40 replies to this topic

[TheMemorySeeker]

Hi guys,

First of all I want to say that I am glad that I found this forum seemingly full of smart and resourceful people. Please pardon me if my English is a bit off as it is not my native language, and please excuse my long post.

I don't know where to start nor if this is the appropriate forum, but here is my story:

As a kid, I was a smart one. I used to impress my teachers, my parents used to bring friends over to our house to show-off with my memory skills and my math abilities. As a teenager, I was grade A, top of my class. Never did drugs, alcohol, nor smoked cigarette nor anything else. I could understand physics, algebra, foreign languages with little studying. Everything in my brain seemed to come together will little effort.

As a young adult, I was sharp, ambitious and at my work (software engineer), I was seen as the "smart" guy, the young man with a nice attitude helping everyone out. I always trusted myself and my mental abilities, and I exceeded at what I did. In that period (at around 22 years of age), I gained a bit of weight, so I took ephedrine I bought at the pharmacy for 6 months. As I was taking it, I started noticing little insignificant "glitches" with my short term memory, but nothing serious. I stopped the ephedrine because my weight was by then back to normal.
A couple of years after this, I started noticing a steady decline in mental abilities. Nothing too drastic, but I noticed my problem solving skills were getting slower, and my once elephant like memory, was starting to slowly degrade.

I always was a bit OCD (is that what you call it?)..maybe Perfectionist as well. For example, when I closed the door, I used to verify 2 or 3 times that it was closed. Used to buy every brand of product x to see which brand is better, and when I found it, I used to worry that there would be some other brand that would be better that I have not tried. When I go to store to buy an item, if there are 10 packs of the said item, I look at every single one and look again to make sure I pick "the best looking" packaging of the bunch.

Fast forward to 6 months ago....

I am now 35 years old. In my brain, I don't recognize myself anymore. I cannot focus on pretty much nothing, unable to easily learn new skills, almost no short term memory (for example if you tell me your name or phone number, I will almost certainly forget it a few minutes later), and no clear thoughts. I don't even trust myself taking familiar stairs in the dark like I used to before.
I have the constant impression that my brain is in a halt, my thoughts are foggy and un-clear.
My brain physically hurts, from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep. And when I try to focus and think on something simple or complex, my brain physically (I feel it, not as a figure of speech) hurts more!

I was the sharpest guy around, now I say dumb stuff, I confuse my terms (for example I say to someone "put the milk in the dishwasher!"), and I think in my mind *every single time* "did I just say that?" and I feel like an idiot, yet I cannot seem to stop saying such incoherencies.
I used to have a rich vocabulary and used to express myself with eloquence and sophisticated words. Today, when I speak, I mentally look for words that used to come to me without any explicit thought process...and most of the time I cannot recall them so I just use simpler terms...or wrong words.
I forget the lyrics to songs I used to sing a hundred times before. I noticed that this started this past summer.
The mental sharpness is gone as well. I used to be one of the guys that was able to reply to a dumb remarks in an instant with a smart or funny comment. Today I struggle to comeout with an answer that doesn't make me look bad, so I just don't say anything.
My work has stalled, as I have lot of difficulties focusing on my code. I used to write hundreds of thousand of line of code applications and used to be able to situate myself and know almost all the methods and parameters by heart. Today a few hundred lines and I am lost. I have to review.

I separated from my wife 3 years ago (I initiated it as I was miserable with her). For the first few months I felt like a new man, free as a bird. But then I started culpabilsing myself because I was not seeing my children as much. And I felt culpability, and sometime I still do. I think about my ex-wife alone with the kids in her apartment, with little income (I try to help her as much as I can financially) and it breaks my heart, but I cannot get back with her. I was an extremely unhappy man. We cannot get along.
I had a "minor" depression a year and a half ago, for which my doctor prescribed CItalopram 20mg, I took it for a couple of months and I quit. I am not sure I was feeling any better. I still have a couple of boxes left.

I read a few posts on this forum, but I cannot remember what I read, nor easily retain information. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if I am walking aimlessly through a foggy desert, with no goal or purpose. I feel like a little scared kid inside my mind.
I see myself getting dumber and dumber as time goes by, I feel all day long like someone who just woke up from bed and is deeply confused, but I never wake up and my confusion never goes away, and I cannot seem to do anything to help it. I am afraid. I don't know who or what I will become in a few years :(

This is the first time I tell anyone about it. My family, my girlfriend, my kids, my co-workers do not know anything about it. I just make contact less with them so they don't see how deeply confused I have become. They all think I am the smart guy I once was...but I know I am not. The older me died inside of me :(

If anyone is reading my story and can offer some help, be it suggesting a supplement to take, or an advice, anything... I would really appreciate it.


I'm falling apart, please help


.

Edited by TheMemorySeeker, 08 December 2013 - 10:35 AM.

[Ben]

I don't think anti depressants are going to do you any favours in the long term. They may help to alleviate the crushing negative emotional pain you're feeling but that pain is also what will motivate you to improve your situation. Don't veg out and drift further away.

Going from having a family to being the creator of a broken home is going to cause you inescapable emotional pain (a lesson for everyone when deciding on whom to have a family with.) You've statistically set your children up for life long hardship. You are of course lonely. You've gone from one extreme to the other.

If you do nothing, your pain will likely get worse--and then you will be of no use to anyone and will have failed your children further.

You can do something though:

1. Get fit (exercise strenuously everyday. Don't let excess energy become excess you can use to wallow in your misery.)
2. Keep regular hours.
3. Eat healthily.
4. Get out there and meet people (pm me if you would like solid, actionable, advice on overcoming social anxiety--if you have it.)


Best wishes to you. Things will improve. Be strong man.

[blood]

You can do something though:

1. Get fit (exercise strenuously everyday. Don't let excess energy become excess you can use to wallow in your misery.)
2. Keep regular hours.
3. Eat healthily.
4. Get out there and meet people (pm me if you would like solid, actionable, advice on overcoming social anxiety--if you have it.)

Good general advice, but doesn't appear to address his key problem, which appears to be a mild cognitive impairment (maybe related to a depressive state, but maybe not).

Edited by blood, 08 December 2013 - 10:20 AM.

[TheMemorySeeker]

1. Get fit (exercise strenuously everyday. Don't let excess energy become excess you can use to wallow in your misery.)
2. Keep regular hours.
3. Eat healthily.
4. Get out there and meet people (pm me if you would like solid, actionable, advice on overcoming social anxiety--if you have it.)

Hey Ben, and thanks for your reply. I will adress your 4 points:

1. I train 5-6 times a week. I lift weights and I think I have a fairly decent muscular shape. I posed for a local fitness magasine a few years ago.
2. I have a problem with that..I sleep at 07:00AM and wake-up at 3:00PM. I cannot seem to sleep any earlier.
3. I eat healthy
4. I am the most sociable guy around, even with less contact with people nowadays. I have no anxiety issues meeting new people or being in public, but thanks for the offer. I was at a party 2 weeks ago and I had a blast, went on stage and sang for everyone. The reason I have less contact with my entourage nowadays is not because of anxiety per se, it is because I am concered they will start noticing these issues I am having.

It is like there is something biologically wrong with me and is keeping me bolted to my confusion and cognitive issues, walking like a chicken with no head.

Edited by TheMemorySeeker, 08 December 2013 - 10:24 AM.

[Ark]

Try Martial Arts

[Ben]

1. Get fit (exercise strenuously everyday. Don't let excess energy become excess you can use to wallow in your misery.)
2. Keep regular hours.
3. Eat healthily.
4. Get out there and meet people (pm me if you would like solid, actionable, advice on overcoming social anxiety--if you have it.)

Hey Ben, and thanks for your reply. I will adress your 4 points:

1. I train 5-6 times a week. I lift weights and I think I have a fairly decent msucular shape. I posed for a local fitness magasine a few years ago.
2. I have a problem with that..I sleep at 07:00AM and wake-up at 3:00PM. I cannot seem to sleep any earlier.
3. I eat heatly
4. I am the most sociable guy around, even with less contacts. I have no anxiety issues meeting new people or being in public, but thanks for the offer.

It is like there is something biologically wrong with me and is keeping me bolted to my pain, walking like a chicken with no head.

Looks like you've got the basics down. Getting a regimented time to sleep is good for lifiting your spirits (particularly when things are very dark.) How's your sleep hygiene? Do you exercise too close to bed? Are you doing something too stimulating before hand? Is your house very brighly lit and therefore supressing the natural production of melatonin at night? Have you tried supplemental melatonin? Worked well for me.

To shift your sleeping patterns now, you'll have to do it gradually--sleeping an hour less than you would normally and going to bed one hour earlier (or at least trying to.)

I don't want to be too presumptive, but maybe your attachment to the pain is some sort of self flagellation (which is impossible for you now considering your responsibility.)

Cognition wise, I believe we peak at 25 and then it gradually goes down from there. Neurologists suggest juggling and learning a new language.

[TheMemorySeeker]

Have you tried supplemental melatonin? Worked well for me.

To shift your sleeping patterns now, you'll have to do it gradually--sleeping an hour less than you would normally and going to bed one hour earlier (or at least trying to.)

Will do. I have been wanting to straighten my sleeping pattern for months. Maybe now is the time.

I don't want to be too presumptive, but maybe your attachment to the pain is some sort of self flagellation (which is impossible for you now considering your responsibility.)

I think I expressed myself wrongly. I updated my post. What I meant was the pain I feel from not being able to recognise myself anymore.

Edited by TheMemorySeeker, 08 December 2013 - 10:30 AM.

[Olon]

Has there ever been done a magnetic resonance imaging of your brain?

[TheMemorySeeker]

Has there ever been done a magnetic resonance imaging of your brain?

No never. When I spoke with my generalist about my symptoms, she said I was passing through a depression and this is when she prescribed to me the Citalopram 20mg, which I do not take anymore.

Edited by TheMemorySeeker, 08 December 2013 - 10:51 AM.

[Olon]

How long has this "episode" going now? If it's longer than half a year I would try to get an NMR. Otherwise the slight tendency towards OCD could let me think about glutamatergic treatment like lamotrigine plus N-acetylcystein.

Edited by Olon, 08 December 2013 - 12:27 PM.

[platypus]

2. I have a problem with that..I sleep at 07:00AM and wake-up at 3:00PM. I cannot seem to sleep any earlier.

You should simply skip one "night" of sleep. Sleep deprivation is anti-depressive as well. Are you addicted to the internet?

[abelard lindsay]

Have you gotten tested for heavy metals? Mercury or lead poisoning can bring on cognitive problems in otherwise healthy individuals.

[KimberCT]

Wake up with headaches? Snore or hold your breath at night? I'm wondering about sleep apnea.

[drg]

Well I'd would start by focusing on the obvious answers like depression, try like 2-3 different Meds to see if one will help. Get a hormone panel, blood tests for thyroid issues or low testosterone ect. Your sleep is obviously messed up so prioritize getting regular hours, sunlight is an antidepressant. After that you could start trying nootropics but no point doing everything at once.

[TheMemorySeeker]

How long has this "episode" going now? If it's longer than half a year I would try to get an NMR. Otherwise the slight tendency towards OCD could let me think about glutamatergic treatment like lamotrigine plus N-acetylcystein.

I started noticing cognitive problems at around 24-25 years old. Although It never was as serious as it is now. The problem in Canada is that they just don't give magnetic resonance tests to anyone, and there is a 2 years waiting period or something.

You should simply skip one "night" of sleep. Sleep deprivation is anti-depressive as well. Are you addicted to the internet?

Sleep deprivation is anti-depressive? Never hear that one before. I have a tendency to real a lot of articles about a lot of topics at night. A mini addiction I would say, as I could take a 3 weeks break up north, and not think about the internet or my work. Although when I do work, I am a bit of a workaholic.

Have you gotten tested for heavy metals? Mercury or lead poisoning can bring on cognitive problems in otherwise healthy individuals.

No, never. My generalist thought I had a depression when I talked to her about my symptoms and just gave me an SSRI.

Wake up with headaches? Snore or hold your breath at night? I'm wondering about sleep apnea.

Light snoring as my girlfriend tells me, nothing much. I wake up in bad shape 9 days out of 10. Never feel refreshed or rested. Just wake up with a weird buzzing/aching in my brain.

Well I'd would start by focusing on the obvious answers like depression, try like 2-3 different Meds to see if one will help. Get a hormone panel, blood tests for thyroid issues or low testosterone ect.

Last hormonal panel test showed normal serum T levels, and thyroid function. I might go for another blood work soon though.

Thank you all for you replies and help. I don't feel so alone with my issue anymore and this fact alone, does good to the moral.

Btw, come to think of it, part of my OCD (like sometimes driving back home to make sure I close the garage door) is due to the fact that I do not trust myself anymore because I am forgetful, so for example while driving away from home, I think to myself if I have closed the garage door, and since I cannot recall that fact anymore, I go back to make sure I did.

[Olon]

I started noticing cognitive problems at around 24-25 years old. Although It never was as serious as it is now. The problem in Canada is that they just don't give magnetic resonance tests to anyone, and there is a 2 years waiting period or something.

Get one when you are in the US next time and pay private?

[TheMemorySeeker]

I started noticing cognitive problems at around 24-25 years old. Although It never was as serious as it is now. The problem in Canada is that they just don't give magnetic resonance tests to anyone, and there is a 2 years waiting period or something.

Get one when you are in the US next time and pay private?

I will start looking a private clinic in Canad that can do that. If such thing even exist.

Meanwhile, I was hoping for help on using Nootropics because not that long ago (a few months ago) I still had few days a month (usually not consecutive) were I would wake up and my brain would be fully functional and I would feel like my old self again, and I would be on top of the world...for that day.

I just want to get that feeling, but everyday of the year :/



.

Edited by TheMemorySeeker, 09 December 2013 - 07:14 AM.

[Olon]

I still had few days a month (usually not consecutive) were I would wake up and my brain would be fully functional and I would feel like my old self again, and I would be on top of the world...for that day.

With the use of substances? If not that speaks against a degenerative process that can be seen in the MR.

[TheMemorySeeker]

I still had few days a month (usually not consecutive) were I would wake up and my brain would be fully functional and I would feel like my old self again, and I would be on top of the world...for that day.

With the use of substances? If not that speaks against a degenerative process that can be seen in the MR.

No, no specific substance I can recall, but it happened as well when I was taking the anti-depressent, a few days in if I remember correctly. I just used to wake up and I would have all my cognitive functions back. I would be able to recall all words, no difficulty finding complex words while speaking, the thoughts would be clear in my head and that would make me really feel good and confident about myself.

These days do not happen anymore.

Now instead with every failure to recall something, with every failure to have a clear thought, I lose more and more trust in myself and it becomes a vicious circle.


.

Edited by TheMemorySeeker, 09 December 2013 - 07:42 AM.

[gnappi]

It seems that you suffer from adrenal fatigue. See the website below:
http://www.adrenalfa...adrenal-fatigue

[hani]

Wow, the level of pseudoscience in this thread is way to high...

Anyways, is there any history of mental illness in your family? Have you been under chronic stress for the last few years? You only noticed the cognitive decline 6 months ago?

[Muad'Dib]

Try MrHappys stack its a combo of DHA(Fish Oil) GPC(Choline) Uridine.

It gives me a mental boost and makes me feel really nice.
And I think its a good thing for almost everyone.

You can find more info on this link. http://www.longecity...ne-uridine-dha/

[Babychris]

it really sounds like a infernal circle of anxious depression. Don't found the solution yet sorry.

[Deep Thought]

Sad. Your condition reminds me of my own. I was always the brightest kid in class - if not the entire school, until depression and anxiety struck.

It's sad that people who are not well, aren't offered a solution or a more thorough medical examination. My own condition could've been prevented if the psychologist I went to didn't start calling me names. Fucker called me lazy. That's not a diagnose, that's his shitty opinion...

On to your condition. Have you considered taking a MAO-I? It's a highly stigmatized category of medicine, which irreversibly binds to MAO-B, which renders it incapable of digesting benzylamine, phenylethylamine and dopamine. On its' own however, it has very poor therapeutic benefits for treating depression. Combined with phenylalanine however, and it quickly becomes efficient in treating atypical depression. (I've mentioned deprenyl several times on the forum, I don't mean to push this pharmeutical nor offer medical advice.)

+1 to the poster above. It sounds like an infernal circle of anxious depression, with mild cognitive dysfunction such as problems concentrating, poor memory, short attention-span and so on.

As a final note, I can relate to the terrible feeling of feeling trapped inside your own mind. As if a part yourself has died off and that you're stuck with the sorry remnants.

Edited by Deep Thought, 10 December 2013 - 09:35 AM.

[Tom_]

The amount of psudoscience is way to high in this thread but its better than most.

You do not need an MRI - it isn't going to show anything of use. Adrenal fatigue is an 'alternative medical' diagnosis, otherwise known as not medical. Please see my thread for its research support: http://www.longecity...ue/#entry626966

Yes, skipping a night of sleep or more typically the second half of a night of sleep is antidepressive but obviously this cannot be used to treat depression and it risks screwing up your already slightly fucked sleep pattern.

I suspect you are suffering from a depressive episode co-morbid to OCD and the physical pain is somaticized anxiety. A sleep disorder is possible as is chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia (although I consider the last two to be less likely). This does have some correlates to schizophrenia but I see no positive symptoms and you are a bit late in showing signs. I'm sure as we all ask questions the situation will become more clear. I'd advise against using nootropics as this may complicate the situation further making diagnosis harder and they could easily worsen the situation rather than improve it. That being said if you insist on trying them at least do so sensible and try one at a time that isn't likely to worsen symptoms like Citiocholine. All symptoms should be examined in a systemic and rational manner. That means re-doing bloods (Thyroid function tests (TFTs), Liver function tests (LFTs), BMP (basic metabolic panel), F/CBC (Full/Complete blood count) B-12) and some questions:

The pain in your head, is there a time of day its worst?
When do you feel worst in the day, emotionally?
How bad are the OCD symptoms now?
Have you had any thoughts or engaged in/with/made plans for suicide or deliberately harming yourself?
What is your appetite like?
What time most nights do you get to sleep, what time do you wake up and how tired do you feel after that much sleep?
Do you feel hopeless or feel like you are beginning to have no chance of getting better?
Is there a history of diabetes, neurological disorders (brain cancer to MS to migraines), functional psychiatric disorders (depression to Bi-polar or schizophrenia in the family), sleep disorders, any other major medical disorders?
List every diagnosed health complaint you have?
How is your sexual appetite and functioning?
How badly would you rate the pain in your head on a scale of 1-10. 10 would be completely incapacitated - on the floor either screaming or unable to communicate, 1 would be you notice a slight twinge that doesn't even bother you and you would be lucky to remember. To get a good idea of a six pinch the skin between your thumb and forefinger with your other thumb and forefinger and dig in with your nails as hard as possible.
What drugs/medicines are you taking at the moment? How much do you drink in an average week?
Have you used any drugs of abuse in the past illegal or legal?
Has anyone in your family died by suicide or engaged in self harm?
Do you move excessively during sleep, find yourself waking up a lot after having gone to sleep (possibly feeling out of breath), nap in the day, fall asleep against your will in the day?
What is your BMI? How much do you weight and how tall are you?

Would you mind filling in and giving me the score for these:
Beck's Depression Inventory - 2 http://www.ibogaine..../3639b1c_23.pdf

Epworth sleepiness scale - http://www.narcoleps...leepiness-scale

OCD inventory - http://www.google.co....57799294,d.ZGU

The reason I've jumped to depression as a most likely diagnosis is as follows: It's very common and the most common cause of cognitive dysfunction in people under 65, men aged between 19-25 are a high risk group for first depressive episodes, you have symptoms of OCD (unsure as of yet if its a full blown disorder) at least 80% of whom suffer a depressive episode at some point, you describe some major life stressors - divorce, having children (what age where you when you had them?), difficulty at work, unusual pains (I am certainly not ruling out a 'physical cause' although of course depression is a physical disease, there isn't any other type) and you describe symptoms and common cognitive and behavioral cycles revolving around guilt, poor sleep hygiene and persuasive low mood.

If you are depressed I'd recommend cognitive behavioral therapy combined with an antidepressant (which one? Well that needs more information). CBT can be obtained free online in a computerized form or from a book but is somewhat more efficacious face to face. Group therapy is particularly effective, in particular if you have to pay for it (I haven't the foggiest how you're health system works), in which case it's often slightly cheaper AND more effective - awesome, eh?

Edited by Tom_, 10 December 2013 - 01:24 PM.

[Deep Thought]

I started noticing cognitive problems at around 24-25 years old. Although It never was as serious as it is now. The problem in Canada is that they just don't give magnetic resonance tests to anyone, and there is a 2 years waiting period or something.

Get one when you are in the US next time and pay private?

I will start looking a private clinic in Canad that can do that. If such thing even exist.

Meanwhile, I was hoping for help on using Nootropics because not that long ago (a few months ago) I still had few days a month (usually not consecutive) were I would wake up and my brain would be fully functional and I would feel like my old self again, and I would be on top of the world...for that day.

I just want to get that feeling, but everyday of the year :/
.

+1 for what Tom_ said, that was very sensible advice. Consider answering the questions - you're protected by anonymity here. Some people find they can better cope with their existence if they write down what they're thinking, see this article: http://videnskab.dk/...d-simpel-ovelse. You also gain the added benefit of being able to review what has been going through your mind, without taxing your working memory nearly as much, as you would have by pondering.



And don't believe in alternative medicine, it's no better than unsubstantiated modern witchcraft.

*****
Don't take my previous post all too seriously, I was in a funny mood when I wrote it. Thinking of certain people agitates me.

[Tom_]

Thanks for the glowing support deep thought.

"And don't believe in alternative medicine, it's no better than unsubstantiated modern witchcraft." That should be voted the best comment on the internet.

Having read your first post about MAO-B I now need to add a few things. MAO-B inhibition has been shown to have no significant effect on depression. Inhibition of MAO-A has potent antidepressive effects and inhibition of both may lead to a slightly greater AD effects. Combining an MAO-B inhibitor with PEA is no different to taking amfetamine for your depression - it might ameliorate some symptoms for a while but poop-out is almost unavoidable and it doesn't have antidepressive effects but rather mood lifting effects, two distinct things. Selegiline acts as an antidepressant only in doses high enough to inhibit MAO-A as well as MAO-B. Although Selegiline is a potent antidepressant when used at that dose its not the safest and certainly doesn't have the least side effects, it should be a fourth line option in most cases.

I forgot to add, if you feel uncomfortable answering the questions please feel free to PM me if that makes it easier.

[gnappi]

Thanks for the glowing support deep thought.

"And don't believe in alternative medicine, it's no better than unsubstantiated modern witchcraft." That should be voted the best comment on the internet.

Vitamins C, E, B6, B-complex, Pantothenic acid, Magnesium, Calcium, Trace minerals (zinc, manganese, selenium, molybdenum, chromium, copper, iodine), licorice root extract, rhodiola and ashwagandha = alternative medicine, that's no better than "unsubstantiated modern witchcraft". THAT should be voted the best comment on the internet. ;^)

Edited by gnappi, 12 December 2013 - 03:31 PM.

[Flex]

Interresting, it sounds somewhow like a parkinsons disease without motor impairment or/and a residual( a kind of chronic burnout)state.

[Tom_]

Flex, don't be obscene. It sounds nothing like Parkinson's disease. The cognitive symptoms are neither severe enough nor similar to be parkinsons disease. Secondly the disease process has been going on to long, motor symptoms would have appeared by now. Thirdly, did you read when he said the symptoms started? 25!..do you know the percentage of early onset parkinsons? Less than 5% before age 40...before age 30 I can't even find facts for. Fourthly where are all the other symptoms? No movement problems, no changes in perception (ex. loss of smell), no dementia, no impulsive behavior, no psychosis, no autonomic dsyfunction...

That is hardly worth gracing with a reply.