My mental health problem in one sentence: There's one thought (or two words) on my mind which keep bouncing back and it's bugging me for years now.
I've seen a few therapists over the years. Most of them said I have OCD and the ones who didn't mention this said that I am obsessed with getting rid of that one thought.
I can focus on something for a whole day, but my thought processes will be intruded, at the moment quite often.
Warning: long story!
As you can read in my intro topic I have thanatofobia (fear of death or dying). This was expressed in panic attacks before bedtime. I have a hard time accepting the fact that some day I will die and disappear into well...nowhere...in my opinion anyway. Just the thought of not existing frightens me. I know...I wasn't 'there' before I was born. I tried believing other outcomes like reincarnation or other after-life. I've read about near death experiences ( ‘Consciousness beyond Life. The Science of the Near-Death Experience‘ by Pim van Lommel for example), articles from Ian Stevenson, new age books, etc.
I kept having the panic attacks, so eventually I gave up. It is something I struggle with from time to time. It's hard for me...knowing that some day it will happen. I'm trying to deal with it and not get too gloomy about it.
When my time comes I just hope I'm OK with 'me' not being there. I'm just trying to think a little more lightly about it.
OK, when did the OCD'ish thinking started? I was 20 (I'm 32 now). I was really tired from working round the clock for months and really stressed. My vacation was just canceled.
Out of nowhere I started thinking about death. As always, the panic faded away after 10 minutes ( I tell myself: "dying is so far away, you have years ahead of you and maybe there is an afterlife so don't worry now" which calms me down and then I go looking for some distraction). But that day the thought (just the word 'death') wouldn't go away, like it was stuck. I wasn't having new panic attacks but I was worried why it kept popping up in my head and this made me anxious. I had no idea what was going on and of course I tried to push it away....I found it really bizarre and was afraid to tell any one about it.
In the following months I saw a hypnotherapist, because I thought it might be a subconscious problem. After 10 sessions I gave up. I was too focused on getting rid of it anyway.
I mean, when the thought isn't there so much it means that I'm improving and then it won't bug me so much. But when it keeps coming back like a boomerang (like every 10 seconds) it begins to irritate me.
Did it get better? There were periods ( a week, sometimes a few) when the thought wasn't there as much. I had important stuff to do at work and I went on a wonderful vacation with lots of sunshine and physical exercise (hiking). Each day it got better and on my last day I wasn't having the thought anymore.
Of course it came back. I saw an acupuncturist who started me on Chinese herbs and advised me on diet. I don't think she had much experience with OCD, but I believe the treatment was calming me. I wasn't as depressed as in the first few months. I watched if there were any patterns, when it got worse or when it was actually bugging me the most. I researched alternative remedies but it was always focused on the symptom.
What I describe above is 'Pre-SSRI'
After 4 years of going up and down while my life wasn't actually really bad or stressful I went to see a recommended CBT-psychiatrist. He advised an SSRI, so I researched this and asked my general doctor for Luvox (didn't know anything about the sigma1 receptors at that time, I just chose it because it wasn't known for side effects like weight gain and drop of libido).
I saw this therapist every week but I didn't feel like it lessened the frequency of the intrusion.
After 4,5 weeks the Luvox started working. The thought reduced considerably
The mornings got better. 'Death' wasn't the first thing on my mind. I had mild side effects: restless legs, very vivid dreams and on higher doses (300 mg) I would gnash my teeth.
I was wondering why I waited so long with this drug: I stabilized and felt better and better.
After a year or something on Luvox I tapered it over a few months from 300 tot 50 mg and then just stopped. I felt good and the obsessive thought stayed away. My psychotherapist had send me on my way with a book about Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. ACT should fit me, because I just needed to learn to let the intrusion pass by without giving it any thought. I gave it a good try but Luvox helped me a lot.
I lead a peaceful life: I worked normal hours, had friends and family nearby, a good relationship, a new home...nothing to worry about.
2010: why did I relapse? No idea. One morning a few months after I was fully withdrawn it popped into my mind again. This worried me and a few days later I was still having the thought in my head every minute.
I started Luvox again. After 9 weeks on a high dose nothing changed.
My general doctor switched me to Lexapro. 10 mg, I was feeling the effect after a few weeks. Great! A few months later I had a personal setback and the Lexapro was increased to 20 mg.
From 2012 to april 2016 I slowly tapered the Lexapro from 20 mg to 5 mg. Then I took a 5 mg pill every other day. I've read on a (Dutch) forum that this was a good way to withdraw from it, which seemed like an excellent idea just a few months ago: I wasn't having the intrusive thought for a few years already, so it looked like I was healed and I wasn't needing this drug anymore.
The plan backfired....the thought 'death' popped up in my head one evening when I was still on Lexapro. When I noticed that it would not drift away like all the other (negative or positive) thoughts in my head I became worried again. Consulted a general doctor who advised me to increase my dose of Lexapro.
I was on 15 mg for 4 or 5 weeks, but the thought kept popping up. My new family doctor advised me to see a therapist and taper from the Lexapro. I was initially interested in switching to Zoloft, but IF it would work it could also mean that it would poop-out again. I realized I had more work to do, so I signed up for a mindfulness meditation training and started working with the psychologist.
What does she say during therapy: "Stop worrying about it", "thoughts come and go", "the more attention you give it, the more it will stay on your mind", "you can have the thought; what matters is how you react to it", "if you stop react to it in a negative way, it will disappear eventually", "thoughts will bounce back like a boomerang it you want to get rid of them" and "you can't get rid of the thought, it will only make it worse".
RIGHT! It's not like I didn't know this already and I AM trying. Tapering the Lexapro isn't helping either, but staying on it doesn't make sense to me either. I had strong neuro-emotions (like suicidal thoughts) from tapering and felt really depressed. It got better fortunately. I'm on 2,5mg for about two weeks now.
The fact is...I'm feeling OK and happy when the thought isn't intruding. It just bugs me when I'm having a conversation with some one, meditate (then it's especially annoying) when I'm reading a book or working behind my computer. Other thoughts, even negative ones, will come and go. I notice them and they just drift away without me doing anything special.
You might wonder: "don't you have any compulsions?"
Uhm....no, not that I know of. I am a very big fan of googling though. Researching my problem and all the possible solutions has become obsessive the last few months. It isn't normal for the human brain to get stuck on a word or concept, right? It calms me down a bit.
The bottom line (I'll applaud for anyone who has read the whole story): what can I do and/or take/eat more for support and treating this? I would be quite satisfied if the thought would pop up a few times a day and me not reacting all too worried.
What I don't feel generally during the day: panic, anxiousness
The thought is quite 'empty' actually. It's not like I'm seeing images of coffins, grieving people or graveyards. What I do feel every time: annoyance when it pops up. Like: "Grrr, you again?" or sadness/disappointment.
I don't feel depressed in general and I've never been a dark moody one. I feel like I am a highly sensitive person though, which throws me off balance once in a while.
About food and supplements I take: omega-3 fish oil (2 capsules a day with food, per capsule 1000 mg: 360 mg EPA and 240 mg DHA), I take these for 6 weeks now. Last week I started with a B-complex and Vit D3.
I also took magnesium biglycinate with taurine for a month and a cup of wheat grass in the morning (waiting for a new supply at the moment). I have no idea if the vitamins and oils are effective on my intrusion, but my mood is quite stable.
I eat just about everything: oatmeal in the morning with almond milk, one cup of coffee, for lunch whole grain products mostly or yogurt with berries and a cup of green tea, I love dark chocolate and I like sugary stuff, but I'm cutting down the sugar as much as possible. I love cooking so I eat all kinds of pasta dishes (some times vegetarian) risotto's with vegetables and chicken, Asian meals with rice or noodles and in the weekend I have breakfast with whole grain bread (butter and cheese or meat on top), eggs and just one cup of coffee. I stopped drinking fruit juices (even the freshly made). I snack on walnuts or an apple.
Trying to eat more protein, eat more veggies and drink more water as well. I'm not a big fan of fruit, but I try to incorporate fresh fruit in my desserts a few times a week. I've read about strategically eat proteins and carbohydrates for tryptophan. Not sure if I'm doing it right though. Only fish is problem here: it's very expensive!
About gluten: I've been eating gluten all my life. I don't have IBS nor do I feel bloated after eating grains.
I don't have any allergies or food allergies and I don't have hay fever either.
Exercise: I run 2 or 3 times a week, for about 30-40 minutes (in the woods nearby) and do hatha yoga a few times a week.
Alcohol, binge eating, coffee, and drugs: I've never done drugs and I don't smoke. I drink a glass of whine every other saturday or make some irish coffee. I don't feel like I need alcohol to relax or have fun.
I have one cup of coffee in the morning and one in the evening. I could do without.
I've never been a binge eater and have a normal weight.
Other: No crimes committed, not a risk taker and not into adrenaline sports
Short medical history:
1,5 years old - Double pneumothorax, high fever and ear infection (could also be a throat infection, my parents can't remember this anymore)
Was released from the hospital after fever came down, but the story goes that I was traumatized from the rough treatment from doctors and nurses (I wasn't abused sexually but there were really unfriendly, harsh and not calming me down). No one (except my parents) was able to touch me or hold me and our family doctor needed to take off his white coat before he could approach me. I can't remember anything from this period, but I kept wetting my bed (till I was 7 years old) because I was such a heavy sleeper and vivid dreamer.
5 years old - adenoids were removed
12 years old - I developed chronic sinus infections. I breathed through my mouth because my nose was blocked all the time. Was treated for this two times (rinse of the maxillary sinus) and from that time on it got better.
19 years old - Broke my ankle and was operated on under general anesthesia. 10 months later the screws and plate were removed under general anesthesia as well.
Every winter season I have the flu (one week), a cold and sore throats a few times
I will also have to note that I saw a psychologist after my parents divorced when I was 7 years old.
When I was 13 years old there where new law suits about custody, this wasn't a happy time in my life since my parents were constantly fighting over me. I couldn't break free from this situation and was mentally abused by my father.
In my teens there were no traces of OCD or other obsessive thoughts. I was a shy girl who got her first period when she was 14 and late with developing breasts. No boyfriends and became sexual active when I was 18. I started birth control (Microgynon-30) and two years later the Nuvaring. When I was 26 I was on the Diane-35 pill for a while because of acne on my back and shoulders. That helped a lot. I'm not on hormones for 5 years now.
I have been tested for STD's a few times because I was spotting between my periods. This turned out to be light erosion from the cervix and quite innocent.
Last note: I've been reading A LOT about neurotransmitters and the brain lately. Did the Bravermenn Test (outcome didn't really make sense to me) online, read about nootropics like NAC and inositol, serotonin depletion, withdrawal symptoms, what causes OCD (not sure I have pure O, but it's the closest I got), about the regular medication, tachycardia / poop-out, neuroplasticity and looked at work from autors like Jeffrey Schwartz and Norman Doidge, Yesterday I came across hormonal imbalances. Since my periods are super irregular (I suspect caused by Lexapro) and I do feel better mid-cycle, this got my interest as well. Oh and I even researched Kundalini Yoga!
You get it: I do want to get rid of it. Since this seems nearly impossible I wonder if I should just give up and make the best of it. "Not worry about it" or "don't react to the thought" is something I have tried for ages, but I just can't change how I'm feeling about it....
Thank you so much for reading. I could use ANY advice or feedback.
Edited by Catwoman, 08 August 2016 - 01:37 PM.
