, economic aspects, deeper aspects of capitalism v socialism, etc. without my head spinning and getting overwhelmed. I also had this issue with the Jungian pop-psychology a few years ago, which I listed above in my OP. 

 

I have a good outline of what I want to do career-wise. I absolutely want to go to college and get a master's degree related to psychology and sociology/anthropology. BY ALL MEANS, I do not want a career that I don't enjoy or go from shitty part time job to shitty part time job. There's more to it as well- I also want to study for a Cisco certification so I can maximize prospects/physical opportunities and also be able to support my education. I want this all done by my mid-thirties. 

 

So I have a good idea of what I want my life to be career/interest-wise. The problem is, again and again, that I CAN NOT EXECUTE THIS PLAN due to my brain conditions. 

 

I really get the sense that my number one problem here is memory recall. Followed by processing speed, then pattern recognition, then a solid verbal comprehension.

 

For the record the psychiatrist appointment was generally pointless. Didn't recieve any diagnosis, all he did was tell me that I "seemed like a bright guy/expressed myself like documented intelligent people", then proceeded to give me some advice; it was like he started masquerading as a therapist all of a sudden. I asked him if I should see a neurologist, and he said that "I should do whatever I think is best for my health." Um...yeah, no kidding. Too bad there aren't any neurologists within walking distance that take my insurance.

 

Other sentiments:

 

- Should I consider neurofeedback? Although, this seems like a rather expensive option....(shit.)

 

- Would modest doses of psychedelic drugs (e.g. 100ug of LSD and prodrugs) help? Some people have reported great mental clarity after taking shrooms, with after-effects lasting up to a week. (For the record I have taken psychedelics before, maximum dosage 100ug of ALD-52, also tried 4-AcO-DMT - have had VERY positive experiences with them, unfortunately they didn't sustain long-term.)

[sthira]

1) I don't have money for a gym membership, since I'm unemployed
2) I still live at home with family. Again, since I'm unemployed, I have no control over what I choose at the market. My mother buys 80% junk food, and most of the healthy stuff is for her. I've asked my mother for healthier food and it's turned into an argument ever single time; have tried to make comprises and she hasn't budged. She won't let me go to the store with her to pick out stuff for personal reasons. It's an extremely difficult situation.

Wow that sucks, I'm sorry for you, no wonder you're miserable. About staying fit, you don't really need an expensive gym ownership for exercise, right? You got a bicycle? Walking is exercise, too. I think people get hung up sometimes because of what the mainstream tells them exercise means. Move your body. That's often good enough -- unless you're striving to become some sort of athlete, which it doesn't sound as if you are.

As for eating well, this doesn't require breaking the bank, either. You can eat very, very healthy and well for quite inexpensively. I don't think you need hints from me about how to eat well on the cheap, there's a shit ton on great info on the web about how to eat healthy on next to nothing. Get your mom to buy you some cabbage, man, it's like a dolllar. And beans. They're practically free, man. What eating well requires, though, is the will to do it. And this leads me to my next point, which I believe can help you (based on what you've described). You wrote:

...But dude, it doesn't matter how interested I am in something, I STILL cannot structure myself and focus to the point where I am absorbing information on a consistent basis...

And you reinterated:

...The problem is, again and again, that I CAN NOT EXECUTE THIS PLAN due to my brain conditions.
I really get the sense that my number one problem here is memory recall. Followed by processing speed, then pattern recognition, then a solid verbal comprehension.

I'll re-offer suggestion to begin a humble, brief period of daily meditation practice. But fuck man, I hesitate to write that word "meditation" because it's so damned freighted with nonsense.

Rather than do some big exhausting ordeal like "to meditate" just sit quietly for a few minutes a day and focus on your breathing. When your mind wanders away, return your focus to your breathing. You may not think this will help, but your doubt doesn't really matter, just the act of doing this behavior strengthens your powers of concentration whether you like it and are prepared for it or not. It's a potent practice; I wouldn't waste my time stringing these words together to you if it was bullshit. It works to help what you've described above.

...Would modest doses of psychedelic drugs (e.g. 100ug of LSD and prodrugs) help? Some people have reported great mental clarity after taking shrooms, with after-effects lasting up to a week. (For the record I have taken psychedelics before, maximum dosage 100ug of ALD-52, also tried 4-AcO-DMT - have had VERY positive experiences with them, unfortunately they didn't sustain long-term.]

Right, yeah that's my issue with shrooms and LSD, too. Dosed consciously they can be super effective; but then the magical afterglow wears off, and you may be back to square one.

Personally, shrooms have really, really helped me in myriad ways -- too many to count, tbh -- but everyone is a different being and in different life stages. And I really need to feel like I'm in a safe, friendly, welcoming space for shrooms and LSD to work their undeniable magic -- I need to be surrounded by goodness -- I've had too many awful trips to be around anyone uncool anymore. (Incidentally, combining chocolate with shrooms seems to cut back on bad trip potential, at least for me).

Do remember: a central message that mushrooms are giving us is that they are not to be relied upon and chronically used. Shrooms and psychadelics are meant to be infrequently dosed, and dosed carefully and with sharp attention to detail. Otherwise: higher frequencies of bad trips. That's my experience, anyway. I don't fuck with shrooms and LSD as party drugs because that's not how I feel they're to be used. That's not what they are. I'm not saying you do frequently party with them -- and obviously sometimes it is entirely cool to party and trip -- but respect the power this medicine exerts on your brain and body, and please dose carefully.

By the way, if you don't know the good works of Paul Stamets, please listen up: https://youtu.be/7agK0nkiZpA

Edited by sthira, 12 July 2018 - 05:49 AM.

[lemontruth]

Just had a meeting with my PCP and he thought the problem wasn't ADHD, but Bipolar/mania instead. Filled out a sheet and it came back as "borderline-mania".

 

His opinion was that he wanted me to stop using Nardil, but that drug has been the only helpful substance I've taken (besides psychedelics) that I have access to - if I were to get off it, I'm pretty much screwed. It's bad enough it stopped working - however, I'm planning on getting lab testing done to check if I'm deficient in B6 and B12, which may be why the MAOI "pooped out"

 

https://www.longecit...ess-vitamin-b6/

 

https://www.socialan...iencies-220219/

Edited by lemontruth, 20 July 2018 - 05:33 PM.

[jack black]

if you have overlap/multiple problems, the paper tests are not very useful. I can satisfy almost every psych disorder, except for schiso or full blown mania.

 

this is what I found useful to diagnose and treat and described in a separate thread: https://www.longecit...ct-brain-scans/ go to the last post, it's a recent discovery of mine.

[John250]

Just had a meeting with my PCP and he thought the problem wasn't ADHD, but Bipolar/mania instead. Filled out a sheet and it came back as "borderline-mania".

His opinion was that he wanted me to stop using Nardil, but that drug has been the only helpful substance I've taken (besides psychedelics) that I have access to - if I were to get off it, I'm pretty much screwed. It's bad enough it stopped working - however, I'm planning on getting lab testing done to check if I'm deficient in B6 and B12, which may be why the MAOI "pooped out"

https://www.longecit...ess-vitamin-b6/

https://www.socialan...iencies-220219/

Did he mention any drugs for mania? Maybe Abilify or Lamical

[gamesguru]

You need to stop feeling bad for yourself and counting your days, life is too short for that.  Count your blessings and all the ways to explore them instead.  Make friends without pressure, be spontaneous.  Don't put pressure on yourself that you're wasting time, but don't spend it all in your comfort zone.  Go out, you were made to fall and learn.  Or at least start watching movies that make you feel more normal about yourself.  500 days of summer, yes man, 40 y/o virgin, all good movies for you.  They might even be a bit unrealistic with how much real talk and smooching goes on, but just do your best to relate without getting jealous

 

Life isn't fair.  One guy dies in a car crash because he looked to check his phone or he spills some coffee in the car.  Another is born blind, or without a father.  And who looks out for these people, who has their interests in mind, who cuts them a break?  They probly have fewer friends than normal because of their issues.  But when sea turtles can live their whole life in a plastic soda ring, what business do we have, as individuals, to stop and complain?  Who are we to draw attention to ourselves when others are just as much in need?  But that is precisely and unfortunately what life is about.  Tears are the waters of regret, but remember each night is followed by day

 

Too many men break themselves with their own mind, you will end up at the doctor's for real if you don't watch yourself here.  The good news is there are solutions, not full-blown solutions, not over-night solutions, but things you can nevertheless run with and be faithful to, things you can make in your kitchen and people, ideas you can travel not so far for.  It will take patience, it will take consistency, no one can put the effort in for you, and no one can help with your pain along the way.  You may feel lonely, you may even be alone at times, but it doesn't have to last forever even if it feels like it will.  Having things to look forward to never hurt, and listen to what people say even if it seems disagreeable at first, oftentimes our character is revealed by what annoys us the most

Edited by gamesguru, 30 July 2018 - 02:57 AM.

[lemontruth]

I have decided to plan a suicide attempt via Pentobarbital.  I have accepted that I will very likely never achieve my goals, and it's unlikely that I will be able to start doing psychedelics.

Edited by lemontruth, 21 August 2018 - 06:35 PM.

[Mind_Paralysis]

I have decided to plan a suicide attempt via Pentobarbital.  I have accepted that I will very likely never achieve my goals, and it's unlikely that I will be able to start doing psychedelics.

 

That's a very scary thing to say. I truly hope you will reconsider.

 

If you do, I suggest you call your local suicide hotline as soon as you can.

 

 

If you're in the USA, you can call this number:

 

1-800-273-8255

 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

Before you do anything like that, I suggest you try out NSI-189, Dihexa or Ketamine. Not sure why you think psychedelics are better? People respond differently to different substances, you know. If you are in the USA, then chances are quite good for trying out Ketamine at a local ketamine-clinic.

 

http://www.ketaminea...ider-directory/

 

 

For a reasonable local, legal drug, I would suggest an MAOI - Selegeline or Moclobemide would be my recommendation to  you.
 

[John250]

I have decided to plan a suicide attempt via Pentobarbital. I have accepted that I will very likely never achieve my goals, and it's unlikely that I will be able to start doing psychedelics.

Don’t do it man. There are people who care about you. Just think about what stuff makes you feel good whether it be drugs,food,movies,etc.. and just indulge in what makes you feel good and make life worthwhile until you talk to a Dr about getting on the right meds. Tell them your debating suicide and they will go the extra mile to help you out.

Edited by John250, 21 August 2018 - 07:22 PM.

[gamesguru]

you will keep taking lsd always chasing that insight, not aware of how you are drifting away, subtle problems creeping their way in.  the strength you need to see you through this storm can be found within, from reading, and going out brushing up against the right circles.  not everyone is super smart or super social but we can all find a place.  you just have to turn things around one at a time and life gradually gets easier, never quite a party, but at least nice and well

[lemontruth]

not everyone is super smart

 

I never said I had to be a genius/have a 145+ IQ in order to be comfortable with my life. But I want to get into academia, or at the very least, be competent in computer networking or the like so I'm able to have the finances to support multiple hobbies and interests of mine, and afford rent comfortably. If I'm only of average intelligence, or functioning at that level, there are going to be serious problems catching up in life.

[lemontruth]

This life clearly will never be fulfilling. I need to look towards ending it. I'm going to go crazy at some point from this mundane existence. 

[jack black]

Read Feeling Good by Dr Burns.

https://www.amazon.c...y/dp/0380810336

Local library should have a copy. There is a chapter specifically for people considering a suicide.

Good luck, we hope for the best.

[gamesguru]

I'm going to go crazy

 

you have done that yourself through complaining, self-neglect and a lack of determination.  you can climb your way out.. rocks and shovels mix poorly

 

i was in basically the same state a year ago.  i got a great computer science job without going back to school.  things are a lot better now, and most of the problems holding me back are in my own head now.  but listen not everyone is borderline genius, not everyone has a gift.  but you can find something you like and you can stick to it.  you can be unique.  don't let anybody talk you down, be a listener but let go of the pain.  everything is in perspective, including yourself

[cat-nips]

Don't be a cliche. The biggest harm in being bipolar is suicide. You're smarter than to just let yourself turn into a statistic.  You're life until now has not largely been of your design, but you can make it so now. Not in fantasies or superficial daydreams, but outside of your head.  Wasting your present and future lamenting over the past is futile as introspection is a skill in which you have clearly mastered. 

 

You can be obsessive and narcissistic over your emotional fluctuations because of the trauma in your past causing you to rely on coping mechanisms that at the time saved you, but now are hindering your development into independence and self-design. You may have OCD tendencies, but if you had the disorder, it would be wreaking total havoc on your life and you would know it by the ritualized actions that you could not stop yourself from doing and the shame and ensuing denial.  You may be narcissistic about your issues because it was your coping mechanism to withdraw inwards to deal with your circumstances, rather than go outwards toward something. This does not mean you have the disorder. Unlike OCD, if you had NPD then you really wouldn't have a clue and you wouldn't be this self-deprecating or even aware of your own failings and imperfections.

 

Your mission in life is to find one or go through it trying to overcome your obstacles, while enjoying the periods of joy and calm and happiness and contentment when they are available. Many moments have to be mundane in order for one to be able to appreciate the wonderful. Shitty and dysphoric moods are fleeting and fickle when one is bipolar. It can get exhausting if you let yourself get caught up in each one. You have to learn to recognize it as such - just a mood, and one that passes. Not one that is meaningful or that you should pay any attention to. It's a form of DBT - Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You're self-aware enough to do it, with the assumption that when you are feeling hopeless or destructive, changing your behavior will change your mood and not letting your mood change your behavior.  Read up on it if you can if you have an interest in psych. It's a fairly new form of behavioral therapy you can try out for yourself. 

 

Be persistent and focused about demanding better mental health care. Maybe talk to your PCP about being treated for bipolar. Lamictal or Abilify may help calm the constant ruminations and mood swings. Another MAOI may be worth a try along with it - Parnate, I think, was once thought of as the gold standard for Social Anxiety as well as being an MAOI. Theres a newish antidepressant out there, Vortioxetine that may also work for you if you don't want to go down the route of MAOI and Lamictal or another bipolar med. There are other options that a trained psychiatrist comfortable with treating Aspergers, ADHD, Social Anxiety, MDD and Bipolar would be comfortable trialing you on. It will take some effort and time to figure it out, but necessary if you want to be able to have any kind of consistency to achieve your goals.. 

 

Use your treatment progress as the boost you need to get out of your head and out of your house  into an environment you took the steps to be in, rather than the one you got dealt in childhood and continue to defeatedly accept. Your afflictions can be your assets in times if you can learn to manage and live with them without allowing them to be too disruptful with external reality.  Start with finding a decent doctor to work with you that you're comfortable with and treat the conditions you have already been diagnosed with, which you are SURE that you have. Don't focus on worrying about having tendencies of the others. We all have symptomology of all disorders at certain times. The severity, environment, duration and conditions all matter and DSM is pretty specific about having a lot of the symptoms within multiple settings or conditions to qualify for a diagnosis.

 

Take it from me, a fellow INTP/FP with bipolar/ADHD issues and a teenage attempt under my belt that landed me a month in the psych ward at the county hospital, it's stupid. Really stupid. Probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life and I try to remember that when those feelings of despair come back to engulf me.  22 years later and I still have despair and ST's but they come with a persistent self-reminder of all the fucking blessings I've been blessed to experience in the last 2 decades and the sheer gratitude I have to have done so. The alternative would not have been a better outcome.  Then it passes. It always eventually passes. What you do with yourself in the meantime can help or make it worse to control or exacerbate.

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lemontruth]

Don't be a cliche. The biggest harm in being bipolar is suicide. You're smarter than to just let yourself turn into a statistic.  You're life until now has not largely been of your design, but you can make it so now. Not in fantasies or superficial daydreams, but outside of your head.  Wasting your present and future lamenting over the past is futile as introspection is a skill in which you have clearly mastered. 

 

You can be obsessive and narcissistic over your emotional fluctuations because of the trauma in your past causing you to rely on coping mechanisms that at the time saved you, but now are hindering your development into independence and self-design. You may have OCD tendencies, but if you had the disorder, it would be wreaking total havoc on your life and you would know it by the ritualized actions that you could not stop yourself from doing and the shame and ensuing denial.  You may be narcissistic about your issues because it was your coping mechanism to withdraw inwards to deal with your circumstances, rather than go outwards toward something. This does not mean you have the disorder. Unlike OCD, if you had NPD then you really wouldn't have a clue and you wouldn't be this self-deprecating or even aware of your own failings and imperfections.

 

Your mission in life is to find one or go through it trying to overcome your obstacles, while enjoying the periods of joy and calm and happiness and contentment when they are available. Many moments have to be mundane in order for one to be able to appreciate the wonderful. Shitty and dysphoric moods are fleeting and fickle when one is bipolar. It can get exhausting if you let yourself get caught up in each one. You have to learn to recognize it as such - just a mood, and one that passes. Not one that is meaningful or that you should pay any attention to. It's a form of DBT - Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You're self-aware enough to do it, with the assumption that when you are feeling hopeless or destructive, changing your behavior will change your mood and not letting your mood change your behavior.  Read up on it if you can if you have an interest in psych. It's a fairly new form of behavioral therapy you can try out for yourself. 

 

Be persistent and focused about demanding better mental health care. Maybe talk to your PCP about being treated for bipolar. Lamictal or Abilify may help calm the constant ruminations and mood swings. Another MAOI may be worth a try along with it - Parnate, I think, was once thought of as the gold standard for Social Anxiety as well as being an MAOI. Theres a newish antidepressant out there, Vortioxetine that may also work for you if you don't want to go down the route of MAOI and Lamictal or another bipolar med. There are other options that a trained psychiatrist comfortable with treating Aspergers, ADHD, Social Anxiety, MDD and Bipolar would be comfortable trialing you on. It will take some effort and time to figure it out, but necessary if you want to be able to have any kind of consistency to achieve your goals.. 

 

Use your treatment progress as the boost you need to get out of your head and out of your house  into an environment you took the steps to be in, rather than the one you got dealt in childhood and continue to defeatedly accept. Your afflictions can be your assets in times if you can learn to manage and live with them without allowing them to be too disruptful with external reality.  Start with finding a decent doctor to work with you that you're comfortable with and treat the conditions you have already been diagnosed with, which you are SURE that you have. Don't focus on worrying about having tendencies of the others. We all have symptomology of all disorders at certain times. The severity, environment, duration and conditions all matter and DSM is pretty specific about having a lot of the symptoms within multiple settings or conditions to qualify for a diagnosis.

 

Take it from me, a fellow INTP/FP with bipolar/ADHD issues and a teenage attempt under my belt that landed me a month in the psych ward at the county hospital, it's stupid. Really stupid. Probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life and I try to remember that when those feelings of despair come back to engulf me.  22 years later and I still have despair and ST's but they come with a persistent self-reminder of all the fucking blessings I've been blessed to experience in the last 2 decades and the sheer gratitude I have to have done so. The alternative would not have been a better outcome.  Then it passes. It always eventually passes. What you do with yourself in the meantime can help or make it worse to control or exacerbate.

 

My insurance doesn't take jack shit. The only option I have is a mental health center with nearly unanimous poor reviews:

 

https://www.yelp.com...rvice-bryn-mawr

 

Check out some highlights:

 

____

 

"I'm a married father of three, and a patient at LMCS for a few months, now. My diagnosis is Bipolar II/PTSD, which requires serious mental treatment just to help me avoid suicide. 

Most of my phone calls never get returned, even if they get routed to the proper person in the first place. I tried to reschedule an appointment with the doctor but somehow, the appointment was never saved in their system. I'm now forced to wait until Aug. 3rd for the next available appointment with the doctor. All calls to the Assistant regarding rescheduling and medication refills have not been returned. My pharmacy called me today to tell me that they tried to reach someone at LMCS numerous times to get confirmation to refill my prescriptions, but have yet to hear back from anyone in the office.

It's been an unbelievably unpleasant experience from the very beginning. I'm on my second therapist because the first one I was seeing, Joseph, never returned my wife's calls when I was in crisis and had to be admitted to the mental hospital. He was actually surprised to hear that I wanted to change therapists. He's completely clueless. Do not expect any decent care from Joseph, or from LMCS, for that matter. I hope you have other options." - Richard P.

 

"sick staff. their musical appointment games ....

cost my family member his life.sadly.... the staff, and directors including anna, the medical assistants, drs, all gave my family .......four of us....false appointments. when we would show up, the front desk would say......sorry you are not in the system.....little hitlers? well my husband complained after six messed up appointments...purposeful to me...why? they are experimental little people ....who enjoy playing games with peoples health! my family member was on a controlled substance, and someones  was mad. well ....he died last month due to their negligence." - Patty B.

 

Oh, the last time I was there, as I was walking down the stairs - I heard my (at the time, new) therapist, along with another therapist and some receptionists/directors actually talk shit about me and laugh at me behind my back, just because I told the director that out of the therapist stock available (Ideally I'd prefer an experienced clinical psychologist - male or female - with a Master's or PHD who specializes in anxiety, adhd, ptsd, or the like - but I didn't have access to this type of professional help) I preferred a younger female therapist, since I felt that type of profile would be able to relate to my concerns best (I'm into social justice, such as feminism and racial issues, I relate to people my age best, and of course, I wanted to discuss my relationship goals to gauge their perspective). The older therapist, (who was familiar with me since I briefly worked with her when she was working in an outpatient group therapy program a couple of years ago)was like, "He needs a male therapist!....there's something missing!.) while layers of laughter ensued.

 

By the way: I'm willing to work on my mental health, but I'm not going to accept settling for less, lowering my standards, and wasting my 20s/early-mid 30s. The thought of it PHYSICALLY hurts me. You have to understand why I'm opining ego death psychedelic doses to try healing (as much of a risk it is - I'm desperate at this point).

 

Thanks for the informative reply.

[John250]

My insurance doesn't take jack shit. The only option I have is a mental health center with nearly unanimous poor reviews:

https://www.yelp.com...rvice-bryn-mawr

Check out some highlights:

____

"I'm a married father of three, and a patient at LMCS for a few months, now. My diagnosis is Bipolar II/PTSD, which requires serious mental treatment just to help me avoid suicide.

Most of my phone calls never get returned, even if they get routed to the proper person in the first place. I tried to reschedule an appointment with the doctor but somehow, the appointment was never saved in their system. I'm now forced to wait until Aug. 3rd for the next available appointment with the doctor. All calls to the Assistant regarding rescheduling and medication refills have not been returned. My pharmacy called me today to tell me that they tried to reach someone at LMCS numerous times to get confirmation to refill my prescriptions, but have yet to hear back from anyone in the office.

It's been an unbelievably unpleasant experience from the very beginning. I'm on my second therapist because the first one I was seeing, Joseph, never returned my wife's calls when I was in crisis and had to be admitted to the mental hospital. He was actually surprised to hear that I wanted to change therapists. He's completely clueless. Do not expect any decent care from Joseph, or from LMCS, for that matter. I hope you have other options." - Richard P.

"sick staff. their musical appointment games ....
cost my family member his life.sadly.... the staff, and directors including anna, the medical assistants, drs, all gave my family .......four of us....false appointments. when we would show up, the front desk would say......sorry you are not in the system.....little hitlers? well my husband complained after six messed up appointments...purposeful to me...why? they are experimental little people ....who enjoy playing games with peoples health! my family member was on a controlled substance, and someones was mad. well ....he died last month due to their negligence." - Patty B.

Oh, the last time I was there, as I was walking down the stairs - I heard my (at the time, new) therapist, along with another therapist and some receptionists/directors actually talk shit about me and laugh at me behind my back, just because I told the director that out of the therapist stock available (Ideally I'd prefer an experienced clinical psychologist - male or female - with a Master's or PHD who specializes in anxiety, adhd, ptsd, or the like - but I didn't have access to this type of professional help) I preferred a younger female therapist, since I felt that type of profile would be able to relate to my concerns best (I'm into social justice, such as feminism and racial issues, I relate to people my age best, and of course, I wanted to discuss my relationship goals to gauge their perspective). The older therapist, (who was familiar with me since I briefly worked with her when she was working in an outpatient group therapy program a couple of years ago)was like, "He needs a male therapist!....there's something missing!.) while layers of laughter ensued.

By the way: I'm willing to work on my mental health, but I'm not going to accept settling for less, lowering my standards, and wasting my 20s/early-mid 30s. The thought of it PHYSICALLY hurts me. You have to understand why I'm opining ego death psychedelic doses to try healing (as much of a risk it is - I'm desperate at this point).

Thanks for the informative reply.

Do you have an actual psychiatrist? I’d book the first appt you can and mention everything. There is always a drug cocktail that will work. Sometimes it takes a few to try to find one that works for you but there is ALWAYS something that will help. Even if your insurance doesn’t cover it just In and say you’re going to make a payment, have them bill you and then just don’t pay it or request a payment program. Anything is better than taking your life. Debt will always end up eventually going away but you can’t get your life back so fuck everything else and only focus on that.

Edited by John250, 27 August 2018 - 04:25 PM.

[lemontruth]

Do you have an actual psychiatrist? I’d book the first appt you can and mention everything. There is always a drug cocktail that will work. Sometimes it takes a few to try to find one that works for you but there is ALWAYS something that will help. Even if your insurance doesn’t cover it just In and say you’re going to make a payment, have them bill you and then just don’t pay it or request a payment program. Anything is better than taking your life. Debt will always end up eventually going away but you can’t get your life back so fuck everything else and only focus on that.

Yes, but I only see him every two months.

 

Dude, I'm not wasting the core of my adulthood exercising a trial-and-error process. I'm not doing any more time in prison, so to speak - it's been 12 goddamn years, it's been long enough. Why wouldn't you go for the top of the line in terms of mental health treatment?

 

Found some interesting studies on psychedelics and mental health: (of course I didn't read them at all due to my extreme lack of focus, but my friend who has a similar mindset sent them to me, and he's intelligent and academically-minded, so I trust they're legit)

 

https://www.akademia...6/2054.2018.006

 

 

https://www.cell.com/cell-reports/pdf/S2211-1247(18)30755-1.pdf

 

 

Not willing to take any prescribed drugs besides MAOIs, benzos, and amphetamines at this point. These are literally the only medications that I have actually felt something from, regardless of whether or not it helped me. I can't deal with subtle effects - I'm at the point where my anxiety is so bad I need more of a 'high' or an overt effect.

 

For the record, I've done the trial and error process from age 17-20 - I shifted from multiple SSRIs to x antidepressants to x anxiolytics and I barely got any help. Most, if not all, of the effects I felt were the unwanted side effects of the medications.

 

I'd be willing to participate in a MAPS study focused on LSD psychotherapy, but there aren't any fucking programs near where I live (I'm on the east coast sandwiched between New York and Washington - resources like that are scarce here in Philly.)

Edited by lemontruth, 27 August 2018 - 05:23 PM.

[John250]

Yes, but I only see him every two months.

Dude, I'm not wasting the core of my adulthood exercising a trial-and-error process. I'm not doing any more time in prison, so to speak - it's been 12 goddamn years, it's been long enough. Why wouldn't you go for the top of the line in terms of mental health treatment?

Found some interesting studies on psychedelics and mental health: (of course I didn't read them at all due to my extreme lack of focus, but my friend who has a similar mindset sent them to me, and he's intelligent and academically-minded, so I trust they're legit)

https://www.akademia...6/2054.2018.006


https://www.cell.com/cell-reports/pdf/S2211-1247(18)30755-1.pdf


Not willing to take any prescribed drugs besides MAOIs, benzos, and amphetamines at this point. These are literally the only medications that I have actually felt something from, regardless of whether or not it helped me. I can't deal with subtle effects - I'm at the point where my anxiety is so bad I need more of a 'high' or an overt effect.

For the record, I've done the trial and error process from age 17-20 - I shifted from multiple SSRIs to x antidepressants to x anxiolytics and I barely got any help. Most, if not all, of the effects I felt were the unwanted side effects of the medications.

I'd be willing to participate in a MAPS study focused on LSD psychotherapy, but there aren't any fucking programs near where I live (I'm on the east coast sandwiched between New York and Washington - resources like that are scarce here in Philly.)

What I basically meant was try everything else possible before suicide because there could be something out there that is your cure. Best of luck to you.

[lemontruth]

(double post) 

 

Edited by lemontruth, 27 August 2018 - 08:46 PM.

[cat-nips]

It's easy and safe enough to supplement with B6 with your Nardil to see if it helps. You have to get the form that is Pyroxidine. From wiki:

 

Phenelzine has also been linked to vitamin B6 deficiency.[14] Transaminases such as GABA-transaminase have been shown to be dependent upon vitamin B6[15] and may be involved in a potentially related process, since the phenelzine metabolite phenylethylidenehydrazine (PEH) is a GABA transaminase inhibitor. Both phenelzine and vitamin B6 are rendered inactive upon these reactions occurring. For this reason, it may be recommended to supplement with vitamin B6 while taking phenelzine. The pyridoxine form of B6 is recommended for supplementation, since this form has been shown to reduce hydrazine toxicity from phenelzine and, in contrast, the pyridoxal form has been shown to increase the toxicity of hydrazines.[16]

→ source (external link)

 

It's worth a shot to try to get your Nardil to regain effectiveness. Not sure what else you're taking but a B-supplement that has the pyridoxine form of B6 should be safe to supplement without any danger of sending you into hypertensive crisis from an interaction.

 

If that doesn't work then ask your GP to trial an augmentation with Lamictal. Small dose.  It's not a SSRI. It's an anti-seizure med and shouldn't mess with your cognition so much. It's widely used in bipolar disorder for mood stabilization, but you gotta keep your doses low to start and go slowly with the dose increases to avoid risk of further anxiety or a deadly rash (Steven Johnsons).  Don't stop taking your B supplement.

 

If that doesn't work then switch to another MAOI, and then switch back, if necessary.  From what I'm understanding, the MAOI poop-out is a common phenomenon. 

 

From where you are now, these seem like the most feasible solutions. The micro dosing of psychedelics as a treatment approach is interesting, but not very well studied or researched. Recreational doses, however have been shown to be neurotoxic to the serotonergic system with sometimes irreversible changes and hazardous results. LSD is hallucinogenic and I would think that even at micro doses, it could alter your perception of reality and/or increase disassociation. Psillocybin is safer, but still hallucinogenic. MDMA is great for 2-3 days then horrible for the next week because of the neurotoxicity, at least at recreational doses. Serotonergic neurotoxicity, which is a possibility with all of those substances, could produce in greater intensity, the symptoms you're experiencing now and make things a whole lot worse.  Prolonged dosing of any of those them doesn't seem like a safe option. At least not until it's further researched.

 

Your mental health issues are difficult enough to manage now. I think that testing out such a wild and unknown variable would be too risky. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem safe. I glanced at your studies, but they're flawed and pretty inconclusive of anything. If you want me to get into why in another post, I can, but Its another rabbit hole to go down. If you're having periods of extreme moods and suicidal thoughts, maybe try some sativa hybrid cannabis to pull you out of that state quickly and elevate mood, and indica dominant to stop thought and be numb for a small period. It's a much safer option. Just don't overdo it and not all the time. Cannabis can be a really effective mood stabilizing substance, but the strain, timing and dosing can get complicated for therapeutic use, especially if you're new to the effects. 

 

Mental health comes before, or at least alongside your personal and life goals. They are intertwined but separate issues. If you are not at a level of stability, your anxiety, obsessing, depressive episodes and lack of clarity or purpose will eventually destroy anything you try to achieve, or keep you looping in states of delusional confusion. Settling for less, or lowering standards, are expectations you've created for yourself, but aren't based on real actionable steps. You want, but you don't or perhaps, can't. To state that you will accept no better than your daydreams is simply a daydream. Stop torturing yourself.  If it's because you can't, but it's there, then remain persistent on finding ways to achieve some sort of consistent balance in your life that you can function enough to organize your thoughts and structure your goals and work towards them. Through Nardil, ADD meds, another polypharmacological option, lifestyle/ behavioral changes, therapy, and combination thereof, the means should be functional, accessible, reliable and sustainable enough to maintain balance. 

 

Ego-death can be worked on through Zen Buddhist Meditation. Look into taking up the study and practice as it may add a spiritual, physical, and mental component to your life which could aid in increasing focus and centering your thoughts and goals.  Consider that it may be the journey, not necessarily the destination that is significant. 

 

 

Edited by cat-nips, 28 August 2018 - 05:14 AM.

[jack black]

OP, the title of this thread is very confusing IMHO. You don't have primary ADHD, what you have is something closer to anxiety, social anxiety, autism, and borderline personality leading to depression and suicidal thoughts. attention deficit is more a secondary thing. I have the same thing running in my own family, impossible to formally diagnose and get help. From my own trial and error, there were 2 things that helped the most (besides all the common sense things including B complex etc): Lithium and Lamictal. Start at low doses and titrate up as needed. Incidentally both are the only 2 drugs that are know to grow back gray matter and prevent suicide. Meditation (all various forms) and falling in love helps, too. Now, interestingly, some of the folks in my own family refuse to listen and prefer to live in denial and/or suffer.

I don't think you'll get a better advice here (maybe except for the above post). Do what you wish with the info. Good luck!

Edited by jack black, 28 August 2018 - 03:45 PM.