Hello all,
My name is James, greetings! I've decided to join the forum to find someone that can help me with my depression as i have absolutely had enough and am desperate to find a solution.
Background: (Or life story if you would be so kind to read, i apologise for the length.)
I have suffered with depression and anxiety for as long as i can remember, although these days i'd say the depression is the stronger more crippling trait of the two. I also suffer with OCD (which is quite well under control since i saw an amazing therapist who set me up with some awesome coping methods.) Paranoia (not to a psychosis type level, just a very suspicious personality.) And ADHD. Part of me feels that the ADHD is more of an offshoot of the depression, simply because when I'm loud, bouncy and non-stop, it helps me ignore the darkness of the depression that is constantly hanging over me. And i feel that the inattentive part is just my desire to focus on things that I'm interested in, because if I'm not interested, then I'm bored, and if I'm bored I have to sit with my depression and uncomfortable feelings, which i spend my life trying to avoid. I should also mention that I'm a drug addict in recovery, (Alcohol and cocaine) and am nearly 4 years completely clean and sober. yay!!
When i was 16 (i'm now 29) i was in a really nasty car crash, resulting in multiple broken bones and a head injury in which i was put in a drug induced coma for a week to let the swelling on my brain go down. I didn't have any bleeding on the brain or anything sinister like that, and the CT scans of my head in the months and years after showed no problems whatsoever. However, although my mental health has always suffered, it got particularly worse after that crash. Depression and anxiety being the worst, i was tried on so many different medications over a period of 3 years, SSRI's, Anti-psychotics, a couple of anti-epileptics for some weird reason, never showed any signs at all of anything to do with that, i think the psychiatrist was just using me as a guinea pig to for his own amusement. I was also tried with a fair few ADHD medications, now i think this bears some significance to my brain chemistry so i'd like to point out that i responded TERRIBlY to ALL ADHD meds as a child and as an adult, (only had Ritalin as a child) they made me completely brainless, zombified, couldn't get two thoughts together, INCREDIBLY depressed (Wellbutrin was the worst for this by far.) Anything that claims to boost dopamine does not mix well with me at all, even Tyrosine. Except for cocaine and caffeine for reasons unknown, which obviously make me feel awesome. But they are of course no solution and i down regulate within a day and need them every 10 minutes. I had a similar depressed response to the anti-epileptics but just not as pronounced. Anti-psychotics made me feel like a 30 stone heavy dribbling mess that had just been sprayed full of elephant tranquillisers. The only positive response i had to all SSRI's tried was Fluoxetine (Prozac). But too much made me lazy and not care about anything. I could happily sit in the dark all day long, not depressed as such, but only because there was no emotion, good or bad. I take four 20mg capsules per week, and that is literally the only balance i have ever been able to find to keep my depression reasonably distanced. If i try to come off them, i get suicidal and flung into a world of sadness beyond imagination, and if i try to take more, no emotion. So yeah, no brilliant options at present.
When i was around 21, I'd had enough and started hitting alcohol and narcotics as they were the only thing that made me feel normal and happy. I tried almost everything, but alcohol and cocaine were my drugs of choice because they balanced me in just the right way. Naturally it didn't go well for me or anyone involved, but i just couldn't live in my head anymore. I wouldn't use drugs steadily all day every day, i had the type of pattern where i would go on 3-5 day no holds barred benders until i couldn't physically get out of bed. would spend a day or two in a world of mental and physical pain and anguish, then start fresh and promise myself i wouldn't do it anymore. But ultimately every couple of weeks it would happen again, i'd convince myself id go for just the one drink, get the taste for it and the urge and craving would be absolutely overwhelming and id fall straight back into it. I checked into rehab on my 26th Birthday, and haven't touched a single drink or drug since.
My first child was born 2 and a half years ago, and after seeing her face for the first time i didn't want to suffer with my head anymore. I wanted to be the best person i could be for my partner, my daughter, and my son who was born since. So being depressed and in fear every minute of the day was no longer an option so i swore to do something about it. So, I started researching, a lot. I didn't want to go back to a psychiatrist to stuff a load of new meds down me. So I started seeing a well known nutritional therapist in the UK where i live, and he introduced me to the world of supplements, genetic imbalances, anti-inflammatory diets etc. I have made great progress since, but am still struggling, especially since the prozac has pretty much stopped working and the dreaded depression is once again charging its batteries. My nutritional therapist doesn't specialise in the mechanisms of depression and more in the gut health department and physical fitness department. Which has of course helped, but isn't enough. Ive come here looking for people that know a little more on the subject.
The supplements I have success with and that are in my regime are, CoQ10, Pregnenolone, Vitamin D, Licorice root (although its not working as much as it did), Astaxanthin (great for my physical endurance but i feel as if my depression is worse since taking it, although could be coincidence,) TMG, Methyl B12, Cod liver oil, HCL Betaine, Magnesium. Ive tried a few supplements for depression and anxiety, but not many as i really don't have that much of an understanding of it all, which is why i'm here for all you good people to advise me!! I tried 5htp not long ago and got the same "lack of emotion" effect that i got with other SSRI's. To be fair i struggle with lack of emotion anyway but that just makes it worse. Its mainly lack of emotion, lack of pleasure, lack of motivation, lack of happiness and sense of reward that i suffer with along with an impending sense of doom and social anxiety. i have a mutation in the MTHFR gene but Folate made me feel AWFUL. Through all my research i have a suspicion i might have excess glutamate as well. But like i said, i don't know that much about this kind of stuff. One more thing that i should mention just incase it gives any insights, as far back as i can remember, I've had these tics. They aren't involuntary tics like tourettes or anything, they are an urge. They include blinking my eyes, grinding my teeth, flaring my nostrils, tensing up my muscles, rolling my eyeballs and other stuff like that. I don't know if its a part of my OCD or what, I'm pretty good at hiding them, i just can't go a minute without doing them, the urge is too damn strong!! oh and I'm crazy about nicotine too by the way, i have an e-cig that i can't go anywhere without, id have it hooked upto a constant oxygen mask if i could. I could never even imagine considering quitting. I can put up my gene SNP's if anyone would like them or if it would help.
The only thing that i have found that truly helps with it all and makes me feel my emotions and motivation again is just after vigorous exercise, but it doesn't last.
Anyway, if you've read this whole thing, well done!! And thank you so much for taking the time to read it, i really appreciate it. Hope to hear back from somebody!!
Many thanks, James.