16 replies to this topic

[Layberinthius]

Considering that the typical online dating sites are full of people with only one thing in mind, either looking to getting laid or finding that perfect christian partner, I decided that I would make a thread here.

Please note that I am doing this because I'm too socially nervous to be going out to a pub or club and asking perfectly fine women if they want a date, I've done it before in retail stores (terrible place to do this lol) and I've always been turned down, so, meh.

I've got a few issues with socializing with Australian people, they can come across as being outright nasty 9 times out of 10, but what really pisses me off is that they genuinely think that they are "being funny" when in reality they are being nasty, racist or homophobic, its enough to make you wanna just give up completely on meeting someone.

As you can imagine, someone like me who has never been kissed before having to deal with your typical Australian is like taking a kitten to the slaughterhouse.

I've been on dating sites for at least a decade now and none of the partners i've met have had the right qualifications of being interested in living forever, but also atheist, non drinker, non smoker, ontop of that interested in what I like.

I've talked to a few which could come close and I've found out later on that some of them are downright death worshippers and drunkards but have been hiding the fact until the last minute, some others have serious mental issues like manic depression, bipolar disorder, or schitzophrenia. I have suffered myself for 2 decades on and off with depression and I feel like I am just only now getting out of all of that crap, I dont want that additional burden unless its someone who has a mild case of it, ie, nothing too intense.

Am I too picky? Or is Australia just as hopelessly obsolete and outdated as I think it is?

Edited by Layberinthius, 16 August 2013 - 11:17 PM.

[nowayout]

Maybe you could concentrate on just having a little fun (and getting laid a bit) before looking for the perfect partner. It is good to have had some experience at dating, as well as in bed, anyway when you finally do find someone you want to be with. Dating takes a lot of practice, and you don't necessarily want to wait to practice on "the one." In all probability, the first person you date is not going to be the one anyway, so it may be good to take a more relaxed approach, apart from the fact that taking things as seriously as you seem to from the beginning tends to be a turnoff for many. Most people have to date a lot of people before finding someone compatible, so you might as well get started somewhere. For most people these things take years.

Oh, and lose the list of qualifications. It's a major, major turnoff, it makes you look like the arse you think everyone else is, and you are only hurting your own chances with it.

Edited by nowayout, 17 August 2013 - 06:18 AM.

[Layberinthius]

roger that, thanks for the review

EDIT:
After careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that dating is a futile process for a pre-programmed biological need and is too restrictive being in a relationship, I only need friends, and if that friendship somehow manages to form itself into a relationship then so be it.

I don't want a relationship with anyone if it means I end up becoming a tool to their wants and needs to the point that I'm serving only them, I would be unhappy with myself if I found someone who was going /against/ what I want in life all of the time. It would feel like I am going backwards or standing still.

Also, If a woman gives up on the basis of a list of qualifications then she isnt going to get very far in life, I sure as hell wouldnt want to reduce those requirements just to satisfy an (albiet strong) biological desire to have sex, and if I did I wouldn't be happy in a relationship that was founded on that.

No offence meant, thats just my findings.

Maybe a drug which cleanly supresses sexual desire without side effects is in order, temporary part-time use would be interesting.

Edited by Layberinthius, 17 August 2013 - 10:23 AM.

[PWAIN]

Layberinthius,

It's up to you, however I can say for me I have loved and been loved and it was THE most wonderful thing in my life. To live without love is to never have lived. I cannot imagine anything worse than to miss out on love. EVERYTHING you think is important is NOT and you will only really realise that when you feel love. Forget your requirements, fall in love and then decide if they are so important. Maybe they will be maybe they won't. If it is true love, you will bend over backwards for her and she will do the same for you....she will do things to make you happy....those things that are so important to you now.

Don't get me wrong, finding love is not easy but it is worth it. You tell yourself you don't care but your instincts tell you otherwise....follow them. You will not be serving anyone if you find love, only yourself. Your qualifications are something that will probably be fulfilled without having to specify them in advance. Any that aren't probably won't matter to you so much.

Go for love, go for happiness, go for life. You are not a fricking robot.

[nowayout]

Well, I am not so sure I agree with that. Being in love can be a nice feeling, sure, but it is a chemical high like many others and it is no less artificial, as you find out when their feeling of so-called love go away and they suddenly stop loving you for no good reason. And then comes the chemical low worse than anything you have ever felt. So you might as well say not having done this or that drug is not to have lived.

[Luminosity]

"I've been on dating sites for at least a decade now and none of the partners i've met have had the right qualifications of being interested in living forever, but also atheist, non drinker, non smoker, ontop of that interested in what I like."

I'm female and I've dated and had boyfriends. The vast majority of people that are interested in living forever are male, and those even are rare. Most people aren't atheists and most atheists seem to be male. A lot of people are agnostic. If a person takes an occasional drink socially, what is the point of ruling that person out? Have you ever met a woman interested in what you like? Your qualifications seen unrealistic.

I think you could benefit from talk therapy. Very few people could be happy without sex, love and affection. It seems from your posts that you're not. I think you need help to get from where you are to where you want to be.

As for the person who says you should get laid for "practice," I don't agree. As a woman, I wouldn't want to be the "practice" person. If two people love each other and are meant to be together, they will work the sex out. Men don't really learn to be good lovers until they are in a long term, loving, monogamous relationship. "Practicing" on someone creates risks of disease, pregnancy, and hurt feelings.

Edited by Luminosity, 22 August 2013 - 05:07 AM.

[Layberinthius]

"I've been on dating sites for at least a decade now and none of the partners i've met have had the right qualifications of being interested in living forever, but also atheist, non drinker, non smoker, ontop of that interested in what I like."

I'm female and I've dated and had boyfriends. The vast majority of people that are interested in living forever are male, and those even are rare. Most people aren't atheists and most atheists seem to be male. A lot of people are agnostic. If a person takes an occasional drink socially, what is the point of ruling that person out? Have you ever met a woman interested in what you like? Your qualifications seen unrealistic.

To answer your question, no, because my interests have changed gradually over the last 10 years and during that time I have flip flopped on certian minimum requirements numerous times.

But I have regularly dropped a great deal of my requirements inorder to cater for a certian girl at a paticular time but it has always ended up being a bad idea, every time that I have pursued the girl which I have relaxed my requirements for something always comes along and disgusts me about her. The extreme alcohol abuse is just an example of this.

I'm not talking about an occasional nip where the bottle of wine or vodka stays in the fridge for a year, I'm talking about avoiding women who drink a bottle of vodka a day or week.

I think that your pool of potential mates is a bit larger than the one that I get to pick from here in Australia. Are you american? if so then you get to choose from 300 million people whereas I get to choose from 22 million, on okcupid in the USA there is thousands of Poly people, in Australia there is maybe 1 or 2 within train distance from my location.

In AU I find that most women are catholic and damn proud of it. 99% of the time they are also the kind of person who goes out every weekend and stays out until the early dawn and comes back with 1% liver and 1% brain damage. Thats not my style of relaxing and it infact makes me feel irritated and nervous just thinking about going out with that crowd.

I think you could benefit from talk therapy. Very few people could be happy without sex, love and affection. It seems from your posts that you're not. I think you need help to get from where you are to where you want to be.

This is me and this is who I am, I agree that I could do with further counselling but at the moment I'm fed up with how long it has taken so far to get to where I am today and yet still think that dating is an impossible task.

I've spent most of my life socializing online because of difficulties socializing with common people. I've also spent a great deal of my life (15 years) in psychologists/counsellors offices talking about this issue of dating and socializing. I thought that at this point in my life I am ready to move on and get on with things because my counsellors/psychologists have given me the constant green light and self confidence to socialize with almost anyone, and that I have given myself the green light.

As for the person who says you should get laid for "practice," I don't agree. As a woman, I wouldn't want to be the "practice" person. If two people love each other and are meant to be together, they will work the sex out. Men don't really learn to be good lovers until they are in a long term, loving, monogamous relationship.

As a man, contrary to the opinions of a great deal of men, I wouldnt want to go through the process of having an orgasm with someone that I barely even know and wont know in 15 minutes time. I dont understand how a human being can have a state of mind like that.

"Practicing" on someone creates risks of disease, pregnancy, and hurt feelings.

10 years ago I cared as much about getting laid as I did about breathing.

Today I care as much about making a female friend than I do about getting laid.

Right up UNTIL the point that I walk up to a woman, or plan on going out with her, a few hours before I'm ready to get into the car I'm a total nervous wreck and I end up talking myself out of it every single time. Alcohol helps but it also reduces my self control so I refuse to take it on something as important as a first date.

1/3rd of the time my mind says that I am happy with putting off dating purely because I know that I will probably live forever or at least have a great long life ahead of me, and another 1/3rd of the time I'm thinking about wether or not I will be happier with finding someone right now instead of later on. another 1/3rd of the time I'm panicking about growing old and not being able to date women who I find attractive.

Good luck finding someone willing to deal with wrapping their head around that and willing to put their bottle down for 5 minutes.

Edited by Layberinthius, 23 August 2013 - 06:31 AM.

[Luminosity]

Thanks for the response. I guess drinking is a popular activity in Australia. There may seem to be more people in America but when you eliminate everyone who is messed up, there aren't that many more. I've heard Australian men aren't that romantic; don't give flowers, etc. so when you are ready to date you could maybe use that information to your advantage. I still think there's more therapy that could be helpful if you get a good therapist. When you are ready to date, you might want to find activities like hiking clubs where you could meet healthy people. When a man is approaching a woman and chatting her up, he should subtly look for sign of for things like excessive drinking. If she seems o.k., ask her out. Dates are occasions for further screening. You drop people who are alcoholics or destructive in some way. Keep seeing the ones that pass.

Poly? Are you polyamorous? I would not recommend that. My guess is that a lot of people involved in that are damaged and avoiding intimacy. It would certainly complicate things for you.

Edited by Luminosity, 24 August 2013 - 05:51 AM.

[nowayout]

Despite its reputation, surely not everybody in Australia can be a drunk. Your country has lots of good wines, so maybe go to a bit more upscale places where the kind of people hang out who have the occasional glass of wine or cocktail. Surely there must be something available other than the bars and clubs where people get drunk on cheap vodka drinks. If Jersey Shore is the kind of people you meet and the kind of friends you have, maybe try to hang out in a more educated crowd. What about a university environment, graduate clubs, wine bars, etc.? Or activities that do not involve alcohol, like hiking, bird watching, book clubs, hobbyist groups, yoga, atheist organizations, etc., something through which you may meet people with mutual interests.

Trust me, most of the U.S. is even more of a backwater than Australia. Stripmall blighted ugly grey suburbia depressia. Rates of depression are among the highest in the world. The grass is not greener there. Unless you live in a major city, dating opportunities are scarce. Maybe think of moving to Sydney or something.

Edited by nowayout, 24 August 2013 - 07:17 AM.

[JBForrester]

Well you are in the right country for atheism, but good luck in finding a compiled population of people that are predominantly strict non-drinkers, non-smokers, and atheists. Why not open up the door for a relgious person and try to convert them to atheism? Or why are you so adherent to atheism as a means of necessity in dating? Is your reason for desire in longevity to lengthen your time in finding that one specific exact person? Where is the opportunity for growth in a relationship if they are already perfect to begin with?

[Layberinthius]

Well you are in the right country for atheism, but good luck in finding a compiled population of people that are predominantly strict non-drinkers, non-smokers, and atheists. Why not open up the door for a relgious person and try to convert them to atheism? Or why are you so adherent to atheism as a means of necessity in dating? Is your reason for desire in longevity to lengthen your time in finding that one specific exact person? Where is the opportunity for growth in a relationship if they are already perfect to begin with?

I've thought about joining forces with a religious person and then trying to convert them but then I thought it was immoral and wrong to do so.

I've also opened up the door for drinkers and smokers, nobody walked in, and those who did were such heavy drinkers that they would be considered fish, and once their makeup was off they looked like they were 80 years old.

So I've set these standards to live up by, its ok if someone drinks occasionally or smokes occasionally, but its a starting point for who I want to find.

My adherence to immortality is just that, adherence, my request for somebody who is willing to live forever aswell is so that when I turn 100 years old I am not left behind alone to live out the rest of eterninty with only her memories.

My adherence to atheism is one of practicality, religious people are typically not people who are interested in scientific news, methods, ideas, simple as that.

I would go to church, I wouldnt mock her beliefs, I would attend religious ceremonies and show respect to her family, but deep down in my mind I know that adherence to the scientific principle as a means of explaining the world around us is logical and I cannot ever shake that belief because it is what has saved my life on countless occasions when I've broken the shackles of religious dogma that my father had set for me, I owe my life to the scientifc principle, rationality and logical thinking. Not to somebody who is telling me what to do, how to be good or bad, what will happen if I do bad things, how a certian group of people a couple of thousand years ago changed the world, etc.

Believing in what I believe is a matter of survival when it boils down to it, I wouldnt want anyone to go through what I went through and I sure wouldnt want my children (if I ever have one) to go through the same thing.

If I'm 'destined' to live a life of lonelyness and celibacy then so be it, these are the minimum requirements that someone else needs to live up by inorder to have my heart and mind and body.

I'm doing it the way that I want to do it, not the way somebody else thinks I should be doing it.

Edited by Layberinthius, 15 November 2013 - 07:06 AM.

[Layberinthius]

Ontop of that, I'm an immortal and transhumanist.

What happens in 1,000 years time when we are both partners in a space ship, alone, and the warp drive is broken, and we have to hike back to a distant solar system or asteroid belt or wait for 100 years for the next FTL ship to come and rescue us?

We are immortal, eternity is a hell of a long time to be spending alone together when your viewpoints about things dont mix well, the smallest imperfections are probably going to be amplified a million times.

Especially if you are living in terrible conditions, what if for example that for a 100 year reign there is a species of sub humans who think that all perfect-humans, or transhumanists should be killed off, what if we have to hide somewhere in a distant part of the galaxy, or fight back?

Space is an inhospitable place as it is, my potential partner needs to know what she is going to be getting up against, starvation, disease, lack of oxygen, the possibility of permanent zero gravity, psychotic situations whereby you are stuck alone in a space ship for long periods of time.

I'm not trying to hide away from intimacy, its other people who aren't being realistic about what is going to occur in the future for them.

We are IMMORTAL, that means that we have to work WITH the world WITH the famine, to endure the hard times so that we can enjoy the HAPPY times.

I guess I should add to that list that I'm not only transhumanist but also a realist.

If a girl isnt going to merely put up with not drinking, merely not smoking, merely not being religious, then she isnt going to be able to cope in outer space or with me for the rest of eternity, simple as that.

Edited by Layberinthius, 15 November 2013 - 07:38 AM.

[JBForrester]

I'm christian and I am extremely interested in scientific news, methods, and ideas. Quite a generalization you're making it seems.

It is one thing to lie to someone and say that you are of another faith but why couldn't you open the dialogue about God to a religious person. Socratic method is the best way to question oneself the and the world around you. You wouldn't have made that generalization had you talked with more religious people I don't think.

I think you are picky. But I see it moreso in the sense of your lack of desire to know people, to question them, to be curious. Human physiology is so unique to every individual, which is why I wasn't awake in 1979 but in 1986.

You say others aren't being realistic about the future, but you will first have to prove to others that we are indeed immortal, considering our cells can only divide 52 times.

[JBForrester]

Oh, and to answer your second question, yes I do think Australia is as outdated and obsolete as you think it is. Not to mention suffering from the effects of isolation.

[Layberinthius]

I'm christian and I am extremely interested in scientific news, methods, and ideas. Quite a generalization you're making it seems.

Awesome!

It is one thing to lie to someone and say that you are of another faith but why couldn't you open the dialogue about God to a religious person. Socratic method is the best way to question oneself the and the world around you. You wouldn't have made that generalization had you talked with more religious people I don't think.

I think that my previous experience associated with religious christian people has been influenced by their ignorance and disgust for my interests, whatever their interest in my beliefs have been, they have been met with resistance when I've followed them up with further queries and questions, answers to questions that they've asked that I've made have made them only angrier. My friendship with them has been shallow.

I think you are picky. But I see it moreso in the sense of your lack of desire to know people, to question them, to be curious. Human physiology is so unique to every individual, which is why I wasn't awake in 1979 but in 1986.

I've seen religious people discredit a perfectly valid belief of Carl Sagan's purely because he doesnt believe in god.
I've seen complete strangers (religious or not) discredit my scientific ideas because they think that I'm a loser because of the way I've dressed in the past.
I've seen teachers teach complete and utter rubbish to a complete crowd of people because in Australia at least you cannot ever question authority, and make a suggestion.

Oh I want to know people like I want to get a bad disease. There is nothing wrong with a healthy sense of isolationism.

And despite how stupid people act around me, despite all of the stupid things that they say, I still get out and meet people.

But every single time I open my mouth and share my viewpoints, they instantly and immediatley stereotype me, and then I'm finished talking to them, if I ever talk to them again its met with resistance and ignorance "You're an idiot", etc.

You say others aren't being realistic about the future, but you will first have to prove to others that we are indeed immortal, considering our cells can only divide 52 times.

You gotta start somewhere. and no I do not need to prove anything to anyone, other people or you are not my judge, jury or executioner, I am an independent human being and this is a viewpoint of mine.

Would you discredit the idea that every single member on this forum should go through basic Nurse training for the time when a fellow immortalist is identified in public when there is nobody else around, potentially saving their lives in knowing exactly what to do? Why hasnt that come up yet?

Thats what I mean by being realistic, I personally believe that this earth is going to be going through some significant changes in the future yet I see that nobody here is a prepper, by being prepared you are hedging that the future is going to be dim, thats what I mean by being realistic. and no I'm not one of the crazy ones.

Alcor may still be around, other cryogenic companies may be aswell, even if we have a post-apocalyptic scenario. These are my viewpoints about the future, they arent necesserially yours or anyone elses. and they dont have to be. But people do need to realise what someone is getting into when they fall in love with me.

I know I'm going to die someday, with so many risks in this world it is an inevitability, but if I die then I will want to be resurrected, my partner is going to have to have the courage to do that, have the knowledge of what to do, and have the ability to do it, seconds count. Not sit there and weep.

Oh, and to answer your second question, yes I do think Australia is as outdated and obsolete as you think it is. Not to mention suffering from the effects of isolation.

Nods. Especially about isolation.

Edited by Layberinthius, 15 November 2013 - 09:35 AM.

[JBForrester]

That's great you have a desire to know people. I guess I was making the assumption based on your generalization that christians aren't interested in the sciences.

I was giving you a nudge, nudge, wink wink when I mentioned you having to prove about immortality, as in I was genuinely interested as to why you think that, considering I didn't know of any evidence. I actually didn't realize you were referring to cryogenics. I'll ask next time though. I don't think you have to prove anything, and I wasn't judging.

[Layberinthius]

That's great you have a desire to know people. I guess I was making the assumption based on your generalization that christians aren't interested in the sciences.

Nods.

I was giving you a nudge, nudge, wink wink when I mentioned you having to prove about immortality, as in I was genuinely interested as to why you think that, considering I didn't know of any evidence. I actually didn't realize you were referring to cryogenics. I'll ask next time though. I don't think you have to prove anything, and I wasn't judging.

Nods. Relax. No need to explain yourself. I know that things come off as something else when people type online. So I took the not-outraged route. :P