4 replies to this topic

[chris7900]

hey everyone !

the past few years i did severe damage to my brain and personality, the difference is tramendous. After reaching the total bottom psychologicaly i started researching myself about everything concerning this topic, also coming across this site which, i like and decided to stay here and maybe contribute with my experience in the future.Also i ve read the edge effect by eric braveman and the mood cure by julia ross. So i've made good progress but i need more knowledge and help from you guys so i can make more efficient decisions. In the beginning i'll refer to information needed so you have an insight of the sutuation, at the end i will write down the negative effects that need treatment.i have an idea, i think i will title it so you can skip the deep information if not needed, so scroll down to the title "repair" if you think you don't need all the background information.
i'm sorry if my article isn't the best in terms of grammar and syntax, my main language is greek, second german, in greek the syntax is a little different then the english one, so i'm realy sorry if some sentences are a little weird to read :D. and also my brain is totaly fucked up. so maybe you have a laugh here and there ^_^

fun thing though, i noticed a chain reaction of the events, as described in the book of eric braveman. the events started at the age of 17 till now, 23. and makes total sence.

fast summary with all the information:

at 17 till 21 heavy alcohol abuse. Doc told me to stop drinking. stopped immidiatly.
20-22 some weed maybe 2-3 times a month.
20 - traumatic event, realy insane depression, i think alcohol abuse made the depression escalate that extrem.
with the depression realy heavy migraine attacks started at the age of 20, they became more frequent
age 20-23 painkiller abuse due to migraine. every 4rth day migraine attack and i took about 600mg ibuprofen + 1000mg paracetamol to fight the pain.
at 21-22 i became extremly anxius, i'm 100% sure because of the painkillers , i get anxious for no reason, i was actualy anxious all the time for no reason,i could just go for a walk and increase the anxiety, near other people , public transport was a no go. that was a realy sick experience. i'm still anxius but 5-htp and sumatriptan almost vanished the phenomenon "anxiety without reason". now i'm anxius in public transport or whenever i feel tired, exhausted, after weight training or havent slept enought, or under preassure.

DETAILED STORY (skip if not needed)

Before this started i was 17 and realy healthy eating healthy mediterean food mommy coocked for me , doing sport every day, i was happy, made other people happy, was realy inteligent both in school and also in outer school stuff, i was the sort of guy who had actualy in almost every knowledge-worthy topic knowledge, not the deep knowledge but at least the basic understing of how everything works. was funny with strong personality, lots of people loved me.
now i'm 23.

So my story starts with realy heavy alcohol abuse from 17-21. At the time i was doing weight lifting and martial arts, also healthy nutrition with a multyvitamin.
when i reached 21 i noticed that i had huge memory problems, and i realy felt dump, and my thoughts where slower, i could literaly feel the dysfuntion of my brain in everyday life.(details at the end)
Also my doctor did a check and said i have to stop drinking otherwise my liver will get damaged, so i stopped drinking.

at the age of 20-22 i was doing weed from time to time. not very often, maybe once a week.

at the age of 20 a traumatic event happened and i felt into realy sick depression, i mean that state of depression was insane, and by all means no regular depression. for the first 2 weeks i think i was all day in my bed crying and cuicidal thoughts non-stop, literaly not having any power to even move my hand to get the remote for tv, good thing though didn't had the power for any suicide attempt. i only forced me 2-3 times a day to drink some water and forced me to eat something, even this standing up from the bed, was realy difficult and dreaned me completely from my non-existant powers.

after this two weeks based on my knowledge i forced myself to eat a lot of healthy stuff, drink lots of water and take lots of multivitamins, also i forced myself do sports, it was a nightmare doing sports while depressed. Even the first months! i was bursting out in tears even outside the house, coudnt control it, thats also why i was going joggin at midnight or to the gym at 2-3 am when it was empty.
while on this kind of depression, i have always been against psychopharmaca but i knew i needed professional help, but it was impossible to tell to anyone, you cant describe this feeling its like you wanna tell it and tons of chains draw you back from saying anything. So after years of no results with the effords in fighting my depression i searched the web for medicaments.
The depression lasted till the age of 23. taking 5-htp pharmaceutical degree. That was about august 15th this year.
after taking 5htp my heavy depression vanished within 30 minutes and only a slight depression was left.
a few days later i told my doctor that i was in deep depression for years and the only thing he had to say was like you have to think positive , take life in your hands blablabla i tried to explain that i did all this, and i realy did, that i was fighting the depression with every knowledge i had , he also said medicaments and stuff are no solution, whatever i said fuck off and continued my 5htp.

with the depression, realy heavy migraine attacks started to accur, at the beginning once a month, then they became more frequent and stronger, after 8 months it came to the point where i had every 3-4 days very heavy migraine attacks unable to do anything but stay in bed, even the slightest noise or light raised the pain significaly. the medication was 600mg ibuprofen plus 1000mg paracetamol and then i had to sleep otherwise it woudln't work, sometimes right the next day migraine came back.
after a year and a half i went to the neuro-doctor, did a couple of test , with a big magnet mashine, one with electrical impulses attached to the head and one with doppler . he said everything is fine, he prescribed me sumatriptan and said i have to take it everytime i get a migraine, if i get lucky migraine may stop in the future by itself, otherwise you just keep taking sumatriptan.
"fuckk off" this can't be it was my thought.....
also due to the fact that the prescribed packadge had only 6 pills in it and i had to run every two weeks to the doc to get a new prescription i just continued to take ibuprofen+paracetamol till august 15th this year.

At that point i got 5-htp pharmaceutical degree and both migraine, depression and suicide thoughts vanished. after 3 years of humiliating torture.

at the age of 21-22 till now i had the anxiety problem as referred in the summary above.

repair

so first thing, i have beta-thalassemia, no conflict at all with anything till now, just my red blood cells are smaller.
hypothyroid, but stopped taking t4-t3 months ago. going to fix this with tyrosine in the future.
i'm also taking my multivitamin + omega3 oil, and try to keep a healthy diet with meat, eggs, casein stuff, oats and whole-nuddles or rise....
i'm doing weight lifting and or jogging up to 4 times a week. depends on the mood , sport realy exhaust my brain and it feel completely drained after and while doing sports.

1) oh yeah and here comes my first thing, i wanna repair sports.
i realy have no clue what the hell is wrong with this. before the depression i realy loved sports, it gave me extremly high euphoric feeling, i was doing martial arts weight lifting and joggin, well when i say extreamly euphoric i mean, i was going for joggin and felt like i'm a god, literaly, sounds strange but thats exactly the feeling i got. it was godlike, the best feeling i ever had, similar to love.
now when i do sports its rather torture, i force myself into it, even if i do low intesity training like slow jogging, after half an hour of joggin, my head feels strange , it feels drained, everytime its a little different, sometime i feel tired , sometimes drained, sometimes foggy sometimes overwhelmend and dizzy, exhausted. its realy strange i can'T describe it. also in weight lifting, its kinda different but similar, the difference is it feels much more drained when i lift, and much more exhausted, and dizzy i literaly feel that my cns is completely fucked up after 30 min of weight lifting i usualy had to stop lifting after 30 minutes. oh and usualy i did only 2-3 days a week sport cause of this i didnt wanted my cns to get destroyed.
after taking 5-htp the situation got slightly better, same effects, not that devestating but now i can do 45 mins weight lifting and about 45 minutes jogging, total 3 times a week sometimes 4 f i feel good.
So whats up with this ? i thought it might be low endorphines, so i tried 2g tyrosine before workout, it didn't feel great buti was able to train 60 minutes, i also tried with 500mg l-phenylalanine , which worked kinda better. but thats not a solution i wanna feel good again when doing sports, not just forcing my self through the workout feeling awful with no pleasure at all. i couldn't find much on this topic maybe you guys have a clue ?
2) i guess this can be adressed to the damage the painkillers did to my brain, any clues to reverse brain damage cause by ibuprofen+paracetamol ?
i told this two 2 neurology-doctors they didnt said anything on this topic , like they had no clue x.x

to all the other problems:
at my 20's i started noticing damage to my brain, especialy now at my 23's i literaly feel retarded compered to me in my 19's i got :
3) memory problems, short memory, long term memory, i literaly can'T recall events from the past, only maybe 10 of the most important events, even if people try to recall me stuff from the past, i'm completely clueless, i can'T remember faces and names i.e. a month ago i met a girl in a club it realy klicked from the first time, we made up had great time for the next 2 days, then we didn't met for 2 days and i had absolutely no clue how her face even looked like. Also it seems that the lack in memory also affect'S my emotions, when i meet with a person i cannot recall emotion from the last day we met, its like i never had any interaction with that person ever. same with the example abofe. in general i can't recall any feelin for any person even if it used to be a loved one, usualy it takes up to spent a few hours with that specific person till i start getting slowly the feelings again.
only memory concerning information kinda works but realy bad.
also i feel realy dump, my thoughts are REALY SLOW, i mean i literaly feel that my brain is working slow realy slow, all day long it is even noticable in daily life, i need for any task much more time regardless of what it is or how easy it is. for example i think i needed about 5 hours to write this post x.x, processing stuff i read or write is extreamly slow also. same goes to languege, it is realy difficult for me to express my thoughts.

i've read this can be fixed by raising the acetylcholine levels in the brain.

i was going to buy as recommended in bravemens book:

gpc choline+phosphaditylcholine+hypernize A+ Acetylcarnitine+taurine+phosphatidylresine at 12 p.m. everyday

but then i thought, maybe nootropics are better suited for fixing this damage more effectivly, i think about:

piracetam+cdp choline+acetylcholine+Lion's mane+PhosphatidylSerine+Phosphatidylcholine+Sulbutiamine

in bravemens book is written that phosphaditylserine is used to repair serious memory issues.
i think its good to use lots of supplements on this since the damage is severe.
your thought's ?

4) the anxiety problem as described above. i 'm pretty sure it is due to lack of gaba, i mean everything must be fucked up in my brain right know.
serotonin got fixed since i take 5-htp (15th august), i definetly have dopa deficiency.
only gaba left and i m pretty sure this is it. also i think it plays a big role that i dont feel euphoric while doing sports and why my brain feels drained and all this stuff.

i was going to supplement:

gaba+taurine+glycine+inositol+b-complex

maybe including a nootropic like picamilion ? as far as i understood, i dont think phenibut is going to help repair gaba damage.

also i think gaba is so low that it can't handly the dopa levels thats why i get anxius after weight lifting. read more below

5)about dopa deficience,i have all the symptoms for it , lack of enthousiams, fun, feelings, power , energy, motivation, im apathetic, and so on, i think this is also a big reason for the lack of enthousiasm and euphory in sports, also i cannot concentrate , and a lot of people tell me that they can literaly see how unfocused i am. EXCEPTION: i noticed after going to the gym weight lifting and taking tyrosin before the training after the training i can focus, but im way to tired to study or something like this.
also i have hypothiroid , thats why i wanna take tyrosin+phenilalanine in the morning

BUT i noticed after taking tyrosine 500mg, after a few hours ! i get headache it worsens and get to migraine level, tried 3 times same result,
first time i just took 100mg 5htp+ green tea extract waited a few hours didn't felt better, took sumatriptan and went sleep.
second time 100mg 5htp+ gte + 50mg valerian root+ sumatriptan went sleep and the next day i was full with power all day long.
third time i took 200mg 5htp+ 50mg valerian root + gte + paracetamol and went to sleep

i think the headache is caused by neurotransmiter imbalance, i think gaba is way too low and it cant handle the dopamine, thats why i get the migraine response.
with 5 htp and sumatriptan i then try erase the pain and set my body to sleep so it can rebalance . when it rebalances i feel the same dopa deficiency as always.

also for my serotonin deficiency i started taking SAM-e in the morning 200mg, it realy helped me a lot, also it seems that i can talk now. still taking about 100mg 5htp before going to sleep. i think SAM-e also has something to do with the headache caused by tyrosin, i think there must be insuficient nutrition in the brain.

thats also why i wanna fuel up acetycholin and gaba, eventhough i'm deficient in all of these for sure. absolutely no doubt about it

6)needles to say my libido was non existant the last years, but according to eric braveman this is normal by acetylcholin, gaba, serotonin, and dopamin deficiency, so fix these for and then i think libido will be alive again.
oh yeah since taking 5htp and doing some jogging and also adding alanine, i sometimes feel something coming alive :D, but very seldom phenomenon here ^_^.

7) i also have a strange problem, since the depression and migraines i literaly couldn't feel my body, it was like i was a head walking without a body, or lying on the bed, it was like i'm just a head nothing more x.x the situation got better now i kinda feel my body again , but i somewhere read that there is a substance that interacts whith the nervous system and builds up the nerve endings in the body so you can feel it, anyone can recall the substance ?

i think that this information is enough, eventhough i didn't went into much detail, but i think more detail wouldn't be that nessecery eventhough you would feel me better and understand that my deficiensies and damage are realy huge and have big inpact in all aspects of my life.
o yeah an example, before taking htp, i was sleeping for at least 16 hours a day, i could even go for a walk of 30 minutes and i felt plain dead, i was totaly exhausted after some walking, my head felt terrible, like total overtraining, wich coudnt be the case, in this phase i even stopped doing sports to see the impact of the brain damage. all day long i felt totaly destructed and spent all day lying around it also was the phase where i was all the time anxius without any reason.

in erics bravemens book , he has this deficiency test, well i don't need this test to know that im totaly screwed, but just for the curious out there.
he says 0-5 points light def., 6-15 modarate def., and if you have 15+ points you should get immidiate professional help

my deficiencys:
dopa:21
acetylcholine:19
gaba:22
serotonin:12 eventhough i take 5htp for months

also my natures (before the depression)

dopa:29
acetylcholine:28
gaba:25
serotonin:38 so i'm serotonin nature in terms of this book

i did not consult professional help for 5 reasons:
1st: due to my experience with doctors i have lost all respect and trust in them, they simply dont care neither take time to fully and correctly diagnose a patient.
2nd: the prescription medication is hell, full of serious side-effects, and the doctors are incapable to determine what medication is best for the patient. and by no means good for long term use anyways.
3rd: i currently live abroad and my insurence is very limited here XD
4th: i think i can do better with your help.
5th:also eric bravement stated he would just temporaly use prescripton drugs in serious cases and then switch to supplements.

also i dont need any psycholigal help, i have insanely strong character, and since i survived my depression, everythng is fine now emotionaly, eventhogh i'm pretty emotionless , i dont care about this small problem, all i need is repairing the brain as good as possible.
and since my depression is almost gone my social life is social again.

also i dont take any drugs for years, no canabis, no alcohol, no nicotin.

ah yeah and i have a limit per month this would be 150€. thats actualy every cent i have left each month, i even cut off going out, or eating outside. i also cut off meat, taking creatine instead till brain is repaired.

i would be very thankfull for every single post on this topic, i also took my time reading tons of stuff about this the past few months, i just need last thought from more experienced people so i can take efficient action.


big thanks again.

Edited by chris7900, 08 November 2013 - 09:55 PM.

[addx]

your depression seemed to have been "fixed" by some kind of denial it seems causing the lingering anhedonia.

your dopaminergic pathways are still strangled by the lingering anhedonia disabling you from feeling reward from muscle accomplishment.

if you want to feel like you used to feel when jogging, try memantine, it is dopaminergic, unfortunately it will not help your memory. but it does reproduce the emotion of feeling like a god when joggind. and it does it without any euphoric or anxious sideeffects. you can try this just to test the case, it's not a cure.

anyway, im not passing any kind of judgement or devaluing. but you're underestimating the power of the psyche and thinking you'll fix yourself with dodgy supplements.

if you want chemistry that can really address your issues look at stuff like ibogaine. microdosing it for example

[nowayout]

That's not really painkiller abuse. Ibuprofen and paracetamol at those doses wouldn't have the mental side effects you think they are having. (Lots of people take higher doses than that for many years for various kinds of arthritis - both are quite safe as far as mental side effects are concerned.) In fact paracetamol has shown some anti-anxiety effects in recent studies.

When people talk about painkiller abuse wtih mental side effects they are referring to opioids (codeine, hydrocodone, oxycodone, tramadol, etc.), not anti-inflammatories such as ibuprofen or antipiretics such as paracetamol.

Edited by nowayout, 09 November 2013 - 07:58 PM.

[chris7900]

thank you for your efford reading my post,

it's not exactly that i'm trying to fix myself just by chemistry. I have tried the last 3 years to fix the issues without any chemicals, there have been some minor improvements, but i truely believe that with some chemistry i can support my brain to fix the issues much faster, thats also why i still dont think i'm going to use medical drugs to improve my condition, but rather stick with supplements that are used by the brain to natural repair itself. Of course this statement is not 100% correct , but thats kinda the direction i want to take.
Additional to the chemistry i'm going to use, i will force myself to continue jogging, weightlifting, socialising, and trying to have a good time, because as you stated, i do belief that these stuff is crucial for the cure, that's also why i'm forcing my self into this, eventhough i didn't used to enjoy these stuff at all, since taking 5htp these activies are bearable now, i also started to slightly like some of the activities from time to time, thats also why i have my hopes up that chemistry is going to support me and make a difference.
I give you an example about my social life, the past 3 years, eventhough i didn't realy enjoy socializing, and preferred to be alone, still do, i was going out and stuff, i didn'T showed any dysfunctional behaviour to the people around me, what i did, was simulating (pretending to) emotions, i may not felt any emotions at all, but i just faked them, like enjoying myself, having fun, laughing , pretending that i was happy, eventhough i literaly felt nothing at all, all the time, but that was part of my self-healing. Needless to say this simulating costed me lots of efford and was realy exhausting.

The term anhedonia,it was new to me, but it exactly describes my condition.
I'm pretty sure this condition evolved subconsiously to depress my depression, first i thought that this was a perfect conditon for me, no emotions, no need for social contact, no need for sex, no need to go out and have fun, it was kinda practical, and since i had no feelings, i may not felt sad and or depressed, but what i didn'T noticed was that eventhough i didn't felt the depression, i do was in a realy heavy depressed state, so
i've noticed that this condition is completely dysfuntional a few months ago and started to self-heal it again, i accomplished within these months some minor improvements, but i still hope that with chemistry support, i am going to get healed.

I will do some more research on the memantine, it looks interesting, and maybe i give it a try to see if it works, in case it works we can adress the issue there wich would be awesome, and i think my insurence is going to pay a visit at a psychiatry or a neuro-clinic so i can talk with a doctor. eventhough i'm not in the country my insurence is kicking in.
BUT when i said i wanna feel good again while doing sports, i was referring to fixing the issue my brain has at the moment, not being able to reproduce these good feeling by itself, this is by all means a brain dysfunction. I have no intend in taking some chemicals that are going to reproduce just the feeling, i want this repaired so my brain can function naturaly and produce these feelings by itself.
i will tell you about the results when i deside to give mematine a try, and what the doc said IF my insurance is going to pay a visit at a clinic.

Same goes for ibogaine, i will do research on this chemical. But i think this chemical is to complex and my knowledge in brainchemistry is by all means not sufficient for its use. Maybe i read a book about it and if i decide to use it i am going to give a report.

about the painkillers.
so i can rule out the possibility of have taken damage by them `? that would be great, one problem less to worry.
i did some research on how ibuprofen and paracetamol have effect on the nervous system but i couldn't find any usefull information, thats why i also asked in this post.

Also about the chemical stuff, i intend on fixing damage in the brainchemistry first, the stuff i read on the internet and in the books , convinced me that it would be a good move to support the neurotransmiters serotonin, gaba, acetylcholine, and dopamine.
i also do beliefe in the ability of my body figuring out itself how things are best to be fixed, so providing supplements it can use as tools and building blocks as my body decides to be the best, is in my opinion a good way in supporting it.
Also i have a strong personality, and asking for help is not my type of person,
by doing so, and also looking for help with nutrition, medicine, and chemicals means that i do have reached point zero.

thanks again.

[addx]

try memantine, just for kicks.

im not sure they'll give you an rx just for kicks though.

it is meant for alzheimes but used offlabel for OCD and shows much promise in other disorders. it is able to stop bipolar mania and keep it controlled without any help and it is infact activating!

the only time i felt good to physically move since childhood was when I was on memantine. alas, tolerance to this effect does seem to develop slightly over time. i now only use memantine occasionally when i feel the it will benefit my time(if im going dancing for example).

it is not the same as when taking stimulants like amph or cocaine. memantine causes literally reward for muscle movement - precise muscle movement. you feel precise, swift, able, "ready to move". it's completely different from stimulants. i also used wellbutrin which is also dopaminergic but does not produce this exect effect(infact it rather produces anger due to its noradrenergic effects).

anyway, i just recommended that so you can taste that feeling again, at least for a while. you might find a balance with it. some people use memantine as a nootropic.

and dont worry, memantine is an rx drug, but it's by far one of the safest neuro drugs on the market. aspirin IMO has a more risky list of sideeffects. memantine only causes some inital brain fog as it antagonises nicotinic receptors, you get used to it, and it also helps stopping smoking.


as for ibo, you can microdose it, i'm about to order that, im done waiting on this jdtic thing